SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

thanks for the responses, in about 3 hours Eastern Standard Time I'll be celebrating the worse fucking birthday ever!!!

didn't know profanity is allowed on this site, I use it sparingly to accent the severity.

Also, another specific question is does anyone know how I can obtain a proof of NC with OM from my wife

In my case I saw the email that he sent AND then her response (it was obvious that she 'got it') can you ask her for this proof of her No Contact?

Everything you want to know is probably on the pc. Check her email or Internet history.

If you can get her out of the house - SNOOP.

Women, especially ones in 'love', tend to journal or keep momentos.

Friend, look up Joseph's Letter in the Healing Library, just rewrite it with your wife's name, this will explain very clearly your need for the truth. It is very likely that she doesn't want to end things with other man, she is in love with him and not sure about her feelings for you. She just got caught, her love for him doesn't just stop. OM is pure fantasy, no bill worries, no children problems, his shit doesn't stink in fact when he breaks wind it sounds like a chorus of Angels blowing out a Christmas Candle. She needs her head pulled out of her ass. Please talk to a lawyer, please get tested, and do the pregnancy thing too.

In time, I've been told this...you will look back on this as one of the best birthdays ever. You were awakened then.

We are with you man!

Regarding proof of NC to OM. What can I do now? she claims she ended it last night and I accepted it with caution, I needed to accept it for the sake of temporary sanity as I will be spending a lot of time with my daughter and I can use every bit of "medicine" I can to put in my system be a functioning parents for this coming 4 days.

ps...so! I didn't get yer name right! o well! HAPPY BIRTH DAY!

(and aa just made the quote thread here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=246918)

Put on your game face and consider everything outta her mouf is a lie.

I like "pretend to accept it" mode.

Oh! Ok hunney! Then move to get your ducks in a row.

She blindsided you. You're just protecting yourself now.

[This message edited by jjct at 8:35 PM, November 24th (Wednesday)]

I sort of need to put this off for a few days for now to concentrate on keeping sanity for the welfare of my child while she's off from school. All drama will continue next week, and I will continue preparing myself here.

this site is awesome! thank you all so much and once again enjoy your Thanksgiving Day however and whichever way you can.

rightbefore, your story just broke my heart tonight.

I am 5 months from dday. I can tell you, you are in the very initial stages of SHOCK.

Within a few weeks you will be beginning your journey on a roller coaster from hell.

Some emotions you can expect, overwhelming LOVE for your wife, maybe even hysterical bonding (ummm...humping like bunnies) this is common and normal to experience this. It in a sorts is reconnecting and maybe even a little of claiming your territory. My H and I are still in this phase. It confused me at first but then I realized it was common from posting here about it.

Another emotion - RAGE, rage and hate and resentment that you never thought possible for the person you love more than anything.

Another emotion - absolutely nothing, you might even tell yourself you forgive her. An hour later you could be back to the rage again.

The worst emotion for me, was the depression, a state of sadness I had never known before. It is foreign to me. Sadness that someone I loved and trusted could hurt me this badly, and our precious girls.

Speaking of kids...at 5 months out I can honestly say H and I did a great job of never mentioning a word about any of this in front of them. Sometimes if I have to say something I will text him sitting right next to me....because well...sometimes a thought or a question just pops into my head at that exact moment and I need an answer at that exact moment.

The messages - yeah, I had the horrible experience of reading emails between my H and the other woman. I wish I hadn't. Every single day those words ring through my brain.

My only advice this early in the game, post here. Often. Every question you may think is silly, every emotion you dont think is normal, I can promise majority of us have thought it, felt it, questioned it etc.

As far as knowing if your wife is truly NC, well obviously, dont take her word for it. It is very difficult for waywards to give up their affair partner in the beginning. It is like a high to them, an addiction. My husband broke no contact at least 5 times within the first 2 months and they never even met in person!

Well, now that I've wrote you a book - I do want to wish you the happiest birthday that could be possible in this circumstance....if nothing more maybe even just a solid 3 or 4 hours of sleep. (dday #2 when he broke no contact the first time was 2 days before my birthday sucked big time)

Ps about the swearing....you'll fit right in here

Happy Bday. Just remember your friends at SI are thinking of you. DId your wife say how she created NC? Was it an email? Can she show it to you? I have three kids in the house and H and I had to be careful discussing this to keep them from hearing. My DD was a day we were planning a day trip with our 11 year old. I had to put on a happy face all day. Afterwards we discussed it and my H agreed right away to NC. He didn't contact OW and it took a few days till he wrote the letter. He showed it to me and had me sign it. Even though he came clean there was about 5 days of trickle truth. For me it was important to know everything but everyone feels differently. With NC and transparency we have achieved a very good R. Goodluck to you. I know the pain.

Me BS

Him FWWH

married 23 years

3 kids

Dear Kamkim, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me, you described perfectly how I feel, and thank you for the birthday wishes. I'm filled with tears reading what you went through and what you're still continuing fighting for. At the same time comforted by everyone here. My head is all over the place right now because it's really Day 1 after D-day for me and all those emotion you described went through my head multiple of times and, and I'm very scared of what's to come.

This completely caught me by surprise, right before my birthday, right before Thanksgiving dinner, right before my daughter's 4 days off from school. I spent two hours yesterday confronting my wife as described in details in my first post.

Not sure if it's the the healthy thing to do, but I've found a way to trick my brain to accept my wife's remorseful apology, allowing waiting time for her to give me all the details of the affair at the time when she's ready, and takes her word for it when she told me she broke off from the OM "on her own" privately.

Again, this is a way for me to trick my brain so I can keep my sanity and dealing with family at this time. Mainly for keeping a poker face for my daughter, she's got surprise plans for papa's birthday, and papa needs to be papa, not the raging maniac who's about to completely lose it.

The supports from members on this thread definitely help me suppress my emotions and educate me.

There isn't much more you can do at this point. There isn't really a true timeline, it all depends on your circumstance, and of course your wife. It's not like you will go through one phase, and be able to check that off and say okay...next one...check mark...alright almost there. I wish it was like that. The truth is, you can look up the stages of grief and this is VERY similar to that, what they dont tell you is that all those emotions come and go....for months, maybe years (I know I dread hearing that too since I too am early in this game).

You will have alot of questions for your wife...when you are ready.

Right at this moment, maybe she isn't in NC, maybe she is...there isn't anything you can do or say to change that right now and you dont want to make any hasty decisions right away even if she is.

They say do not make any major decisions for at least 1 year after dday (dont threaten divorce during a heated argument). Just breath. One moment at time for now.

I too was completely blindsided, there was no suspicions, no signs...maybe a few little ones looking back but no huge red flag for me to look at ...so I know exactly how you feel. My dday started with me just sitting down to pay the phone bill at my desk at work, in the middle of the day, my entire world fell apart. I had 5 more hours of work, and then came home to 2 kids who of course had no idea.

I know where you are now, and looking back from this view point I can say my entire life was completely blurry for weeks. It was surreal.

rightbeforebday,

cherish that little girl, and her surprise. Take strength from the fact that she loves you. I wish you peaceful moments.

rightbeforebday,

I feel your pain, man. It sucks worse than anything. Take care of yourself.

Everything your wife tells you is likely to be a lie at this point. You need to get ready to walk. 180 her hard. Stop caring. DETACH -- Don't Even Try And Change Her. Kick her out of your little apartment and see how she likes the mean streets of NYC. See if OM will take her in. That would be the best thing that ever happened to you because she'll see that he's not the wonderful prince he portrays himself to be.

Whatever you do, take care of yourself and your child. She's nothing but a cheating loser. You don't need her.

Good luck.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through - please take it from an old-timer and I had a 5 year old son - if they say they have to do it from the "heart" they're not going to do it.

See a lawyer - now - don't do what I did and believe that they ended the affair - you can read my story on my profile. Just because it happened a long time ago, doesn't mean it still doesn't sting.

rightbeforebday, like everyone I am very sorry you had to find us but so thankful you did. This place can be a lifesaver, literally for some of us. I am still kind of fresh here myself so unfortunately I have no idea what the future holds. I do know this.....

Please take care of yourself! Right now you are in shock, almost disbelief, sadly what comes next is severe pain and grief and it can be unbearable at times. I couldn't eat, became dehydrated and now almost two months later am getting on anti depressants because I can't seem to leave this dark place I am stuck in and admit that I am not doing so well these days. So please take care of yourself and when it becomes too much reach out and get some help! Feel free to drop me a line here anytime.

IMHO---you need to demand your wife send a NC---e-mail, in front of you, make sure you read the contents, and that you watch it go----there is no other method of NC needed----Your wife told you she broke it off, but that doesn't mean it happened

Unfortunately, this is a person whom she has given her heart/love to, and I just don't think, that gets cut off cold turkey, like she is claiming---at this point she may be still in contact deep underground in ways you don't know

You need to get the NC letter sent, and attempt to make contact with his spouse if possible, as that cuts him out on the other end.

As to getting all the info, once again, you don't really know anymore than what she has told you, and what you are listening to at this point are the words, of a master manipulator, and conniving cheater, who has looked you in the face for who knows how long, each evening, and said everything was fine.

Many betrayed's need to get all the details, before they can start to heal---as they want nothing left to the imagination----unfortunately there may be a whole lot of TT, coming at you. This all just goes with the territory-----This is all very hard on you, you just have to stand tall, take care of yourself, and daughter, and know, that it will get better with time

You are getting the advice of experts, heed it.