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Maybe this is just me, but I would have been deeply appreciative if my W had written an explanation of her pain as you just did above and then printed it and handed it to me to read. No words even necessary -- just let me read it and then look at W and see her crying for all that has been lost.

THAT would have told me all I ever needed to know about her pain. Give that some thought. It may be what you need to do.

1985-

I took your suggestion. Would y'all mind reading over this and letting me know what you think? I know as long as it comes from the heart, that is what matters, but I wouldn't want to say anything in a way that might come across in a negative/triggering/selfish way to my BH. Here it is:

The awfulness and sickness of my actions have hit me like a ton of bricks today. Please don't misunderstand - the disgust I feel for myself is present every day. But something has hit a nerve that reaches the absolute depths of my soul. I don't know if something was said in counseling yesterday that I just can't pinpoint or what. But right now, I am at the lowest point I have ever been in my life. I didn't think I could feel any lower than I have the past 5 months but it somehow happened. I feel like pond scum and I want to curl us in a ball in my closet and cry until my eyes can no longer produce anymore tears but I can't and I won't. I feel like I don't deserve to have these feelings. I need to be strong. I am going to be strong for you and our girls. Because I DID THIS - not you. YOu were a faithful husband who kept your vows and is stepping up and giving everything you have for your family at a time where many men would have run. I don't hold the right to put anymore pain on you than you are already feeling. You have enough to deal with right now without having to comfort me. I don't deserve comfort. But i want you to know there is not an hour in the day that doesn't pass where I don't grieve the loss of innocence in our marriage. That I don't feel like a rock is sitting in the pit of my stomach when thinking about the pain I have caused you and our family. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think "I don't deserve my husband after what I did." You didn't deserve any of this. YOU deserve to be comforted. YOU deserve to be loved like you never imagined you could be. YOU deserve to have a wife that worships the ground you walk on. YOU deserve to have a wife that would move heaven and earth to bring back happiness to your life. I promise you - I will spend the rest of my life working to give you all the wonderful things you deserve. Thank you for giving me another chance. Thank you for loving me even when it's hard to look at me. Thank you for fighting for our family. I love you. I am in love with you and I will spend the rest of my life proving to you my love and my devotion - to YOU and only YOU.

Also, keep in mind that I don't want to say anything that might make him decide he deserves better. I KNOW he does but I want to do everything I can to keep this family together. I don't want to dig my own grave...

I think your letter is perfect.

But this:

Also, keep in mind that I don't want to say anything that might make him decide he deserves better. I KNOW he does but I want to do everything I can to keep this family together. I don't want to dig my own grave...

I don't think that's likely. One of the ways I knew WH was serious was when he started saying things he perceived as being risky...

Not much risk. He knows what he wants or he wouldn't still be there.

Your note is very touching. It would have moved me greatly. You mignt add, after the sentences of what he deserves, that you are going to be the W that he deserves no matter what that takes. Good luck

On a side note.

I believe you DO need to cry, you DO need to grieve and you DO need to feel the enormity of it.

If you don't you are not processing it into yourself and allowing yourself to learn the lessons on an almost cellular basis. If you allow yourself to fully appreciate the pain, it will be unlikely that you will ever repeat it.

When does the anger subside? When he stops hurting enough to cage it back up.

Imagine, if you will, a meeting hall. In that hall are all the voices and drives a person has. That's the way I describe my mental processes.

When I found out about the affair, Anger ripped open his cage and began stomping around the hall turning over the furniture and kicking holes in the walls. Pain was right there to egg him on, giving him a poke in the ribs every time he started to slow down. My Anger is big, and far too canny for my own good. Anger has a way of dragging up memories I normally can't find and can quickly drag Logic over to his side and make it work for him. The result is my Anger can be very cruel, using words as lethal weapons.

It took a lot to get that rough beast back in his cage. Love took a real beating on DDay, he almost died, but Love is a tough guy to kill and he just wouldn't quit, even though lots of voices in the hall were telling him to just stay down.

This is kind of what you are seeing from your BH. His Anger is directed at you because his Love seeks to defend you and his Pain just can't stand to see that happen. More than likely his Pain is also whipping up his Pride and together the two of them goad his Anger.

Anger is one of the few emotions men feel comfortable expressing. We are taught from the very beginning that showing emotional pain or sorrow is weakness. We are conditioned from the time we are small boys to understand that, someday, we will have to fight for everything we have or want, just as little girls are taught that someday they will give birth to their own children.

Anger, though, is a strong emotion. It is an ally and friend for every fight we got into, every time we were challenged, be it on the playground or the boardroom. Most of the time we can yoke that Anger and make it work for us. We call it "Drive" then, but it is anger, all to often, that is the real motivator in our lives.

So far you are doing the right thing in dealing with his anger. Remember that Anger wants a fight. It wants you to stand up so it can take pleasure in knocking you down. The best defense against Anger is to be completely submissive to it. Bend to it like a willow to the wind.

As others have said, his anger is more about what you did than anything else. Some of it is at himself because he let you get close enough to hurt him, something we only let ONE person do. His Love for you has taken a beating but it's still there. If it wasn't you wouldn't keep seeing his anger.

About your letter to him. It has the right flavor but you're right, you don't want to go too heavy on the "He can do better" seasoning. Self deprecation carried to far looks like sarcasm. It's one thing to describe your actions during the affair and your feelings about it now in negative terms, but not yourself. It's the difference between saying "I fucked up and I feel awful about it" and saying "I'm just a fuck-up you would be better off without". The former is honest and sincere, the latter feels like you want to be the victim and he was a fool to choose you in the first place. He already feels the fool, agreeing with him on that point is not to your benefit.

I know this is long and rambling a bit but I thought you might benefit from a BH point of view.

I wish you luck and be assured that though the anger does wax and wane throughout this process, eventually it becomes little more than Anger rattling his cage somewhere in the back of the hall

AWW, I've been here – less recently but the memory of that anger is vivid. I did and said things to my FWW I wouldn't have dreamed I would even to an enemy. I called her horrible names, threw things across the room, punched doors and walls, all that. It's the pain talking as so many people on here have said. I agree with cdumommy - say the risky things. It clears our heads not clouds them and shows your true remorse. If you would put yourself at risk to show you understand the enormity of what you have done speaks volumes about how he can possibly trust you again. Most of us BS (and yours sounds like he really wants R) already know what we really want within a short period after DDAY. We just need to know that you are worth the risk again. You need to prove that you are. If you do all you can, and he hasn’t already decided that it was a deal breaker, you’ll make it. Love is stronger then pain. That being said, you can’t imagine the pain he is feeling from this - especially if it was a friend he didn't trust, because he trusted you - I know this from experience. The anger is intense and unlike any other type of anger but it will subside eventually. There isn't really a timeline for that but I can tell you a few things my FWW did right to make it better, helped me work through a lot of it:

When I got angry she validated me. She never defended what she did (not saying you are just saying own it even more then you are). She told me that she didn't want D and wouldn't give up even after it was finalized - that she would never marry anyone else and wait for me to forgive her - but if I did D she would deserve it. She ALWAYS put my feelings first. But most, above all else, when I was angry and seething and yelling and swearing at her, she looked me in the eye and told me she loved me and was so so sorry. And then she held me while I cried. Don't be silent when he rages. Tell him the truth; you are remorseful (and I believe you are), you love him more then anything in this world and will make it your life's mission to be the wife he deserves NOW. And then do it.

So, I had lunch on Friday with my BH. We rode around and talked for a very long time. I was having an extremely hard day that day. The enormity of all that happened came crashing down on me. I feel horrible every hour of every day but some days things real hit hard about the awfulness of the A. I cried and cried the whole lunch time telling him how sorry I was. Telling him how the thought of specific things I did and said during the A make me sick and how I can't believe that person was me. How I can't stand to the about the OM without my skin crawling. How I hate what I have done to him. How I hate that I put this on him and our family. I think I finally allowed myself to really let it all out for the first time since the first month or so after D-Day. I think I needed that and I think he needed to see it. He told me it made him feel like he was not alone. He said that he felt like sometimes there was no one else who could relate. But when he sees how much it hurts me too, as much as he hates to see me hurt, he feels like he is not alone in his pain. Friday, I think and hope, was a possible turning point for our R. After lunch, I emailed him my letter. He emailed me back and told me how much he loved me and he will be there for me thru good times and bad. He told me that I am the love of his life.

Thank you all for the support and comments. I know the road ahead is still long and there will be obstacles along the way. But I KNOW we can make it through this.

Even though it goes against what so many will say and think, the only way out is through the pain..... Together.

I'm so glad to hear that you both felt closer and more of a team afterwards. Nothing binds two people closer than a shared journey through hell.

Great news. You know, he IS being honest when he tells you he loves you and wants you. I am glad the letter helped. Now just keep up the good work no matter how painful and difficult. Life will return to a more normal place -- it just takes that old magic word -- TIME.

AWW -

But when he sees how much it hurts me too, as much as he hates to see me hurt, he feels like he is not alone in his pain.

This is exactly how I felt. And ungracie you are 100% right. If you don't go through the pain together you won't come out of it together - not really, even if you are still married the M won't ever be the same again. If you do it together the M can be better and the trust and love stronger between u 2 then before the A. This is where me and Erica8 are now - still sad days but after her showing me how truly remorseful she is through opening up and showing me her own pain in this, I now know that she is still the woman I love. I know she understands what she has done and will now be the wife I need and deserve from now on. Your BH’s reaction shows he really loves you and is committed to R. He doesn’t WANT you to suffer but he needs to know that you are suffering the way he is right now, or he would feel that you don’t really get what this has done to him. He needs you to understand. Good luck, I’m sure you guys will make it.

AWW

I'm going to be in the minority here and probably get blasted, but here it goes. Yes I believe BS have every right to be angry and vent. But except for the initial day of exposing the A, or if you TT your BS, there is no place for verbal abuse, and no physical abuse anytime.

It is verbal abuse, someone gets in your face, or calls you every name in the book, sorry it is. Two wrongs don't make a right. My BS needs to vent, she can holler, scream, yell, cuse until she's blue in the face. But don't get in my face, put a finger in my face, or call me names, I'm not your dog, you don't own me.

Someone told you to sit there and take it like a big girl. Excuse me, but not the in your face, name calling, or belittling. In that situation I would just get up and walk away, or the other spouse can go cool off at the bar or wherever, until we, they can treat you half way civil.

Yes we WS fucked up our spouses, families, and our lives, and others. But that don't give any spouse the right to treat someone like a piece of shit. We are all human and make mistakes in our lives, no one is perfect. Everyone says us WS are broken. If your car, or an appliance in your home is broken you don't keep trying to break it more to fix it, You take it to a mechanic, or service man. Same thing with a WS you get them help, (ie; IC, or MC). If you want to R, then R, if not, you or your spouse get the hell out, and go your separate ways. When we got married, it didnt mean I was her boss or her mine, I don't own her, or her me. If you want to try and fix it, then try, if not move the hell on.

My W has been great through this ordeal, there is no one in this world that could hold a candle to her, she is 1000% better person than me. Don't get me wrong, I took my cursing, yelling, screaming on D-Days and times when I TT her, and deserved everyone. But other than on those days she treated me like a human being. If BS can't do that for there WS, or during any other situation, then move on then.

We are 10 mths out, and are doing good. I'm also as transparent as you can be. There's not a password she don't have, she can go thru my phone anytime she wants. I have a smart phone, it can send my location where I'm at, if she wants to know I send it. Does it get tough sometimes for me having to do all this and be so transparent, damn skippy. But I made my bed, now I have to lie in it, or move on. Maybe one of these days I can get some of her trust back.

BS say I don't know how it feels until I walk in there shoes. No I don't and God knows I don't want to. But that don't give any BS the right to treat a WS like dirt.

I told my BS that if she had an A on me, it was over with. No if ands or buts about it. I say that now, but won't know unless it happens.

No one deserves any form of abuse.

I just sit there and say nothing.

Yup

I sat there and took it, because really, I didn't think I had a choice. And I highly doubt your H is enjoying any part of feeling so out of control and hurt.

Yup, again

It will subside as you move further into R. You are going through exactly what my FWW has and is still going through and you’re doing perfect.

I would have given anything--anything to get a letter like the one you've written.