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I can say that I am not staying for the kids now, but I wouldn't be with my WH now if it wasn't for the kids.

On d-day, when my world and my marriage as I knew them changed, I had to make some tough choices:

What now? Do I stay, do I go?

Do I allow myself to feel what I feel at the moment and let the kids see? How do I answer their questions? Honestly? How honestly? Will I have the strenght to put up a brave face for them, for the people aroung me?

(I am sure all of the BS have been there). If I take the kids and go now, how will that affect their life? etc.

So I decided, until I am sure what I want to do I will stay for them, because my WH has been a good husband prior to this idiocity, good and loving partner and husband.

And I don't regret it. They are having good time, we don't fight, we don't argue, for them life went on as usual.

On the other hand I always tell my WH that if I could allow myselft to experiment I would separate with him and maybe one day we can be together again, if we really had that connection prior the A. But I don't want to put the kids through that, then reconcile and make them live in fear that one day this might happen again.

So, now I not only work on the R, but everyday I have to make sure I have a brave and smily face for them, and when I don't then it must be something in the office, I didn't sleep well etc. I am not ure if they believe it, but they don't object it either.

I think there is a difference between staying for the kids and working on ot for the kids. Hopefully with time the other reasons will come back too.

I will not judge anyone's decision to stay or go. Right after d-day I was told if not for JKL I'd be gone. 3 years out we're better. Dr. Phil said it best when he said kids would rather be from a split home than live in one.

Last month when things got really bad and I got accused of cheating again, the Alpha Female said we'd stay together for the boys.

I very calmly stated that I had no interest in "keeping up appearances"

Initially it doesn't matter why you stay in that first year because it gives both parties a chance to process what has happened before making any life changing decisions.

Sooner or later "in a perfect" world you find a real reason to stay together that involves both of you.

If you have to have the romantic crazy love from early in your relationship then odds are you are setting you and your spouse up for failure.

All relationships change and mature with time. Everybody loves a newborn and toddler but that rebellious defiant teenager is a lot harder to love. You don't discard your 14 year old teen because they are that cute 2 year old (it's okay to want to! )

And the job you loved and worked double overtime when you first started your career will not create the same emotions the last year before retirement.

I think what happens with married and committed couples post D-day is suddenly being a mature comfortable relationship isn't enough because of the trauma of infidelity.

So the biggest problem I see is people go from the reality of a very flawed and vunerable marriage to expectations that not only must that be fixed but you have to achieve perfect love.

Yes affairs are wake up calls that force each spouse to reassess the marriage...and even work on it.

But if the goal is to make the marriage perfect you are going to fail and it will "feel" like you went from happily ever after to miserably ever after.

Unfortunately, due to our legal system and/or selfish and embittered spouses, "staying for the kids" is the only way for many people to remain in their kids lives, and to stay out of the poor house.

X3

I also agree that staying for the kids is a good reason at first, but if this morphs into the screaming at each other in front of the kids then divorce would probably be better for everyone.

I also feel "inabadplace" is being a martyr by putting his personal happiness behind that of his children's and that is just another of the sacrifices you make as a parent sometimes. (isn't I'm not happy and me, me, me selfishness often the precursor to cheating on your spouse anyway?)

I would never look down on someone staying for the kids sake as long as it was with the children's best long term interest's in mind and the home environment was "healthy".

I stayed longer than I should have and a great deal longer than I would have because, in large part, of our daughter.

However, in those situations where the marriage is broken beyond repair, where there is no remorse, no respect, no kindness and no love "staying for the children" is a horrible idea.

If both people are truly motivated to work on rebuilding the marriage and their primary reason is to give their kids a healthy, whole and stronger family then it can be a good reason.

When one or both parties aren't willing or able to do the work and the kids are used as an excuse for staying in an untenable situation then it is a horrible reason for staying.

In my opinion cases where the only reason is "for the good of the kids" and it isn't backed up by willingness and ability to really do what it takes are far worse for the kids than divorce.

This is particularly true in cases where, "We're only staying together for the kids," is a sentence actually said in front of the kids.

Whether staying for the kids' sake is a good thing or a bad thing depends greatly on the context and intent surrounding the statement.

I am one who stays for the kids even though we are not in R. However, and this is a big however, ours is not a toxic or hostile relationship. Sure there were some tense times after my many D-days (true of everyone, I would imagine) but at this point, 6 years out, we get along as well as we ever did. There are no A conversations because there is no point to it and we do not fight. Other than A-related fights, we have NEVER fought. We have gone to SI GTGs together where people thought we were fully R'd until I told them differently.

We sleep in the same (humongous) bed but we do not have sex, but that's none of the kids' business anyway. To any outsider we look like any other happy couple. And we aren't miserable this way. It works for us. We do things as a family. We take vacations. We laugh. We have fun. I have pretty much let go of my A resentment and come to terms with the fact that there is no R and I don't shove it in his face every chance I get (anymore - lol).

I will be the first to admit that I like the lifestyle that my WHs 6-figure salary gives me. I was a SAHM until my youngest went to school and then I got a work-from-home job merely to fill my time and give me something to do. I bring in *maybe* $1000 a month. I'm not interested in living in a trailer somewhere (or an apartment that won't allow my St. Bernard). Is my life ideal? No. But it irks me to no end when these threads start and I get to read about all of the damage I am doing to my children by staying with WH.

Although I do think we are the exception and not the rule.

I feel no shame or guilt in saying that I am staying for my kids. We are a blended family and all three of our sons have been through one divorce. I will not put them through another unless their emotional well-being was in question or I felt that the marriage is irretrievably broken. I am staying because I need them to see that just because we have a problem doesn't mean we have to give up at the first sign of trouble.

HOWEVER - we do not have the tension that others have, we do not fight, we do not argue, we don't snipe at each other. We still touch, we still laugh, we still kiss...if that were to ever change, if he breaks NC, if I felt uncomfortable in my own home, or angry all the time, or cried all the time, I would not stay and subject my children to that world. I completely understand why some people leave immediately and I support that.

Two of my sons don't know anything as serious as the A has gone on. They know we go to therapy and we're working on making our marriage strong. My oldest knows, he hears things and while he doesn't ask questions, he knows some of the details. Kids hear it all...

But it irks me to no end when these threads start and I get to read about all of the damage I am doing to my children by staying with WH.

Keep in mind that people are posting based on their own experiences. I grew up in a home where divorce should have happened years before it did (I was grown when my parents split for the last time.) I didn't see two adults who stayed together for the kids and figured out a way to co-exist relatively peacefully and respectfully. Instead, I saw two people who were both broken and afraid to shake things up, who abused each other emotionally, and one of whom abused the other financially and physically. It was a terrible environment to grow up in and did nothing to model healthy adult interactions to any of us.

Unfortunately, I think after infidelity occurs the number of couples who are able to co-exist, without R, in a manner that is good for their kids, is probably small. I don't believe I could move forward that well living in the same house with fWH if we were not in R. However, I believe it can be done.

This is a point I've argued with others who have encouraged me to leave my H and my M. People on the outside who have witnessed the aftermath of my A and my FWH's A are quick to encourage me to leave and tell me that our kids will be "better off" if I am happy.

I tend to disagree. I think my kids will be better off if THEY are happy, and disrupting their stability and lives won't create that feeling for them

I sought "happiness" outside my M, and so did my H...and neither one of us found it. If working through a tumultuous relationship with their father is what it takes to make them happy, then I owe them the effort. After risking their happiness in pursuit of my own, it's the least I can do.

The more I think about it, I hope that if they take any lessons away from our example, it's that marriage is not to be taken lightly, and even though struggles are inevitable, it's one's JOB to make it work.

Just my 2 cents.

I get that cdnmommy and I think that's a horrible thing to put on your children. I think I'm bringing things that have been said in past threads into this one, which I obviously shouldn't be doing.

madseason,

I'm not trying to guilt or bash any couples that stay for the kids as long as the relationship is peaceful. My BH came from a family that should literally never married. He was conceived in a drunken coke and rum moment. They told him that! So they did the honorable thing and got married. Then they had 5 more kids.

Everything was BH's fault. The marriage, the poverty, the parents loathing of one another. I'm not kidding. I sat in a family meeting 2 years ago and listened to the crap they accused him of being responsible for. The kids, all 6 of them, have emotional baggage that would make your head spin.

Those are the kinds of relationships that should not stay together for "the sake of the kids."

I understand Aubrie. My WH's mother has let him know all through his life (as the youngest of 3) that he was not planned and was not really a welcome "surprise" either. His parents shouldn't be married, yet they still are to this day. She cannot stand his father (which she verbalizes quite regularly) and then will turn around and tell WH "you're just like your father" with such disgust and venom in her voice that it is unbelievable. And then she wonders why we make any excuse not to spend time with them. I mean WTF...

OMG, I grew up in a home like what you're describing. My Mom stayed with my Dad for 25 years for 'the kids' sake'....and as an adult, we ALL would have been healthier and in a better place had she just left already.

I am currently undergoing cognitive testing and a screening for early dementia/Alzheimers due to my lack of focus and scattered mind over the past year.....I am not going to be surprised if they tell me I had a nervous breakdown after the A...because I have not been right since.

The doctor gave me a 3 page questionnaire for my Mom to complete-her recollections of me and my behavior at age 10. She not only filled out the paperwork, but also typed a 2 page letter to him describing what she felt was 'psychological damage' done to me by my Father.

I was kind of blown away by it...she listed him as a NPD person who actually told her once that he 'didn't know if he had it in him to love anyone.' She was a BS who dealt with his infidelity our whole lives.

Hostile environment?

You betcha. And it's STILL messing with me at the ripe old age of 47.

[This message edited by GullibleGirl at 10:47 AM, March 12th (Monday)]

I've been peaceably co-parenting with my XW for over six-years, but I would never have been able to perform a masquerade for our children's sake when it involved fundamental issues such as their parent's (lack of)love, intimacy, and trust for each other.

I could never have aspired to, nor would I have wanted to, reach an accommodation, or a workable arrangement with my (then) wife--as we held ourselves out to the community and presented the appearance of a union, but all-the-while harboring a great divide behind the most intimate of closed doors.

I could never model that arrangement to my children and sell it to them as something real.

I prefer that my kids learn that parental love and responsibility runs deeper than any changes that occur with their parents living arrangements. I want my children to know in their bones, that a loving, trusting, intimate happy couple has a tangible parental presence in their lives.

These are my truths under my circumstances. There are no one-size fits all perfect answers.

[This message edited by Conundrum at 3:30 PM, March 12th (Monday)]