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Kissing triggered the brain chemical cocktail that helped me to think I had love feelings for AP

same for me..even the feelings of love...BLECH..

i liked to kiss my BH as i found it very romantic n arousing too. During the course of our marriage the frequency reduced.

I did kiss the OM n commented to him that he kissed well during my A. My BH knows about this n the comments too. Immediately after DD..the next few months we kissed. however, we stopped shortly after that as BH dislikes it completely knowing that i liked it with OM so much that i even commented on it. he just cant imagine kissing me ever again. and i fully understand his pain. i chose to give away the exclusivity. infact at the time of sex, he at times bruises my lips with his hand as if to physically erase the past encounters with OM n also to punish the offenders (the lips) physically.

I love to kiss BH and long for it...and i know that it will hurt him...so i dare not try it. when i see kissing scenes on the screen, i go thru a range of emotions...first long for a kiss with BH..which quickly turns to despair n then to frustration with myself for creating a situation where i ruined everything between us! and finally i end up hating myself yet again!

wondering if anyone felt similar..

WWNomore

thank you for this thread I have read it twice and have been crying and crying. about this:

Kissing triggered the brain chemical cocktail that helped me to think I had love feelings for AP

My H and I have slightly different preferences on the type of kissing we 'love' in the early years I feel like there was a balance in how we kissed.

For a few years in the middle he would kiss me with his preference. I would give him feedback that I didn't enjoy this but over time stopped talking as I felt he didn't hear, and I would avoid kissing OFTEN.

In the year or two before the A - some of our intimacy was re-established but not completely.

His A was with his co-principal in a romantic play. The characters shared 7 very intimate kisses in the play. They rehearsed 2 - 4 times a week over 10 weeks. The A started within about 2 weeks of them running these 'love' scenes. He had NO interest in prior to this - he tells me that she was a bit annoying, superficial etc.

And then the kissing started, she was flirting, showing keen interest in him professionally etc etc. The begin to build their credit in all the things they had in commmon - the fate of their meeting and it took 2 weeks to when he crossed the line off stage and dropped all boundaries.

And I know it is not only the 'power' of the chemicals realised with her during those scenes - but that he wasn't experiencing that with me. We probably kissed once or twice a week passionately during that period.

Thanks for this - but I do feel sad.

MegM

infact at the time of sex, he at times bruises my lips with his hand as if to physically erase the past encounters with OM n also to punish the offenders (the lips) physically.

This seems very wrong to me. I fully understand the anger a BH feels, but physical punishment? During sex? Does this happen often?

This is a very powerful subject. I think kissing frequently and passionately definitely went away in our M. It is only now that we are in R and have started talking about it that I really realize how important those little touches, kisses, and affectionate gestures are. Thanks for this thread!

My wife stopped kissing me, it became rather awkward, and it happened a long time before the affair. I always loved kissing.

She told me that he kissed her "like he meant it".

She asked me before she ever confessed to the affair why I stopped kissing her. I pointed out to her that it wasn't me who stopped kissing her, the reverse was true, and she had not only stopped kissing me, but didn't even kiss me when we had sex, and had multiple times in our marriage stopped having sex with me for months on end.

"Impairment of Intimacy" is the best way to describe it. After she told me about the sexual abuse and rapes in her past, it all made sense.

Hard work that.

WH and I barely kissed for a long time and it bothered me as I too loved it. I felt the lack of intimacy. Now we kiss more but not enough. Rarely during sex. I don't k ow why that is but we are exploring it a little.

I always think of that Pretty Woman moment and often feel like he is afraid of the intimacy. Ive told him this but he swears it is more about just not being used to expressing love or affection that way. Who knows the answer? Hopefully it will change because I need to feel like he needs to be close to me, needs to touch me andkiss me without sex being the end game.

without sex being the end game

That's pretty much what came out of IC....that the kissing ended because it came to be regarded as a prelude to sex.

Contributing Factor #1 - BH was always very anti-PDA. We rarely held hands, hugged, or kissed in public. The only time affection was really expressed was behind closed doors. Kissing generally resulted in a shag session.

Contributing Factor #2 - I was SAHM with a toddler and an infant when our sex life took a dive. No shagging = no kissing because BH wouldn't be able to stop at that. By the time the sex picked up, kissing was just not part of the picture because we had less time to get things done.

Contributing Factor #3 - BH's dependency on pot was increasing too. I felt like he had to be stoned to want me, and sex was all he wanted.

End Result - Sex became a batering tool, and that's all it was, just sex. All intimacy was lost.

I will dig some more as this is obviously just one part of my A picture. I don't blame BH at all. I just wish I had talked to him about how I was feeling.

I never kissed the OM, but my lips were where they should never have been! That was the basis of our liason for 18 years.

My H and I have always kissed; it is an integral part of our love languages.

It took TREMENDOUS COURAGE and BLOCKING OF MENTAL IMAGES for my H to kiss me after he discovered what I had done with OM.

At our advanced ages (in our 60s), we kiss more now than we ever did before.

I am so utterly grateful for my H's forgiveness and our determination to "hold on tighter."

~ lf

I am BS, I sometimes with held kissing during sex if it was late and he reaked of beer. He hated not kissing during sex. Now after A I think about those hings and although tha was not an excuse for A, but I will never not kiss him again.

at times bruises my lips with his hand as if to physically erase the past encounters with OM n also to punish the offenders (the lips) physically.

WHOA!!!!! That's extreme...does he know he bruises you? if so, how does he respond?

Pre Affair my wife had told me that she didn't "get" kissing and implied it didn't interest her ( I did enjoy it ) She would also complain if I had any stubble on my face and tried to kiss her (by complain I mean fuss, turn away and talk about getting a rash)

She had an affair with a married man, who had a full goat-tee, and made out with him every other weekend (when they worked together) for nearly a year, all the while telling me, her actual husband, that she didn't care for it (especially if I had a little stubble). I don't forgive her for any of it, and will never forget............

[This message edited by Betrayeddaddio at 8:42 PM, May 14th (Monday)]

Mrs.Jai, it has happened sometimes and, yes...he is aware of it. I understand the origin of it (ofcurse!!)and his feelings. Had I been the offended, would I like to kiss my partner i.e. the offender happily? I doubt!

Infact, these days, when we have sex, all emotions come out together n I end up in tears...tears of frustration with myself n for putting us in such an impossible situation. I like to have sex with him, like to cuddle him, love to kiss him...but just can't tell him bcos i know these words still pain him. He can not bear to hear the words 'i love u' from me any more. And, I understand it bcos I am the one who disrespected those words...infact all words - be it commitment, trust, love, friendship!

He tells me that he still stands by his promises n his commitment of standing beside me. But when I try to respond, words fail me...i cant use those words...how do I tell him that I am there with him thru his pain when I know that I was not with him in those weeks of my A.

I don't blame anyone but myself for my poor choices. We are 2 yrs post d-day n am feeling low for the past few days again. Sorry, for this depressing post!

Mrs.Jai, it has happened sometimes and, yes...he is aware of it. I understand the origin of it (ofcurse!!)and his feelings. Had I been the offended, would I like to kiss my partner i.e. the offender happily? I doubt!

Infact, these days, when we have sex, all emotions come out together n I end up in tears...tears of frustration with myself n for putting us in such an impossible situation. I like to have sex with him, like to cuddle him, love to kiss him...but just can't tell him bcos i know these words still pain him. He can not bear to hear the words 'i love u' from me any more. And, I understand it bcos I am the one who disrespected those words...infact all words - be it commitment, trust, love, friendship!

He tells me that he still stands by his promises n his commitment of standing beside me. But when I try to respond, words fail me...i cant use those words...how do I tell him that I am there with him thru his pain when I know that I was not with him in those weeks of my A.

I don't blame anyone but myself for my poor choices. We are 2 yrs post d-day n am feeling low for the past few days again.

Sorry, for this depressing post! That's why I hardly ever post!

I was never really interested in kissing and after several years of M it kind of went to the wayside which was fine with me. I didn't realize at the time it was because my BH and I were not emotionally connecting and kissing was too intimate...probably why I wasn't too interested. To the contrary after my year long friendship turned into a PA I could have kissed OM all day long-big difference when you are emotionally connected.

Don't give kissing a bad rap. It is part of the whole. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole.

Take all of what makes romance and passion a factor in why A takes place. Excitement, lust doing something somewhere it shouldn't be done. Get it back before its gone.

Kissing taken out of context is akin to shaking hands, it's too formal. Add some wine, music, warm oil.. You get the picture.

Signing out...

Don't give kissing a bad rap. It is part of the whole. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole.

Take all of what makes romance and passion a factor in why A takes place. Excitement, lust doing something somewhere it shouldn't be done. Get it back before its gone.

Kissing taken out of context is akin to shaking hands, it's too formal. Add some wine, music, warm oil.. You get the picture.

Signing out...