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[This message edited by betrayerb40 at 3:44 PM, July 16th (Monday)]

UnexpectedSong, I started IC a few months before the A was exposed. I wasn't just lying to him, I was lying to myself. I didn't want to be known as a cheater.

Since the A came out I have been totally honest with my counselor. It has helped a great deal.

Thanks..

at times he seems to be regressing.

Your H's healing is up to him. Don't patronize him. He gets to decide how long and to what extent he hurts.

You absolutely should be there for him, talk when he wants to, answer questions, bring up your topics, etc. But don't work on healing him. That's his job.

On the flip side, you should also not be healing for him. You should be healing yourself for yourself. That's the only way for it to stick.

Your right UnexpectedSong, his healing is up to him. I just want to be there and help him through his pain.

At this moment I'm at a loss. We have been through so many emotions. Tonight, after he came home he decided to go for a drive. I hope he is able to clear his head a little.

He is wanting to call my school, and school board and report the OM. I honestly don't care either way what happens to him, but this could affect my family as well. I am quitting, so i'm not worried about my job, but this could affect me getting a good reference for a future job. yes, I know I brought this on myself, but I am worried this will sabotage our family, and us being together.

Before he left he texted the OM and basically said to meet him at a gym, or somewhere to fight. (keeping it legal I guess). And if he didn't get back with him he was going to report him.

I tried to gently express my feelings about this becoming public. How it could affect our children, and my future employment. I understand wanting revenge, but I'm worried it will do more harm then good.

Sory if this sounds like an all about me post, but I am feeling tired and overwhelmed, and figured if I could vent here, I will be stronger when my H comes home.

I hope he comes to a good decision...

The more I read your post the more I see a lot of concern about how you would be affected.

I tried to gently express my feelings about this becoming public. How it could affect our children, and my future employment. I understand wanting revenge, but I'm worried it will do more harm then good.

Confronting the OM is not a good idea..I agree.

However not for the fact that it would be made public.

You took that risk when you began the affair..it's a consequence.

Your BH post on his thread did confirm what I thought.

It was you who pushed for the boob job..he wasn't all for it.

He went on your promise that you would handle the situation respectfully..you did not.

You dressed what he deemed inappropriate as your husband. You said he was not your father...which he is not..but as your BH his concerns should be considered.

I highly doubt if he was built like a muscle war machine..you would want him dressing to show off his form.

I asked you about the boob job and you said it was a mutual agreement..it obviously was not.

I said all that to say that I believe you are doing some good work on trying to save this marriage.

I do believe that you could be a little more concerned about how your BH feels and not the repercussions coming to you.

In all hindsight..you earned those repercussions.

Floridaman,

He was apprehensive about my boob job, but I would not say he was against it. No I did not honor all my promises (apparently). However, I don't feel I dressed inappropriate for work. There were times he didn't like what I was wearing, and when this occured I almost always changed.

A while back someone (not sure if it was you) posted that for now I should try and dress in a way that he will feel more comfortable. I feel I have been alittle more conservative. I recently bought a dress for a party with that advice in mind. I also promised him that I would not wear anything showey (for lack of a better word) unless we were together.

This has been an ongoing learning process. What I thought 2 weeks ago, or even 2 days ago to be true, may not be the case today. I continue to struggle with finding myself, and where I went wrong. I know I'm not there yet, but I am closer then I was when I started this thread.

Each day brings new enlighment for us both. It's kind of funny how two people can experience the same thing, and come back with totally diffent stories. I guess it's primarily about perception..

Interesting you say he wasn't totally against it..

He said he only agreed because YOU wanted it so badly.

Yes..perspective is key.

Could it have been that you only saw what you wanted and kept at him til you got it?

Your perspective is he agreed..my perspective is he gave in because you wanted it so badly.

Good that you are considering it now though.

Yes perspective is important, and as we discussed in MC last night two people can have been the exact same place together and have totally different memories. I'm sure having a breast enlargement gave me more confidence to an initiate an A, but it isn't the reason I cheated. I'm the reason I cheated.

I'm sure having a breast enlargement gave me more confidence to an initiate an A, but it isn't the reason I cheated. I'm the reason I cheated.

I am happy to see the perspective you have on responsibility. This may be nothing, but rather than cause and effect as some are suggesting, could both of these be effects of the same underlying cause? Were you on some level seeking the same thing from both the surgery and the A?

The two could go together though. You wanted to be desired and improve your appearance.

Surely you know that having a breast enlargement would draw male attention. That is a no-brainer.

Subsequently you entered into the affair 2 months after the enlargement...Yes you are the reason you cheated and the breast enlargement was helpful in that factor.

You cannot tell me that you did not know men would look at your breasts once they were enlarged.

There is correlation there.

betrayer, forget the boob job or what you wore, doesn't matter. You can be flat chested and wearing sweats, you will always find someone to help you destroy yourself.

What does matter is that you set boundaries and look to yourself for acceptance and approval.

betrayer, forget the boob job or what you wore, doesn't matter. You can be flat chested and wearing sweats, you will always find someone to help you destroy yourself.

This is true. I was pointing out something that was mentioned to me elsewhere.

I'm going to agree with hardlessons. I can't go back in time and see if the A would have happened if I didn't get the boobs, although I'm pretty sure it would have.

All I can do is move forward and recognize where to go from here. I don't like the person I was, and the poor decisions I made. My H and I are figuring things out, and I believe we will be stronger as a result. (so does our MC which gives me a lot of hope).