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Thanks standinghere. My wife has actually always been very open about her abuse and abandonment when she was young. But still, something recent triggered my wife's anger toward her mom and vulnerability to this other person. Her therapist thinks it's because our daughter is now the same age she was when most of it happened. I am killing myself because I saw the A coming as soon as the OP came back into her life, I prompted my wife to get into counseling to resolve her mommy issues but within weeks of the original contact, she had started the EA.

I have found out that you can get into an A much faster than you can build up the defenses to them and certainly faster than you can recover from them.

[This message edited by exhaustedHeart at 3:53 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)]

Im wondering if she considers herself bisexual. You say she has never been attracted to women,just this particular woman. That may be true. However being attracted to another woman and having sex(twice) with a woman are two totally different things. I think she needs to really examine this in IC. She needs to know why she would have sex with a woman if she is straight. Most straight people dont have sex with the same gender as they are.

I found out on d-day that my husband was/is bisexual. I never had a clue. We had a great sex life..it was full of passion and just outstanding(he would say the same). I never had any reason to think he was bisexual. Until on d-day when I found his secret email account and discovered he had met up with a stranger and had one sexual encounter..with a man.

I would imagine you're in a bit of shock. It feels almost like a double betrayal..not "only" did your spouse cheat..but you find out they are not who you thought they were. The shock lasted a good 5 months for me. Be kind to yourself.

My FWH and I are in R. It's HARD. It's painful and there are lots of days where I feel like walking away. But Im still here. Because i do think he is really remorseful. He's transparent and accountable for his time when not with me. And I know he hasnt cheated on me since he was caught.

So..it is possible to R with a bisexual spouse. Just because they are bi,doesnt mean they have to act on it. After all,Im straight,but Im faithful.

Good luck.

OMG yes. We have discussed the bisexual issue thousands of time over the years. I first found out about her feelings for this other woman over 20 years ago. It's never really been an important thing in her life and we've had very open and frank sexual discussions.

I am convinced that we are all bi-sexual to a certain extent but neither I, nor her, nor her therapist believes that this was a result of needing a same sex partner. If it is, it's way down the list of contributing factors. I'm sure it played a role, I just don't think it was a major one but thanks.

Hi exhaustedHeart

I read your post and your story sounded nearly like mine. The only exception being is I didn't know my wife had an attraction to women. That caught me out totally. I was so shocked I thought at one stage I was watching some one else's life.

Also if you can't trust your spouse who can you trust?

What everyone has said so far is totally correct. The first step is putting this bitch totally out of your life. If this doesn't happen there is nothing save.

After 5 years of being able to stay together "Is she gay?" is the question that constantly plays over in my head. I still don't have a satisfactory answer. I may never will.

My wife was always "open" about her abandonment and some of the abuse.

However, it was all a "partial truth" and to be blunt it was a fabrication. I found out that she had lied to me practically thousands of times, both lies of commission and lies of omission. She was so ashamed of what had happened to her, what had been done to her, what she had done (before she met me) that she fabricated this story of her life before me.

There was a hint to it, she had difficulty explaining timelines for about three years of her life. She couldn't really fill those in as we got to know each other, and history would conflict (I have a terribly great memory and many people would never have noticed the discrepancies). I'd ask her about that period and try to make sense of her life story, and it just didn't match. I'd always laughingly referred to them as the "missing years".

There was a mountain of stuff that she had hidden...once it began to come out, it seemed like it would never end.

My wife's affair occurred the year our oldest child turned the age she was when her family broke up the first time. Since she confessed and started telling the truth about her first 30 years, we have seen patterns all over the place....missing years were years she was so ashamed of that she couldn't even think of them or of a cover story.

I'm willing to bet your wife hasn't told you all there is to tell about those teenage years, and possibly other years before she met you.

As for all of us being bisexual to some extent, I can only tell you that that isn't true. I myself don't find men attractive at all, nor am I homophobic and I've worked with a number of gay and lesbian colleagues. I do find women of broad age range and shapes and sizes very attractive. But, I don't cheat, despite opportunities to have done so a number of times. The cheating is not about sexual orientation, it is about being damaged.

The cheating is a sort of abuse and neglect that is plastered onto your family, and it comes from the abuse and neglect that the person has suffered themselves.