SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The mother of my children (adolescent and teenage) and wife of 22 years cheated on me about a month ago. She says it was stupid and loves me and will do anything to regain my trust… My world has ended. My heart is broken and I cannot breath. We have been best friends for a quarter century and the lies and sneaking (aside from the extra-marital sex) are killing me. I want to curl up and die. The pain is unbearable. I cannot begin to think of a world without my best friend but right now, that's where I am. Someone, please, tell me there is hope. Tell me there is oxygen somewhere under this sea of pain. I love her and our family. Is this repairable?

I'm just SOOOO angry right now. How do I get the mental pictures out of my mind or keep from spitting in her face in front of our kids? How do I go to work and keep my job to provide for my family? How do I respond when friends and family ask, "How you doing?"

Her affair was with an old high school female friend who has always been openly gay. In high school, there apparently was some sexual tension between them but nothing was ever done about it despite the fact that they had a very close friendship as teenagers. Only as teenagers. I’ve always known about that. No secrets. My wife has never had real desires for any woman other than this one. We have always been very open about this. This girl is 4 or 5 years older than my wife and at the time they were friends, she filled a hole (no pun intended) in my wife's life when my wife's mother had emotionally abandoned her. They were friends for a few years but the girl got into bad things, doing and selling drugs, spending time in jail, getting shot, etc, etc, etc, and eventually disappeared. Along comes social media and guess who gets reconnected from 1000 miles away 30 years later? The woman lives many states away, no job, lives with her elderly mother, supposedly drug free but drinks alot and has many mental, physical & legal issues.

Still, they become fast friends again right as my wife is having issues with her mother, again. I saw bills for hundreds of texts a day, long phone calls, always ending when I walk in the room, quick FB shut downs, also when I walked in the room. She was VERY protective of her cell phone and never allowed me to see what she was texting or receiving and told me she deserved some privacy in her life.

My wife sees glimmers of the teenager this person once was, not the wreck of a person she now is that threatens all we have worked for. She knew with her brain that her actions were ridiculous and yet even seeing her screwy life first-hand knew it was foolish but still slept with her. Twice!

Worst part of this is that I knew in my heart what was going. Who wouldn't? But, we've always been so wonderful together. Our marriage has been great and loving, open and honest even in hard times. Our kids are great and we have built a wonderful life. I repeatedly asked her over and over and over if there was anything romantic in her relationship I gave her many chances to tell the truth. She promised me there was nothing going on. Soooooo, when she said she wanted to take a trip and go visit her (with my youngest child along for a "vacation"), I trusted her as always.

Despite what I saw with my eyes and heart, I trusted her. I TRUSTED HER! I refused to believe and got assurances that there was only me in her heart, much less her pants! What a loving fool I was! WHAT AN IDIOT!

Well, there was sex on the trip (with my little one asleep in the next room). There had been explicit texts and phone calls for months prior. The word "love" was used in both directions.

Someone, please offer me some hint of an explanation. I need something. Help me understand this! Am I just collateral damage to her mommy issues or is that too naïve?

[This message edited by exhaustedHeart at 11:08 PM, July 29th (Sunday)]

Welcome to SI, ExhaustedHeart. I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but you've come to a wonderful community for support.

The emotional and physical reactions to what you have just found out are truly devastating, but they don't stay at this pitch forever.

First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself. Drink water, try to sleep, and eat even if you don't feel like it. That's one of the best ways to arm yourself with energy to face the days ahead.

I recommend that you check out the Healing Library. You can click on the link in the yellow box in the upper left corner of this page. There's a great thread here also on how to cope in the very beginning:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=120134

I'm just SOOOO angry right now. How do I get the mental pictures out of my mind or keep from spitting in her face in front of our kids? How do I go to work and keep my job to provide for my family? How do I respond when friends and family ask, "How you doing?"

We've ALL felt this way, and we've all learned how to manage these things by reading books on infidelity, getting into counseling, and coming here to vent and get advice. It sounds like the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass may be beneficial to you both, as well as "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" By Linda MacDonald.

There's also a Forum here called I Can Relate, and there's a specific thread where members post whose Wayward Spouses have cheated with same-gender Affair Partners. You may find some great advice and support there as well.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=185096

Breathe and just focus on handling the pain now. Your Wife is showing remorse which is a good step towards rebuilding, if that it what you want to do. You don't have to decide today, tomorrow, or next week. Just try to arm yourself with as much information as possible, and protect yourself. You should go get tested for STD's and have your WW do the same, to be safe.

There IS hope. You WILL be ok. We are here for you.

Sending hugs and strength.

(((exhaustedHeart)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:22 PM, July 29th (Sunday)]

Welcome to SI, exhaustedHeart. I'm sorry you have a reason to be here, but so glad you found us.

This is all still very new to you. The trauma of betrayal can be very overwhelming. For now, you need to practice some self-care to get you through this in a healthy way.

Drink plenty of water and eat something, even if you don't feel like it.

Try to get regular sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping, please discuss this with your doctor so you can get some assistance. You will not be able to care for yourself or your children if you are not getting sufficient sleep.

Get your body moving in some way - walking, running, riding a bike, going up and down stairs - whatever works for you and your schedule. The endorphins from exercise will help with your emotional state and with relieving some of the stress and anxiety.

Read up in the Healing Library. You can find a link to it in the upper lefthand corner of your screen in the yellow box.

Most importantly, please know that you do not need to make any major decisions right now. Everything can wait until you feel like you have your feet back underneath you. You may find that counseling can help you deal with some of the pain and emotions that are flooding you right now. Your wife could also benefit from counseling to help her understand how she allowed herself to betray you, your marriage, and herself.

Keep posting. There's always someone here for you. And keep breathing. You will survive this, exhautedHeart.

There is no shame in trusting your spouse. It is supposed to work that way.

Yeah, facebook can be a bitch.

How are you eating. It sounds like you are at the start of the infidelity diet, expect to lose several pounds rapidly if you don't make a concious effort to eat. Forget any plans for healthy eating, it is healthier just to be eating anything you can get down, even if that means chocolate bars and the odd handfull of M&M's. (Incidentally, M&M's were actually developed thinking of ways to get sufficient food to soldiers in hot regions)

You also want to keep hydrated, drink whatever liquids you like, but plenty of them (except alcohol). You would be amazed how much water your body can lose while hyperventillating.

Consider seeing a doctor for some short term antidepressants, and more likely anti anxiety such as xanax. Just use xanax to take the peaks off the pain, it seems to lose effectiveness over time.

We will be here for you to listen, and to answer any questions you have.

Welcome, EH. Sorry you are here, but we have all been there and back and yes, you will make it through this.

I know your mind is going crazy right now, but just breathe. Concentrate on drinking enough water, and see a doctor if you need something to help you sleep. This is a terrible shock. In a way, the shock of the first week or so can almost protect you. I went through the motions, nobody knew anything was wrong. But I am glad you found us early on.

Do not blame yourself for trusting her. You should be able to trust your wife. You are not an idiot – I did the same thing, asked my husband if his ‘friend’ was more than a friend, and believed his answer, because I KNEW he would never lie to me.

It IS reparable, if you both want it. Where is your wife in her thinking? Is she still in the affair fog, or has she shown remorse? Did she confess or did you confront?

If you haven’t read it yet, get Dr. Glass’ book Not Just Friends; it will help you start to understand this crazy mind-f*ck called infidelity.

Someone, please offer me some hint of an explanation. I need something. Help me understand this! Am I just collateral damage to her mommy issues or is that too naïve?

There is no way I can explain this, because to someone who wouldn’t cheat, there is no reasonable explanation. But yes, you probably are collateral damage to her mommy issues. Nothing you did made her cheat. Most wayward spouses, if they do the work to figure out how they stooped so low, usually trace their distorted thinking back to FOO (family of origin) issues, problems with self-esteem, selfishness and empathy, or even to undiagnosed medical issues like bi-polar, etc. They tend to ‘affair down’ to someone they perceive as weaker than themselves.

I won’t lie to you – this is a very hard thing to get through, but you will, and you will gain clarity the more you are able to process this. The anger can feel overwhelming – having someone to talk to, in real life or on here, will help, as will joining a gym or some other physical activity.

Please take good care of yourself!

Thank you all. Sad seeing soooo many people saying "just found out". Jeezus, is business really this good?

My wife seems to be remorseful. She swears that she had already decided to end the A just before I found out. She left an old cell phone in her car when I was moving it out of the way on the driveway. All I had to do was open it and got explicit texts pop right up.

She says she realizes it was selfish and stupid and that she risked the best thing in her life but it's all so hard to swallow. She's swearing NC. I do want to stay but the STD thing really scares me. She had unprotected sex. So many questions about that. She's saying lesbian sex is so much less risky but the reading I'm doing is certainly not as bad as unprotected gay male sex but it's still nightmarish especially since this OP has such a dirty history. It's disgusting that she would bring that into our home!

Do I need to be tested or just her? Should we go to our regular docs or someplace across town where we have less risk if knowing someone? I guess I'll post that question in the other forum.

[This message edited by exhaustedHeart at 12:01 AM, July 30th (Monday)]

I think you should also be tested. It's your choice whether you want to go to your doctor or one you have never seen before. I did both. I first went to a Planned Parenthood office where I knew no one. I was, at the time, ashamed that I had to be tested, even though I had done nothing wrong. When I did a follow up test, I went to my regular doctor. She was amazingly supportive.

I second the need to get tested regardless. Many WS's had unprotected sex, because using protection would burst the "fantasy" bubble. My FWH had unprotected sex, and I was terrified. The other woman was a dirty, promiscuous person who did not behave as if she cared about her health. I knew that getting results on something early would mean I had a better chance of fighting it off. All of our results came back negative, thankfully.

Her deduction is more out of minimizing than reassurance. Do not let her talk you out of it, or say she doesn't need to.

Please don't be scared, though. Getting results as soon as possible will likely just be a huge relief. It feels so scary now because your emotions are heightened. You will be ok. Come post and ask questions. We're here for you.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:22 AM, July 30th (Monday)]

I am sorry you are hear. It does seem like business is going all to well with all of us on here. The good side is some of us just sticks around and is not in a fresh Dday.

I would suggest you both get tested. I went to our regular doctor but hell she knew most everything going on anyhow since well more issues came up with it. I got on some meds to help me through it too so I felt more comfortable talking to the doctor we knew then trying to convince a new doctor for things.

I had my WH tested 3 times and planning o getting another one done in December. The 2 year mark. I am a wee bit paranoid of catching anything.

The mental pictures are the worse but they get better. We all slip from time to time and have a hard time tossing them out of our minds but they get less common and do not have the impact that they did closer to Dday.

Take care of yourself and take a bit of time to yourself to figure out what you need and want.

My wife has cooperated about NC so far. We've blocked phone numbers and she defriended her on FB. She is resisting deleting/trashing pictures since prior to the A, this person was an old friend but I feel like that leaves some contact. Should I push for her to trash every shred of her existence or will that make her with drawl worse and reduce the chances of it's success?

Welcome brother. Im sorry you find yourself here. I agree that the OP must be totally removed from your lives. She is not a friend and certainly not a friend of the M. Friends do not sexually prey on married people. Your WW needs to realize that. Also she needs to understand that an A no mattter what the nature of the persons sexual preference is just plain wrong. Im not too familiar with the STD risks involved via lesbian activity. But lesbians tend not to suffer from STD,s in general. Small consolation but maybe it can help you a bit. But I certainly dont see where any harm can come from getting tested. You should speak to your primary care physician and get some information and testing. As you read and post you will see that almost everyone agress that no friendship can exist between A partners if R is on the table.

I hate to say this but you must demand that the friendship stop in everyway. Once you sleep with someone there is no going back to just being friends. It just does not work. If she is serious abour R she needs to understand that. Sometimes it takes a little while for them to see that. What you need to do is make certain that NC is actually in effect. Many WS tens to try and find a way to keep the A alive if even in a small way. Distance is certainly on your side for the physical aspect. But she has many ways of keeping the A alive emotionally. Keep a strong vigil for such contact. If your WW is sincere about R she will not balk at your requests for transparency. She should give you access to her cell, e-mails, social media outlets etc. An A is hard enough. But a same sex A tends to add fuel to the fire. Sexual orientation gets thrown into play and clouds the water even more. My suggestion would be to take a hard line with her. Its my opinion that if you try and reason with a WS or make deals you come off as soft. And a weak BS is usually walked all over on. A strong and determined approach works best. Make your demands for R perfectly clear. Also make your consequences just as clear. And be willing to enforce said consequences. Up to and including D. Let her know from the start that if she breaks NC, can not or will not observe boundaries with this person you will walk. Its the only weapon at your disposal right now. Please keep posting and reading. This site is a godsend for folks to heal from the nightmare of infidelity.

EH, Like everyone else, I am very sorry that you have to be here. you will find help and advice and it will come from those that have already walked the path you are about to take.

I hate to say this but you must demand that the friendship stop in everyway. Once you sleep with someone there is no going back to just being friends. It just does not work. If she is serious abour R she needs to understand that.

^^^ This is very important. It does not matter that they were once great friends, the AP is toxic to your marriage and she needs to go. Zero contact.

There is hope but the process is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Your wifes actions will set the path and there is not much you can do to show her the path, it is all on her.

This is in now way your fault, she made the decision to cheat. Please find a IC, she will need one too.

Keep posting, you can get through this.

Sad seeing soooo many people saying "just found out". Jeezus, is business really this good?

Yup. Really sad part is, despite being number one on google for a lot of the searches, there are so many possible phrases to search under that we are still like that great little store that nobody has heard of. There are probably about 8 million people out there going through this right now that have not found us.

I'm reading that it's really common for the WS to say that they were "Protecting" the BS by not telling us since they knew it was a temporary thing.

Wow! I don't know what is more confusing/infuriating. The fact that they risk wonderful relationships/families with what they know is "temporary" or the fact that they can BS themselves and believe that crap! Or is that all just a line they use to try to excuse their selfishness?

Or is that all just a line they use to try to excuse their selfishness?

I think it's a combo of the both, that makes it all the trickier to debunk. They are trying to get out of having to own it, but a part of them does believe that they are sparing you. There is so much literature on how they need to come completely clean, you can combat that line of thinking.

Here's a link to what true Reconciliation looks like:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

(((EH)))

EH,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Lots of good advice in the posts above mine.

Wow! I don't know what is more confusing/infuriating. The fact that they risk wonderful relationships/families with what they know is "temporary" or the fact that they can BS themselves and believe that crap! Or is that all just a line they use to try to excuse their selfishness?

^^Yup. This is what mine told me. He knew he wasn't going to be with her for any long-term thing, so why bother risking our M for a "fling" by telling me. They are very, very messed up people with messed up thinking. The only thing that has helped my fWH get his head screwed back on somewhat right is IC and MC.

*drink lots of water

*sleep when you can

*eat what will stay down

*get yourself STD tested

*Remember you are NOT the idiot!

*post here often

((((hugs))))

2) Liars lie to protect themselves.

If they wanted to protect you, then they wouldn't have done whatever requires the lying in the first place. Lies are intended to protect the offender from facing the consequences of their choice and action. The lies can be either direct intentional lies, or by omitting information. Those who have nothing to hide will hide nothing. If they're hiding information from you - you can bet it serves their purpose.

Got this from one of the awesome posts for newbies. Good stuff in there.

I have been married for 20 years and I know how hard this is for you. Get tested you will better knowing you and your wife are clean. Make sure she also gets tested. If you are comfortable with your doctor go for it. Believe me they have heard it all. It gets better with time I am at 3 weeks now and can almost sleep through the night. I can also get through my day at work without crying. Well today anyway.

If you and she want to work it out don't give up. It will get better if you are both committed. You will be on a horrible roller coaster from second to second for a while. At least I still am.

I'm not really comfortable with my doctor but that almost made it easier. It was like talking to a machine. I got a rx and am heading to the lab but unfortunately not everything can be told from blood testing. I may have to wait for a second round of tests as confirmation and I have to decide whether or not they are going to shove a giant cotton swap into my penis. Lovely!

[This message edited by exhaustedHeart at 1:13 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)]

I just collateral damage to her mommy issues

Yes, you and your children, your family, they are collateral damage to issues that your wife has not dealt with.

Can the damage be repaired?

Yes, but she must work hard to figure herself out.

Read my profile...it has been difficult. I have to reassure my wife pretty much every day that she's ok and worthwhile. Her mother abandoned her at a very vulnerable age.

when my wife's mother had emotionally abandoned her

This happened to my wife and then she was abused. Her mother did this to both children and they both acted out sexually and emotionally in ways that are very destructive, hard to believe that either of them are still alive.

Now that my wife and her sister are talking, the damage is quite tremendous in both and her sister still can't deal with it in a constructive way and already passed the same damage on to her kids.

This has nothing to do with you, or your kids.

Nothing...you are collateral damage to unresolved issues.