SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Update:

Well now I think I got all the truth. You were all right. I was too blind to see it but he never did end the affair until the beginning of May (according to him).Her husband hired a private investigator and found out that they were still seeing each other. Her BH tried to tell me but wh denied it and I was in denial. I didn't figure it out until June 16th when i went into our office and found his secret Facebook page that he created when I found out in October. He thought he was in love with her, there were talks about him leaving me for her. They have been talking everyday this whole time and saw each other 2-3 times a week. When I found out I walked out on him and left for my parents with the kids for two weeks. We almost separated but now I am back home and we are going to marriage counseling. I do think he is out of the fog and is being remorseful. But I am having a terrible time getting over it. I obsess over her. She is a size 00 (even though she is bulimic) So I feel insecure about my weight. He said she was very nurturing. So I guess I am not. I don't know how to act around him. He tells me to be myself but he wasn't happy when I was myself. I don't know how I am ever going to believe a word he says. He lied to me for 8 months!!

((((Mom))))

I am glad that you did get the truth. I just read the entire thread, and knew in my gut from your first post that it was still ongoing. You need to do a few things for you before you even consider trying to R with your H.

1. read the healing library, and sit down and figure out what it would take for you to rebuild your M.

2. See a lawyer, so that you aren't afraid to do what you want because of the unknown.

3. Go get yourself STD tested. Even if he tells you they used protection they didn't. Since she sounds like she has other issues this may not be her first go round with an A.

While you are at the Dr talk to them about your stress level, andif you are having trouble with eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated ask for a little chemical support. Sleep deprivation for me fed the anxiety, and obsessive thinking.

NEXT and this is VERY VERY IMPORTANT -

YOU are not the cause of his A. You weren't too thin, too fat, too kind, too mean, too bad of a cook. You were NOT a bad mom, housekeeper, bad lover. His actions have actually NOTHING to do with you. It is about something broken within himself. He has to figure that out. Why he felt the need to go outside the M to feel whatever he got from the A.

Do not compare yourself to her. She is broken. You already know that. someone who stuffs and chucks has issues, and they are pretty deep usually. It's not about being thin.

The last thing to consider is your H really remorseful, or his he just sorry he was caught? There is a difference. Sorry I was caught looks like lots of words, and not much action , in addition to not wanting to talk about it, getting angry, and blameshifting when you ask questions.

Real remorse is kind, gentle, and backbreaking to help you heal from what he did.

You will find tons of support, and many great people here.

Keep posting, and keep asking questions.

((((and strength))))

Well now I think I got all the truth

I am sorry to say but I don't think any BS ever gets all of the truth. Anyone capable of lying and cheating is going to minimize their horrid behavior even if they are remorseful. They don't want to look like even more of a jackass than they already do.

Tread lightly. Why is this time different than the other 3 with regard to telling the truth?

He tells me to be myself but he wasn't happy when I was myself.

I know exactly what you mean. EXACTLY. I said the same thing to my husband. Why am I suddenly the love of your life when I wasn't why you were having an A? I haven't changed. My FWH said that it was he that finally realized what he had and was taking me and our family for granted. Duh

All I will say to you is that do not beat yourself up over the WHY he chose to have an affair. As hard as it is to understand, it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. It was an ego stroke and it was an escape from reality. La La La Fantasy Land.

They say when someone has an affair it is not about what they aren't getting, it is about what they aren't giving.

He needs IC to figure out why he chose to cheat, why and how it was okay and why it continued after 3x's of being discovered? Why should you believe him now? What changed?

As far as the other woman is -she is as broken as your husband. Who cares if she's a size 00. She is a shell of a person that betrayed her husband and her friend. Her soul is UGLY.

She was very nurturing because she was busy creating and environment where she could lie and manipulate to satisfy her own selfish needs. She had the play book on how to be an understanding and loving person. She didn't have to deal the real world with him. It was sunshine and rainbows and nothing real or hard.

How about HE worry about nurturing YOU if he wants to stay? How about him getting over himself and making this about YOU and how he needs to accept accountability and help you heal?

He tells you to be yourself. Tell him you don't know who that is anymore because he has turned your world upside down and you don't know which way is up right now. But if and when you figure it out (and you will) you hope he has done the hard work that will help you to want to remain with him.

Shift the power. This isn't about you winning him back this is about him winning you back.

He should be begging forgiveness and so incredibly thankful that you are still around after DDay #3.

Have you verified NC? Have you defined your boundaries. Does he know what will happen if there is a DDay #4?

Good luck. Protect yourself and your children because it will take some time to work through all the hurt, lies and deceit.

Good luck. Prayers for strength.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:11 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]