SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I confessed my affair to my wife because OW started to scare me. She was telling me she loved me and that she wanted to be with me. I felt like I was getting too far involved and I was afraid of OW doing something to out me so I wanted to end this.

I don't know what I feel about my wife. We haven't been "in love" for a while. If we were I wouldn't have had my affair.

Really? So why the HELL were you making babies only 6/7 months ago?? Tragic, Noah; really tragic.

Its just so difficult with a BW who *barely* cares.

Wow. Oh just wow. <sigh> <Dismay>

I have to go to work, so I have no time right now. I'll be here later though. Right now, I just had to express my utter disappointment.

I was proud of you for confessing. I never did that. I wished I had. I'm no longer proud of you for doing that - I see now you only did it to get out of the fat, and now you're in the fire. Only you don't see that, you only see yourself - what's in it for "me". You didn't confess for her, you did it for you. Sad Noah, that's really sad.

Look, I've been reading a lot. So many different BW's D-Day stories. I see so much pain and how hurt they are and how much they love their WH's. And I don't see that at all from my BW. So yeah it does sting.

You're only seeing what they post - that's NOT the same as what they might be showing their WS. If your BW posted somewhere - and if she's telling someone, bet your ass her description is very different from what she shows you. Equally, don't compare her to others and then get "disappointed" in her reaction. This is not a sport in which you then tell her she's not performing the right way. Is there a chance that she's cold and ambivalent to you because she's aware that's what gets to you? Maybe there's an element on her knowing what you want and she is consciously NOT giving that to you. Maybe it's just that that's holding her together. Or maybe she really doesn't give a fuck about you right now. Why should she? You clearly didn't and at the moment you're not doing much to show here you do now either.

This isn't about YOU Noah. You made it all about you when you chose to have your A. Now it's all about HER. Until you get that, you won't get your M. You don't get her support until you give it all up. ALL of it. Who cares where you'll be in a month if she kicks you out? Find a friend to crash with (a male one); go to your parents, hotel, rent a room - there are a million options. All that matters is what you do now. Seriously, you have to start committing or you'll have nothing left to commit to.

Ah, I don't why I'm bothering writing this. People said this to me and I wasn't ready to hear it. I was just where you are now; I felt the *I don't feel like you do, I'm just being honest* and then I ignored everyone who told me what we're saying to you now. The sad thing is we all say this stuff, not to lecture, but to stop YOU making the same effing huge fuck ups we made after the A. But the reality is, you'll make you're own mistakes anyway, right until you decide to really listen, not just read what's being said.

You might want to give this whole thing some thought - I know my highlights in quotes here will p&*s you off probably - you'll feel that there's so much more to your situation than is presented. But really, this sums your attitude right up. Think on that before a knee jerk reaction post back.

Lastly though - this:

Maybe this isn't the proper forum?

Really? Sure go ahead, have a surf around it's free world, and most of here could name other forums to redirect you to. There's even one which will help you cheat (so I'm told) - sickening. You could keep looking until you find the one that gives you the answers you want; rather than sticking here for the answers you need. The only thing I would say, that this is the most pro-marriage and pro-R site I've heard of - so the decision to stay here, post and listen and use the advice as you need is yours - I guess ultimately the site you choose depends on what end result you want. I'm glad my BS found here - if he'd stuck with the others he'd found before we'd be divorced and I'd be the same fucked up mess I was back then.

To answer you question directly - yes, pretty sure its a "proper forum"; but you already knew that. You just don't like the responses.

[This message edited by OktoberMest at 3:03 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

HI Noah,

Trust me, you wouldn’t like to be in my place. I have given 2 years of immense pain to my wife, and this is after she had to find out everything I’ve done. I’ve done everything wrong in those 2 years after the first Dday. This is why I’m talking to you. I want to stop you from doing the same thing to your wife. The comments you got must not stop you from posting on this site, let’s be fair, you deserved them, but most of them are given in good faith, so you can understand something.

Your situation looks hopeless, I agree, and there is nowhere to turn. But, it gets very clear once you take “YOU” out of equation. What do “You” need, and what do “You” want. I suggest you turn the things around, by dropping “you” completely from the story. Think of your wife, and what she needs, regardless if you love her or not. Think of her as a human being who is in pain, suffering, mother of 3 kids, your friend. Think of your kids, unsuspected, born in this world free of any expectations, only to have you as their father. They didn’t choose to be born, but, at least, you can give them a safe environment to grow. Think of your wife’s safety, of their safety. Stop your A immediately, close the door, think of this as a taking the “You” out of equation. In your profile, you say that your family is your priority. Than, act that way. This is something you can do straight away, without any thinking, without trying to figure out anything else in life. Be there for them. Act responsibly. Put “You” on hold for a while. Don’t demand anything from anybody, be there to fill their needs. This is the least you can do for them. Don’t incur any more pain to your family. As for the fact that your BW doesn’t care, once you take “YOU” out of equation and start caring for her, regardless if she cares back, things will get clearer. You owe her that much and much more. Take responsibility, be a man. At this moment you are not even important in this whole mess, everybody else is.

As for the emotional issues, I guess there are plenty to look into. This is something you must seriously take care of. I can’t tell what is wrong with you, it took me 2 years to start finding out what is wrong with me, but something is wrong. The right person to talk would be IC. But, also, be careful of the choice, you might get to the wrong one who will take you in completely wrong direction and impose his opinions on you. I suggest you take your posts with you, they will tell him a lot. Think about love more than betrayal. You said you loved your wife, but the love is gone. Why? How much did you contribute to this. Don’t fall into the trap of “ME” again. Would you like to feel the same way again, like you used to feel, and if so, why? Why don’t you feel that way again. Try to find your fault, and trust me, there is one as big as a planet.

This is as much advice I can give you, and than, it might not be right. I’m sorry that administrator closed this thread to BS’s, because, their input is more than precious. People like us have some kind of emotional fault and need serious shakes to see the things clearly. You must understand the posts as a cry of deeply hurt people that can not understand your attitude, your selfishness, your obsession with “what will be good to you” in the wake of the disaster you have caused. I’m sure that you can not even see the real dimensions of the mayhem you have caused, to put it gently. And trust me, if your wife could be able to find her voice, which looks like it is lost somewhere deep inside her pain, she would sound exactly the same like those BS’s who have responded to you.

The good thing is that there is still a chance for you to get your family out of this mess. There are numerous people on this site, on both sides of the fence, people hurt beyond the chance of having another happy day in their whole lives, destroyed people, people stucked within the limitation of their choices, people with no options but only pain. Trust me when I tell you, you don’t want to be that person, you don’t want to be that persons child, you don’t want your wife to go there. Nobody, nobody that will log onto this site without the gun pointed to his/her head, will want that. Yes, you might feel unloved, disorientated, confused, even emotionally dead. But, wait, until reality of what you have done hits you, wait until you see the damage you have, or might cause even more in your wife and kids. This is chilling stuff. This is something you can’t even understand by reading all the pages on this site unless you “live” it. This might follow you for the rest of your life, regardless how young you are. It might turn “YOU” in something you don’t ever want to be.

Good luck with your choices

Noah,

Come on dude, wake up! OPEN YOUR EYES! OPEN YOUR EARS! OPEN YOU MIND! OPEN YOUR HEART! Take in what this site has to offer. Whether or not u like the responses...u NEED them!

I'm sitting here in the hospital holding my new born son @ 430am while my W is sleeping next to me, and I'm still trying to reach out to you. To help you. Yet u seem to not be reseptive to help! U seem like u r always on the defensive. SIers r not trying to attack u. They r trying to enlighten u.

Let me hit u were it counts...what would u do if ur W kicked u out of the delivery room. Told u that u were not welcome to see ur child after they r born. Told u to not come to the hospital. What would u do? How would u feel? Not that kids r to be used as a weapon, not what I'm saying. But think about it, she very well may not want u around ur child. And if that's the case and u truly want R then u must respect that. U haven't respected ur wife in a long time. If u did u wouldn't have had an A. So consider not seeing ur gorgeous amazing piece of a miracle, all because u r still think about me me me. U r a FATHER, we have NO room for me anymore. It is all about GIVING! Giving of ur time and energy to grow, care, nurture, teach, protect, and LOVE ur child. Ur M is a lot like a newborn child in the post dday time frame. U r the parent and ur W is the newborn. She doesn't have the answers, u need to find them for urself. U say ur not strong enough...well grow a pair, man up, and do the work. U r responsible for showing ur W that u r worth her caring about, that she can see that after dday there is some hope that u r not the same man that had the A. That u can GROW UP. Step into a new role, show her u care, show her u r worthy of R. Cuz R is a gift! One that is not given, its earned! If u want it, then fight for it! If u want her, fight for it! If u want ur marriage, fight for it! Show her that u r man enough to improve upon urself and MAYBE shell see that u r worth her time. Cuz in ur current mentality u r not!

U made a comment that ur wife barely cares...pardon me while I laugh...HA! If she didn't care she would have left. I she didn't care she wouldn't be tearing herself up inside. Which I asure u she is! She may be doing the whole cold as steel thing to protect herself from more harm. U have already hurt her in the most vulnerable part of her life, while she's pregnant! So I can understand that she wouldn't feel comfortable showing u her true feelings. U obviously were not thinking about them before, during or after the A, so why should she think now is any different. What have u done for HER to show that know is different, that u care NOW? Cuz from what I read of ur posts its been NOTHING!

Noah, please utilize SI! HEAR these people, not just listen! SEE these words, not just read them!

U have an opportunity to belong to something so precious, to bring a living miracle of God into this world! DO NOT THROW IT AWAY! Man up, grow up! Do the work for YOU! If u work on U, only then can u be worth something worth fighting for to ur W!

As I sit here holding my son, my heart breaks for u! Please realize the opportunity u still have, cuz it may never come back around. And if it does, uve already missed out on so much!

Man up, grow a pair, and get ready for the FIGHT of ur life! Fight for ur W, fight for ur M, fight for R, fight for love, fight for ur kids!

Good luck! You NEED it!

After all the good advice you got on the last thread, you proceeded to ignore it. Just couldn't do NC.

Because you are selfish and need a back-up plan.

That's sad.

You will probably lose your M if you keep defaulting to the path of weakness.

You want a comittment from your wife? After you fucked a young woman for months?

Are you delusional?

The most obvious choice for your wife is D. IF she chooses to R, that will be her on her timeline NOT yours.

If you can't handle that, leave.

What have YOU started doing to show your wife YOUR committment?

Oh wait, you want her to make the first move.

You should be doing everything you can and you are screwing it up royally. You need to show your wife your comittment not the other way around. And since you still talk to OW, you haven't even done the most basic steps. Your wife is in shock. Quit focusing on her and find your strength to do what is right.

Get IC. Read some books "not just friends." "How to help your spouse heal from an A." "Five Love Languages"

And go back and read your last thread again.

ETA: What is "in love?" Is it passion and excitement? Is that what you felt with OW? Do you think that love lasts with no effort?

Real love requires work. It is not a feeling. That is a misconception. Love is shared experience and honesty and real intimacy.

You CAN get that back. But one person has to start working on it. And the cheater is the person who needs to start that process.

I strongly suggest The 5 Love Languages. It is a simple book but opened my eyes.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 5:41 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Noah

Let me ask you this. If you knew your wife and baby were in danger ? A intruder was about to come into your home and harm them would you protect them or open the door and lead the intruder to them ? The other woman is the intruder. And right now your leading her right to your wife and baby. Man if you mean what you say get your Armor on and get to the door and protect your wife. She needs you to fight for her now and your baby too. Quit protecting your self go NC and mean it. Your time is running out to have any chance with your wife. We are telling you from the terrible choices we made and saw the destruction we did.

[This message edited by newbeg2011 at 7:21 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

You're scared. You're really scared and going NC makes you vulnerable if your wife leaves you. I get it.

If you truly want to be with your wife-- if you want to look at yourself in the mirror and see a man of integrity-- if you want to be a good father-- write a NC letter/email sternly stating that you are committed to your wife and unborn child and that you never want to see or talk to her again. Ever.

It will be hard to do, because you will make yourself vulnerable. You need to accept that you're in a vulnerable position now-- you have a lot of scary, hard work to do. And there is no guarantee your wife will help you through it-- she has a lot of scary, hard work to do for herself.

I'm glad you're going to counseling on Monday. My thoughts are with you, your wife & your kid-- I pray for god's will in this.

So sorry; I missed the stop sign.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:42 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Cheater Noah

Please read everyone's advice here on this thread and give your head a shake.

I don't know whats in the water around here but what's up with all the WH cheating on your pregnant wives? I can barely read here let alone provide advice.

Stop being so selfish. I may be a WW but if my BH had an A while I'm pregnant I would want to shoot him. Your BW is very hurt and it's pathetic that you don't believe her response is good enough for you. You want to see anger from her, give her a few weeks buddy. Anger will come and you'll be freaked out.

I hope your BW is going to get the support she needs, focus on herself and ignore you until your head is out of your ass.

Good luck in counseling. You need it

Wow. I don't even know where to begin.

First and foremost, direct your wife to SI. She's going to need the support.

Second, find your backbone. Start using it. Everything you say, everything you do is reactionary to what others around you are saying and doing. Do you not think for yourself? Can you not make a single decision about anything completely on your own?

Why did you end the A and confess to your wife? I mean really? Because what I'm seeing is, you're keeping both these women on the hook just in case one of them doesn't work out and bails on you. Can you not function alone? How do you feel about being alone?

You really don't 'get it'.

Love isn't a flippin' fairy tale. Crap like Beauty and the Beast and Snow White does not exist. Love is not happy butterfly feelings and hearts floating around your head. Sure it feels like that in the beginning. When I married Mr. Aubrie, we were dirt poor, sitting on borrowed furniture and making cheap pasta because it was all we could afford. Didn't even have a t.v. The "new" wore off. We had children, life happened, career changes, health issues, out of state moves, etc. The butterflies and floating hearts are nowhere to be found. Does that mean that we don't have love anymore? Not in the least. Someone asked you and I don't think you answered. Do you know what love really is?

Noah, you are 4, no 5 days out from Dday. And you are expecting your wife to tell you what to do. You are expecting your wife to commit to R. Really...?

She doesn't even know which way is up or down and you have the nerve to ask her what she wants? If that's the case, you may as well walk Bro. Healing from infidelity is a 2 to 5 year process. And that's just a general ballpark. There's some folks here that are 7-10 years into the journey.

I can't tell you how many BS here have said they'd give it a year before they committed to R or not. What will be your reaction if your wife takes that route? Can you wait a year for an R verdict?

There is enough info in the two threads you've posted, as well as in the HL and elsewhere that gives you an OBVIOUS map on what you need to do. You just need to find your gumption to do it. And if you are serious about fixing this mess, YOU will do whatever it takes to fix this mess without asking your wife to hold your hand every single step of the way. Go total and complete NC on the OW. Period. You left the door wide freaking open for her. And she knows it. Mark my word, in a week or two, she's gonna come knocking again. What are you going to do?

As far as the hurting her feelings, that's ridiculous. How do you think your WIFE feels!? Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe her feelings may be hurt in this?

You state your wife isn't getting mad or angry yet. Noah, she is in shock. Give it time. It'll come. Maybe it won't be expressed in the same way as others here. My husband's reaction was different than most here, but he did have anger, indifference, and contempt. It comes. If she finds it or not, what does that mean to you? Will it make you feel more like a bad boy if you get screamed and yelled at? Will it make you feel better? Do you want her to beat you over the head with this?

Listen, regardless of what your wife does, you are a flipping basketcase. MC is swell, but you need to start looking at YOU more than the marriage as a whole. YOU have alot of stuff to work thru. YOU have things that need inspected. (Which countless people on this thread have asked you about.) YOU need to look within and figure out your "whys". Why did you cheat? Why did you chose to escape to another woman instead of MC with your wife? Why did you think it was ok to lay aside your boundaries?

You need to take a good hard look in the mirror. You need to fix YOU. Because quite honestly, your wife may or may not chose to R with you. Either way, you are still you. And the crappy parts of you are still buried deep within. History will repeat itself. It may take time and a few years with a new chick. But you will fall out of love with that one too and find another OW. Take it from someone who's had 4 EAs in 10 years. If you don't fix YOU, it doesn't matter about how much the marriage is worked on, you'll screw up again and again.

Fix you.

WS Only

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 7:29 AM, December 2nd (Sunday)]