SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Assuming you all live in the same house, do all three swabs at once, seal, then drive to the nearest post office and mail.

Technically speaking, your husband could do this on his own as well. The only samples truly needed are his and the child's to determine paternity.

Stated 3 years and he is just as depressed as the beginning. That is where I get "no movement" agreed if the dysfunction isn't addressed you will bring it with you. What I read in the original post is she is trying to heal too, he doesn't want IC or MC, this isn't working to address the dysfunction. So at what point do we the WS have the right to feel our feelings? When do our lives matter again. I have been repenting enduring for nearing 2 years. I cannot fix nor heal my bs, I cannot change the choice I made just as he cannot change what he had done to me for years. I am a forgiving person, he is not. Yes 2 willing partners is key. It is becoming more and more clear to me after this long there is only 1 person working on the M.

[t/j]

surviving28years,

As a BH struggling at ~18 months out I can tell you a couple of things.

1) I am struggling more now than I was immediately after d-day, and it is common for BS’s to say that year 2 is the hardest. If RSEB’s BH is more toward the 5 year end of the 2-5 year time frame it is very possible that at 3 years he is just getting to this very common low point.

2)

So at what point do we the WS have the right to feel our feelings? When do our lives matter again.

You always have a right to your feelings. Your life always matters. You can always make whatever choice you want. How much assistance you give your BH, and how much you are willing to put up with is entirely up to you.

[/t/j]

BS here... Nearly seven yrs out and feel more broken than ever. Not meaning to make you feel worse, but I am broken. Just realizing now how broken. This far in I have to believe irrevocably broken. Will never be "me" again.

Does my fWH deserve more? Or should he continue to reap the consequences of his choices? He took away the mom I could have been. He took away my innocence. My joy. It is gone. Probably forever.

Of course you still have choices. Atleast one wh here seems to think you deserve to be happy.

Just walk away.

regardless of what my fWH does, I will always hurt. If he chose to leave, I couldnt hurt more than I already do.

So if you still care more about your own happiness

Cant properly reply on my stupid unsmart phone.

If your happiness outweighs his, by all means, follow your bliss.

He is TERRIFIED of the paternity test!

TERRIFIED, TERRIFIED, TERRIFIED!!!

He has lost the marriage that he believed he had....and that box could be the end of his status as "father".

Surely you have the compassion to understand that about him.

If you have literally NO doubt that he is DAD...then FORCE the test all the while comforting him and assuring him it WILL BE OKAY.

When it comes back that he is indeed DAD then you give him a gift and that gift may well be the foundation on which he finds the peace and courage to stop crying/grieving and start living.

On the other hand...if it is a possibility that the child is NOT his...that is a whole different problem that is best uncovered and dealt with sooner than later.

t/j

As for when the WS is entitled to feeling feelings...

From many BSs point of view, it seems the WS has been entitled to anything they wanted to do. So the issue of entitlement of feelings is almost a moot point. The aggressive act of infidelity is every bit as damaging and altering to identity as rape. Some studies show infidelity can be MORE devastating than stranger rape. The problem is all about VIOLATED attachments.

If you are a WS that feels you are not getting enough attention, then you have basically two choices. Decide if you want the marriage and love your spouse or not.

If you want the marriage and love your spouse then your remorse and devotion to your spouse might understand that your BS is in NO condition to provide you a lot of support and growth experiences. Your BS has their hands FULL just trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered self-image and identity...and get moving forward again (WITHOUT EVEN WORRYING ABOUT YOU OR YOUR AFFAIR BEHAVIORS). Your BS is in survival mode of varying degrees on average 5 YEARS following initial discovery. If there was trickle truth and multiple discoveries during that 5 year period then with each new discovery...add another 5 years onto the "survival mode" behaviors. YOU the WS should find a very good therapist to help you and support you and your own issues related to the infidelity. One should never use the desolation of a BS identity as justification for abandonment because you are not getting your needs met. HOWEVER...you the WS matters very much in this world. You definitely have feelings of guilt, remorse, depression, anger, and anxiety and not one of which is HEALTHY. The BEST thing you can do for yourself as an individual and as a WS who wants his/her marriage is...GET A THERAPIST... If you are the WS and you are considering leaving your spouse bc they are "broken"/hurt by the betrayal...you should ask yourself if this is not the part of you that gave you "permission" to have the affair in the first place. And if that part of you gave the permission to cheat...how did it work out for you

Maybe you should ignore that little voice that screams "ME first"...and start working on developing grown up responses to intimate problems.

The second choice is...NO...I do not want my marriage. In that case STOP dragging your spouse around. The BS is hyperaware of their environment and searching for evidence that danger is still in their nest. When you SAY you love or you go through the ACTIONS of love...and they are not accompanied by the sincered emotional experience that YOU feel...the BS KNOWS IT. They may not put words to it...but they have a sensation that screams there is STILL danger...do not let your guard down...do not trust (AND THEY SELF-ISOLATE AND BECOME VERY CLINGY). How do you manage this NATURAL behavior/reaction of the BS? Go to her therapist and explain you are ready to end the marriage and that you will not be working on reconciliation. The therapist should not say anything at all to you about the status of your wife or her therapy; however, it will change significantly the course of therapy (if it is a good therapist). You may find it humane to stay and allow the therapist time to get your spouse strong again...but do NOT confuse the spouse by having sexual relations or speaking words of love.

So all that being said...You have some thinking to do.

If you want your marriage then get yourself a GOOD therapist...take the paternity test...and then live a life of COMPLETE honesty. Accept your husband's detective work and emotional distance as those of an animal that is experiencing a sense of danger. If you are living an honest life, you have genuine feelings of love, and you have a therapist to help you take care of yourself...HE WILL STOP CRYING, HE WILL STOP CHECKING UP ON YOU, AND HE WILL GROW WARM AGAIN.

With all due respect you did make the decision to have a dual life. It is a difficult difficult process to getting back on the right path once the duality of your nature has been exposed...but it CAN be done! It can be done and you can be a much happier person as a result. Positive things can come from acts of devastation but not without a lot of tears and hardwork. It will be worth it when you look back on all you have learned about yourself and your mate.

I think the test might help with his overall attitude. If he is questioning paternity even in the back of his mind, this will keep bothering him, keep him down.

At first, on discovering an affair, the reaction is usually to freak out about issues of genital proximity. After a while, it sinks in and you have to realize that your assumptions about you spouse, the things you just accepted as fact unquestioningly, are wrong. This becomes very depressing.

If you had a lot of faith in your spouse, the next step is losing faith in yourself, if you could be that wrong about something so important that seemed so obvious, then what else are you wrong about? For a while, the whole world and it's workings seems like an alien place because you can not trust your own judgements, your own assumptions. It becomes difficult to function.

Maybe after work I will write a lengthy post in general to elaborate on this because I think it might help a few people (but I have said that before and never gotten around to it, so we will see).

Anyway, short answer is that perhaps a paternity test will give him something certain that he can both believe, and know, and allow progress in a lot of other areas.

It also sounds like his choice in reading material is an attempt to desensitize himself to these matters.

Not everyone needs IC to work through issues. Some people are really not comfortable with the idea of having a stranger with unknown experience and values imposing their view of life and events. The real value of an IC is for people who get hung up or sidetracked being focussed on the issues.

He took away the mom I could have been. He took away my innocence. My joy. It is gone. Probably forever.

(((5years)))

Only if you gave him that power. Otherwise, no one has it.

Surviving28, there are a few very concerning things. Your husband is communicating with women and hiding things from you. That is not ok. You're not in reconciliation if this is going on.

Heal from your actions and keep that as your focus. Keep yourself safe from yourself and others that aren't healthy.

As far as when do WS's have a right to our feelings...always. We always do. That's not something someone needs to grant us. It's how we process and act on those feelings we need to work on. Not having them.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 10:33 AM, December 7th (Friday)]

Hey RESB. I have told you before my thoughts on what your husband needs (IC + meds), but I had to point out one thing you said. If someone already commented on this I apologize as I have had not read the other responses.

to go back there with a FICTION BOOK, doesn't seem to serve any purpose.

As a BH I read that to be analogous to "get over it." It also was dismissive of his feelings.

It may not be the intent behind it, but his reaction afterwards points to what he interpreted it to mean.

First things first. Talk about that specific incident. Tell him you realize how that may have sounded and apologize for it. Not qualifying statements, no buts or however. Wait for him to talk. Maybe he will open up to you.

There is enough hurt to go around ten times over. No need to add it to the pile.

it feels like he won't help himself.

There is a point at which an individual is not able to help himself. It sounds like your husband is there.

You can take the lead in getting him help--and may need to. Since he is resistant to a psychiatrist, how about an appointment with your family doctor? Most have more than adequate experience to diagnose and prescribe for depression. (If his depression is refractory, he might need to transition to a psychiatrist, but after making the first step with the family doc, this is usually easier.)

I understand you're frustrated---but the third year is really hard. For me, it's been the hardest in some respects. (There is something about the permanence of the situation that seems to hit when the shock and other stuff begins to wear off. I can only imagine how a serious depression would magnify this.)

Time doesn't heal. Doing the work heals.

You both have some to do. He needs HELP, first. When bogged in depression, everything seems impossible. Coping with infidelity is impossible. So lifting that depression can begin to make progress possible.

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:55 PM, December 8th (Saturday)]

Hey i just wanted to say i truly appreciate the responses. As far as the pat test...it is still sitting on his desk...but i think sum of u may b rite...that he is afraid of the outcome eventhough he has the questions flying around his head. I will ask him to complete it tomorrow nite because I know the outcome is in his favor and will put that part of his unrest at ease.

With the book he told me not to worry about it that it was stupid and not to read it...I have since read it and as I said it was indeed graphic in sexual nature...but I know those images are what my husband deals with in his mind on a daily basis..i guess he figured that maybe i was oblivious to him having those feelings since he doesnt verbalize those things to me very often. However I am hypersensitive to his actions and I have beem aware for the past three years. His actions plus the posts I have read here have made me aware and my guilt is horrible which leads to many tears.

minor t/j

you have a therapist to help you take care of yourself...

I want BBF to lean on the way I used to have him before I destroyed it with my actions but I try to squash that need down as expecting him to be able to do that would be ridiculous. Yet the need is still there just buried deep and sometimes t claws its way out and scratches at my insides until I'm bleeding from keeping it in...but I do, I have to.

My family is amazing, my therapist...i might need a new one, as I am sinking deeper into depression and as someone said I believe I will not be able to heal everything I've done without help...yet as much support as it is I feel lonely because it is not coming from BBF. The thing is having a therapist to support you is not what we need, we need our BS but we destroyed that and can no longer have the opportunity to have it until they are ready. So in the meantime we try to heal but bleed inside as well.

I hope I articulated that the right way.

t/j done

Honestly,

I needed every detail about the physical act as well. It really hurt, but my imagination was worse. It was hard for my wife to be honest, but in my mind she was doing things that didn't really happen. Her encounter was a ONS and it was very fun for her, til the next day.

What I would love to hear is everything that I am that he wasn't. About how she was so foolish and how she has no idea what she was thinking. About how she felt like she was hurting and needed me to support her while she was supporting me, and maybe together we will be stronger.

It sounds like your husband hasn't given up on you, but you need to build him up. Positive comments often, even if you think they aren't significant, or even if you don't truly mean them. (We always say you look great, never say wow your ass looks huge in that dress). Build him up so he feels like he is more. Right now, he feels like he is less.