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Whatdoido333, same thing happened to me. I had that feeling, found some evidence, confronted him, he admitted PA, said he was sorry right away, then continued contact.

I got an initial "I'm sorry" at true D-Day in September. I got a real, meaningful "I'm sorry that I ruined your life, our life" at about 3 months.

Said it, or meant it? He said "I'm sorry" immediately---he was profoundly sorry he got caught.

2 years, 7 months later, I got as close to an "I'm sorry" as I ever will. It wasn't a traditional "I'm sorry." It was more along the lines of explaining "what happened" (because, you know, it just happened---it wasn't a series of choices). He has decided to do a stand-up routine (I wish this were a joke) based on the hilarity of his life. (Narcissist? Um, yeah.) I managed not to react too much about the idiocy (and cruelty) of a discussing doing a comedy routine about the destruction he's caused (our daughter was present), but did ask what he planned on saying about me (because I do not want to be a part of any comedy routine). He said, "I don't plan on saying much about you. I plan on saying I'm not married any more" (he is, and to me-but whatever) "because I was a real asshole; I deserve what I got." (He did, however, have an "amusing" riff about how he is both the product of a mixed marriage and had one---I am not sure whether the psycho bitch referenced was me or his mother...)

He is not remorseful at all. He only sees consequences as they relate to him. And---well, it looks like he's hoping the consequences will lead to fame and fortune, or at least a few hook-ups after open mic night.

He's NOT sorry for anything other than how it impacts him directly. He was sorry he got caught, because it meant he had to work harder to keep his affair going. (That underground thing was tricky.) He was sorry he had to work hard to gaslight because, well---it was hard He was ultimately sorry he had to deal with OW, who was quite the bitch.

All his "sorries" are for himself. But I got, at least, "I'm an asshole, and am where I am because of that."

He still views my emotional response as punishment, rather than an expression of my genuine pain. He will NEVER "get it."

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:00 AM, December 27th (Thursday)]

Took WH 3 months to say it. Before that he liked telling me how not sorry he was and how he had every intention to do it again and the only regret he had was that he got found out. All fun things to hear. After 3 months he came out of the fog and was the man that I have known for 9 years and has apologized sincerely over and over and backed the words up with actions. It was a long wait but so worth it.

He still perceives my emotional response to his infidelities (and cruelty after d-day) as punishment, rather than...well, someone else's genuine pain. That, he will never get.

Exactly the same here, exactly.

I was told:

- "grow up and get over it",

- Asking about the A was greeted with "I'm not going to keep saying the same thing over and over, your are just trying to hurt and humiliate me".

- Also got "So, it's all about you, what about how I am feeling". She said this after she read about how BS feel after D-Day, and what they need to recover. Not a damn bit of it happened.

- "I can't live this way on a roller coaster"

- "You are being overly dramatic" (when I told her, her actions have destroyed certain parts of others lives)

Unfucking real, and the lack of understanding others pain targets DD, the other family, etc, with no end in sight of the selfishness, or lack of empathy.

[This message edited by Shockleader at 11:00 AM, December 27th (Thursday)]

I agree with trombone. My reaction is, "WTF IS WRONG WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE OUT THERE?!?"

Do we now live in a society where selfish and instant gratification is the way to go? Who cares about who is involved and who could get hurt? Whatever happened to taking responsibility for one's own actions? It seems that with most, it's entirely overrated, which is unfortunate, because that leaves those of us who know right from wrong and behave accordingly in the sh*thouse. SMH...

Never. And I doubt he ever will. But for my situation, R was never an option. He walked out, never to look back.

got my "i am sorry" right after i confronted him about the text i had just found on his phone. and a i am sorry my stupid mistake and actions have caused you so much pain...everyday since DD which granted was only a week ago. WH has been very transparent calling me from work...mainly do to his guilt! has agreed to both IC and MC as well as NC...........says he will do whatever it takes to earn my trust again..........we will see.....the road to R will be the hardest journey I will ever make.........but I am willing to try.

20+ years and I still haven't heard "I'm sorry".

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 3:26 PM, December 27th (Thursday)]

3 years and still waiting. She tells the few mutual friends that we still have that she cannot believe that I can't figure out that her infidelities were/are my fault.

EXWW has panted herself as a victim of a horrible marriage. We had a marriage people were envious of.

One time when we were discussing her affairs I asked her about the one she had with her drug dealer 9 years ago right after we had DD10. She said that one was "My bad".

WTF!!!!!

Whenever her A's come up her answer is the same every time.... "No one makes me feel worse than you make me feel. "

Narcissist much?

He said it as soon as I found out.

I am sorry he waited that would have hurt me too.

He never did and never has, to me or the children (now 18 and 21, then 15 and 18). He's said he's sorry he hurt us, never that he regrets starting his relationship with her. In some ways this was easier, because there never was a way back, no chance of 'R', he wasn't in a 'fog', he just fell in love with someone else and left.

When I confronted WH, he said he "didn't want to discuss it". Three days later he called me and our adult kids in and told them he "was sorry he hurt their mother".

Then he toured the province visiting all our relatives to tell them he was sorry he hurt someone they cared about.

He broke NC with MOW to apologize to her for NC. Twice.

8 months later I told him i was still waiting for MY apology - and he shook his head muttering, "unbelievable!". A week later he tossed an envelope on the table with a typed, formal statement: "I take responsibility for making poor choices that hurt you and I apologize" . The letter started with a warning not to "lose" this piece of paper. No emotion, just a "there, now you have it in writing and can't claim I never apologized" attitude.

And most importantly, none of his actions post D-day ever showed a lick of remorse or trying to make things right. Going through the motions. Making sure everyone knew how "hard he was trying" when he wasn't doing anything. Continuing to "wean" MOW. Playing the victim.

So did I ever get an apology? He says absolutely. I say no - none that mattered or meant anything. Hence - STBXwh

8 m

He will never say it because, in his mind, I became the enemy. I stood in the way of his "happiness"

This is why my XH will never apologize. He is living his dream and I am trying to ruin it for him. All his life he has wanted someone to "fawn" over him, and he has it. A woman who is on Vyvance (like adderall) and it has turned her into basically a hooker, doing anything he wants. I think she thinks his family has money, so she's prob waiting for that.

The closest I have been able to come to understanding this would be: If I won 2 cruises a month for life! That is where his mind is,,, he's in bliss.

I'll never see an apology bc he is too sick....

My wife had been sorry for years before I knew, but she didn't understand what she had done, why she had done it, and what lay underneath it all. She said it within minutes of the original confession.

Yet, as time passed, she tried to excuse it, really thought I had something to do with it, had all sorts of illusions as to why this happened, both with herself, me, our marriage, etc. She was sorry about a lot of things.

However, being sorry does not equal true remorse...being sorry actually means almost nothing.

However, being able and willing to say that to the spouse is important. It is important that we hear that, at some point, and realize that it is true at some level.

True remorse means something much more, she stopped lying about the affair quite suddenly, and stopped blaming me gradually, and today is sorry that it ever happened but understands with what happened in her life before she met me that it was inevitable, that it could have easily have been far worse.

What was not inevitable was the survival of our marriage and family. We survived so far.

I'm sorry, she's sorry, we are sorry, but looking back I don't remember her "sorrys", what I do remember is the onset of true remorse kicking in when she understood what she had done.

STBXH hasn't said sorry, just one more reason I filed for the big D. The other day we were arguing about some things and he wanted to know why I can't believe anything he says. I pointed out to him his lies and denial about the affair (I had enough evidence to take him to court but didn't) and how he has never had remorse. Even with the divorce now granted still no admission or apology, but hey it doesn't really matter anymore, the marriage is over. I am still amazed that the man I was with for 11 years and I thought I knew so well I really didn't know at all.

"I got 10 thousand sorrys and buckets of tears. It all meant nothing, because he just took the A underground. Words are empty."

I'm with Bravenewgirl, I've received thousands of sorrys from the get go, but it never made a difference. After almost 2 years of what I thought of as R, I found out it was all underground too. The second worst apology coming out of WH's mouth is "It was a mistake".

Once

About 6 years. At first it was "I'm sorry you feel that way."

I buried it until this year, and it finally couldn't be contained.

No wI am mourning over six years.

I got 10 thousand sorrys and buckets of tears. It all meant nothing, because he just took the A underground. Words are empty.

^^^This. In fact if I am having a really bad day his usual sorry is "I'm sorry YOU feel that way"

About five minutes. He knew he was wrong and was not just sorry he got caught but truly sorry.