SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can totally relate to you Mauimom. My H's spiral into insanity began with happy ending massages at these parlors, then progressed to his A with a young (20 yr old) hooker. My stomach churns when I allow myself to dwell in that headspace for too long. This was not the person I married and not the person I have loved since I was 19. There is no easy answer as to how you can get past it. I think it will always be there to some degree. The best you can do is to try to be in this moment. If he is doing everything you need in order to heal, then go with it, one day at a time. With time, and a lot of it I think, we will be able to trust again. But sadly it will never be the same. I've spent the last 18 months in IC, working hard to rebuild my shattered self esteem, due to his unbelievably selfish and wreckless behavior. Lean on us for support. You do not have to be alone.

Thank you boontje for your kind words.

Your advice to live in the moment ring true. I just spent my evening at a funeral of a woman who died suddenly. She was only a few years older than me. Life is too short to allow this to "dwell in my headspace". If this were my last year here on this earth, I wouldn't want it to be defined by this.

I am moving over from the just found out forum so that I stop getting email alerts. I can hide a little better here - I don't want my husband to see my posts if he happens upon my email. I will continue to post and I have been reading everything. Quick recap - husband went to Asian massage parlor - at least once that I know of - bank called me to verify the charge on a private bank account that he has. 4 years ago we were in counseling for lies and flirting - we stopped counseling too soon but have been pretty happy till this bomb. Husband denies everything and I am prone to denial as well. Below is a copy of my last post from the just found out forum.

I hear you all and I appreciate it so much. Im sitting in jury duty - yuck - and reading other forums. you are all the most amazing people on the planet. your empathy and integrity is amazing and should be required reading for everyone! whoever started this website has saved lives - and kept families together - and blessed so many lives - no question. 4 years ago I was going crazy about the lies and the possible emotional affair - which I suppose could have been physical - I'll never know. I had a good long conversation with myself where I openly decided that I would ignore all the lies and move on with love for my kiddos because I felt exhausted trying to track his every movement - a cheater can hide and my husband has the resources to hide better than most - then - eventually - I figured something would happen that would make it unable to ignore anymore - he would slip up and reveal something even without me tracking him - she would call me - whatever - and when that day came my kids would be older and better able to deal. I chose to stick my head in the sand with my eyes wide open because I felt it was unfair to go hunting for information that would destroy my kids family when they were so young. I didn't even think of getting the truth with the hope of rebuilding our marriage because I felt if I found out he had a physical affair I would never be ablr to get over it and we would have to divorce. He cut off all contact with OW - I think. This was not a comfortable place to be in for about 2 years - I just "put a bandaid on it and closed the door" - to quote someone on another forum - cant remember who said it but wow - perfect description! Then I got pregnant with out 3rd baby and my son and I almost died during the delivery and the pregnancy was like hell too - so that destracted me for about a year and a half - my H and I got closer and I finally let myself fall completely in love with him and trust him again. Then - just as I am totally comfortable again I see the massage parlor crap. My first thought was - damn the day of reckoning actually came and I was hoping it would be much later when my kids are older. But now I am right back to the place of ignoring again and if you had asked me 4 years ago if I would be able to stuff this event in the closet I would have said hell no - but once you start stuffing things in the closet it becomes a hard habit to break. I'm not sure if anything other than seeing the affair happen could shake me out of this denial place I am in right now - and it really surprises me that I am stuck in this place - that is so not me. Not sure what to do about it or how to get unstuck. But - I'm eating and sleeping and way better then before - that closet door is firmly closed right now - so weird. I will set up counseling because I know the door will fly open when I least expect it. But - I still do feel that the longer I can ignore - the older my kids will get - and the happier they will be. So I've heard the advise given the last few days on tracking him and think - why would I go hunting for info that will gut me? I used to be a sleuth with him 4 years ago and it was exhausting. I know you all know I am stuck - so thank you for being patient with me.

Sorry to bug people - just sending out a reply to see if it continues to go to my email.

Okay, stupid question here...are ALL massage places run by Asians skanky? A new place opened just down the street from me. Upper middle class suburbia, in the center of a strip mall next to the neighborhood barber, complete with adsvand coupons in the friendly little weekly paper.

I hate to stereotype... My nail place offers massage as well, I've never seen a male in there...

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[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:37 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

I saw one advertising a hot tub. Can you even imagine the nasty primordial soup cooking it that human crock pot? Ugh!

This post is about women whose husbands have gone to massage parlors needing support. If you want to discuss your feelings about this type of infidelity please start another post. It is hard enough to deal with this.

forgivingnow -

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