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LTA here and it has been Hell. Though I'm currently somewhat amused at my separated wh's current anger/resentment punishment of me over cancelling our Joint credit card a Few weeks go.

Hmmm let's see one credit card cancelled =2-3 weeks sulking.

Four year affair/ hundreds of sexual encounters/numerous birthday, family trips tainted/two false reconciliations/two jobs lost/1 year unemployment/5 children's lives upended= 2-5 years of recovery? I'd hate to think how long it would take him to recover given the credit card betrayal.

I would say it's just varying levels of evilness. A ONS would be a little easier to deal with than a 1 or 2 year A. Both would be traumatic, though....

So length matters, but it's only one part of this entire shit storm. Just different types of hell.

I like this answer.

My WH's A's never lasted long. The one with MOW was only 2 months, but they knew each other 5 months previously because they worked together.

IMO a lengthy A does matter because it gives the WS a chance to develop more of a relationship with the AP and that seriously would bother me.

I agree that there are different types of hell we have to go through All A's and individuals are different as our reactions are all different too.

I think a lot of things matter. Length is one, certainly. Other factors include things like if the A continued after the first D-Day, if there is one AP or multiple AP's, how the WS treated the BS during the course of the A (those BS's who feel that other than the betrayal they were treated well, or that they were still put 'first' during the A's seem to have a less difficult time than those who were verbally abused, denied intimacy and affection and subject to the 'mystery' anger that turns out to be A-related, but anyone who is in this situation can feel free to correct me on that). Another thing that seems to make a big difference is the gender of the BS.

Ultimately it doesn't really matter what is 'typical', I think. What matters in your situation is you and how you feel, and how long it takes you to recover. And it takes a WS who gets that it's not about how other people deal with the situation, or one who is looking for an excuse to tell you that you are the one being unreasonable because it's taking you longer than it did someone else. At least that's how I feel.

[This message edited by What2Thnk at 2:35 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]

Actually, I'm one of those lucky individuals that has gotten to experience each form of the A's and no it doesn't matter. They are all painful. My WH's first LTA was simply a F buddy. The second LTA was more intense. The first EA was just as devastating to me as the first PA which was a STA and was intense as well.

The types don't matter. Porn versus real don't matter. Length doesn't matter. It's all a betrayal of trust and broken vows or in cases of boyfriend/girlfriend an understood commitment.

Now I have wonder if the more complicated the situation is or if there is major TT and false R if that increase the length of the healing timeline.

how the WS treated the BS during the course of the A (those BS's who feel that other than the betrayal they were treated well, or that they were still put 'first' during the A's seem to have a less difficult time than those who were verbally abused, denied intimacy and affection and subject to the 'mystery' anger that turns out to be A-related, but anyone who is in this situation can feel free to correct me on that).

Whattothink...While I'm grateful to not have been verbally abused, denied intimacy and affection (and to not have to recover from that as well as the betrayals), I have nothing to look back at to say "ohhhh, there was a red flag...next time I'll know when he starts acting like that." Instead I just think "Wow, what an accomplished and convincing liar and devious sneak I am married to." He had me and everyone who knew him fooled by his facade.

To add to what cheerless said, I've actually seen just here on SI that those whose spouses didn't act differently during the affair seem to struggle longer with trust and authenticity.

There isn't a clear difference between how their spouse was during the affair and just how their spouse is in general.

Myself for instance, my wife practically turned into a different woman during the time of her wayward behaviour. I saw her fall terribly and change for the worst. Thus now I've seen her change from not just that but also how she was prior.

It fucking sucks how she treated me during those months but I can easily and clearly see how she was different then. I don't have to wonder in the back of my head if she's being honest and trustworthy, at least to the level others have to deal with it.

All in all I'm actually grateful for that.

ETA: It also made it more apparent and easily identifiable that something was very terribly wrong when she did do the things she did.

Sure, we have to work on the pain and hurt she inflicted during that time, but still her acting out of sorts made it obvious what was going on.

[This message edited by VD2012 at 4:40 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]