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It's been discussed here as an aside in various posts that I've seen, but what's your opinion? Would you say that in general, the length of the A correlates to the length of recovery/reconciliation, assuming the WS is remorseful and the "rules" of R are followed?

I ask because it appears that WH's A was much shorter than most here, 7 weeks (one week PA). While it was intense, lots of I love you's exchanged, tons of deceit, etc. when I see people struggling in year 3 I can't help but think or hope that it won't be as difficult for me. But I'm also having a good couple of days so perhaps it'll all change by this afternoon!

I dont know if it does, I think its horrible and damaging no matter how long...just in the fact that it happened.

My Wh's A was short as well...7-8 weeks. It still hurts that it even happened.

I would think it has to matter. My WS's affairs and affair attempts lasted only a couple of months. I can't imagine how devastating it must feel to know that I was being deceived for years.

In my personal case, I would say, yes. My situation is a little different- the deceit went on over many years, with different players and different methods. On again, off again GFE for over 3 years... years of flirting around... several years on dating and hookup sites- out of "curiosity"... phone calls and inappropriate "friendships...

What this has done to me is invalidated special and significant events through the years. Once in a lifetime vacations lost their value when I found evidence that he called an AP as soon as he returned home. During sad events, he was trolling online. For several years, he used the excuse of late meetings so he could drop in and see his stripper gf's, so my heart skips a beat when his new job has late-running meetings. For all those years, he often did not answer his cell at home, making excuses of who was calling, but I later found out who was really calling.

He's the perfect husband now, but even years after the first dday, the fallout sneaks up unexpectedly. I figure, if he was able to play around for years, and I never even suspected it, I am still on edge when anything out of the norm comes up.

I often think if it had been a one time thing, or just one type of betrayal, or a short fling, that I would have been able to recover quicker. But IMO, I believe MANY things matter in getting to R, and length of the affair matters A LOT.

[This message edited by triskele at 8:21 AM, March 14th (Thursday)]

Every situation is different. It seems like a ONS would be easier to get past than a 10 year A.

On the other hand, cheatin is cheatin....

Sometimes it is a deal-breaker period.

Its all bad. There is no getting around that.

From my view a LTA is more damaging than a ONS tho. Because of the strong emotional tie that happens over time. The LTA becomes a relationship. And once it ends it gets filed away with memories of old boy or girl friends. And can take on a pleasant aura of happy memories from the past.

WW had a LTA. Many years of EA. And more than 3 years of PA. OM and WW were in love. It was a relationship. There was that emotional bond and as strange as it sounds a kind of commitment to each other.

Another thing about a LTA that makes it hard to get thru is that so many memories I have of our M that were during the time of the LTA are polluted. Beach trips. Vacations. Birthdays. Events with our kids. All these things that seemed so good at the time now have the shadow of the LTA on them. Those good times were false because WW was in love with OM at the time. Everything about those times were a lie. And that ruins those memories for me.

Just my opinion.

No matter the length of the affair, the fact that the one you trusted fully has cheated, hurts like hell.

With that said, I think the length of the A does affect healing because a part of healing is getting answers about the events of the A and processing them.

When you have 7 years of answers to get vs. one night or 2 months, it would take much longer to get the answers you need to heal. It takes much longer to put the pieces together.

Also, there are so many more lies. So many more memories and holidays that would be tainted with an LTA.

My H had a 3 month A. We are in a good place right now at 14 months out. I think that has to do with the length of the A and the fact that I didn't get TT'd to death. I got my answers when I wanted them and I think that has really helped me in my healing.

Like I said earlier, it all sucks. Pain is pain and all of us BS have been hurt.

Yes, I think it does, but that is just a personal opinion.

XWH#1 had a few drunken ONS's over our 20+yrs together. Although it hurt, I was usually able to put it behind us and move on in the relationship. It did however eventually kill our marriage in the end, because I quit loving him because of all the hurt.

WH#2 had a 3yr affair with an old GF. I can't just get over it this time. It has torn my world apart and has made me physically sick. Maybe because it was an EA/PA whereas drunken ONS's were just sex without an emotional bond. It was not the same for me as WH#2 intentionally lied and decieved me for 3yrs. I think the length of the A has a lot to do with the time it takes to R or even if you can R.

I am sure that SI members who have endured ONS's, on line cheating, and prostitutes have a different take. I really think it has to do with what each person is willing to take and an individual choice if they are willing to risk R with a remorseful WS.

I think it matters.

My WS affair went on for about 8 weeks. He was at breaking point by the time it came out, he just couldn't cope with what he was doing. So that makes it easier to see that it was (hopefully) a one time thing that happened because of the general mess he had let himself become. Easier to sympathise with him. Easier to understand.

And less time was taken from me, time that was bad for us anyway, as a posed to years of happy memories.

Still hurts like hell. It's still a terrible betrayal, but long term I don't feel it can be compared to years of lies and deceit.

[This message edited by Please1983 at 9:16 AM, March 14th (Thursday)]

It does to me - just my opinion. My wife's LTA meant that there isn't a season, holiday, or occasion that was spared. It also meant that she made more memories with her AP than she did me during that time. And the real kicker is she only quit because I caught her, if I hadn't I have no idea how long her A would have kept going, or how many other men she might have gotten involved with. I can look back over the years and it just floors me looking back, realizing special moments, then becoming aware that she was betraying me that whole time. It's been around 4 months since the last TT has come out, so we are about that far into R. Given no more setbacks, we still have more than a year to go before we've been in R as long as she was in her relationship with the OM, not to mention that her OM was just her primary betrayal, she was still active on AM chatting and sexting with who knows how many other men during her affair. It all sucks, this is just the suck I have to deal with.

My H had a few brief A's and one that lasted close to 7 years. The repercussions of the LTA make the others seem trivial.

Triskele, we're currently dealing with this in MC. Much as I wish it never happened to you, it is comforting to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way:

Once in a lifetime vacations lost their value when I found evidence that he called an AP as soon as he returned home.

Sadly, LTA's become more than just sex. It may not always be "lurrve", but, at the minimum, it is a friendship.

Like so many others, my H thought that he kept "that life" separate from our life. Via counseling, he's seeing that he disconnected from his family. He knows he cheated me out of a lot of years, and is remoreseful. Still, it hurts knowing that I can never get that time back.

Yes I think it does, like a previous poster my H was on the verge of a breakdown when the A was finally revealed, after just a few weeks, he couldn't cope with the lying and the betrayal. This is one of the reasons I decided to R, the fact that he found it so very difficult to lie. I personally dont think I could have coped with him deceiving me and the children for years with seeming ease.

During the summer I have dates that hurt, but the rest of he year is clear, he wasn't with her any major holidays or birthdays.

It still takes a lot of healing, we are 2.5 years out but knowing that he struggled with deception and couldn't carry on does help.

That's one thing I wish I could say, that he broke down and revealed. But in reality it was 7 weeks because I caught them after 7 weeks. And it was so intense that OW was trying to set up an appointment for WH to see a divorce attorney. After seven effing weeks - and 17 years of marriage. Today marks 7 weeks since d-day. Lucky number 7 eh?

Betrayal is like a stab wound. The first one can kill you as easily as the 20th, but each subsequent stab is a different wound and has to be dealt with to heal.

My WH had a 7+ yr EA/PA. That's well over 2500 days that they were available to each other to bitch about their marriages, share stories, music, TV shows, secrets, and each other's bodies, when the opportunity arose.. As my MC said last night, he was not making a conscious choice to be in our marriage for the entire length of his affair. What he was doing is making a conscious choice to nurture his relationship with MCOW.

That's a lot of tainted memories.

Every detail matters, and could make a difference to an individual on "how long it takes to recover." We all have our own priorities and ideas of what we can forgive, or not.

For me, these details (such as the length of the A) are more about making a decision to R, or D, rather than anticipating how long it would take to R. Of course even the definition of LTA is subjective, but for me, I would say more than a year is a LTA. I don't believe I would ever consider attempting to R with someone who had a LTA for more than a year.

I would be inclined to agree with the concensus of opinion here, in that affairs of substantial duration,i.e., more than perhaps a year, have a significantly longer 'history' from which to recover, making the involvment, deceit and lies considerably more affective. It constitutes the wayward living a double life for a seriously extensive period of time, and time allows for the development of the A in that it gives it life physically and emotionally as well as each party honing the skills needed for illicit behaviour and the protection of it.

I think it matters,in that if the affair went on for a long time,there are certain dates,etc that are now difficult. But as for the pain being different? For me,I don't think so. My WH probably spent,in total,less than 1 hour with both OM. But he was trolling craigslist for at least 6 months. He spent hours at work during that time trolling CL and emailing and texting men and women from CL.

If I can believe I have the entire truth..he was with OM for less than an hour.

That hour has destroyed me. Absolutely destroyed me.

IMO not only length but emotional investment matters.

In my case, I was my husband's Only until 2006. He decided he wanted to know what sex would be like with someone other than me. Instead of talking to me about it, he trolled a particular internet forum - that I knew about - until he found someone local who filled his head with "You can have sex outside your marriage and still love your wife. Sex is just sex". He tried to hook up with her. They kissed, performed oral, and after 2 strokes, his equipment failed. Guilty conscience!! He never went back to try again. I found out 4 months later. Kicked him out for 1 night and then we worked things out. I let it go and moved on.

This time, he had a long distance EA with a coworker for 3 months before I knew and we separated. At that point, he had never touched her but he had told her "ILY". Their EA went for 3 more months before they finally got the chance to have sex - on a company-paid business trip to her city. He was there from Sunday to Friday. That was the only time they had sex. The EA continued for 2 more months before he realized their "relationship" was not going to work. So all total, the long distance EA was 8 months while the sex was only 4 days.

As I've told him several times, the first time he gave away our physical connection. But the second time, he gave away his heart...That hurt so much more than just sex.

My husband had an ephiphany while we were separated and realizes now what he had the whole time. He is the perfect husband. Right now, I can say that I don't think infidelity will touch our relationship again in the future. BUT, you can never be certain...

Adultry hurts no matter what. I do agree that the emotional involvement is a huge contributing factor too.

My H met his AP on a business trip. ONS. Then later in the month he was traveling to her city and the ONS turned into a fullblown LURVE fest. EA/PA. About 4 months later I got ILYBNILWY. 2 weeks later I found out about the A. MrKOKO and I separated when he told me he loved her. His AP lives out of state so he left me after having only spent 13 actual physical days with his TicK. Even he admits that was crazy. He continued his A until May of last year. So it lasted about 1 1/2 yrs. We began the process of R 2 mths later. He moved back home beginning of last month.

During the length of the A, before DDay, we shared many milestone birthdays and celebrations. We took several trips and a "once in a lifetime" trip. All those trips he would be in contact with his TicK. Even though we were separated all the other days of the year have some kind of tainted memory to them because of the A.

I appreciate this thread because I am really struggling. It is the emotional involvement that is hurting so much. He LEFT me for her. Tossed me like garbage to the side for his shiny new toy. I know everyone says time but I am beginning to doubt if TRUE R is possible for me. Am I really going to be able to R with a man that could do that to me? I still hurt every day.

[This message edited by keeponkeepingon at 12:42 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]

I hope not, however it probably does.

fWW and I have been together for 21 years. M for 16+, A about 15ish years. Only ended when they got caught - of course I now see proof scattered all over the place!

That's a shit load of memories to rewrite! Oldest kid is only 13, so all memories of events with them are now ruined as many others are as well.

NOTE it seems that a 3-4 year A can be termed LTA, I am calling fWW's a super LTA.

Another problem with one that long is I will never get a time line, really understand what was going on with our M at the time. Hell I can't remember where our M was at the time. We did drift apart, however I did not realize she quit on the M sooo early:(

However length is just one variable to this crap. The fact that OM was what I thought to be a "friend of the M", His family and ours hung out from time to time. That's another negative variable.

While length matters (ha, funny just writing that), wFF has done everything post D day to make amends. Some have told me they don't think they could have dealt with a 15 year LTA, However many of you BS's are dealing with WW's that are still in the A, or trying to hide it. I can only imagine how hard that is to deal with. Other's have WW that have left! My heart bleeds for anyone dealing with that.

So length matters, but it's only one part of this entire shit storm. Just different types of hell.

[This message edited by Bikingguy at 1:52 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]