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I originally thought I don't want to discuss the details b/c I was trying to protect him. But here it goes...

Example 1

Sunday I was on my way to his house. I was going to help him clean up his kitchen and vacuum ect. He is very clean but I thought his house could use some female touch. So I texted him "I will be there in 5 min" however. As I got into my car (we live a mile away from each other) I realized that I needed to stop and put gas. So it took me an additional 10 min. I was there 10 min late. As I drove into his driveway, he was pissed! He was mad that I was 10 min later than what I had said on my text. 10 min! I was on my way to help HIM!

Example 2

I was at dinner with my kids (same Sunday eve) He texts me b/c he is upset that I did not invite him along!

Example 3

You ready for this one?

This is the one that I am STILL very hurt over...

It is the truth but it still hurt very very badly.

He compared me to his ex wife. He said "my ex wife is a millionairess b/c of me, you however live in poverty."

OMG!

I was crushed. No, I do NOT live on any public assistance, I always work 2 jobs. Now I am working 3 jobs again. (One is full time and the other two are part time jobs). I do this b/c I have kids and my ex h doesn't pay much of anything in CS. So in essence it is true. I don't make much money but I live in a nice house and my kids have enough. I try to live within my means. His ex w never worked a day in her life. Now he is comparing me to her and how I live in poverty? This really really hurt and I am ashamed to even put it in writing here...

But I had to put it out there. I had to get it off my chest. I was/am crushed when he said that. Is it true? Hmm..not sure. I do have to work...very hard. I am short on money but I pay my bills and I am not looking for a handout. So why would someone say that?

This statement is what I am not sure I can get over. Plus he is constatly saying that I don't do enough for him. That he does so much for me. But when I counter and talk about how much we do for each other, it is never enough. EVER.

Your thoughts?

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 3:28 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

He was manipulative in the past; he's still being manipulative. He treats you poorly. This is NOT something to get over; this is a deal breaker. You don't need us to tell you this.

I would not stay with a man who treated me so abusively.

And that is what this is. Controlling, obsessive abuse.

ETA: He's the same leopard, Exit. His spots have not changed.

[This message edited by ajsmom at 12:27 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

My thought is he sounds like a jerk.

I also think you have been through enough with your XH and you deserve to be with someone who treats you much better than this.

My thoughts are that this is the same thing he's been doing since the beginning of your relationship and nothing has changed. If you are waiting for him to, then you'll be waiting forever.

Why do you stay with him? You really need to look deep down inside and figure out what it is that keeps you in this relationship. This is not a healthy situation for you or your kids, yet you are determined to stay with him. Why?

I just read the above post but what you wrote he said is very wrong.

The first example my immediate thought b/c I give people the benefit of the doubt is that he was going to surprise you with a gift to something that you needed to be there on time even still he shouldn't have gotten upset. My second thought was maybe to act like that he has an issue with people running late or it is a trigger of his with his ex- neither of which is YOUR problem. Did you all discuss it?

As far as the rest of the examples and the overall feeling you can't do enough my guess is with him you can't.

He sounds like he isn't flexible and his comparison which we may all do in our minds a bit is one thing but to say it to you and how he said it is completely wrong.

That all being said- what bothers me is that he actually thought to say it to you and went one step further and said it.

If you let this continue it will just get worse.

If he doesn't appreciate you for who you are however you live or don't live and you are a happy person then I would seriously move on.

There are a lot better people out there male and female.

...that he has an issue with people running late

His own family member run late...we are talking 4-5 hrs late! He doesn't have the guts to confront them about it. But I run 10 min late for coming to do HIM a favor and he acts like that? WTF?

Everytime I separate myself from him, he finds a way back into my life...

Not sure why or how.

ETA

I don't consider him my BF anymore. I call him my BFF and that is about it. I don't like what he has become. He used to be much nicer but he progressively got worse!

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 12:38 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

Everytime I separate myself from him, he finds a way back into my life...

Not sure why or how.

Because you're not staying firm on boundaries. If you tell him you are done, it's on you to make it stick.

EW, you are receiving a lot of good advice, and you know how wrong this treatment is based on your post.

I think the old adage, he's telling you who he is, believe him, applies here. But I know it's hard.

((Hugs))

If I was working three jobs and had primary caregiving responsibilities for my kids, it would be a cold day in hell before I helped a single guy clean his house.

Just sayin'...

Your thoughts?

I think at best, he's manipulative and you'd be better off single.

I know it's hard to pull the plug. And I know it's hard to maintain NC, especially when you're getting leaned on (which he would do for a bit, no question... people like this don't give up without some squawking).

But I can pretty well guarantee you wouldn't regret leaving him for one minute. I know I sure didn't. Not even once.

We're all so nice here. The worst anyone is saying is that this guy is a jerk & is manipulative. So I'll say: he sounds like a fucking entitled dick.

Um yeah. Put him your rearview mirror. It's only going to get worse.

If that is the case and by the way I am traditionally late but working on it and no one has ever gotten upset with me then I think he is unleashing on you b/c you are an easy target. That is not a good relationship.

As far as him working his way back in unless you have children I would go NC with him. I wouldn't even give him a second look by how he is treating you.

I apologize if that is harsh and I am sorry if your relationship ends but in this case you would rather be alone with some good female and male friends than with this guy who is taking out his feelings on you b/c he can. The longer you stay the longer it will continue and he will try b/c he knows there is no one who would put up with his behavior.

You seem like a good person love yourself more than to put up with a person like this even as a friend I would probably NC.

I don't consider him my BF anymore. I call him my BFF and that is about it

Your actions show otherwise.

He does what he does and he says what he says because he knows he can get away with it. You have given him no consequences, nor have you stuck to any boundaries. This all stops when you finally say it does hun.

Remember....you deserve better!

[This message edited by lieshurt at 12:59 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

I don't consider him my BF anymore. I call him my BFF and that is about it.

In 17 years, my BFF has never once treated me like this.

He's no BFF of yours. Really.

I know it's going to sound like I'm piling on here (and I don't mean to). But...

Example 1 is much, MUCH more worrisome in my mind than any of the others you've talked about. If he throws a hissy fit over being 10 minutes late... who knows what'll be in store for the next time? Is it going to escalate to the point where he has to know every second of every minute of every hour what/where/who/etc. you're seeing, doing, thinking?

This is controlling behavior to the nth power. And it's the beginning of abuse.

I wouldn't let any man (or anyone, for that matter) dictate to me about being 10 minutes late ANYWHERE. Life happens, shit happens - traffic, accidents, road closures, if I want to stop for a damn coffee - that's MY business. And no one's going to be yelling at ME because I'm late somewhere, never mind the person that supposedly "loves" me.

Good luck, EW... I think you know in your heart what to do. (((hugs)))

((((EW)))) I know how difficult it can be to make that final sever of a relationship.

I think you are so sad because you KNOW that this is an unhealthy relationship, you will never measure up to someone who compares you to his ex and who does not appreciate you.

My question for you is... what are you getting out of this relationship?

Why have you not called it quits before now?

I think if you can get to the root of this then you will be able to break it off definitely with him and move on cleanly.

I'm a guy and if some dude said crap like that to a woman I'd want to punch him in the face...

This guy's a dick... Repeat it to yourself... This guy's a dick....

Betcha he wouldn't say anything like that to some dude who he knew could and would knock him senseless...

This guy's a dick...

WB

EW, the simple truth is that you deserve better.

EW,

What advice would you give your best friend if she came to you with your story?

It is so hard to be objective when you are neck deep in the crap someone spills all over you. Some people view boundaries as a challenge... those are the people that we need to be very aware of and reinforce our boundaries with concrete.

Hugs, It is hard to change the status quo...

Sending you more hugs and strength to navigate your way thru this.

K