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I kind of came to the conclusion that all they were doing was masking what I had to get through emotionally.

I think the reason why a lot of people here want me to take AD's is because they are afraid of what I will do to myself. I've made two very serious suicide attempts and several half hearted ones in the past. My cutting is very dangerous and could be considered suicidal by some. It's not but I could see how someone could mistaken it for that. I push myself to the point of nearly passing out almost every time and have at times actually passed out. If I were to cut again even once I'm afraid of how bad it would be.

So "masking the emotions" for a period of time may not be a bad thing for me in the short term. It may be what I need to get me over the hump and further down the road of recovery.

I know I just made a good case for myself to take AD's but I still don't want to take them. And I am trying to figure out why exactly.

MyName, depression has a chemical component, as well as a situational component.

If you had diabetes would you refuse to take insulin?

If you had high blood pressure or heart disease or even an ear infection or pnemonia, would you forgo meds?

Probably not (at least I hope).

Depression has a stigma. Some people, who have not experienced depression thing that we should be able to suck it up, pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. But when your body doesn't have the proper chemical make up, IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE TO DO ON OUR OWN.

The right med will not MASK one darn thing. I promise every issue will still be there. What the right med can do is lift a little of that fog, that feeling of being smothered with a wet wool blanket. It can help with the catastrophizing - the getting a headache and in your head going straight to assuming you have a tumor and you are going to die. Does that make sense?

There are TONS of options out there, and many of the newer meds for anxiety and depression have far fewer side effects than in the past.

You won't be failing yourself, or letting anyone/yourself down by taking meds. Worst case - guess what - you stop taking them!

((hugs))

My cutting is very dangerous and could be considered suicidal by some. It's not but I could see how someone could mistaken it for that.

I really don't get the feeling that it's suicidal, Myname, but it could still end up being that very thing... things might accidentally go too far one day, you know?

Meds wouldn't necessarily have to be forever... just long enough to get through the worst part.

I don't think it would be an admission of failure; it would be a sign of strength to ask for the help you need.

myname - i was SUPER resistant to ADs when i started taking them for a serious situational depression (not unlike what you describe.) i thought ADs were for the "medicated masses." i thought i could get through it by force of will and strength. we don't take head pills or see shrinks in my family - we are TOUGHER that THAT! ahem (especially with a half-empty liquor bottle hidden nearby so many of my siblings). i thought ADs would mask my emotions, numb things, maybe make me feel flat or unnaturally content. they were not for me. medicines in general were not for me, especially messing with my brain.

then the really trusted, non-pill-oriented IC i'd started seeing asked me to be her exception, to make an exception, to talk to my doctor and just give one a try. i was in a desperate place, so i relented. i researched the crap out of all them and selected the one that scared me the least.

the first two weeks were hard, as i ramped up. you can ask the doc to give you me some xanax to take the edge off. that's what i've done since then when i've been off (like for pregnancy) and gone back on. back then though, i white knuckled it. most people online stopped complaining after two weeks. i vowed to give that long. i was just about to quit taking them and then boom, day 15 and everything settle down and just started to flow. much to my surprise, i suddenly felt like "myself." for the first time in a decade. i though "myself" was brooding and a little tortured under the joy i tried to find in things. i thought those things were "me." the deep depression i was in, and the path out of it showed me that i'd had other depressive episodes...just more subtle and hidden...going back to puberty. i had no idea i could spend this much time feeling like my most alive, conscientious, thoughtful and clear-headed me.

they won't mask anything, trust me...they will make you strong enough to look at things. they will relieve the pressure and doom that makes you cut. they will make you strong enough to take those first steps that you swear you will and never do. it can give you the chemicals you need to lessen your fear of the outside world, your fear of opening up to heal. it can give you the spark that makes you move from the couch to that walk outside you keep saying you'll take to make yourself feel better but never do. you will find hope that is now absolutely smothered by chemical imbalances coursing around in your body and brain. it's not what you think. i thought it too.