SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((very hurt))))

(((rumor))))

I've done two journal entries so far. I didn't think I would want to journal, but moments come when I am inspired. I wrote this morning and wanted to share some with you all -

"I told you months ago, I won't compete. If you need time and space to be alone, to talk with family and friends, it's okay. If your time and space is to be spent with another woman, deciding who you want but giving me no chance to be heart to heart with you, I will simply bow out. Not because I do not love you, or want our life, but because I thought you had already chosen me long ago. And I will not spend my life competing with other women."

Sorry that you had to join our fun little club.

Welcome you will find many wonderful folks here.

I want to make a few points here.

1. He chose this, there is something in him that is broken, and you cannot fix it. He has made a very bad decision obviously. This isn't about sex, this isn't about money, this is about this OW making him feel wonderful however she does it either with compliment, doting, or being a mom to him. It sounds like at the tail end of this post you are starting to find your inner strength. Embrace it. It will help you tremendously.

2. Tell your parents, as a parent you know that you would do anything in the world to help and protect them. This instinct does not go away because you are a grown up. Let them help and support you through this.

3. You live in the one of the best states in the nation to get "financial aid" for an attorney. Being a single mom that has been abandoned, and is so broke she has to live with mom and dad. I am betting there is an attorney waiting for you. Get on line and google for your zip code attorneys low income divorce.

He at the very least needs to held accountable for the child he helped to create, and I am urging you to demand that he spend time with your son. WITHOUT his new woman. Your son will be confused, with age difference, he may want to call her grandma.

You will get through this, and will come out on the other side a much stronger woman for it. With or without him. You will.

((((and strength))))

Thank you so much for the support, tushnurse. You give a lot of good advice.

1. He is broken. I knew that years ago. I was there the night he found out his father, who hadn't been around much and he was just getting to know, had commited suicide by cop. That had a profound effect on him, obviously. He was only 18.

2. Since I'm not sure if we will R or not, I don't want to say something to my parents because they may not support it.

3. To his credit, he has always been good about paying CS. He uses checks so there's a paper trail. He goes through the courts for his daughter's CS and we have wanted to avoid getting the courts involved. As long as he continues to pay, I see no reason to get a court order. Custody is another issue, however he has never had him on his own except watching him at my place a few times. His place is too messy and unsafe for him to stay there, and he has never asked. I will look up lawyers and try to get some advice next week.

Thank you again for the support and advice coming here keeps my mind from going to a bad place.

He changed his Facebook status to say that he and this woman are engaged.

Just a week ago he was in my bed.

I am trying to be calm. I recognize that his behavior is not healthy or balanced or sane. I don't know why this is happening. But I know that Iwill go on. I will have a beautiful life. I am taking care of myself, and that can only take me to good places.

Someone please say something

(((HUGE HUGS))) sweetie. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I know that it doesn't help the pain you are in now, but it won't always hurt this bad. Keep taking care of yourself and that sweet boy of yours.

I'm not an expert but this is all I've got to say. They seem to have fallen in love so fast, they'll fall out of love just as fast. Give it time, you'll have a reason to smile soon.

Apparently... I mean they're "together" but apparently the engaged thing was a JOKE. Just to be funny. Funny! It wasn't. It was cruel.

I have a beautiful life ahead of me. I do.

He on the other hand won't seek help and must live with himself forever. I don't think it'll be good company.

I told my parents... or rather, I had a breakdown in front of them and had to.

I just have to keep telling myself... it wasn't me. I wasn't bad. (I keep needing to ask friends/family to be sure.) I did not deserve this. I love myself and will take care of myself. Tonight i finally ate dinner.

Please unfriend him from all social networking sites. He's doing all these things to hurt you. I have a little peace since I unfriended my ex-fiance from facebook. Unless we are together or working on reconciliation I don't need to know what he's doing with his life.

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 8:38 AM, April 14th (Sunday)]

Rumor, please block him on FB. You don’t need this. Blocking will help you to detach. If necessary, take yourself off FB for now – you can always reactivate at a later date. This is the time to be kind to yourself and to do all those things you would advise a close friend to do. He is choosing to heap further hurt on you and you mustn’t allow him to.

Have you seen an attorney yet? Is there anywhere you can go for free advice so that you at least know how the land lies. Yes, he’s paying CS now, but don’t expect it to last – very often it doesn’t and it will become a tool of manipulation, so make sure you can survive should he decide to stop paying.

I’m glad you have confided in your parents. I hope they are giving you much needed support.

I’m not too keen on your table leader (not sure what that is) at church who

told me that Satan is on a mission in the world to break up families.

Sounds like a hook to hang the “reason” on. It’s not a helpful thing to say and your XSO made those choices all by himself – Satan had nothing to do with it.

Keep going. It will get easier.

Oh yes, I blocked him after he posted a link to an article on emotional abuse and said "a lot of this sounds familiar." I have to keep telling myself it wasn't me. I wasn't abusive. That he/she is deluding his thoughts.

I keep feeling like if only I hadnt let it get to me, the knowledge that he was cheating, let it make me resentful, insecure, and defensive, I could have pulled him back from it. That he might not have left.

My parents are being really understanding.

I think what the woman at churvh was saying was that he made his own choice and that if he had a better relationship w God he would not have strayed. She wasnt giving him a pass or absolving him of blame at all.

I just wish I knew why he was so cold and hurtful. I don't know what he gains by posting those things. At least now I won't see them.

I have a question. OW is not divorced yet, they are separated. Her daughter who is 13 lives with her.

Do I out the OW to her STBXH?

Heck yeah you out her. It might have bearing on custody if she's shacking up. Unfortunately, it's my understanding that in CA it won't change the D settlement, but maybe custody. This might give him insight as to why his M is ending.

I'm surprised he doesn't know with all the FB shenanigans.

I'm glad you blocked him. He's being downright cruel. Seriously, see a lawyer even if he's been good in the past. There have been a couple of members here who have had their kids kidnapped by the noncustodial parent. One had a legal agreement and was able to get his kids back ASAP- though it was still a fight. The other didn't have an agreement. The father had been good up until then too. The cops said she had to let him keep her son and dictate what visitation would be until something legal was declared. It was a long fight.

The Fb stuff has been done under pseudonyms.we're part of an online community and many people in it communicate via facebook under a made up name. So its only been on there. On his real facebook account and hers they aren't even friends.

I'm afraid of backlash if I out her. And I wouldn't know what to say. I don't know this man. They'd call me a stalker and crazy.

My mom is going to help me with legal stuff.

It's so hard to keep reminding myself it wasn't me, there was nothing I could have done...

He texted me this morning. I hope I handled it right. We have had NC since the park on Saturday when he wanted to see our son.

Him: You blocked me on fb?

I never wanted to hurt you. And I feel horrible for how I made you feel. I still care about you. But I wasn't happy and didn't feel good about myself when I was with you. Seeing you the other day mafe me miss you a little bit. I think it would be good if you worked kn yourself like you had suggested with counseling.

At the park the other day when we were talking, I was tempted to take you back and work on things, but I couldn't do it. I hated seeing you like that. But I have to focus on me right now and make sure I am happy and emotionally healthy.

Me: I am taking care of myself. I don't think we need to talk unless it has to do with *****. (Our 2 yr old son)

Him: I dont want to be alienated.

Me: You won't be. If you want to see him just let me know.

Him: Well I still want to see you too.

Me: I need space right now too.

Him: I know. I hope you understand why I left.

I left it at that, didn't respond. I was really trying to avoid getting into things with him and maintaining my boundaries. He is so full of bs. How'd I do??

Bumping this for feedback.

You did awesome.

Remember you are nobody's 2nd choice or fall back plan. His email was all about making himself happy, but he doesn't want you to move on with you life while he is playing.

If he wants her, he can't have you. NC him, make him work for your attention. Show him what his life will be like without you in it. If he doesn't come back, well you are at least further down the road to recovery for yourself.

Focus on yourself and your little one. I know it drives you crazy wondering what he is doing, but try to curb that. You and your child only.