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The way I see it first off she was wrong for even opening it, she had no business it was not addressed to her

She is still young and immature, with that taken into consideration, I'm sure that if it were her in the situation like you are of monies being owed, she would want hers, she wouldn't just let it go, poor crazy X he deserves to have my money while I maybe struggling at the time, if he owes he needs to pay, just like the hydro bill

As much as we hate it sometimes our kids have similar personalities as the X, maybe not all, but some, how can they not when they were raised by the npd, it's the classic whoa is me, someone else's fault,if he had of paid he wouldn't owe, I bet he tells her stuff like if I didn't have to pay your mom so much I would do this and this and this for you, my oldest looks like dumbass pa/npd, and at times acts like him, he has some of the same personality quirks that dumbass has, it scares me, yet he has other qualities that are great,

I would have one more discussion about it with her,and I would make it very clear that this is the last discussion because, it's none of her business,she should check her facts before attacking, if she so chooses to cut ties for something that is none of her business, then that is her choice, but I will always love her, but I will not discuss the terms of the divorce between her father and I,

My heart hurts for you,I know how hard it is dealing with young adults, we do all we can to try and protect our kids, and they can shoot us down with their words in minutes, make us second guess ourselves

It's a long road having to deal with these crazy npd X's, he has probably distorted the facts to your daughter, she has probably heard his whoa is me story, where as you have probably always had a parental boundary in place where as you didn't discuss the terms of the divorce and what monies are owed, and she has got to hear the npd X constantly complain

I am sorry your daughter is treating you that way. I know exactly how you feel. XWH#1 manipulated my DS8 for 10yrs. It was horrible. My DS was disrespectful to me and WH#2 and finally moved to his grandparents (where Disney Dad lived) when he was 14. He pretty much refused to have a whole lot to do with me except when he wanted something. When the CS and insurance from me ran out, Disney Dad shipped him off to the military when he graduated HS at 18. He was an honors student and very smart. They lived in a town with a major college he could have gotten scholarships to, but Dad didn't want to help support him anymore. Not that there is anything wrong with the military, but he was college material. He is now sitting in a fort in Missouri somewhere driving a truck. I am hoping that by being away from his Dad's constant manipulation he will begin to see him for the lazy, low life he is. He actually called me on Mother's Day which was a first so I am hopeful. He never knew exactly why I divorced his Dad and I am not sure what XWH#1 told him. He also thought I was taking all his Dad's money and things. The fact is his Dad stole all the money from the checking (my Mom's inheritance) and also stole the kids college $$$. He also stole so much from the house before I could get a court order to stop him. My son doesn't have a clue what I went through with his Dad for over 20+yrs. They can only see what they want to see. I can only be who I am. I was/am a good Mother and I know it. Hopefully one day the kids do too. (((HUGS)))

I don't post much, but felt I needed to respond to this. When my daughter was 18 her NPD disney dad could do no wrong. Always bought her the newest electronic toys, trips to Vegas, new car downpayment (half of car price) etc. I didnt get alimony or anything from him, so I struggle a bit to pay all the bills. She is 24 now, and still lives with me, she is going back to school and a hard worker so I don't mind. She used to travel to see him all she could, but this last year,only when he guilted her so much she had to go. Last Thanksgiving, she didn't go see him as usual (That was his holiday). When asked why, she said- "you know, dad is kind of an asshole and he pouts". Your daughter will come around on her own, it just takes time. And maybe she should see him more or live with him so she will wise up faster. Good luck and hugs.

WTF is she doing opening his mail anyway? Something smells.

Sorry Cat. I'd let her go live with him and get a big fat reality check.

Stop being so nice and show her your hurt and anger. It. Is. None. Of. Her. Business.

Period.

Full stop.

Cat -

I'm going swing a very very gentle 2X4. I can't imagine you telling any of us to do anything else but take back the house keys. Remember she's not 9. She's an adult, a young adult but still old enough to think she can make her own decisions.

I can imagine how hurt you must feel over this. I would have one more conversation. Explain what you are comfortable sharing. Remind her that she is only getting her dad's perspective. If she really thinks you are that awful she should go live with Dad but after all this time and all you've done as her mom you'd think she'd know better. Then ask for the keys and ask when she'll be picking up her things.

(((Cat)))

He was actually served on Thursday while my youngest was with him. She opened the summons and is angry with me.

ok. Not unexpected. But with more facts when in a non REACTIVE state, she can decide where she wants to be emotionally on this fight.

She called me selfish and greedy, said I wasn't a good mom in the aftermath of the affair, said I always bad mouthed her dad and that she was going to move out if I didn't drop the suit.

^^ This is an attack and should be addressed separately from the facts of the current litigation with her father. If she really feels this way, then I would make it clear that such an attack was hurtful, and that you regret she feels this way and send her on her way to be with "her NPD people." If this was more reactionary from the hurt and fear of the service and the probably violent emotional reaction she viewed from her father... then maybe you two can sort through it together. Remember that the children of NPD have two basic choices when living/visiting the NPD parent. Either mirror the behavior and be accepted or reject the NPD and be attacked or ignored. Damn difficult to the latter for a child.

If you have an opportunity to discuss this with the girls I would do it very very frankly in the terms of contracts. The breech of contract (re: marriage) the way the courts settle the D and the financial support based on the needs of the children and the investment in the marriage by both parties. Explain the judicial decision making and that these types of decisions happen thousands of times a day to lots and lots of people. Take the "special" out of NPD's sob story and the emotional attack out of the equation. Just the facts ma'am.

Of course you are distraught. I am so sorry. (((Cat)))

((((Cat))))

I'm sorry you are going through this.

((Catwoman)) I agree with others here that say to let her go live with the man and find out what it is really like. Ask for your house key back.

I also think you should calmly tell her how hurt you are and that she has no idea of the hell your X has put you through over the years. If she asks for proof, give it to her. She is an adult and it's time to treat her that way. Don't put up with her blackmail and disrespect, and most of all, please stop shielding her from who her father really is. Part of the reason she is like this is because you have shielded her from the truth. Sorry, that's just what I think.

(((((((Cat))))))))

I'm not going to tell you to take back the keys - but you'd certainly be justified in changing the locks if you want to.

What did you say to her when she said all that to you? How did you respond?

Catwoman,

I'm sorry your daughter is reacting this way, it hurts no matter what. Since your daughter lives with you perhaps you could simply start doing some things simply for yourself (like cooking dinner) and when she asks where her's is, gently explain that since there is no money coming in from her father and you are not going to chase it, (on her instruction) there is sadly not enough food for you all and she will need to get a job and pay her own way from now on. Or she may like to speak to her father and see if he is willing to send her money on a reqular basis. Thats how it is in the grown up world...no money = No food, oh and 'would you mind starting to pay your share of the utilities please" She is old enough to be supporting herself is she doesn't feel its her fathers job and you have done it long enough....If it helps my daughter moved at out 16 telling me she hated me, now at 23 she and I are as close as mother and daughter can be..it took a few stormy years but we got there.

((((Cat))))

I'm so sorry about this, it is an incredibly painful situation for you.

I am with those that think your DD should know the story, and that as an adult she is free to move out, you will NOT be disrespected like that.

((((Cat))))

I am with others that she is old enough for the whole story, with your proof to show that your 'story' is the real one. She may then need time to process it, and she should leave if she still harbors such disrespect for you. You don't need that in your life and you don't deserve it. But she is an adult and needs to arrive at her own conclusions, with the facts. No, it is really none of her business, but if she only has information from one perspective, and it is slanted and false information, guess who she us going to believe? Sit her down, tell her the whole story with proof in a calm cool manner, then be prepared for her to walk away, at least for a while. At least then you won't have the tension and animosity in your own home and feel the need to constantly walk on egg shells around her. You have no obligation to keep the burden of the truth from her at her age.

I'm so sorry, Cat.

You have the proof however they may not be at a point where they are ready to listen.

I would offer to have a discussion to give them the whole truth. If they take you up on it, be armed with what you have and have an agenda.

If they don't want to listen, let them know you are ready to talk whenever they are and let them go. They will be back.

You've been the stable, safe place to land. One thing I've found is that kids seem to get angriest and most vocal with the parent they feel the safest with. You are the one they can always count on. Your love is unconditional and they know that....so you are safe to lash out at.

It's time they either listen or go out on their own.

(((cat)))

You have gone out of your way to avoid trashing him to the kids, including suffering tons of disrespect and slights from them in an effort to keep the peace. While he constantly undermines you and manipulates them.

It may be time to stop shielding them from the truth.

Would it be possible to have this conversation with your children under the guidance of a professional? Counselor, pastor, or close friend/family member?

Cat,

I don't have any other suggestions than what have been mentioned. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Please check in and let us know how things are going.

Dear Cat,

As the others say, I'm sorry for your sadness and frustration with your daughter. I have this going on at times with DD and do you know, for my whole life long, have watched my narcissitic sister manipulate and climb all over my mother, who does it to me? She is aging now and frail and working two jobs, while working her tail off to be a doormat and still support my sister, who critizes, manipulates and yells at her, 30 years later.

So with that experience, I do commend you for acknowledging that your daughter is mistreating you, for it seems from your post like a form of bullying.

DD I have is much younger than yours, but already showing huge favoritism signs and pining after the parent who so blatantly replaced and abandoned her. It pains me to see and hear this and at times I want to tell her the entire truth, but will not.

In the divorce decree we have, it says that "chidren shall not be handed envelopes or papers belonging to parents or open mail belonging to them." I know that your daughter is older, but as one of the other posts said, how come she opened his mail anyway? I could see if it was an obvious catalog, but something like a summons or other lawyer mail would be a clear "no" around here. And, in fact, any of my papers or mail or computer stuff from L, I go to great length to make sure she doesn't see it.

And FWIW, it's my thought that your daughter has her own anger and other issues and I wonder if you are where she is aiming those feelings? I don't mean to play counselor, but I can hear mine saying that... and I'm sorry for it.

Your kids are adults and maybe it's time they know what happened.

It may be time to stop shielding them from the truth.

Past time, by a couple of years!

Cat,

Remember what you're dealing with? Your X is an NPD. He has most likely taken every single opportunity to paint you as a monster to your daughter.

It is difficult if not impossible to co-parent with an NPD.

They will do everything in their power to destroy you in the eyes of your children. No matter if THEY were the fault of the divorce, they will paint you out to be the monster.

I feel for you. And totally support your decision to change the locks. This is just another example of how far an NPD can and will go in their mission of destruction.

So sorry.