SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think ONE of my problems was, was that I never did THINK about what I was doing. It wasn't even as if I had the thought that I would never cheat on my H, or that I looked down on those who did.

I wish I had not been so afraid all the time. Feels painful to think how frightened Ive always felt.

So I pushed it all down.

- After cheating with my H's bestfriend when we were first going out, I just shoved it way down.

- After kissing a guy in a bar, I just shoved it away.

-After having an affair with a guy at work. I just shoved it away.

-After kissing my H's friend, I just shoved it right down.

-After having another affair at work. I just shoved it down.

-After a PA 2 years later, I just shoved it down.

And then something happened. I could no longer shove these things away. I could no longer shove myself away.

And then the agony of it all hit.

Painful to realise how many years have been wasted, shoving shit down and away. Lurching from one fucked up thing to another; other men, different jobs, getting in debt, drinking too much. All connected.

ETA: bit venty in hindsight.

[This message edited by ophelia24 at 8:12 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

What MrsP and MissesJ said.

Oh god the agony of when it finally hits you. I will never forget the day I couldn't push it down. The day I stopped being able to look in the mirror. We were I. Puerto Rico for my birthday and SO had bought a cake for me but had no candles. He turned out all the lights in the hotel room and came in carrying the cake with his phone screen lit for a candle and singing happy birthday. In that moment all I thought was "what have you done!?" I confessed 5 days later. That memory has brought me to my knees many many times. As happy as I am to have identified my whys and started working on them, I want those moments back with a need that will not die. Its sad to know that he's told me that part of him is forever dead, and that I killed it. So once again, no I never thought I'd be capable of this destruction.

Coming in late here...also what Mrs Panda said.

I never in a million years thought I would be a cheater. Never did I think that I would be able to stoop so low as to hurt the one I love. To hurt the one that has been there for me through everything.

I never thought much of myself during the time of my affair. I was trying to ruin my relationship because I thought my husband would be better off without me. With someone better who would treat him with respect.

Why did you keep going back? (if you did)

I had two sexual encounters with my AP. Honestly, my AP was an asshole and I hate him for using me the way he did. I am not saying that I didn't do anything wrong. I did a whole lot wrong. I guess the reason I kept things going was because I thought I had already ruined everything with my husband and I didn't want to lose everything. I figured that even if I didn't have my husband than I should have something. Selfishness. That is why. I was selfish.

I can relate to tiredgirl a great deal.

But no, I never thought I would cheat on my husband.

This was me when I was young and stupid: I would never cheat. I would leave before I cheated. Why wouldn't anybody just leave?

This was me too. I felt so self-righteous when I was younger. Like I was morally above other people and I would never degrade myself.

Somehow, as no sex was involved I was able to convince myself I wasn't doing anything wrong. I remember xAP commenting one day that my ability to detach from my real life was scary and it freaked him out. At the time I didn't know what he was talking about..

What do you mean detached from my real life? I was still attending to my kids wasn't I? I was still caring for my family wasn't I? I was still having sex with my husband wasn't I? I was still dealing with my daily responsibilities wasn't I? What do you mean I'm detached?

We all know what the reality was.. didn't want to admit my whole life revolved around AP as that would REALLY make me a bad person..

Cake-eater theme comes up time and time again for me.

Thank you for this forum. All of you.

Thank you one and all for your honesty.

My H said that this would "never be our story". What he meant was, "I won't leave you and the kids like my Dad left us."

In his mind, he was leaps and bounds ahead of his dad. He now knows that is F'd up!