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Just my opinion, wait to see what happens. And while you're doing that, get your ducks in a row and be ready to put your foot down. The fact that she deleted it showed you her intentions already..

Blowing everything up right away gives you no chance to do some PI work as it gives them a chance to go further underground..

R requires complete transparency, and she's showing you she's not willing to give you that.

And I agree with Gonna. "Lunch next week?" is WAY to casual for people who haven't spoken in a long time..

Hugs..

Why is everyone saying wait?

Here's why I voted for *wait*.

1) Blameshifting and gaslighting only add to the anxiety and drama. I didn't like the *tone* of the "lunch next week"....and if there is any chance that something is going on that shouldn't be? She's gonna lie like a rug.

2) It's been a couple of years and *R* is occurring (hopefully). That's enough time to re-set the clock to an *initial*-type confrontation with evidence. As someone who was on the "we are in R"...8 months later....oh wait...."no we aren't. there's something *new*".....for a very long time? The WS gets kinda 'fat & happy' and feels as if *it's in the past*. So new discoveries bring on all of the same old shit, IME.

Unique, you have no idea how much I hope that your wife comes home tonight and tells you that the douche sent her an email and "who the hell does he think he is?!" *fingers crossed*

@Unique%

This is an opportunity to know if you've been in a true R for two years.

Tread carefully.

I really hope your wife comes up with , " oh yeah, did I mention l got an email....."

All the best to you mate!

I had the same thing happen last month except it was two text messages from OW, then WH waited 3weeks and called her supposably to tell her to leave us alone. He never told me and I found it on the phone bill. Now we are back to square one after almost a year of NC, because he lied by ommission again, supposably to protect me, but in actuality he was protecting himself again. Give her a little time to confess she received the e-mail and why she deleted it. If she doesn't then you know she is still rug sweeping and not fully into R. Good luck!!! Oh, I also agree that the tone of that e-mail is not what someone would say after NC for two years. That doesn't even make sense. As Judge Judy says if it doesn't make sense, it isn't true.

I apologize. Poor choice of words. Early on, I also blurted out everything and expected to hear the truth. But now, after all of this time here, I'd know to keep quiet (pretending I had the flu or something to distance myself if I was worried I'd blurt out anything) and wait.

My Opinion: People who confront early and don't investigate are chicken. They would rather the WS lie than to have to deal with the truth if it's not good. So they confront early so that a WS can lie, or go more deeply underground by being tipped off.

I think some of it more about personality types.

I don't tend to wait around for long - I hate having things hanging over my head.

It works both ways - I think confronting early kept my WH off balance - he had less time to come up with his blameshifting bull.

I struggle with getting the balance in this - I don't want to be trying to trip my WH up - I just want truth!

Well said Meta. I wish I wouldn't of confronted when I did - I was in denial and relied on hope that I was wrong. All I did was tip my hand so my wife could delete all of her secret e-mail accounts before I knew about them.

Unique, what Gonna said about the "lunch next week" - it sounds like it's something that is more casual than expected if you haven't heard from someone your not supposed to be contacting for two years. I hope that the dude is just a jackwagon and that's how he rolls, but if my wife's AP ever contacted her in that tone I'd probably suspect that they had been in contact. Almost seems there is an implied "Same time as last time" at the end of that. Good luck.

From your 2010 post.

May 2010, I told OM's W. This seemed to do some sort of trick. Found out a couple weeks ago that she has still been in contact periodically. But, "she doesn't want it".

I would suggesst that you inform the OM's BW once again.

Well, so far, nothing. She hasn't mentioned it.

I will tell OM's BW, no question about that.

Now, I guess, I need to go into detective mode (provided that she doesn't mention it today) to see if I can find any other contact or see they actually do go to lunch, which will be very difficult to track. I have a VAR, but...

When I do confront, I have some questions, but I have a feeling that I will be gaslighted:

- when was the last time you had contact with him?

- why did he think it was okay to contact you? Or ask you out to lunch?

- have you been to lunch with him recently (as would his casual invite would seem to indicate)?

Gaaaah. Hate this drama crap. honestly, I didn't think that I would ever have to worry about that d-bag again--it was only the other OM that I had to worry about.

Someone mentioned that he was probably testing to see if emailing her at work was okay. Well, he's going to find out his answer soon. What a dumb a$$.

What's your anxiety level like right now (1 - 10)? My heart is beating faster right now, just from reading this, never mind living it.

I had a few thoughts for you.

1. I agree that you should go into detective mode. Personally, no matter how difficult, I would need to know if they went to lunch this week.

2. Fact: She did delete the email, so there is still a chance that she did not respond. In this scenario, the only problem would be with the timeliness of her telling you.

3. Fact: He sent the email at 10:30 pm, so maybe he was bored, drunk or both.

4. Fact: He did say that he was looking through old emails, which would argue against recent contact, possibly. Yes, the "lunch next week" sounds too familiar, but it could simply be fishing.

5. Fact: She hasn't told you about the email. I don't think this email would be an easy one for her to forget about. After all, she did delete it, twice. But, it may not mean that she has reconnected with him. Se may just be avoiding the uncomfortableness of mentioning it to you. That would be the wrong thing for her to do, but would not point to infidelity, but other issues.

So, the above is the "benefit of the doubt" best case scenario. I hope that is the case.

I just don't see how you will ever really know, since she hasn't said anything, unless you have her followed to lunch every damn day this week. If they don't meet for lunch, you can talk about the email with her next weekend and reassert how important it is that she let you know immediately, etc. You can send a copy of the email to his wife, and I suppose you could call him and tell him to never contact your wife again.

Good luck. Stay strong.

Thanks, NMAI.

I think that you succinctly put it well--I can't argue with anything you have brought up, and because it's been so long since they had contact, I am leaning toward giving her the benefit of the doubt right now. But, I still need to stay vigilant.

When I confronted her the first time about him, she broke NC MANY times. Even after I outed them to OM's BW, they still had periodic contact.

Once, she brought her work laptop home and I found that she had been looking up his profile on FB, I'm sure to see how he was doing (they are not friends, but he is not blocked)

So, yeah, I don't know if I will ever be sleuth enough to catch her doing anything, but if I don't, does that mean that she took it underground, or that nothing happened?

I will also ask if she replied to him via email or by phone (even to tell him to knock it off).

I will see this week and talk to her about it next week, if nothing happens.

Then, I'll send OM's BW a copy of the email.

Sheesh...

eta: My anxiety level is about a 7 right now, because there is part of me that thinks she is just uncomfortable bringing it up and doesn't want to rattle any cages. And, she just wants to ignore him and make it go away. (a small part of me...)

Otherwise, it would be a 10+

[This message edited by uniquenewyork at 1:23 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

I spoke to W a couple of nights ago. Seemed like a good time to do it--i think that she felt like I had something on my mind.

Told her that I saw the email and was wondering if she had replied to him in any way. "No", was the answer.

Basically, she didn't tell me about it, because she didn't want to upset me, etc. I told her that from now on, she needs to tell me about anything regarding contact with him or her other AP (that is inappropriate. they work together.)

told her that we need to send an NC letter to him and that I was going to let OM's BS know about this.

She said she's okay with sending an NC letter, but she was not okay with letting OBS know. She's a bit of a drama queen and has caused some problems for her in the past. I do believe my W when she says that she hasn't spoken to AP in over 1.5 years, and that she never replied to him and that she had no intention of doing so. (can't believe I just said that, but I do feel it.) She doesn't want to kick the hornet's nest.

I, myself, think that she needs to know that he seems to be fishing. But, if she gives him no indication that she's interested and we remind him that he isn't supposed to be communicating with her, then maybe that's good enough (?)

Anyway, anyone have any thoughts on this?

She's a bit of a drama queen and has caused some problems for her in the past.

So your WW inserted herself into another woman's marriage and has the nerve to cry foul when that woman causes her some problems? I think the label drama queen is being applied to the wrong person here. I don't believe your WW. I think there has been other contact or at least attempts.

I would want to know.

Do you have ANY reason to believer her?

I mean, deleting instead of telling you is deceit. She is supposed to tell you, and "I didn't want to upset you" is the very first excuse in the Lying Liars handbook.

"Lunch next week?" May have been real. Or, it may have been testing the work email waters. Either way, this guy has it under some authority that it's ok to reach out to your WW.

Oh, and not telling the OBW what's going on is not ok. Does your wife know WHY this woman causes her drama? Um, because she had an affair with her husband. The remorseful FWS accepts this as part of the package and acts on behalf of TRUTH, not self preservation.

Plain and simple, for SOME reason OM reached out to your WW, whether she invited it or is just being a coward about it. OBW deserves to hear about it. This should also serve as a bucket of ice water if they were trying to fire something else up.

If nothing else, don't let her get away from the "I was trying to spare your feelings" bullcrap. This ain't the minor leagues.

(((unique)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 4:03 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

she was not okay with letting OBS know. She's a bit of a drama queen and has caused some problems for her in the past.

IF there is NC, then she shouldn't give a rat's patooty about telling the BW.

If not, sounds like she's trying to minimize the damage of broken contact all around.

ETA: And let's not forget that despite her telling you she has no interest in contacting him, she still didn't tell you about it right away.

Rather, she read it, then permanently deleted it. I found that odd, seeing her other deleted emails were there.

IMO, that is completely unacceptable.

AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 4:13 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

In NO way am I trying to minimize the damage that my W did to OBS. She has every right to be pissed at my W. When the OBS confronted my W once, a couple of years ago, out in public (i was not there), my W came home visibly shaken about the experience. I defended OBS.

(and I apologize for "drama queen" comment. I meant to say that, since we have known her, which started years before the A started between my W and her H, she has been known to have a bit of a temper--but, then again, my W was apparently not his first A in their marriage.)

And, believe me, I am still very wary of my W's ability to slip back into old habits. I have seen no form of contact between her an this fAP for almost two years. I check her phone/FB/work email/etc., and there has been nothing.

This is NOT to say that this is a clean slate, and at this point, I'm not sure that I would put it past her to be hiding some sort of contact. If she is lying to me now, or if I find or hear anything that contradicts her story to me, then that's it. And, she knows it.

SHE"S okay with the NC letter but not informing the BS?

she doesn't want to kick the hornet's nest.

Of course not...you get stung.

And YOU are part of that hornets nest she refuses to kick. Unless you find out about these things on your own she is showing you that she isn't going to tell you. I think she has you in the same boat at the Other BS. She controls the flow of information through the use of deception, or omission, to avoid discomfort to herself.

Quite frankly, I can't understand why she feels that she should be in the drivers seat here. So what if you get upset. You have the right to be upset. It's not you she's protecting when she doesn't want you to be upset. It's herself.

Are you ok with her making decisions like that for you? I think that's a sign of very very poor boundaries. There are some decisions we simply do not have the right to make for other people. And she is still Ok with doing just that.

I think there is a great deal more here than just a problem of being contacted by the OM. I think the issue of making decisions for others without their permission, or invitation to do so, is going to cause more problems down the road than the ones you are already dealing with.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 4:45 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Thanks, refuz.

Excellent 2x4.

Now that I think about it, she said that she wanted me to tell fAP to back off. Wanting me to do her work for her. And, then she doesn't want tell OBS.

(I told her that she can write the NC letter, then I'll read and send it.)

You're right.

I will tell OBS. I told her than I hadn't made up my mind. But, now, I don't think that she even needs to know what I do in this regard.

Yeah, this issue is not over, even after our chat the other night.

I am so glad you are going to tell the the W. It is 100% the right thing to do. You would want her to do the same for you. It also is a great bucket of ice water as someone so aptly pointed out. My concern is your wife may not want to tell the other wife because she does not want contact to be permanently severed. Perhaps she still likes the attention and the potential opportunity to rekindle with him should she choose too. She seems to like to control decisions and outcomes. So do not back down on telling the other bs. Slam that door shut...your wife's reaction will tell you a lot.

Since your W asked you to call this guy to ask him to stop contacting her, why not do that? Yes, send the NC letter from your W. Yes, notify his wife about his contact. But, why not also call him?

You: "Hey ( whatever his piece of shit name is), this is Unique. I understand you invited my wife to lunch?"

him: Yeah. So what?

You: what makes you think this is ok?

Him: (listen closely to his answer.)

You: well, I've let your wife know that I don't think it's ok, and now I'm letting you know. So, listen closely. Stay. The. Fuck. Away. From. My. Wife.

Then hang up.

Then tell your wife what EXACTLY what you did and said.

Do you agree?