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Sicktomy, I think that healing comes from changes that we make within ourselves versus trying to change outward circumstances. There will always be outward circumstances that may cause triggers for your BS. If she is confident in your remorse and reconciliation efforts it will help the two of you shoulder those triggers, together.

Wishing you both every success!

Sicktomy - How would you feel if someone had an affair with your wife, and then tried to intimidate you into pulling your kids out of their school?

You have a very large sense of entitlement going on there.

Why are your kids more entitled to attend that school than the other couples kids? They're not, you're not more entitled to have your own way, you have no right to try and intimidate the other bs. Why would you want to anyway? I think that's an important question to ask yourself.

I'm quite appalled someone would want to do this or even think about it.

[This message edited by HormonalWoman at 1:41 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

BS here. Pardon my French. lol. But if things are so hard for you to have the kids in the same school, why don't you transfer your kids to another school. It is not just on the other BS to make both families comfortable.

Let me see if I understand this correctly....

The other people should remove THEIR kids from the stable and consistent schooling they have been in so that YOU don't have to face the consequences of YOUR actions?

You cheated. You were the AP in this other couple's marriage. You need to man up. If it hurts your wife to see this family then YOU move your kids. Why should their kids suffer the consequences of your wife's feelings. they are just little kids stuck in the middle of the field where YOU threw a bomb. That's just cruel and unusual treatment of INNOCENT victims.

I call bologna on just "throwing that idea out here" as to not really do it. Really? If you were not planning on doing those things you would never have brought it up and asked our opinion. Instead you would have said something different.

The fact that you still don't get what you are suggesting as wrong makes me wonder what you really are doing at home to repair the damage that you created. If you don't care about the other betrayed spouse as an innocent human being that as a victim to YOUR actions...... Think of the children!

Also anyone knows that moving 2 children is easier than moving 4.

[This message edited by courageous at 3:06 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Eloquent or not I'm not positive that if your BW had posted the idea of supporting making the other BS anxious that it would have been taken differently. The idea itself is abhorrent. To purposely make yourself visible to cause someone else anxiety when you have already seen firsthand what its doing to your BW and she is experiencing it is shocking to say the least. Both of you need to figure out how being cruel to someone else in pain due to your actions even came up as an option to be asked about. The responders have been pretty equal BS to WS ratio and each of them has been equally disgusted and horrified. How did the two of you even get to this mindset?

[This message edited by Unagie at 2:41 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:44 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Courageous (and all BSs),

Thank you.

There's no need for me to echo what the others have collectively said. I hope you don't run from this but instead have an open and honest discussion with your BS regarding this.

Although you created the mess, your BS is at just as much fault as you are for the idea. Her hiding behind you & having you post the idea so if it back fired you'd be left holding the pot then you throwing her under the bus when it got hot in here is something you two really should discuss & look at IMHO.

Sounds like the two of you are pretty immature and selfish. Fix yourselves and learn to grow together or your lives will always be full of strife and you'll both blame each other but never understand anything. SMH.

Neither my BS or the other BS did anything to deserve the pain me and the affair partner caused and neither of them should have to deal with more pain. Our kids and their kids should not be impacted as well. For the pas 14 months I have picked up the kids on most days, unless something from work prevented that. This has been so my bs doesn't have anxiety and I've also tried to avoid the time while the other BS might be there. My BS is not hiding behind me, I am the one who messed up many lives so I posted this. We don't want to cause hurt or discomfort to the other BS. I truly am sorry for causing pain to many other people today by my post.

I don't think you caused people pain so much as shock.

I remember when my FWH first really and truly faced what he had done, he was shocked at himself. There's a lot to be gained in stepping outside yourself and your behavior and looking at what you're doing from the outside in.

Instead of feeling picked on, please join us and review your initial post. Over and over. I've read it at least 10 times today.

Our hope for EVERYONE here is that we can learn how to do the right thing by others as well as ourselves.

I think IC would be an excellent step to delving into how this ever seemed ok. Compassion for others is a miracle of a personality trait, and I sincerely hope that you can learn to see the world through compassionate eyes.

Many BSs say that their partners' infidelity was forgivable, but that their behavior in the aftermath of discovery is not.

Will your wife like what she's seeing in the aftermath of your betrayal, or are you compounding the injury so severely that, when the dust settles, she will see not only a stranger, but a stranger with whom she has no desire to reconcile?

If you've convinced her that this is the way to relieve her discomfort, you have made her complicit, and that will severely compromise HER ability to heal. Far from loving, it is a selfish, harmful, morally reprehensible suggestion.

This kind remorseless entitlement is what ends MANY a marriage that might otherwise survive infidelity. Please explore the thought patterns that made it seem like even a possibility in IC. And please---apologize to YOUR wife for the injury the suggestion caused her. Because she may not yet know it, but it did.

Very, very sad

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:11 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

sicktomy, I can assure you that in my case, I was not pained at all by your post. Baffled and concerned, yes, but it did not hurt me to read it.

I am also not going to criticize your BS, who is probably raw and hurting. I'm sure she probably said, "I am sick of seeing them (OW and OBS). I want them out of that school." I said some very similar things. I know in my case, I was not looking for FWH to fix it (as much as I wished he could) but wanted him to be able to hear and acknowledge my pain. If he could come up with some option that would make it easier, all the better. Frankly, it would have horrified me if he had suggested torturing OBS with his presence in order to try and make me feel better. I expected him, as he grew, to be able to empathize and feel remorse toward MOW's BH, not be willing to twist the knife more. I looked for that empathy as a yardstick of progress on his part.

My opinion is that if you are thinking like this, even spitballing, then you have not reached a point where you are truly remorseful. And, quite frankly, I think that does not bode well for your R or for your BW being safe with you. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that is my read on the situation.

Do you have an IC?

The more I think about it I think what really shocks us is the idea of fixing the pain of the A by causing more pain. It just doesn't make sense and it is not dealing with the real issue... Just covering it up.

If I looked at this with less emotion what would you do if this guy, who you have thrusted yourself in his face to get him to leave, decided to physically harm you? I have heard of several betrayed men that wanted to do damage to the wife's AP. being more "available" and present increases the potential of a bad outcome.

I am also not going to criticize your BS, who is probably raw and hurting. I'm sure she probably said, "I am sick of seeing them (OW and OBS). I want them out of that school." I said some very similar things

Yep. Read that a few times in General. Understandably.

Consequences blow, and get on everyone, in some cases. Not just the offending parties.

I'm sure this is a tough situation for the BH and your BS. Horrible, in fact. Added to the torture is the fact the BH knew and didn't warn her. Everyone involved knew but her. I can't even imagine the rage and pain seeing these people on a daily, along with the fact her friend was everywhere in her house as she was trying to fuck her husband. Now isn't that special. I sooooo get that one. Mine did too. If I saw her everyday she'd be sporting tread marks.

I think working on yourself internally may help with the external. She is struggling and you don't seem to be proactive or empathetic. She posts she feels humiliated and you don't see why. You don't? Her partner in life, her good friend, her good friend's partner in life basically conspire to withhold her reality from her? Holy shit. Sharing jokes, conversations with those that know how you're being fucked over even as they speak?

She has no reason to feel humiliation as she was the only real blameless person in the group, but I sure as shit can see why she would.

I think starting to work at really feeling and seeing her pain, feeling what you trashed within yourself, will help you be proactive, responsive, driven to fix yourself and be there for her. That's an enormous bowl of suck she has to eat daily. Grab a spoon and help her.

As a BS, I think this is your only option. "1. Deal with my affair and it's consequences like adults".

First time I heard this."I hurt more than my own family when I chose to have an affair". Best of luck to you and yours.

I am Sicktomy's BW.

I have neither hid behind him or threw him under the bus. I have been at work and simply don't have internet access while I am using my work network. He posted this as I am constantly saying "get HER out of the school". So yes, I get that this is my fault and I need to back off. He can't fix this. I need to put on my big girl pants and either "get over it" or pull my kids from the school.

We as a family have rearranged our schedule, missed friends' birthdays and tried to be as mature as possible in our dealings with the affair.

I told a mutual friend because I had backed out of several outings due to the AP being there. My friend is supportive and I have never asked her to take sides.

Am I proud of even considering this idea? Hell no. I'm humiliated that I have it in me to do that to someone else.

I want to thank cdnmommy and uncertainone for at least attempting to understand how emotion played into the decision to post here. We were hoping that this would be a safe place to use as a sounding board. Thank you for not reaming us with the same 2x4 over and over and over again.

We will continue to do everything in our power to avoid the AP, her BS and their children. We will not be forcing ourselves into their lives nor do anything to harm their children.

Sicktomy, This seems all about you. The logical thing seems to pull your kids out and put them in a different school. Separate yourself from ow and other bs and work on helping your betrayed wife

[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 4:46 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

I can understand the desire to remove the other family. I can. Really. I've wanted to insulate my family from this whole mess and just focus on us - it seems to be really critical for my healing. So, if I was faced with this, I'd be thinking the same thing, even though it isn't fair to OBS or OBS' kids. Personally, I would not give a rat's ass about OW. But OBS and OBS' kids deserve more respect, as you already know.

I think you guys should remove your kids. I'm sure the school is amazing or you wouldn't want to stay so badly. However, I'm sensing so much stress, frustration, sadness. It sounds like you're both thinking of doing uncharacteristically mean things as a result of all of this negativity. If you are that far "gone" because of the presence of the other family...take your kids out. Your kids cannot be benefiting from the school so much as to outweigh such distressed parents. I don't think it is a matter of "putting on big girl panties" because, you know, many of us BS are already doing that to the 1000th degree (as are many WS). Sometimes you just need to know when you're just "piling on" more crap. Remove it. Remove the kids.

This falls in line of the quote "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". If this was just Sicktomy, and coming from Sicktomy, then I would think it was quite selfish. But his BW's post is very enlightening:

He posted this as I am constantly saying "get HER out of the school".

This is one of those irrational requests coming from a very emotional person. On a very extreme side, this reminds me of the Army Private who killed a woman he cheated with because his BS effectively said the same words. The WS, in desperation, is coming up (and willing to do) ANYTHING to make it right to the BS.

Now I do agree that Sicktomy has a lot of issues to work on, but I think in this regard both he and especially his BS needs to re-examine things.

And honestly, just the fact that they agreed to post and get advice here is a good thing.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 6:35 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]