SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not saying this to hurt you. Please. . . don't take it that way. (((HUGS)))

He wants cake and ice cream too. Please Arnold01 180 him. He knows that he is being selfish, he said so. He knows that he is hurting you. He doesn't care, he would rather hurt you then her. He wants to have an EA with her and thinks that that should be ok with you but if it isn't oh well. He will do it anyway.

Take good care my friend.

Up until two days ago he was supportive, remorseful, willing to talk and answer my difficult questions, etc

He was only pretending. He was appeasing you for the moment until you backed down and he could revert back to his old ways.

He was only pretending. He was appeasing you for the moment until you backed down and he could revert back to his old ways.

he would rather hurt you then her.

I agree and think both of these statements are spot on. Arnold, my heart breaks for you and I don't want to hurt you - but you haven't got a remorseful spouse now and he wasn't remorseful before either. He's being totally unreasonable and he knows it.

Please start the 180 for your own sake, while you decide what is the best thing to do next for you and your children. ((((((Hugs))))))

You guys are awesome, yet again, and I wish I could thank all of you personally for the support.

Things are far from good, but I feel stronger in the past few days. I've started the 180 which is helping me tremendously, and we had a good MC session on Wednesday. That was followed by some very difficult but civilized and constructive conversation at home.

Yesterday, WH emailed MOW to check in - now that he believes everyone is fine with them being friends - and she emailed back that she is really struggling with what she has done and how she's hurt her husband. She suggested that if she and WH are going to remain friends, they need to cool things off for now and see whether someday after a lot of healing that can be possible. WH told her that if she needs her space, he'll respect that.

When I got home yesterday WH told me about this entire exchange and showed me the emails. He told me he felt horrible and started to cry when he told me that he's hurt all the people he cares about (me, her, her husband). I'm glad I made the list (ha!). Even so, my husband absolutely does not cry, so this felt like the first little bit of true emotion and recognize for what he's done.

So, I'm not betting on anything and am not willing to let up on the 180 until I see a LOT more action and not just a few words. Even so, I wonder if the OW telling him that what they've done is wrong, that they hurt everyone they love, and that they cannot stay in contact and keep hurting me and her BH will finally break through to him. I've said all of that all along, but maybe it will take her saying so for him to listen.

For now I'm looking for actions that suggest the fog is lifting. There is probably going to be some affair withdrawal now that she's backed off of their relationship, and I'm prepared to stick with the 180 for a bit to see how this goes. I'm researching my options so that I'm ready to make decisions if it comes to that.

I know several of you might think I'm a fool for not having kicked him out already, but I've realized that my emotions have been so up and down that I can't trust myself yet to know what I'm really feeling. The 180 is helping a ton with that, so I know I'll be strong enough either way - whether things improve and we eventually get to real R or not.

I guess sinsofthefather said it best: I'm taking care of myself while I decide what the best thing to do for me and my children is. ((((hugs back to you all))))

Arnold01. Just want to lend mu support and say you are far from stupid....my idiot WH still hasn't admitted to affair and has broken no contact. He is currently repenting by being home straight after work every day not using cell or texting after he gets home ( this was method of contact). And not going out with friends etc. he too has said he is sick of me monitoring and any liking him and that he loves only me so what is my issue ( he denies having PA and doesn't see the issue of EA even though he lied continually about where he was who he was talking too and who he was with) I too have not kicked him out am doing 180 and taking time to get my ducks in a row and make decisions. I am numb to him right now. He will either make an effort or not. He refuses MC but has to find a way to win my trust and love back! (((Hugs))) to you. May you find alight at the end of a long dark tunnel.

WH told her that if she needs her space, he'll respect that.

But yet didn't respect YOUR need for NC?

When I got home yesterday WH told me about this entire exchange and showed me the emails. He told me he felt horrible and started to cry when he told me that he's hurt all the people he cares about (me, her, her husband). I'm glad I made the list (ha!). Even so, my husband absolutely does not cry, so this felt like the first little bit of true emotion and recognize for what he's done.

I wouldn't count on it. Finally, he's not getting his way and *that's* what hurts.

MrH has cried only a handful of times in the 22yrs we've been together. A couple have been after 2A. I honestly still don't think he gets it because he's simply too self focused to get it. It's more an uncomfortable feeling about himself that he doesn't know how to deal with than a true realization of the damage he's caused.

I'm sorry, but that's the vibe I'm getting from your WH and I'm pissed for you that he's willing to respect the OW and not you, the woman he chose to spend his life with.

Just wanted to post and say I understand what you are going through. My dday was 6 months ago. About a month later I checked the phone bill and found out my wife was still in contact with the OM. The next two days were the worst living hell I had ever experienced. It was unimaginable emotional pain from which there was no escape. When I confronted my wife and explained how badly it hurt me, the only thing she asked was whether the kids had seen me going through this. She didn't express remorse or concern for my wellbeing.

She committed to me that day to start promising NC on a daily basis, and she reported to me about NC every day. About a month later she sent a very clear NC letter to the OM. While there were some good signs, there were also bad signs, and my wife never really showed true remorse. I had various reasons to suspect that they might still be in contact, though I hoped with all my heart that it wasn't true. I made it very difficult for them to continue contact, and I continued increasing my surveillance. A month later I saw her car parked in his driveway. She had been lying to me almost every single day for two months.

No matter how good a person you believed your spouse to be in the past, an affair turns them into an addict that will say and do anything to keep the affair going. They will say and do things you wouldn't possibly imagine them ever saying or doing.

If you want R, continue to demand absolute NC for the rest of his life, and he must be willing to do whatever it takes to prove to you that NC is being strictly maintained. Never take his word for it. Always conduct your own surveillance to verify NC.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Set your boundaries. Stay strong. Above all, take care of yourself. You can come out of this a stronger, happier person whether your spouse chooses to join you or not.

[This message edited by endlessabsurdity at 6:31 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

Arnold01,

First off you are not an idiot or a fool or anything else. You just love your husband and want things to work between you. We have all been there.

When I got home yesterday WH told me about this entire exchange and showed me the emails. He told me he felt horrible and started to cry when he told me that he's hurt all the people he cares about (me, her, her husband). I'm glad I made the list (ha!). Even so, my husband absolutely does not cry, so this felt like the first little bit of true emotion and recognize for what he's done.

I'm not sure that he is crying because "what he's done." I think he is crying because it seems to be over with OW. At least for the time being. They left them selves an opening in case she can't fix things with her BS. Please don't read to much into his tears. I think if you do it could hurt you more later.

Please take care and stay on that 180. Good Job

Oh honey, he wasn't crying because he recognizes what he's done to you... He cried because he realized he had hurt his OW.

Sorry if that is harsh. I've been through this same thing- she's my friend, I can still talk to her and it is ok, you don't get to choose my friends, blah blah bullshit.

This. Does. Not. Work.

As we say, you are either all in or all out. He is cake eating all over you and in complete BS fog. Save yourself and 180. I kicked the Dooosh out after I realized he was choosing her "friendship" (aka continuing his affair) with her over the sanctity of our marriage vows.

Sorry. This doesn't look like he gets it At All.