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Sounds to me like she is helping her friend with some dirty talk.

Not sure what to think. But the fact that she didn't come to you and say hey this is what's going on with soinso, instead you have to stumble on it and only partial info, some of its been deleted? Nope rubs me wrong. She has a history of crappy boundaries, one of the main rules of R for 99% of us is NO MORE LIES EVER AGAIN.

I still say spy mode for a bit.

I would stay in stealth mode. She could have a Tracfone or similar and could be talking to someone secretly, then sharing those messages. It could explain why you don't have other messages on the ipad. Get a VAR for the car. My hubby got a tracphone so I never saw it coming, since it wasn't on the bill..

If you are on alert and don't know why and poked around and immediately found something, I would not dismiss it. Maybe it is her just giving advice to some female friend but without additional context that's speculation. If your wife never talks about this person at all to the point you don't even know her even after digging around... all that shit sets off alarms.

My wife had an affair before we had kids also, and we didn't really handle it right but tried to move forward. 15 years later.. well there you go. Most of that time I gave her privacy and felt guilty if I poked into her stuff. It wasn't until after dday that I realized there's no reason to feel guilty about looking through your wife's shit because there's no reason for her to keep any of that hidden. The question "Why does she not want me to see that" never, ever has a reasonable answer unless it's "to surprise me later" or something similar, IMO.

If you are worried about disrespecting her then talk to her and tell her that her behavior and attitude lately, as well as her hours, have made you feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Don't mention that you've been looking into her shit unless you are prepared for her to go into stealth mode.

Hope it's nothing but prepare for otherwise.

As to it going to a female? Perhaps the # is listed to a female, versus a male, to throw you off. Not an uncommon tactic

My first thought. Call from a payphone or a friends phone and see who answers the number.

It doesn't quite pass the trust test to me. All things added up...I would say go with your instinct.

Sorry.

I don't want to make this worse with this thought, but... could there be a slight possibility that this female "friend"... is more than just a friend? Has she ever had or mentioned bisexual thoughts or tendencies?

The "@#!$ on your @#!$" text doesn't make sense in that context... until you consider that they could be using, uh, toys. (I'm sorry for the image but there's just no other way to say it.)

I only mention this possibility because it's what happened to me - my XH ended up being involved in same-gender As and I never even suspected that it was possible.

Sorry you're here. I hope you find answers.

I am trying to figure out why that type of text would ever be appropriate, even between friends. A boundary has been crossed here and you are absolutely right in being suspicious. If this is a friend of hers that you don't even know, RED FLAG! Friends outside of the marriage should be friends of the marriage. Both of you need to know who each others friends are.

Sorry she put you in this position.

I agree that it's still a little weird. As for her having an affair w a woman, I find that incredibly unlikely.

Hopefully, I'll either know or have some piece of mind soon. I have a few toys in place. Time will tell.

Perhaps she is transgendered? She presents herself as a woman..but she still has male genitalia.

It's possible

ETA: She could be cheating with a woman. On dday I found out my WH cheated with a man. I was completely blindsided. I am not a stupid woman. There were never any signs that he was bisexual. None. But he did. And 3 years later..it still shocks me most days.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:49 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

I too support the 'wait and watch' plan. It's something I was never good at and regret now.

Another context to view the text in...

Could this woman and your wife just be gossiping about a mutual acquaintance? For example, "Yeah, he is a (fill in your own adjective). I bet he talks dirty to his wife saying things like...." and your wife has responded likewise with another supposed quote he might say to his wife.

It might be the continuation from a conversation IRL, hence the absence of a thread??

Yes it's lame and unpleasant to gossip but I would not see that as a threat to your relationship. Just a thought.

[This message edited by obliviousnownumb at 9:43 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

So maybe I jumped to conclusions. My various toys don't point to anything incriminating. So far so good. Please let me just be a jumping to conclusions fool.

I'm hoping your 'toy' shows the texts in between the two of them haha. Also you could just ask her? If nothing else is coming up, but don't mention her name.

"hey i overheard when I was picking the kids up from school two mums were talking about dirty sexy stuff they should send their parnters"

Do you do that?

etc etc

I think what's odd here though is you never hear her mention this woman's name. And she's having a conversation like *that* with someone she never mentions.

Maybe start by finding some way to get her to talk about this woman and see what their friendship is like? Do you know if the woman is married?