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(((((CG)))))

He didn't quit. To quit, there needed to be a commitment. He stopped trying out - because he realized he wasn't ready. I am willing to bet you a glass of wine that next year he will do the conditioning in order to be ready. That is IF soccer still holds his interest.

You have given him a huge gift. The gift of responsible choice. You helped him by discussing all the angles and accepted his decision and HIM with love, compassion and respect. And he now knows you will love him even when he makes choices you don't agree with. Unlike how he thinks his father will feel. But that is for dad to own.

You won't realize the foundation you laid in your relationship with DS until he is older. You've done well mamma. Be proud of yourself and him.

Hugs

K

The tears are because we are friends,

sitting around laughing at our sorrows,

there is a place I promise,

where this never ends.

I think my tears are where something touches something that is missing inside me.

My brain goes sideways too.

Have you seen my posting history or what?

It is when the deepest thing we need to see,

sees us.

And we're not ready to look that,

in the eye,

back.

It's nudging from an angel's wings I tell ya - now I know your eyes are wet from seein this written thing. One of the saving graces of SI that's not talked about alot is its ephemeral nature, we'll be on page 5 soon enough, but I feel like telling a story.

I puked. The same day I quit freshman football. At my 10 year HS reunion, someone stated; "I never understood why coach never started you on offense, he must've hated you."

It was my choice to quit (I ended up playing defense). I will always keep that comment in my pocket.

Keep this in yours.

(stop cryin and face this bitch)

You done good.

Am too harsh dear cg.

Cry away.

Oh care just saw this. Great words and friends here and that has something to do with the tears. Those of us - all of us here - have hurt more and lived more because of the pain. I think this causes the big emotions. The reaction to it is wanting to protect yourself.

You gave your son another lasting example of unconditional love that will last him a lifetime and counteract what he gets from his dad.

Don't doubt yourself and your decisions and actions. It's how we get through. And I promise you that you will one day get to a more peaceful place that doesn't hurt so much. When I figure out how I got here I'll give you the directions. But I do know you and your little guys are headed there.

[This message edited by rainagain at 9:10 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Your son had the skills and ability to voice his concerns and make a very adult decision--and he was able to do this because you taught him well and you gave him the resources that he needed.

Thank you. At some point in the discussion with him, I recognized that he was standing up for himself and defining how he felt and what he wanted. That it was not easy, made it an "adult" moment and I imagined the endless road of tough choices in front of him. THAT was when I knew I had to let him make this choice. In some ways it would have been easier to decide for him, to be the bad guy for making him do it, or to take away the angst by saying I thought he should quit. So to step back was hard for both of us.

I DO think there was that moment of realization that he is NOT my "little" boy anymore, but becoming quite a young man. And that is cry worthy for this mama!

You know, it wasn't on the calendar that this day was so momentous and important. All it said was soccer tryouts until 5pm.

K, I started to highlight and copy parts of your post, but it would be the whole thing. You have walked with me in wisdom and kindness for awhile now and I appreciate every syllable and moment. There is a difference between stopping trying and quitting and I will give him that because it might set a bit easier for him.

jj. As always. Thank you for the gift of your words and the way of them. (eta: Harsh? there was no comma so I assume the harsh was at the trouble. You are too dear to me to offend.)

ephemeral indeed. Sometimes I post because I muse. Sometimes I post because I must.

I am always amazed that the response seems to meet the need. I will be ok.

eta: rain, you always find me in the darkest moments. Thanks for the light of hope and directions would be great, but I suspect finding our own way is part of the directions anyway. Glad to see you as always.

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 9:23 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

((((CG))))

If Teslet turns out half as grounded and centered as your boys, I will count myself blessed. DS12 needed to make that decision about soccer. He needs to know that you are ok with him making the decision. You did that. You work with kids, you know how instrumental that is for them.

You are an amazing mom. I love your posts...they've helped me walk my own path.

You know...back in January, I went back to IC for a tune-up...went back to work through some work issues I was having. Ended up finding a piece of unfinished business from the betrayal. It was still there, just under the surface, until I had to say it out loud to another human. Balled my eyes out that day. But finally, I made the jump where I wasn't feeling like I was faking it anymore...like I finally gave myself permission to live *my* life.

Maybe there is something inside that just needs a voice so you can let it go.

I no longer know exactly what "it" is? But I do think that my reaction to all of this has become who I am. I don't know how to be other than this reactionary being. I can see emotionally bruised children and I can empathize and rationalize and GIVE my care to their situation. But I can't turn that on myself. And I can't accept it. When I get that level of care and kindness, praise and hugs... I FALL APART. Every time.

It's ok (for now) to give all that kindness and care to others, we have enough love and care to give to you. Being reactionary is a by product of dealing with the NPD in your life. Be careful, I think some of your talking with DS was more proactive than reactive.

You are a good person, you cared enough about him to ask our advice. How many other parents would dad ask? Then you LISTENED to the advice took what you thought would work and left the rest. Yeah I'm not going to bet that your XH will do that when faced with a similar issue. This was huge, it's hard to ask for help. You did it. That's what makes you an awesome parent-you're not afraid to ask for help in order to give your boys something you might not have seen. It makes you a better parent and your boys even more exceptional.

Self care and self nurture start with baby steps and maybe some angels to help along the way. The peeps on SI are angels. ...,

More hugs

K

Sometimes I wonder if I "need" Stretch to consistently prove how lousy a father he is to "justify" my continued anger with him... That is a dark truth from a place I don't look at inside of myself. Because that is so awful a thing to need, as I can see how his actions and his lack of attention to the boys hurts them. It is like hurting my own children by proxy.

I type that and I can see the flawed logic. He is who he is whether I hate him or not. The kids are hurt at his hands not mine and my frantic need to compensate for their hurt comes from this.

I don't have to hold him up as awful to be awesome... right? That is hard to type.

I listened to DS talk this out with his dad. That son of mine is a smart cookie. He calmly told dad that he didn't feel well today and missed tryouts. But that it was probably for the best because he'd been stressing over playing for two teams and he'd rather play on his dad's team. His dad humbly thanked him. Then DS talked about how much homework he has every night and the level of stress he was under and the subject was changed. Just like that. And his dad has no idea of the monumental milestone and struggle and moment of pride and growing up that happened here, in our home. He missed every bit of it and he doesn't even know enough to know he missed something.

Next week I have an IC appointment courtesy of the kids' therapist. He's bringing in a trauma specialist, some Domestic Violence guru that he thinks is really going to click with me. I think even the IDEA of THAT was a big part of yesterday's reaction. I have reread this entire thread sooooo many times. And I managed to leave that fact out until just now. huh.

I have also downloaded the song. I have been told to "breathe" by so many people so many times, it may have been written by someone who knows me!

tesla, what a nice compliment! You inspire me. The idea that you walk your path at all with my journey in your thoughts humbles me. I needed this and all of you.

Speaking from experience, it takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and allow ourselves to see and feel the pain. It is okay to show the children that you are struggling and having moments where the hard times are challenging you, because the kids then see you overcome them, and there is a valuable lesson in that.

Please don't mistake fear and tears and a lack of courage or strength. True strength comes from continuing even when we feel weak.

I was abused as a child, and my life has been a constant cycle of showing the world how amazing I was, hoping to stave of criticism and then the logical next step - hurt. In letting myself be human and flawed, I am learning that those that really love me will catch me when I fall and if I am alone I know I can take care of myself.

Oh, sweet CG, you are so strong. You are amazing! Caring, smart, intuitive, and damn funny! I second every compliment you've already received on this thread.

This therapist sounds really freakin awesome. I hope the trauma expert will be able to help you further.

I love the way your boy navigated the soccer issue with his dad, but I can imagine the amount of anxiety that he faced in preparation for the conversation.

Our poor kids are really stuck in the middle of a mess. They've got the traumatized NPD-survivor mom going into hyper-drive trying to make up for the fucktardness of the X. They have their own trauma wounds, and still have to deal with the NPD who continues to wound them. And as the therapist pointed out, they are doing a dance in the middle trying to keep everyone happy and not make waves. They are really in a unenviable position when you think about it.

I don't have to hold him up as awful to be awesome... right?

I love this. No, you can put him down now, CG. He'll prove himself to be awful regardless. You are awesome. Really.

Sometimes, I think that we are strong in ways that never occur to us. Clearly, one of your strengths is with communication-- some people can barely get their preteens to talk to them, let alone work through a difficult decision with them. You have a strength that many people wish they had.

(((CG)))

I usually avoid posting in threads that are mostly about relationships with kids since I don't have any and don't feel qualified to comment.

But I also always read them from the perspective of what was missing in my childhood from my parents and how much better off I would have been if I had had [insert thread topic here] in my life from them.

This is one of those threads. Those children of yours are fully aware that they are the most important thing to you. They know that you are solidly in their corner, always there to back them up and bail them out. And now it seems you've passed the hurdle where they know they can choose based upon their own felt needs and that you'll support that too. What a wonderful gift you are giving them. If this doesn't define what a mother's love should be, I don't know what does.

CG, if I go back in time, can you be my mom? It's just bittersweet to read all that you are doing and how deeply you feel about your responsibility as a mom. What a strong, boundary setting, no shit taking woman I would have been from the get go if I had had a presence like you in my life when I was a child.

((((caregiver9000))))

Sometimes I wonder if I "need" Stretch to consistently prove how lousy a father he is to "justify" my continued anger with him... That is a dark truth from a place I don't look at inside of myself. Because that is so awful a thing to need, as I can see how his actions and his lack of attention to the boys hurts them. It is like hurting my own children by proxy.

I type that and I can see the flawed logic. He is who he is whether I hate him or not. The kids are hurt at his hands not mine and my frantic need to compensate for their hurt comes from this.

I don't have to hold him up as awful to be awesome... right? That is hard to type.

No you don't. I used to think the same. Then I started thinking about parenting my kids, and I am grateful they came to me preprogrammed the way they were. I think they guided me to be the best possible parent I could be for them. they certainly taught me a few things. I don't think I am an awesome mom, but I do have awesome kids-they get the credit for navigating the NPD father and divorce crap that's been thrown onto their life's path. I can give suggestions,directions, and even in some cases remove them from the path(for a time)- but they alone walk it.

Your awesomeness comes from raising and loving those awesome kids you have. You can be flawed and still be awesome.

The Chinese used to repair cracked porcelain pots (typing cracked pots just seemed wrong ) and fill those cracks with gold. The pot was stronger with the gold. Much like we talk about scar tissue on the NPD thread. It is stronger. YOU are stronger.

Being a student of NPD ( and if you lived with one, you were a student no matter how unconsciously). You were tuned into his moods so you or the kids wouldn't set him off. you not only navigated the eggshells, you did what you could to stop the duck muppet from creating more! From that You have learned to be in tune with your kids, That skill will serve you well as you navigate the teen years.

Sending you light, love, and

Hugs,

K

[This message edited by Kajem at 9:33 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

I feel quite a bit better today. More stable.

I certainly feel blessed and humbled by the overwhelming support from this SI family.

cayc....

CG, if I go back in time, can you be my mom? It's just bittersweet to read all that you are doing and how deeply you feel about your responsibility as a mom.

I had moved past crying at every kind word, but this comment got me but good. This may very well be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. (((hugs))) I wish I could go back in time and hug that little girl and tell her what a confident kick ass woman she'd become.

The Chinese used to repair cracked porcelain pots (typing cracked pots just seemed wrong ) and fill those cracks with gold. The pot was stronger with the gold.

Thank you. For the crack pot giggle and the reminder that cracks can be filled. I think many of you are the gold.

(((cg))) I hope you realize you are far stronger than you give yourself credit for. I also hope you know that doesn't mean you have to be wonder woman, or never have a bad day, or never doubt yourself. It just means you have to be you.

If you haven't checked it out, and need a little inspiration every now and again, take a look at bravegirlsclub.com.

Sometimes it hurts more just before another leap in progress happens.

I hope today is a good day for you.

Sometimes it hurts more just before another leap in progress happens.

Well, if that isn't optimism I don't know what is?!?!

I got enough sleep finally. So today has been less physically weary, but my head is tired and my heart is tired.

The boys are with their dad so it is quiet and I have been very thoughtful. I am now MAKING myself go out, to be with people, for a few hours.