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You need to file for divorce and put this madness behind you. Your ex is still with the OW. Probably has more drama now since some random chick is reaching up out to you. He clearly isn't thinking about you since he wouldn't even pick up your call.

Fuck him.

For for divorce.

End this chapter.

I hate that he has pulled me into this life.

He didn't pull you back in.

But I'm still going to want to vomit every time I think of breaking NC. I hadn't broken it since May! AAAARRRRGGGG!!!! Let this be a lesson, kids...

Take 2 asprin, block your STBXH on your telephone, and file the divorce papers.

He's taking vacations on our anniversary... yet he can't be bothered to pay back a loan he took from my family,

The loan is between your father and your STBXH.

File for Divorce!!!

(((PhantomLimb)))

[This message edited by ladies_first at 11:26 AM, September 13th (Friday)]

I hate this, but I'm worried that he's going to find out that I confirmed the A with this person and hate me.

God... why do I care so much? I guess I feel like I want him to remember me as someone who loved him and didn't deserve this. Not someone who sabotaged him...

I hate this, but I'm worried that he's going to find out that I confirmed the A with this person and hate me.

I understand how you feel. I too cared if ex hated me. When I started to accept that Ex is a spineless POS with no conscience, I no longer cared. If a horrible excuse for a human doesn't like you, so what? That's a good thing as people like that only "like" those they can use and abuse!

(((Phantom)))

If it was another OW, I hope she's an angry, vindictive, bunny boiling, lunatic who will make your WH's and his other OW's lives a living hell.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 2:16 PM, September 13th (Friday)]

(((PhantomLimb)))

My shoulda/coulda/woulda anniversary is also the 12th. Yesterday would have been 26 years. And for the first time I felt nothing.

Be kind to yourself.

I'm worried that he's going to ... hate me. ...I feel like I want him to remember me as someone who loved him and didn't deserve this.

You can't control his feelings.

You never could control his feelings (if you could, there would be no need for a place like Surviving Infidelity.)

“There are no happy endings.

And a very happy start.”

~Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It

[This message edited by ladies_first at 2:56 PM, September 13th (Friday)]

I hate this, but I'm worried that he's going to find out that I confirmed the A with this person and hate me.

God... why do I care so much? I guess I feel like I want him to remember me as someone who loved him and didn't deserve this. Not someone who sabotaged him...

At this point my IC would give me that look she gets when I say something incredibly muddled. You know the one where they look at you over the top of their glasses, shaking their head good-naturedly? That look?

That's the look I'm giving you now.

Okay, so let's run with this. Let's say he finds out you've spilled the beans. Is what you said true? Yes, it is. So nothing's changed there. Would he be finding out something about himself he doesn't already know? Of course not.

Does he love & adore you? No, he doesn't. In fact, he's made great deliberate effort to hurt you & set things in motion that have destroyed your life. So truthfully, it doesn't matter if he hates you. He can't do anything worse to you. He isn't a wizard, his hating you won't magically turn into some evil spell that will fly to your house & peck your eyes out. His hatred isn't going to hurt you.

You're afraid he's going to think you sabotaged him? And how would you do that? By telling someone the truth about him? So, speaking the truth about the true things he's done is harmful to him?

Isn't that twisted logic? Isn't it true that HE did these things? So he's done this to himself? All you did was have a conversation. You didn't reach out to this woman, she reached out to you. No matter who she is, she came after you and asked for this information. You haven't sabotaged him at all.

In fact, he is the one who sabotaged you. He is the liar. He is the cheater. You're the survivor.

You cannot manage someone's thoughts & memories. You're only in charge of yourself. You MUST let go of the notion that you have any power. What he thinks of you is completely irrelevant to you & your life.

Get him out of your head, Hon.

End of the Day Update: I went to see my IC and reviewed everything here.

He told me he's actually happy that I called WS because he said it shows I'm human. He said that the way I've maintained NC, gone faithfully to IC, tried to rebuild my life by taking all of the correct steps in systematic order, etc etc was admirable and impressive but "not sustainable." We talked about how the fact he didn't answer or respond-- and the fact that I wasn't shaken by that-- shows that there was some benefit to doing it. I got something off of my chest, was measured and mature about it and his reaction (or lack thereof) gives me confirmation of where he's at and that helps me move forward and file.

As for this woman calling, he agrees something is fishy. All my friends do as well. They say that she's too invested and anxious about something. Whether it's on the negative or positive side for WS, it sort of doesn't matter. It's enough to know that I want to take a giant step back.

And we're going to keep working on this idea that I care what he thinks of me. There's a lot there and a lot of things it could mean. He suggested we not over analyze it or try to "solve" it -- but keep it out there as something peculiar that keeps coming up for me that we have to keep an eye on as I deal with all of this loss. (But your advice, Nature, is well-taken).

That woman just texted me a few mins ago. I guess I must have mentioned the story about the dog peeing on WS (I guess I'll tell a perfect stranger if you give me 5 mins... but, I mean, come on, who wouldn't. She's been sending me memes about dogs peeing on stuff with smiley faces, telling me she'll call in a little while.

I'm not going to answer tonight. I want to tell her that I appreciate her support, but I'm not comfortable discussing this further. But I'm tired and not up for the mental and emotional energy that is going to take. Again, I just want to take a huge step back from the whole thing.

IC says to strap in and prepare myself in case WS finds out that I confirmed everything and begins raging at me again. He also said be prepared for him to go on the offense and begin telling people I'm a liar or something to that effect.

But this is such a strange development. Hard to get my mind around. She must be an OW or something along those lines. Whatever she is, she's too eager.

Sounds like you have an excellent IC.

Friends had been calling and emailing all day. A bunch of them had surprised me with a vacation to a B&B on the coast. When I got back home, they had a dinner party set up for me with presents, including a hard cover book they had bound filled with messages they had written about how much they loved me and their favorite memories of me, gift certificates for new clothes and a spa day, framed photos, etc.

May I suggest you devote 100% of your attention to your friends at home ... and 0% energy to STBXH and anonymous emails from people "whom I had never met or spoken to before."

Have a great weekend!

My IC is pretty great. I wish I could tell you guys his name, too. It's hilarious.

That woman just called and left a message. She's persistent. I'll give her that.

Whatever she is, she's too eager.

She's persistent.

Yes, that is the crux of why this just isn't sitting right. And, now I am getting creeped out by her, too. How about you, PL?

Well, here is one thing about this that I hadn't put together until today:

You guys might remember that WS hired one of my good friends as his secretary in the Spring. She's quit the job and is coming home at the end of her contract... but she's out there.

I looked at this woman's FB page and she is friends with my friend and with the other woman in the office WS hated and used to tell me was insane (the "Cabin Lady" for those of you who remember that WS stayed in a cabin with this person last summer during a training session and lied to me about it).

She is not friends with WS on FB. She professes that they are friends (and that she was texting him on our anniversary) etc etc. But not to the point that that connection has been made.

I understand that that's a minor thing all things considered-- but the sort of conflict here is that I know my friend who is out there is a good person. She's professional. She's got a good head on her shoulders. She's obviously discreet (she knows about the A and she evidently didn't spill it).

I've come to suspect that the other coworker WS hated and lied about is fundamentally a good person-- a little nutty-- but a decent person. And she was just promoted over WS's head (which definitely must have chapped his behind).

So it does seem on the face of it that this woman is a good witch and not a bad witch. But who knows...

But, yes, my gut tells me to be creeped out. Beyond her being too eager... if WS is her friend... she is awfully quick to believe me and take my side. It's a little strange.

I've thought about contacting my friend and asking her what she thinks of this girl-- but we made a promise to one another that I wouldn't get her involved and she wouldn't tell me what she's witnessing out there.

i can't read all these responses.

I'm imagining my psychologist shaking her head here and saying, "Just WHY are we still having this conversation? WHY are you so focused on this woman that you don't know - and the man who treated you so poorly?"

I know this is all new. And so DRAMATIC. It sounds like you are surrounded by fabulous and supportive friends, and that soon you'll be able to sit back and take a deep breath and be so thankful that this sort of unpleasant, scary, mysterious, threatening drama is out of your life.

The only way to get there is NC with all of this stuff.

But you already know that!

After I finally asked my STBX to leave, I compiled a list of more than a dozen situations like this that occurred with women throughout my marriage. Most were not as dramatic as this - they ranged from a secretary that insisted that I take a look/pay my STBX's cellphone bills, to a woman who emailed me at my work email address and told me that she was having a S&M affair with my husband and was pregnant with my child.

So I've heard it all. On the other side of this MESS, you are going to find peace and safety and light and love. NC is your key to all of that, I swear!!!

Oh, and I really wouldn't get your friend involved in this any more. It's her job and she needs to stay neutral and professional!

If I may point this out, I think that you're missing the golden nugget in the pile of shite that has piled up.

All of your friends called you, made a book to tell you how much you were loved, and did their best to support you, distract you, and comfort you on a painful day. You were loved, upheld, and supported.

Who gives a flying rat's patookie what's going on where he lives? You know that he's screwing around and lying like a sad 60's shag rug. You know that he's not worth spitting on. So why give him any more head space and deep -six his pathetic ass?

Get out of the drama. Send the drama lama back to it's cage. Focus on YOU and get the heck out of this marriage. (((hugs)))

Honestly, I felt overwhelmed by my friends. I told my IC that I felt a little like I was attending my own funeral. When anyone said something loving or supportive, I couldn't help but think about what the day was and that the one person who should have been saying those things to me wasn't there.

The book is still in my car. I haven't even read it.

I feel so ungrateful.

I've called them all and thanked them, nonetheless. Cards will follow.

I asked my family to call the L this morning while I was at IC... so I'm doing what I have to. I continue to move forward.

As more and more time goes on and this crazy crap happens-- I agree that I don't feel right about it and I need to distance myself. I am.

At the same time, the more time passes the more and more I just feel sad. Sad. And I don't understand. And I that's it. There's an acceptance in just saying "I don't get it and I loved him and this is a waste and I'm so sad with out him." When that comes up for me, I'm just trying to hold on until it passes.

Tell your friend (OW current or past for sure!) that you appreciate her support but you have more than enough IRL and you are well on your way to healing so don't wish to discuss it further with anyone.

And maybe that you hope OW doesn't get the genital herpes STBXWH caught off those hookers in Vegas.....

OK that last bit probably isn't helpful. Funny as hell though.

He said that the way I've maintained NC, gone faithfully to IC, tried to rebuild my life by taking all of the correct steps in systematic order, etc etc was admirable and impressive but "not sustainable."

Why isn't it sustainable?

^^ Because we're human. Nobody gets it 100% right from the get-go. Falling is an important part of learning to walk, then run, KWIM?

Exactly. He thinks that I get preoccupied with "fixing" things and wanting/needing a tidy and healing ending. I'm also a bit of a perfectionist, so he thinks it's important that I can do something that is technically a strategic misstep and not beat myself up over it.

And my message was pretty neutral, all things considered. It's not like I called raging or sobbing.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:05 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]