Great great great topic guys! The posts and information on this subject is exactly why I'm not saving my marriage and just letting go. I WANT to stay married to the REAL her, but this messed up personality/behavior/character can only be fixed by the one who carries it. If she REALLY wanted my help with FULL remorse, of course I'd give it a shot. But right now, that's not her. Fixing or saving a marriage when one or both parties just need to work on things and forgive, etc etc....ok, fine. But with a PD...now that's a whole different ball-game. I have accepted the fact that she needs to hit a point in her life where SHE needs to come to terms with this "problem". Whether it takes months, years, or decades, I'm sure at some point, she'll come full circle. well, maybe. All I know is I was great to her in marriage/friendship/love and now the blinders are slowly coming off of me and understanding her PDs, low esteem, etc. It was NOTHING I alone could "fix" . This brings me some peace when letting go. It was that damn vow of "better or worse, sickness and health" that made me feel like I had to try anything and hang on over the years. But, in reality, letter her go IS helping her! No more Jackfish being 10 feet away to solve everything, enable her, no more blame, or walking on eggshells. That person 10 feet away everyday is the enemy you know! ;)
Letting go of a a person with PD IS a type of therapy for them, I guess.
As I've said in other posts, I do still and always will love, unconditionally, the "buried deep inside" person I knew from time to time. But this "thing" that has possessed her now, the two of them need to do battle.
Interesting story (PD related). Recently, my FIL told me his ex (my deceased MIL) did similar stuff (around 40ish) and left him (adultery too) and lived with OM for several years. I knew OM when he was with my MIL, and after awhile, he had enuf of MIL and they split. MIL was an alc-y and eventually died (alone) from it, but she too was narcissistic and had PD's...BigTime!. The interesting thing, and the point of this paragraph is, the FIL told me that after MIL and OM split, FIL and MIL met and spent some casual time together, roughly 10 years after their split (I did not know this, lol). She told him that "leaving him was a mistake", and she apologized for it! FIL told me he/she wanted to get back together cuz they still loved each other, but she was also a bad alcoholic and FIL instinctively knew better. Not just the alcohol, but try trusting a messed up late 40s alc-y! Amazing that the "buried deep inside" person (sober) in the MIL told her Ex this.
Sadly, it's deja-vu here for wife and I, but at least she's not an alcoholic. Early life esteem and events DO have an affect on adults too folks.
Have to Edit to add this: Once the Fantasy of her and Loser wears off, oh to be a fly on the wall when he gets all of her baggage, etc. It may take awhile, but I know she'll display it all at her finest. Maybe he'll be a sucker like me! But gees, can she continue to pull this crap till she's in her Golden Years???
[This message edited by jackfish at 1:34 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]