SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Aah, yes, one of my favorite fantasies! I would give him half and be gone.

I would give her half and then D her.

Room for 1 more on that cruise?...

I would stay.

I am already separated...so I'd hide the cash...get a fast D and find me an island, my toes in the sand and a very sexy cabana boy serving me all day!

My friend told me this joke today: "Honey! I won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

spouse, "Should I pack for the mountains or for the beach?"

lotto winner, " Who cares? Just get the hell out!"

I find myself daydreaming about being on a cruise WITH him (maybe a Danube barge cruise) so I guess I'm staying. I didn't win though so I can't test out this theory YET.

Let me preface this post by saying that I imagine many of the posters who said they would split (especially the ones that would split with glee!) do not have WSes that visit SI and are not viewed favorably by their BS.

That being said, if winning the lottery would lead you to leave your M, and you mean it, then just go now. No, I don't know everyone's situations. In some cases it may be difficult. Money makes the world go 'round. But if life is that bad in your M, no WS wants their BS to stick around because they can't afford to leave, at least not the healthy ones. Find a way out. Money shouldn't be the driving factor. I'd rather live on Ramen noodles in a one bedroom than have my BW stay because she felt she HAD to.

I'm sure I'll take a beating for saying that, but honestly, I just had to.

Money is a factor, I would give him half and I don't mind eating top ramen but don't want my kids to.. its hard to.split zero or I would be gone.

I'd be gone by this evening, & I would NOT give him half, since he has been so controlling about money all these years

I'm with trulysad, protect the money and stay. Sadly, that's how my lottery fantasy goes. Its been almost three years and at this point if we divorced it wouldn't be about money or even the affair, it would be about two people who just couldn't make it work.

TTMU, I can't leave. I cannot legally pack up my kids and move them to a new home (not that I have a dime to do that with even if it was legally possible), nor can I kick my husband out of his home. There are requirements you must meet to even file, none of which I meet at the moment.

Cheating would have worked, but because he led me to believe true R was possible, we've had sex since discovery, so in the eyes of the law, I've 'forgiven' him and 'condoned' the behavior and can no longer use that. While I say he's abusive (and they now allow mental/emotional abuse to count as abuse, it's beyond difficult to prove and actually use as grounds to file, much less kick them out. We don't have legal separation here, just Limited Divorce and the requirements for that are even more stringent. To file for even that, I have to have been separated for 1 year, but I can't leave and take my kids, so I'm forced to live our 1 year of separation in the same home.

For that (LD) I have 2 options:

1) Tell him my intentions (Openly state, preferably in writing, that I have moved out of the marital bed, no more sex, minimal interaction, no cooking for him, or buying his groceries or driving together to soccer, for the express purpose of filing for divorce after two years/Limited Divorce after one year.). Awesome right? I'm sure my emotionally/mentally PA abusive husband who blames all of life's problems on me will take that well, not to mention, OMG my poor little boys living this hell for one year?!

2) NOT openly tell him my intentions for doing all of that for one year and then file for a LD. Unlike him, I'm not a very good liar so this would never happen, I could not play that mind f*ck game for a whole year. And if I did, it could hurt me TERRIBLY when it comes to spousal support. The don't give a hoot who did what as far as the divorce, but they DO take infidelity, abuse and desertion into account when determining SS. IF I had had a clue (God why didn't I see an attorney years ago?!?) I would have known not to have sex with him, and I would have made out better in SS because he cheated! Flip side? Constructive Desertion: Willful refusal of sex, without just cause and nonperformance of other marital duties as to practically destroy the home life. The denial of sex alone does not constitute desertion. The spouse also has to stop carrying out the mutual responsibilities of the marital relationship. if I don't inform him of exactly why I'm 'willfully refusing sex' (which thanks to condoning the infidelity I no longer have just cause) and have 'stopped carrying out the mutual responsibilities of the marital relationship, he can counter that I am guilty of Constructive Desertion, which can SCREW me on SS!

Basically, this damn state has me between a rock and a hard place, choosing between 4 evils. I can leave without my kids, stay and suck it up, inform him and be abused, lie and get screwed.

Look, I'd love to live in fantasy land where money doesn't matter a bit, but the reality is I'm only 37 years old and I need to take care of myself and 4 little boys for a very long time. I was a single mother with my oldest (now 19 and moved out), I KNOW the realities. That was hard, but it was one child, I had a job, no debt, was young and hard working and motivate as hell, we didn't have a charmed life, but we made due, weren't abused, and basically happy. Now? I haven't worked in almost 9 years and have ZERO chance of scoring a job that would cover even child care. I HAVE to get enough from the divorce in the form of SS to cover monthly bills AND help cover child care while I either rebuild my resume with a job/jobs and/or put me through school so I can provide for all of us when the SS stops. We are buried in debt and under water in our house, so we'll walk away filing B; SS is all I have to work with, I can't risk messing that up.

We could of course draw up a SA, go our separate ways for 1 year and file, this is what I want to do, but he doesn't agree! Unfortunately, not all WS/FWS agree with this statement:

But if life is that bad in your M, no WS wants their BS to stick around because they can't afford to leave

It's like you said, that quote applies to the healthy ones...but if I was married to a healthy one, I wouldn't want to leave

The laws make this already horrific situation almost impossible to overcome.

Didn't mean to t/j, jeez I can be long winded, lol.

I don't think $ factors too much in whether someone chooses D over M, but it can play a huge part in when and how someone chooses to leave. For me, it might mean I could take my kids and move out. It would allow me to do so in such a way that it would make it very difficult for my H to claim desertion or come after me in a custody hearing for 'interfering with his relationship with them'/child kidnapping. How messed up that we're forced to deal with this sordid crap because they can't own their sh*t and won't let us move on!

Thinking I need to start buying some Powerballs, winning wouldn't solve my problems but it sure wouldn't hurt either

I'm sure I'll take a beating for saying that, but honestly, I just had to.

TTMU, I wanted to add, no beating from me! Being one of the 'healthy' ones is no reason for anyone to attack you. Your logic is spot on, just doesn't apply to the Illogical Ones that too many of us are dealing with.

NO!

I'd rather live on Ramen noodles in a one bedroom than have my BW stay because she felt she HAD to.

And that's your perogative. But I'd rather have health insurance, which I wouldn't have had if I left. I'd rather not become a burden on my children as I age. Those things are much more important to me than than my husband, the cheater. Now, he could walk out tomorrow and those things would happen, but for me to make those choices? I don't think so.

We all have different priorities.

ETA: And your BW should take into consideration your feelings if you were the cheater. Give me a break.

[This message edited by Skye at 8:19 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

if winning the lottery would lead you to leave your M, and you mean it, then just go now.

This is my philosophy and I did D my first H when I had no money, and three young kids to care for. I was going to college and had to work to make ends meet, when I had been mostly a SAHM during our 13 year marriage. My youngest was only three when we split.

There is no way winning the lottery would change my mind. In my current M, just reading another thread going on here has made me appreciate my H more than ever. His A was 7 years ago and he is extremely remorseful and I do believe he learned his lesson. I am not one who wants to be alone and single, and I believe my chances of getting cheated on again in this life are much lower with my current H than they would be if I started out with somebody new and got remarried somewhere down the road. The thing is even when my H did cheat, it was because he fell for the ego stroking and escape from some of the bad things happening in our lives at that time. He learned from it and it won't happen again, no matter what the circumstances.

But the other thread I am referring to is one where men are asked if it is normal for them to think about every attractive woman they see as a potential sex partner, even if they don't "act on it." Well some of those men "believe" it is normal and in fact will say that a man is either "lying or dead" if he says otherwise. I don't care whether those men believe "all" men are the way they are themselves, but the fact that quite a few men seem to admit to being this way themselves, and even if they are the BS and did not "act on" these impulses, well that is not the kind of man I want when I KNOW there is at least one man out there who is not like that. My H is extremely into me. At age 57, he can't keep his hands off me, tells me I'm gorgeous and sexy every single day, and I've been with him 18 years. I know what it is like to be with a man who views women as sexual conquest (my XH) and one who is not like that, and he would not be able to hide this or successfully lie about it without me seeing through the lies, for 18 years. I I will stick with what I have. I feel I am a very lucky woman, but would be even luckier if we won the lottery and could quit our jobs and have even more fun together every day than we already do.

It sure would help me to sort out my feelings. Sometimes I don't know if I am here because I want to be or out of necessity.

I am with manup.

I am kinda offended by some of the posts on (not to start anything just my perspective) here, a lot of you say you cannot leave because of money issues, and what that would do to your kids??? What about living in a fake loveless fucking marriage??? What kind of example are you showing your children here??? How in holy fuck is that healthy for them??? Children learn from their parents, and as much as it sucks they grow up to be almost mirror images of their parents. You are showing them that money is more important than a healthy loving caring relationship and that it is alright for them to get walked all over or be the shitty other half if the relationship??? I am sorry but FUCK THAT NOISE!!!

I don't stay with my wife because I am afraid of the end game, I stay because I whole heartedly LOVE my wife, and yes, she broke my heart and it hurt worse than anything I have ever experienced before in my life, but I still love her. If I didn't, I wouldn't stick around and live a miserable existence and show my kids it's is ok to just roll over and die. There are ways to make everything work, and money should never ever be a driving factor in your choice to stay or go. In my mind that is false R!!!

Once again just my thoughts.

[This message edited by Stillkicking at 8:44 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

ETA: And your BW should take into consideration your feelings if you were the cheater. Give me a break.

I don't recall saying that.

Money is a factor, I would give him half and I don't mind eating top ramen but don't want my kids to.. its hard to.split zero or I would be gone.

This is why I avoided a generalization, as well as stating that I know everyone's situation is different. And really, as a WS, my implication was that I would live on Ramen noodles so my BS and children wouldn't have to.

All that being said, money doesn't solve everything, but for us it would clear up our biggest challenges; eliminate our debt, escape from COW, new house away from from our crappy neighbors (we live in a semi-detached, so they're even closer than most)... We have a lot to work out, but it would be a lot nicer to do it in comfort!

I would probably divorce.