SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have friends whose husbands go to them and some of them are OK with it, some not. However, if it's something that your wife doesn't want you to do, you shouldn't do it. Period.

If your spouse feels like it's a betrayal, then it's a betrayal. I'm big on the boiling a frog approach. Maybe men don't go into there thinking that they're going to physically stray, but it certainly happens.

My niece was an exotic dancer and I know a lot of what went on wasn't what she went to work to do. It just kind of goes that way. :( She's really turned her life around, is married now, teaching, and has two beautiful girls. She's a wonderful mother and she hates that she spent part of her life like that. I think it's part of why she's such a damn good mother. She certainly doesn't want that life for her daughters.

I wasn't ever bugged by strip clubs until I had 3 daughters.

Then I realized the men who hang out there are people just like my WH -- fathers, husbands...

It makes me sick to think about a bunch of men oogling over one of my girls.

Can't stand the concept of them now!!

I have mixed feelings on the subject...

As a married woman I find them disgusting and it bothers me that my WH felt the need to frequent strip clubs. I don't like the idea of random women rubbing their bodies on my H and him coming home covered in God knows what...that's nasty. However, I have to admit there were times where I was relieved to know he was out in a club and not doing something else inappropriate...that is a sad state of affairs on my part and unacceptable but it's the truth. I'm not fond of porn either but I'd rather have him home than out and about; our agreement was that I didn't want to see/hear it, and he has respected that and actually thrown out a lot of his old videos and magazines (though I know he still watches it online). I've reached a point now that I feel like he needs to cut out the clubs completely because he clearly doesn't know how to behave himself (correction: CHOOSES not to behave himself) when placed in tempting situations. I don't think he's ever done anything with a stripper because he thinks they're 'beneath him' (yet he'll pay to see them; go figure), but being his judgment has gotten worse over the years God only knows what slippery slope he might be headed down.

Your spouse's view on whether or not strip clubs are cheating is really the only opinion that counts.

I don't like them my H says he doesn't like them. I am the WS and I'm curious if my H is now frequenting places like this to stick it to me without me knowing.... Wait...what? what happened I blacked out haha. No I'm not a fan if my H decided to start frequenting these places for jollies it would be a problem.

The ex-stripper did it out of necessity while she was in a rough point in her life. It caused her harm. She has lived with shame ever since.

I think this is rare. Of course I have not done studies on thousands of ex-strippers to know for sure, but have talked to some, and my H has talked to some, and it seems to me even though they are "ex" strippers, they go far to defend the profession as just dancing and necessity. But the ones I know can't get enough of flaunting themselves, flirting, sexual comments to men for attention, etc.

One that worked at my H's place of employment was an ex stripper with a Master's Degree and she was a single mom raising a child. And of course she did it for the money to get through school (according to her).

The only problem is not only was there no shame and embarassment, she took every opportunity she could to tell people she did that in the past. Her teenaged son knew it too and she saw no problem with letting him know. Everyone at work knew and so did all the adult students (an adult technical school).

And later she got pregnant and would not tell anyone who the father of her baby was (my guess is she probably didn't even know). My H thinks it was one of the male students at the school where they worked.

My XH used to convince me this was a "normal" guy thing and there were a few times I knew he went and didn't have a problem with it. But I later learned that my XH was a prostitute addict and I have also learned more about what goes on at that those places and I definitely find them disgusting and my H knows it is beyond any question I would not tolerate him going to one.

I guess my real question is why waste your money when you can pay your wife she can dress up all skanky, she will be your object for the night, and you get to have sex with her as much as you want with no cheating, no bad feelings. I would rather get my H's $ and ogling than another woman.

Ouch. My XH didn't pay me for dressing up skanky but the memories when he wanted me to dress like a hooker make me ILL! (And it still didn't stop him from paying real hookers. I could never disrepsect myself to do any disgusting thing he wanted with no regard for my own needs, and pretend he was the greatest stud on earth; I absolutely believe they did that and he believed them...that he was the greatest stud ever).

My current H does not like strip clubs. He has been "with the guys" in his single days and he did not respect the women and thought they were gross and told some of them that, and got thrown out two different times in his life. (not for touching or anything like that, but for telling them they needed to do something else in life and that was not respectful, and they didn't even "look that good." Yes he told them that, and worse.

Maybe some would condemn him for that too, but when he laughs about it, I laugh too. I learned many years ago, if I want others to respect me, I have to respect myself first. I live by that. And I don't feel obligated to respect women who don't respect themselves. In my view that definitely includes strippers and prostitutes.

Do I have some pity for the backgrounds that might have led them there? Well to some extent, yes, but I hold all adults accountable for who they are and the choices they make in their current lives, regardless of their background and childhoods. I know my my XH's background and childhood is what ruined him as well, but I still divorced him and have no regrets about doing so.

BS here...but this is a common issue for all men. Society does allow this more then ever. My view has totally changed on this and pornography since my DD. My wife was even believing such societal views on this type of behavior. Its not strip clubs, but I have gone out on business functions to restaurants that use scantily clad waitresss to serve the meal...it is in the same vein as strip clubs minus lap dances. And I thought it is just what guys do...was not harmful as no sex was taking place...just guys hanging out.

It really degrades your soul and affects all of your life. I can tell you from personal experience my journey away from pornography is like I am a new person.

My husband has never been to one, wish I could say the same about my sons.

This is a temptation almost exclusively for men. Visiting with my wife on this...it is my opinion that women just don't really grasp the temptation it is...don't fully grasp how drawn our eyes are to women every day. I don't believe women are wired that way...thank goodness because look how ugly most men are! Seriously though....just because men don't get hard and cum doesn't me they don't enjoy looking....men are wired to look. It takes much more work to bounce your eyes and not look. Just because something comes natural doesn't mean it is right. It appears via the female responses to this post that I am correct in stating most women cant comprehend how the male brain works. I know it seems stupid and childish and fruitless...and it is all of those things...but it still is real.

We have young daughters...will find ways to educate them. Our concern right now is about our puberty entering nephews. Todays technology makes porn as easy to find as the Lego site. I got a hold of porn via my dads stash when I was their age....I was ill equipped to deal with it, but knew I enjoyed looking at it. it felt good but was so bad...just didn't know.

A bit of a soap box...sorry about that.

I cry almost daily....at first over my wifes choice to commit adultery....now those tears are also from the sadness of my own actions within our marriage.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:41 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

My wife knew I watched porn, watched some with me even. She too thought it was okay and not cheating.

I see similar woman posting that attitude on here.

I am not all-knowing...but wonder if these women would be willing to do a trial of sorts. Ask their men to stop viewing all porn for 30 days...only sexual gratification came from time spent with you.

This was a first step for me. After 30 days I felt like a new person. After 4 months it is amazing!

I should say I did this on my own...my wife was okay with the idea, but not overly supportive or negative either. So commitment level has something to do with it...but think it would still be a good experiment to do.

What could you loose...its just 1 month.

I don't know how to quote but I agree completely with Blakesteele. My husband read Every Man's Battle and he has become a completely new man. No porn for 6 months and he said he never thought he'd be able to. We don't even watch movies with nudity in them.

I just don't like strip clubs at all- I have no problem with them existing (I won't picket!) but I walked in one on a stag weekend with a load of mates- lasted about 5 seconds and had to leave- I think they're seedy.

Sorry that's just my opinion although I'm not sure how helpful it is!

I think when it comes to strip clubs, lap dancers, porn, whatever- husbands/wives should be consulted and listened to.

I have read "50 Sheds of Grey" and thought it was brilliant. I don't think I'm the intended demographic for "50 Shades of Grey"!

from a woman--they are gross.

My H was taken to one once and did whatever they do there I guess. But it was a job meeting there. What i don't get is why any business is conducted in this type of place? Its gross. how that jobs expect men to go these places. now this was early on in our marriage. The second time he was taken there...he backed out of it...and soon after he was fired.

There is pressure from the guy world to go to these types of places to fit in at work and it shouldn't be this way.

I was never a wife that minded porn or strip clubs pre-A as long it was done in moderation and not used as a crutch. What I didn't know, is that my H and his very professional coworkers from his last job had frequented strip clubs which included lap dances more times than I had ever known. After a MC session, my H admitted to me that he was even propositioned by a very young lap dancer, and being funny, he tried negotiate the price!! He never left or had sex with her - it was supposedly hilarious to his male coworkers - I didn't find it funny at all! In fact - I actually jumped out of the slow moving car after he admitted that fact - not my smartest move as I still have a scar on my left knee.

I also want to add and show what kind of pleasing wife I once was. On my Hs 40th birthday, we were out with another couple and my H asked me (a few times that night) to go with him to a strip club and have a lap dance by a chick so that he could watch. Being that accomading wife I once was, I gave in and did so. It was probably one of the most humiliating and uncomfortable things I have ever done and I am no prude! I now happy to report (scarcasm) that I know what it is like to be brought back into that dark, red lit room where multiple men were getting lap dances all around me - lots of girating and grinding went on while I sat frozen and embarrassed! My H thought, at that time, it was the hottest thing everrrrr!! Lucky him!

I look back and realize that my H in his last VP job was involved in a culture of corrupt morality. It wasn't a big deal to these men to engage in this kind of behavior especially when traveling - they deserved the party atmosphere because they worked soooo very hard and earned it!! I see now how my Hs past pre-dday behavior coupled in with his own FOO issues could lead him down that slippery slope of betrayal. For my H, looking back now makes him cringe, especially knowing that these girls were close to our son's age (he didn't think about that fact while engaging in that behavior.). He also sees how visitng these establishments support a culture of degrading and objectifying women - especially since he now has a 17 year old daughter of his own!

My H now works at a newer job that is totally professional - he is the Director of a department and can't even imagine bringing his coworkers to strip clubs. I guess it takes hitting rock bottom and breaking my heart to learn a thing or two...funny how that happens!

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 11:32 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

I am not all-knowing...but wonder if these women would be willing to do a trial of sorts. Ask their men to stop viewing all porn for 30 days...only sexual gratification came from time spent with you.

I've been doing this for several months. Never did strip clubs anyway, no porn... No "taking care of myself" either. Any sexual desires are satisfied by my BW. She is present and a participant every time. I like to think it has made our sex even more intense and special. Our sex life was never an issue before, but I think it's even better now.

I watched some porn (2 times to be exact) when I was in my twenties. we got all worked up and had some great sex so I considered it a little gross but, harmless. fast forward 30 years and I now know better. it was exactly what a previous poster said in that even though my husband was having sex with me, in his mind, he was having sex with the star of the porn show.

I've done a good bit of reading over the last 7 months since finding out that my husband is a sex addict. Porn, strip clubs are one in the same. Doesn't matter if its pixelated or skin to skin because the results are the same. Seeing a naked women, the average male brain begins to excrete dopamine, epinephrine and serotonin. The same as fight or flight syndrome. It's a fight between logic and natural instincts and the latter is a powerful pull.

It's objectification at its finest. Women are not looked at for who they are. They are objects. Of course, in these settings they actually encourage this thinking because they have a goal to get to that wallet and extract the contents of it. It usually works.if you are skeptical you should just do a google search to see how much money has been spent in the past year relating to the sex industry. I guarantee you it's more than last year.

If men have no intentions "enjoying" that sort of "entertainment" why are they so open to letting their minds go there? It has had devastating ramifications for this family and I know we are not the only ones. IMHO, the one you married should be the only naked body that you need to see.

There has been some discussion on here about giving their husbands "freedom" to view porn.

I get that....and respect that.

With regards what porn did to me....it took my freedom away. It is true sin creates bondage....I feel like a free man.

God help us all.

I think what is considered "cheating" is more about how individuals feel about the act and less about clear cut lines. Cheating is any emotional or sexual activity that is either a secret or violates the trust of a partner. In your marriage, it violates her trust and feeling of safety, so it is wrong.

My husband looked at porn and went to strip clubs and then hid it. I have felt very betrayed and violated. I don't even have a prudish attitude toward either of these things, and am not against enjoying them with my husband. My problem stems from sexual activity that is hidden, secret, and takes away from the intimacy that we share.

Strip clubs are receptacles to lure girls/young women with a fraction of money that these greedy owners receive to degrade themselves. Women with any self-respect wouldn't put themselves into a position like this. They end up with drug addictions and HAVE to keep dancing. Men who frequent these type of establishments as well as view porn regularly, begin to look at women as "objects." There is no love, no intimacy, it's all about getting your release.

It's an affair without the touching and emotional involvement. Our society (although governed mostly by men) has made this a rite of passage and a guy thing. It's a load of crap and it's a damn shame that we till have this, for our next generation of little girls to fall victim to. IF you're a guy and you CAN'T get a woman to love you, or do that for you because she loves you and wants you for you. THEN take a look in the mirror and figure it out.

cluless -

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For a long time, I viewed strip clubs negatively. I didn't like them and thought they were horrible places. Went to one at 18 with a friend, talked to the girls and still didn't like them.

Then came WH, and his damn near "those were the days" wistfulness and excitement at going to strip clubs that me, being stupid and going against what I knew in my heart, went with him to show him how understanding of him I could be. I am so angry that I continuously humiliated myself that way knowing what I know about those places, knowing how he deluded himself about those women and how objectifying WH and a lit of people are about strippers.

And this post made me realize a few things: during the second half of WH's sexcapades with the slut, we celebrated a mutual friend's birthday at a strip club. So while I'm humiliating myself to try to get him to notice me, he was having an A.

At this point, I want to say f*** him. It's been a really bad week.

ShockedErica11...

I realize that this is a very trigger topic, but please don't vent in the WS forum.

Thank you.