SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Grow up! Don't use SI as a covert message board.

I'm not! I literally have no friends or family that I can talk to about this stuff. I started out on a different website than SI, and was suspicious that he was creating fake profiles to give me advice (which I later found out to be true). I moved to SI to try to find a safe place to deal with all this crap. I didn't tell him that I was on either website. He found me on both. Last night when I read his emails, I felt this compulsion to respond. I typed several responses, and didn't send them. The main reason that I haven't responded yet is because of the support that people on SI are giving me. I am not using SI as a way to communicate with him. If I wanted to communicate with him, I'd just send him the 10 emails I've drafted by now. I am trying to not communicate with him, but I have my own set of issues that is making that hard.

Thank you everyone that responded. I'm feeling more centered and assured now.

MC (couples counseling) is not needed or of benefit until you have progressed through your feelings, have regained trust in your wBF, and are prepared accept your wBF as a full member of the relationship, AND your wBF has identified and owned his issues that led to his As, and he is well into making progress on addressing these issues with new behaviors and perceptions.

Thank you for your post. It really helped reading it, and helped to remind me why I asked for the NC.

So this seems like as good a place as any for you to begin your work. Why does this scare you, and why are you concerned about a person who has betrayed you so severely leaving you? Why does your saying no “hurt” him? Did you wait 30 days while he was in Argentina? (he didn’t)

My saying no hurts him because (I think) he'll see my no as me not caring about him. I'm scared about him leaving me because I'm starting to realize that I have my own set of issues of being scared of being alone. I'm scared that he'll think I'm not doing enough work, and that I wasn't trying hard enough. My IC has been focused on me realizing that I have done everything that I can, but I'm not to the point where I actually believe that yet. When he said the things that his IC said, it struck that nerve. I'm always scared of being the one that destroys the relationship, of not doing enough.

I strongly suggest that members with advice PM LonelyGirl10, and if LG10 wants advice from someone who has not PMed her, she initiates the PM.

I hope your WBF can sort out his issues, but for the time being, him reading your posts and using them to communicate with you constitutes a breach of NC.

(((hugs)))

Okay, I'll stop posting on SI for this month. I can't control him reading, but I guess I can control my writing.

It makes me angry. I love using SI. Not only for creating my own posts, but also responding to other peoples' posts and providing support for other people.

My IC has been focused on me realizing that I have done everything that I can, but I'm not to the point where I actually believe that yet.

gently, you need to explore and understand this aspect your your self, and learn and practice new perceptions and responses to your internal fears before you are really ready to pursue an intimate relationship with your wBF or anyone.

I sent you a PM.

--Ats

I don't think you should allow him to take this from you.

I do think you should block him for the next 30 days so you don't know what he reads or what he doesn't. It will at least pull *him* out of the equation. Just don't read ANYTHING he sends you.

I think you need extra support, and you have a good IC, but I'm not sure you are completely aware of how subtle the manipulation has become.

Subtle but just as hurtful.

Don't stop posting. Just don't contact him and don't allow him to contact you.

Also,considering that he has been so sneaky about creating profiles on other sites,stalks your posts here,has gotten the pass code for your phone,without your permission 3 or 4 times...I don't think it matters much if we post on the board to LG, or through PM's. Chances are strong that he has her password for SI so he can read her PM's.

I don't think you are the one in this relationship that is misusing SI.

I do think you should block him for the next 30 days so you don't know what he reads or what he doesn't. It will at least pull *him* out of the equation. Just don't read ANYTHING he sends you.

That's a good point. If I'm not reading his messages, then there's no chance that I'm inadvertently trying to communicate with him through SI. I think I'm going to set up my email to where all his messages go automatically to a folder instead of my inbox. I won't open the folder until the end of the 30 days. The problem will be whether or not I'm strong enough to not check that folder.

ETA:

He just sent me another email as I was typing this. I already failed, and read it. It was more angry sounding. He said that he's deleting his facebook profile, won't read my SI, deleting my phone number, etc, etc. He said that he was honestly trying in the other email, not being manipulative. He said that he feels like he can't win no matter what. He said that he can't stand to think that he's really trying, and he's still being viewed as a manipulative person. I feel like this is my fear coming true. I didn't respond, and now he's pulling away. I'm back to fighting the urge to respond, and I'm crying at work again.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:20 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

I really feel for you.

Of course he's angry. Of course he's getting defensive about "manipulation", because he is still reading here even though he told you he wouldn't. He has no intention of giving you space. He has still been reading our responses and he is desperately trying to retain 'control". He knows how operate the dysfunctional system that is your relationship. Do not respond. Call your IC, use the PM feature here, talk to someone anyone else but him right now.

He isn't pulling away, he's reeling you in.

When is your next IC appt? Maybe you should get yourself back in ASAP.

((LG10))

My next IC is Tuesday.

I just checked, and he deactivated his facebook profile and removed me from Find My Friends GPS tracker on his iphone. When we agreed to the 30 days, he said that he would keep his passwords the same so I could check to make sure he wasn't cheating on me. He said that he would leave his GPS tracker on so I could see that he wasn't cheating on me. He said that he would respect the NC, but that he wanted me to feel safe during the NC. To know that he wasn't doing anything bad. He just took away my safety net.

He phrased it in his email as him doing the right thing for me by doing NC completely, but I don't believe it. I think he did this stuff today out of anger. I feel like he's trying to punish me. I'm scared that he's going to go out tonight and do something stupid. And without the GPS tracker, there's no way for me to know.

I know that me monitoring him isn't a good thing, but it made me feel safe. He has taken away my safety.

Bottom line: he's an asshole. Why are you letting him torture you this way? THAT's what you should be discussing in IC, not what you can do to "make sure he doesn't cheat". You really want to live with a guy who does this to you? Why do you want to live in fear? This is all manipulation, and you're right, he IS punishing you. What a child. You need to get yourself strong enough that you can look at this and see what an ass he is.

Love is when someone cares for you and your feelings. Love isn't demanding, it is giving. This guy just takes from you, and doesn't give. He's asking YOU to prove YOUR LOVE for him. What the HELL is he doing? Using every stupid technique to keep you engaged that he can think of. And it stops when you stop playing.

[This message edited by Blobette at 9:54 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

On top of being a master at manipulation he is also throwing a major tantrum.

You did not play his game so he is taking his toys and going home. *IF* he is in therapy, he is not being honest with his therapist AND he is lying to you about what he is being told.

Everything he types is manipulation. It is how they get us to stay when the glaring red letters on the wall tell us to RUN.

He said that he feels like he can't win no matter what.

This is a classic line from the Cheater’s Manual. FWW said that to me too, it is a way to allow them to give up trying; after all it is doing no good. Here is the thing, for your wBF to really identify, own, and fix his issues, he has to do it for himself, regardless of you staying or going. He has to not want to be the guy who flirts with OW and has sex in order to feel safe or validated. The difficult internal work to own and address one’s internal issues cannot be done for someone else; it must be done because the individual has a very real desire to be a different and healthier person.

He said that he can't stand to think that he's really trying, and he's still being viewed as a manipulative person.

A week into it is not really trying. FWW is 4 years since dday and still working on her crap. She is better, will never be “healed”, but keeps at it because she no longer wants to be that person who needed the attention and affirmation of others to feel OK about herself.

I feel like this is my fear coming true. I didn't respond, and now he's pulling away.

You already know you need to work on this fear. Many of us find that when we reach a point where we know we will be OK without our M, without our FWS, that is when we find the path and strength to actually be a healthy and willing participant in our M with our FWS (fwB/GF). There was a time I was afraid of losing my W, even after I discovered her LTAs, her regularly meeting OM for sex, giving them things sexually she would not do with me, travelling out of town with them, sexting and texting them, looking to them for life advise. I had to do the work in IC and reading to understand where this came from. Why I professed to love a person who treated me with such disregard. Once I understood this dynamic within myself, I was OK showing her the door if she was not happy with me. I was OK leaving through that door if I was not happy with her.

I agree with the advice from the others to ignore everything he sends, all his communication, until you feel strong enough to be free of his manipulation. At the end of the 30 days, feel free to tell him you will need another 30, 60, or 90 days if that is how you feel. Use this time to work on you, expand your social network to have friends to talk with and have fun with. Shore up your finances, explore interesting hobbies or classes. Build a fun and interesting life independent of him. None of this will hurt, it will all be good if you decide to stay and see if he can fix himself and be the person you want. OTOH, it lays the ground work for the rest of your happy life if you decide to move on.

My oldest son used to lie..all the time. About everything..really..everything. Of course,this caused him to be "in trouble" a lot. He would also get really pissed when he would swear he was being honest,and he was angry that I didn't believe him.

I told him when you lie all the time, then he could expect people to not believe him when he was actually being honest..because how am I supposed to know the difference.

But..then..he was a kid. Not a grown adult.

He took your safety net to punish you. Ok,he deleted his facebook. Most WS's do that shortly after dday because they want to R. And NOW he is going to go NC completely...now that he is mad that his manipulations aren't working.

He won't. He will continue to contact you. Sending his emails to their own folder won't help..as you said,you already read the latest one. Blocking would be your best bet.

Please take care of yourself. He sounds like he is getting desperate.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:03 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

I've typed so many responses to his email, and I keep deleting all of them without sending them.

I have to leave now to go out of town with my boss. I have a big deposition that I have to do today. My head is not in a good place. I won't have access to email at all though, so maybe it's a blessing.

I felt good after his last email last night, like he was trying to give me what I asked for. He said that he saw that I had a legimitate need for NC, and that he would meet that need. I didn't respond, and he kept reading the SI posts. He got angry, and wasn't able to control those feelings. And I feel like he lashed out at me by deleting all his stuff. This is exactly what I was scared of, and exactly what I asked for the month apart. I did it partially for myself, and partially to test him.

Okay, I have to leave now. Thank you so much everyone for all the support you've given me.

He phrased it in his email as him doing the right thing for me by doing NC completely

Of course he did, LG. And I think that as you become more stronger and sure in yourself.....that he will begin to denigrate your use of SI.

He is very manipulative. And it is so subtle that I think that it's just *how* he operates in the world. He is manipulating you through *guilt*. He's using a kind of reverse-psychology on you, and then adding words from an *authority* to give his viewpoint more weight.

Pure.Manipulation.

Work on that *guilt* feeling that you have in IC. You'll be able to see the manipulation a lot more clearly once you develop techniques to pick apart a conversation or situation in a more objective manner.

As for whether or not he cheats on you again.....you have every right to be concerned about this, since that is his *history* and what he has done in the past. But really, if he does this....then it's on him and has nothing to do with you.

Work on overcoming your OWN fears....that way you'll find the strength to overcome and withstand his manipulations. Your feelings/needs/wants should be respected, not used as ammunition against you by your wayward as an excuse to *act out*.

he deactivated his facebook profile and removed me from Find My Friends GPS tracker on his iphone. When we agreed to the 30 days, he said that he would keep his passwords the same so I could check to make sure he wasn't cheating on me. He said that he would leave his GPS tracker on so I could see that he wasn't cheating on me.

Would you agree he has failed to respect your boundaries, LG?

[This message edited by ladies_first at 10:16 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

Is there any way your IC can talk to you over the phone or via Skype today, tonight or even tomorrow? I'd ask. Mine will do that for me when I'm having a really tough time.

(((((LG10)))))

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 2:48 PM, October 11th (Friday)]

Lonleygirl10,

This 30 days NC is for you and only you and so far he hasn't respected your request.

Sometimes you just need a break especially when you have found out about more lies.

Take this time to clear your head and figure out what you want out of this relationship.

Don't second guess yourself on this one.

You need this time to figure out what you want without his influence.

And I think that as you become more stronger and sure in yourself.....that he will begin to denigrate your use of SI.

My STBX did this in regards to my relationship with my IC and the activities she had me do plus the books she had me read. He became a complete martyr. The more healthy I became, the more angry alt w/ martyred he became. He would insult me, insult my IC, openly laugh at me when I'd use notes she & I had worked on together to try and have a healthy, productive conversation with him. He'd tell me he hated who I was becoming, he didn't recognize me, I was ruining everything. He tried to shame me, guilt me, spiritually (religiously) abuse me, all in an attempt to reel me back in.

This is what's happening to you now. I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to be torn in two this way. (((HUGS)))

He phrased it in his email as him doing the right thing for me by doing NC completely, but I don't believe it. I think he did this stuff today out of anger. I feel like he's trying to punish me. I'm scared that he's going to go out tonight and do something stupid

Others have already addressed his lashing out, so I won't add to that.

Hopefully you are capable of seeing how predictable his acting out is. The fact that he thinks that he has been really trying is extremely concerning. That he can't see how he is being manipulative is frightening. Hopefully his counseling will help him in that regard.

It is laughable that he broke NC, but excuses it as letting you know what he was up to.

However, you have to focus on your fear that he will do something "stupid". You are not in control of anyone. Having the GPS tracker was false confirmation. You have no idea what someone is doing. All someone has to do is leave their phone at home, or in the office, and go do whatever they want.

You are not in control of his outcome.

Yes, it is probable that he will go do something to soothe his ego and then blame the outcome on you because you asked for NC.

It is futile to think that you, and he, should work on issues as a couple when there is so much to work on individually before either of you are emotionally healthy.