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That sounds very possible to me. I was never emotionally disconnected (except the period right before the affair began). But it took the affair for me to realize how MISERABLE I was with my life. Some of it my marital issues, some of it my own personal problems. But I wasn't living the life I wanted and I never realized it.

I sincerely wish my realizations came at a smaller cost.

Ilinia - I could have written exactly what you wrote. How long do you have? This is the case for my SAWH. My H has a history of only dealing with things when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan.

Not ever going to be happy this all went down, but I now realize that if this A hadn't happened and I had never caught him, he would never have gotten the help he needed to address problems he's had his whole life and never resolved. We're talking some DEEP emotional wounds. Shut down emotionally, selfish and addicted to porn is no way to go through life!!!

Plus never really having a deep relationship between us to begin with (my SAWH is very much a "surface level" person - never has been emotionally deep) and terrible communication skills and me just putting up with it because that is how I grew up. In my H's case it is a SA thing...he hit rock bottom when he got caught and was faced with losing his family and everything he'd worked his whole life to attain.

I'm not sure where we are heading in terms of R...just seems like we make progress and then there are setbacks. But I feel 100% better than I did a year ago and it has zero to do with R. At least I know I am not crazy...that's progress!

[This message edited by womaninflux at 7:33 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

Your post describes my FWH and our M to a "T."

The A was his first wake-up call, and his realization of what his porn addiction was doing to him (turning him into a liar, missing out on his family so he could look at porn, and morally bankrupting him) was his second wake-up call.

He still has a very thick layer over his feelings and memories associated with feelings. At least now there is a crack in his veneer and for the first time he is examining some things about himself and his upbringing.

His A was actually a wake up call for us both. We both know that his A was his bad decision. However, I also know that right before the A started I had emotionally and partially physically removed myself from our M. That old saying, you don't know what you have til its gone, is true for us both. Yes, he had to hit rock bottom. Yes, I wish that he would have been able to figure out his issues without having an A. I wish that it would not have taken him turning to OW for me to wake up and realize that I wanted our M! However, it is what it is. It happened, we can't change it so now we deal with it and move on. He is a much better person now, we are a much stronger couple now. Also, he now knows that I love him unconditionally and I always have. Which is one of his issues that he has worked on. Thanks to his parents he didn't know what unconditional love was. He also knows what it feels like to live without me and the kids and he doesn't like it.

Yes, I also believe that h had to hit his bottom to wake up. I find this very hard to admit, almost feels like I am giving credit to his actions. KWIM? We have talked about this. I have told him that I see he had to hit bottom to wake up but I will never feel good about the means. I guess I try to be grateful for the changes in him and that now we have the chance to have a real and intimate relationship but I hate that I have to suffer for it.

It did also wake me up. I was settling for way too little. I was too understanding and accepting of poor treatment. I did try to reach him over the years, letters, tears, counseling, it never worked. He was so removed emotionally from me and himself, we didn't have a chance.

We do have a chance now. H is in IC, we are in MC, h is beginning to open up. I hope that he can sustain it.

For me, I can never go back to the way our life was before. I keep thinking now that I know what life can be, what I deserve, I can never unknow it, never be satisfied with crumbs.

It shocks me to now see how little I thought I deserved. I just never knew there was more, I never saw it.

FWH was living in a kind of fog all his life. He was getting more and more dissatisfied and full of self loathing even before he began his A!

The A was a bit of distraction for him but when it ended wasn't when the fog lifted. It was when he received the reason WHY I was D him from the lawyers. It included additional stuff to his A and that's when reality hit him.

That was the point he realised that D or S or R he had to get help.

He immediately begged for forgiveness and then begged an IC to start work with him immediately!

It wasn't the A that woke him up. I think it was the great IC he saw who unlocked all the crap in his life that had allowed him to go on to have the A.

BUT- I do think that the catalyst was my D him that led him to realise just how big of an asswipe he had become

This guy used to hide everything including his emotions.

Now? He is so open I can read him like a book. I don't wish his A had happened and I wish we could have got here some other way but I wouldn't trade the H I have now with the asswipe I met and M

I have been thinking this as well. Yes.

Yes, absolutely.

I think rock bottom was when *I* realized how narcissistic WS was acting. It was ground breaking for me. I was literally overjoyed. I was laughing like a loony and almost skipping around. He, naturally, was so upset that I could possibly think there was anything wrong with HIM. He whined, wallowed and wept for a couple days, but I stuck to my guns (literally laughing in his face at times). It was liberating for me. That is the moment I can pinpoint where he finally pulled his head out, started owning it and we started real R.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 9:35 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

yes, we both did. However, its an excuse. Why we didn't use healthier means to "wake up" I don't know. Conflict avoidance and not sharing our most intimate selves I suppose.

SI is better than therapy!

As a read and reread your posts, I felt lighter and happier. To see how many have similar stories helps me realizes that no matter what I said or how many tears I cried or how many conversations I started or how many different work schedule strategies I suggested so he could spend more time with use, it was never going to "click" until he hit bottom.

Again, I just wish there had been a better way...hmm, maybe we can invent something.

I strongly believe that people are value programmed at an early age and only change when they undergo a traumatic experienc. My wife was curled up in a fetal position in our walkin closet wanting to die. She has changed. So have I.