SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

pastthelies,

Interesting choice of username as you are currently still lying. You will never be past the lies until you come clean to your husband. Like so many have already said, the truth will burst that A bubble you continue to live in.

but u didn't have to choose! u have no clue! whats best for u as a person vs whats best for kids and family? bs usually ends up best because of kids and money not because the ws loves their life- they r scared!

Yes, it's true. Your BS has no clue. Why? Because you are choosing to control the situation. You are choosing to decide for him what information he is privy to in his life. You are choosing for him what is best for him as a person. You are treating him much like a child, at best. Imagine someone making decisions for you, important ones, about your life and not giving you the respect to let you in on them. It's very manipulating. You staying for the kids or for more financial security isn't doing him any favors.

i was not the pursuer i was the person who fell for it.

So you are a victim? You had no choice? He forced you to have a relationship with him? You have always had a choice. You have always had the ability to say no to him. At some point, however, you made the decision that pursuing the A was a good idea. You decided that you would reciprocate. You need to own that and figure out why you allowed that to happen.

It goes much deeper than feeling unappreciated. Do you view relationships more from the side of what you are getting from them? Or do you also look at what you are giving into them?

When I began my A I felt as if my BH was giving very little to our M. I felt unappreciated and taken for granted. It turns out I was the one giving very little. I was the one not appreciating him! But in order for me to see that, I had to be able to be completely honest with both him and myself.

You say you don't have that loving feeling. Of course you don't, because you are not opening yourself up to him. You have a wall of lies built up around you. IMHO, it's impossible to experience a truly loving feeling without allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

So, IMO, it's not BSs that are scared. They are the ones who are brave. They are the ones that despite being hurt and betrayed, attempt to look at the big picture and hold onto an extreme amount of love and hope to make the M work. They are the ones that try to stay because they can see something in us that we can't at the time. WSs are the scared ones because we lie to only protect ourselves. We attempt to control and manipulate situations because we feel it is "in the best interest" of everyone involved. We don't allow others to see the ugly because we are too afraid. We are much too afraid to take that risk and be judged.

Whether you love your husband, are in love with your husband, or even just like him...respect him. Let him decide what he wants to do. Let him decide where to go from here. Treat him like an adult. Because what he doesn't know will still hurt him. And every day that you keep this from him you are consciously making the decision to hurt him.

@WalkinOnEggshelz:

Amazing post! Should be required reading for us WS's.

I agree with Justdesserts.....great post.

Just a few things from a WS who's newly separated and still figuring himself out.

My BS caught me. That in itself is one of the reasons she made the choice to be separated. She often said how that bothered her bc I didn't have the courage to tell be honest with her from the start. If you think your H will never find out you're a fool. And it will be far worse for your family unit especially the children.

For me in the beginning of my A I felt there was aggravation at home. Felt my wife was treating me like shit and our sex life sucked and so on. It wasn't until after D-Day that I realized I was the one that was causing all the aggravation. WIt was my fault. She was just responding to my actions. BC I wasn't treating her the way she should be treated our marriage was in trouble before the A even happened. Before any A should happen (and it never should) that person must be honest with themselves bc if you really want to cheat then just break off the marriage first and move on with your life.

If you honestly are not attracted to your H then not only is it wrong for you to stay but it's def not fair to the H. An honest and good marriage must have love and attraction between both. This is a recipe for disaster.

Last point I want to make is when my wife found out my life turned upside down. Since then I've been in IC, MC, R for 10 months, separated, and possible D. It's been the worst year and a half of my life. I do not wish this on my worst enemy. No matter if it's my wife or someone else I will never put myself or my family through something like this. You need to take a long look at your life. If the AP is what you want then you need to begin the process of ending the marriage and starting your life with that person. If it's not then NC is NC. Get rid of everything and write that person off. And of course tell your H everything and prepare for anything. Either way your H needs to know. If you choose to stay with your H you must work on getting the attraction back. My guess is your unattraction is bc of the A. Also remember that once your H knows he may make the choice to end the M. I've learned that the A was my choice. Now it's her choice to R or not. I can't make that. And neither can you.

Do not stay in a marriage for convenience and lies. It's totally not fair to anyone. What would you do if the situation was reversed?

When I began my A I felt as if my BH was giving very little to our M. I felt unappreciated and taken for granted. It turns out I was the one giving very little. I was the one not appreciating him! But in order for me to see that, I had to be able to be completely honest with both him and myself.

Same for me.

The reality is that your special affair was just as unspecial as mine. based outside the reality of real life, the AP was whatever you want him to be. Look, you both had years to try to be together. Most reasonable people realize that if you had left your families, in a few years you would be just as discontent as you are with BH.

Chances are. Because the problem is not your sad marriage or your unattentive husband. It is within ourselves. Those of us who feel it is OK to break our vows.

You had many choices. Counseling. Divorce. Not cheat.

I agree that your BH deserves to know.

Yes, he does deserve to know and it's best if it comes from you, not a third party or discovering it for himself. Like most WS here, I was caught but I was *very* fortunate that my BH decided almost immediately to R.

You, OTOH, are making the choice for your BH. As another poster said, you're making choices that are rightfully his. You're deciding what he needs to know and what he doesn't. You're deciding that the M will continue. *That* is *his* choice, not yours. You made the choice to bring a third person into your M, without his knowledge or consent. WOES is right, you're not "past the lies" because every day that you keep your BH in the dark is another day of lies. You're lying about the OM, you're lying about how you feel about him, you're lying about the state of your M. And when your BH finds out (and he will) he will quite understandably believe your *entire* relationship was one big lie. And that could very well doom *any* chance of R.

Hi pastthelies

Like the others have said, you have to pop the affair bubble. Even spending time together like you did with him is NOT like a real relationship whete you deal with each other day in and day out. Affairs have no resemblance to real life.

The most concerning thing to me is talking about "going through the motions ". Your husband probably has picked up on this. I am not an expert but I do know this:

You have NO CHANCE by going halfway or going through the motions

Go all in or let your H go. Would you want to get used like that? Or would you want your man to fo all in?

Thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts, experiences and ideas! Not a fun place to be for anyone and all your help and insight is appreciated. I have a lot to work on and i will keep you posted.

Speaking just for myself, I'll be rooting for you to find it in yourself to tell your betrayed husband. IMHO, until that moment, you can't really begin to heal, change, and grow. Because your inauthentic self is calling the shots.

JD

I don't think I was ever in a "fog" about my AP. I knew he was doing something shitty, just as I was. I thought it was worth it at the time. I feel very differently now. Nothing on this earth is worth me ever behaving like such an immoral asshole again.

I wish you well on your journey through this mess.