SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The ONS called me (left voice message)to tell my how devastated she was about what happened. She felt it important for me to know that she was not a sl*t and that my H told her that he was single. That she was lonely and vulnerable and that he played on her vulnerability.

But what do I make of this phone call?

Was it really a ONS? Or had it built up to a one night sex incident? I find it hard to believe that he met this woman, made various promises to her about a future, that she went into online research on him, got his home phone number, etc. How did she find out he was married? It reads as though this had been building as a “relationship” for a while. Do you know any of the circumstances of how they met or how long they have known each other? Do you even want to know?

She has revealed a side to your WH you didn’t know existed. His secret. Don’t expect the truth from either OW or your WH. OW is just putting her side of the story, based on fact but not necessarily the whole truth. She’s angry – understandably so if she believed he was not married. But there may be spite there too, so tread carefully with any future contact or messages.

You are asking what to make of the call. That’s tough. How far do you want to take it? Do you want to speak with this woman? If you are going ahead with divorce, it might be better to simply put her and this call to one side and concentrate on YOU and your future. I would give you just one piece of advice – don’t act upon anger or emotion. These are very, very early days. Don’t do anything for a while. Read everything here and take what’s relevant to you. Read the thread “Great Posts for Newbies” here in JFO. And don’t worry about shaking, crying, screaming, getting the runs, throwing up, etc. It’s all normal.

How could I be with someone for over 40 years from the age of 18 and not know them for the person that they are??

Please do not blame yourself for anything. It was his choice to betray the love and trust, not your fault for giving him love and trust. When we give trust to our spouses, we are doing so in the expectation we will NOT be taken advantage of, it means we value them enough to risk that we will be repaid for that trust in that we will not be betrayed; and we expect to be trusted in return. It is a self perpetuating bond – I trust you and you trust me. So don’t stab me in the back. Treat others as you would want to be treated. And this is what makes it incomprehensible; that the one person you trusted more in the whole world could even contemplate doing something so destructive to your family, to your home and to your soul.

I was with WH for 29yrs before I found out about MOW. It was a 5yr LTA with his ex-fiancee. It was a bolt from out of the blue. I was completely dumb-struck. Time stood still. The shock was unbelievable. After two years of TT, I realised there were other affairs (he denied), but this was the big one. I trusted him. Simple at that. In a rather child-like way probably, but I saw no reason to not give him absolute love and trust. I believed that if he didn’t want to be married or fell in love with someone else, he would have the decency to tell me and leave. Not the man I thought he was. And sadly, he will never be the man I would like him to be.

Actually, crazy as it may sound, I did call her and talk with her...her explanation when like this....

Her words -"He was at the bar with his golfing buddies (true this was a golf trip for him and 4 friends)I walked in and your husband was on me like white on rice. We talked for hours and then his friends left. I took him back to his hotel and one thing led to another. He charmed me and he was someone I needed since my own divorce 7 years ago. I take care of my 85 year old mother, I have no job, and no life. So your husband gives me all of this attention and I stupidly fell for his bullshit."

I realize none of this really matters as my WH had sex with another woman and I am seeking divorce, but my mind keeps telling me I must know all of the truth to have some closure to this nightmare. I know that I am rambling, so many thoughts both crazy and rational going on in my head right now.

[This message edited by LMomof2 at 9:01 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

I suspect her anger is at herself and her own stupidity. Sorry, but if she's been divorced for that long, she should have got some sense of how to proceed with a man she feels attracted to. You don't fall for his bullshit, jump straight into bed with him and then expect him to call you!!! WTF was she thinking?? She meets a man IN A BAR, takes him back to his hotel and goes up to his room. Come on! Sounds more like she was all over him otherwise I'm sure she would have been able to resist his charms. What a stupid wench.

I'd stay away from her.

eta: oh and her calling him lowlife scum? She's known him a few hours and HE'S the lowlife? Look in the mirror, Mrs. Sheesh.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:05 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

If he lied and said he was single I don't know why she is being called names. She wasn't in the wrong. Seems sincerely sorry and has talked with you. Is it smart to sleep with a man you just met? Probably not, but lots of people on this board have done it.

No, it’s not smart to have sex with someone you’ve just met and loads of people have done it, me included. But you don’t go around blaming other people for your own stupidity. She made an error of judgment. In my own past I shrugged and moved on. Disappointed perhaps, but what the heck.

She called the house and left an irate message for him (which I picked up)after he did not call her afterwards as he had promised...she did not know that she was a ONS as he had made numerous promises to her about their future together. On this message, she told him that after doing online research, she found out he was married with children

THIS is worrying. Seriously. After just one evening? And until you have a second date, it IS a ONS! I’m not calling her names, I’m just making the observation that what she did was rash and – yes – stupid. As she admitted herself.

eta: Oh, and if you are objecting to “wench”, maybe it means something different to you. Here it simply means an available woman. Although the word does imply a woman who may be sexually available given the right circumstances. Which she was. It does not mean the same as whore, prostitute, hooker, slut, scrubber or even trollop. More like hussy. Actually not as bad as calling someone a hussy. Pretty tame in my book.

Sorry, that was a bit of a t/j.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:51 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

My WS left a voice mail for my 16 year old daughter on her phone telling her how sorry he is for everything and how "it really is not that big of a deal" and that everything will be fine. I am spitting nails right now. This man just keeps degenerating even further.

My fWH cheated on me after 30 years of M. I too was surprised by how many others were betrayed after long marriages and right before retirement.

My H and I are reconciling but it is the worst thing I've ever experienced. The trauma has been deep and I have PTSD as a result. It's been nine months since dday for us and we are making decent progress. My H has never cheated before this and I was totally blindsided. Shattered world is very accurate way to describe it.

I'm very sorry that this happened to your and your daughters.

Meant to add that UKGirl is spot on for things to consider. Keep in mind OW's have their own agenda. Sounds suspect your WH would promise a ONS a future. I'm surprised she knew his full name?

It's amazing what lying the cheater does for damage control esp in beginning. They think they can still control the situation.

[This message edited by whattheh at 8:02 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

I am so glad someone else posted that they feel the need to know everything, every detail. I feel like I can't rest till I know it all. Is this normal. Where does it stem from. I felt like an idiot for being so trusting. I never want to be so stupid again.

To Whattheh Yes, I was set to retire this year. My WS and I had plans to travel extensively in one year after my youngest began college.

Now those plans are shot to H... I can't bear to retire now...too much time on my hands. Have to keep busy.

I wanted to know everything. Some of it he admitted / came clean about. Other info I learned on my own with "research." Every person is different; some of us want to know, others don't want to know the details. I'm a detail person. I had to know.

LMom: your ws calling your 16 yr old daughter, saying 'it's not that big a deal....' Really ? He has just blown up her world and it's not that big a deal? It amazes that grown up people, adults, can be so callous and thoughtless to their families. Affairs truly bring out the worst in people; we see a side of someone we never believed could / would have acted like this. They create a crisis but, wait ! That's not enough.... let me continue to dig an even deeper hole ! It becomes apparent they have no clue, they've lost all good sense. I hope your daughter gave him the what-for !

LMom, your pain reaches out to all of us.

It's up to you more than anyone else to help your daughters, and you will do this with a kind and loving heart for them, and they will weather this storm, as will you. Do you have family nearby, who could be your and your daughters' support system as you all go through this devastation--perhaps a grandmother or an aunt? It's so important to take care of yourself, and by doing that, you take care of your girls because they are your very heart.

For now, you have done what you feel is necessary--thrown him out of the house and filed for divorce.

We've all asked the same type of question, and the answer is sadly simple: It is easy to deceive someone that trusts you. We trusted our spouses, so deceiving us was easy.

Painfulpast is so right! I sometimes get into this thought loop of HOW did I not know? HOW could I be so stupid??? Why did I not follow that "feeling" I had? Because of trust, because I trusted him, because I believed his answers.

"Trust but verify" isn't even on my radar now. I'm in the "you are being supervised because you can't be trusted" mode, saying "You've taught me not to trust you, and I'm a really good student!"

Things WILL be better, but it will take time. You are so raw right now.

You are not alone. Your girls love you beyond words, and here at this site, we feel and share your pain.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 1:20 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]

and how "it really is not that big of a deal" and that everything will be fine. I am spitting nails right now.

I don’t blame you. Minimising, brushing under the carpet, forget it and move on. Well, it doesn’t work like that. How can he expect you to think of it as “not a big deal” when he has broken the trust. Trust is a very fragile and yet strong thing. You gave him trust in the expectation it would not be taken for granted, abused and p*ssed on. And the other point is, you wonder what else there is. If you found one drug item in your DD’s room, wouldn’t you look for more? Just in case? And you would wonder why she felt the need for drugs and how long it had been going on for.

He needs to examine not only the why but how. Why he was drawn to the attentions of this woman, why did he even consider having sex with her and how he justified going ahead with the act. My guess is that he doesn’t want to look at what he has done or at himself, which is understandable when it was so incredibly destructive.

I don’t know what else to suggest since you are fixed on divorce. Look after yourself, you are the number one priority. Knowing the details might matter right now, but won’t after your divorce. He did it, you kicked him out, it’s over.

However, if there is the faintest chance you might consider reconciliation, then knowing the details, the why and the how and what you are both going to do to repair and heal is vital. The sooner you start, the better.

But first, he needs to realise just how much damage this has done. He has changed your world and his. Nothing will be the same again.He needs to recognise that fact.

My drama is getting crazier by the day. As I stated earlier, I spoke with the ONS and she was apologetic because she was told by my WS that he was single, told me what happened...a congenial conversation as weird as that sounds. Now days later, she leaves a voicemail for me full of psychotic rants...I feel threatened and am thinking about going to the police to file a complaint. Am I doing the right thing or would this make matters worse?

[This message edited by LMomof2 at 3:18 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

I feel threatened and am thinking about going to the police to file a complaint.

I would do this. She could be crazy and decide to show up at your home. You want to be sure and get as much documented as you can just in case she does.

Keep the voicemail and anything else you have. Keep anything else she sends. I was somewhat concerned by he OTT reaction to what was, after all, a ONS. You don’t base a future on a ONS! Inform your WH and tell him you expect and demand that he sends her a NC text/letter/voicemail immediately and that he is to include a statement that he/you will report her for harassment if she contacts you again. And if you hear from or see or have any correspondence from her, file a complaint.

This is not of your doing. This is a choice made by your WH and her. She is targeting you because she didn’t get what she wanted and she is feeling foolish to have fallen for his lines. Her problem, not yours. This is nothing to do with you. She is being out of order and spiteful.

She needs to be told that she is NOT to contact you in any way whatsoever. If she does, she can expect the police to turn up.

Sounds a bit Fatal Attraction.

Hi again honey

Now days later, she leaves a voicemail for me full of psychotic rants...I feel threatened and am thinking about going to the police to file a complaint. Am I doing the right thing or would this make matters worse?

Well, it seems that maybe there is more to this "ONS" than your H has told you.

My first thoughts were

(a) It was more than a ONS. Your H made lots of long term promises to her, has been in contact with her and now she is pissed because he isn't leaving you for her.

(b) She is dangerous.

Do what Ukgirl suggested.

HUGS honey. Sadly this shitstorm will probably get worse before it gets better.

Laura

Just need to post...I am having a very hard time today emotionally. I think it's because it's the weekend. I have had 3 invitations from friends and family to do activities but I am just so so sad that I won't be spending the time with him. As much as I hate him for what he has done, I'm remembering the times we had together. Oh God, how do I stop these feelings and these memories??

(((Lmomo of 2)))

I am in a similar age frame as you with similar duration of marriage..

As others have said, take some time to get your bearings and support before you make any major decisions..

R is off of the table for me, but because of age and other constraints it will take a long time and careful planning/timing for me to extricate myself from the M without destroying my future..

Like angerisme I bought an SLR camera and went deeply into photography..I also sell some of my work and display it in galleries from time to time...Photography is fun :-) I find it a good distraction to plan for the people, places, things to shoot pics of, and the post processing/editing is fun..When I became involved with a gallery I had a ready made source of activities and friends with similar interests as me...

Until I am at a place in my life where I feel more comfortable in my own skin, I need the distractions that my favorite activities provide...

I know that the choice and decision is mine what I do with my life post betrayal,(D-day) but some of these decisions take a LOT of time and money..And it isn't so easy to overcome a paralyzing FEAR of making life changing decisions when there are limited resources ..So finding some healthy favorite things to look forward to every day do make the unpleasant terrifying journey a lot easier..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:10 AM, October 25th (Friday)]

I have drafted an email letter to my WS. He keeps texting and emailing me asking me to forgive and talk with him. Here is my reply - please tell me if sending it would be a good idea.

"You need to read this through in its entirely as it ultimately pertains to your children:

WHy did you have sex with her? Why did you even spend time with her before the act?

WHy did you not stop and think about HOW DEEPLY your behaviors would hurt me, and your children which will damage us for many, many years? You did not just cheat on me. You cheated on your entire family.

And STOP messing with (Daughter’s) head. Stop the notes you are leaving for her....I am living with her and see her reaction...it's NOT helping her. Remember, she was there that night the phone call came in. She knows what you did. (Daughters) need to sort out their feelings and to heal. You need to respect that.

Why was the family and life that we had not enough for you?

WHy have you always lead such a secretive life?

Will you now be man enough to admit all of your indiscretions with the other women whose texts I have bore witness to and tell of all the other affairs of which I have had evidence even though I have always given you the benefit of the doubt? I have always put my trust in you even in the face of the evidence, second guessing myself, but now know for certain that you were not worthy of it.

WHy did you pledge full disclosure on September 3 and have sex with her on Sept. 21, then go to the shore with me the following weekend and NEVER even show any evidence in your behaviors of what you had done?

Was this a one night stand? It seems very strange to me how fixated she is on you for a one night stand.

Why would you risk everything for a cheap lay?

Are your buddies impressed with your prowess? Your family certainly isn't. I hope your need to impress other people and your need to nurture your own insecurities was worth scarring your family so deeply.

I would like answers but would not be surprised if you don't have the courage to give me HONEST answers. You probably don't think it's even important that I know the answers. But for me to begin the healing process and get back to functioning normally again in order to give (Daughters) the support they need right now, I need everything out in the open. It's not at all unusual for those that have been victimized to request full disclosure. You can at the very least do that for me.

I wonder if you even know or care in the least about the insurmountable damage that you have done. I think you are incapable of any feelings of remorse. You are just sorry you were caught."

[This message edited by LMomof2 at 11:43 AM, October 25th (Friday)]