SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi momof1girl

I just sent you a private message

He is also with her and she believes he left me completely for her..

Do you realize this makes you an OW? While I can see the appeal of doing to an OW what they did to us, my dignity would not allow me to..

My advice? Screw that motherfucker. Stand up for yourself. He's with you or he's not. No more of this limbo crap. Personally, I would cut ties and start rebuilding and enjoying my life with my baby.. You deserve so much better than this mindfuck he is serving you.. And your kid does too..

Hugs, and congrats on the job. Keep moving forward..

Wow, I feel so bad for you. But, you need to face reality and stop holding onto dreams that are no longer real. This is what is real:

1. You and he no longer live together;

2. The OW has moved into his home with him;

That is reality. I don't care if he says he still cares, he is showing you that he does not care about anyone but himself.

Right now you need to cut him loose. Can you really say you love someone who would do this? Maybe you love someone that he USED to be, but he isn't that person any more.

Move on.

Being apart is no excuse for him to still be with her. Presumably you don’t actually know whether or not he is with her. And so you may as well assume that he is. Has he sent a NC letter to her? If not, why not? If he needs a template, I can give you one!! And one directed at a coworker.

The first thing he has to do is write a letter, email it to her and then forward it to you. The next thing is to change his (and your) private cell phone numbers and not only does he does NOT give the numbers to her, he instructs others he does give the number to that they are not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, to let her have the number.

She is trying to manipulate the situation. She wanted to get to you and she has. She is not worth your emotional energy. She's not.

He has to explain to you what he is going to do to show you he wants the marriage and your family. He has to choose. And choose now. And then kick OW into the kerb and make YOU his priority. Which reminds me of a saying: never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. You are the one and only – or not at all. She has to go. Immediately.

And finally, I think he should come to you this weekend, whatever the cost. Tell him this is far too important to talk about on the phone or the internet.

Where I live, if you get two more of those, the police can send her a letter on their letterhead and scare the bejeezes out of her. They said it was three types of contact to involve them, if you wanted to.

It is a contest with Ow, because the one XPervert picked did the same thing when she outed him and he ran right back.

I struggle to remember that these are grown ups making such a mess out of so many lives and treating others so badly.

Sometimes, remembering how juvenile they acted, can help. I do that with Ow in his case and it helps a lot.

And, I don't want any connection whatsoever or to give her validation of existence and if you answer, you will.

That may be good to keep, BTW, for records such as character in case things went to court ever.

Wow. WTF. My first guess is that there may be trouble in skittle shitting paradise where ever they are.

However,

I really am so sorry. And I do know how crappy and hard this is.

You have all the power to end this right now. You've given him permission to fence sit and keep you as his backup. I'm sorry if I'm too strong, but experience is screaming at me to give you a stern talking to. Stop reading any time.

Here is a road map. Your choice to follow, modify or ignore it.

1. Open your own account and fund it with everything you have & can find.

2. Cancel your joint credit cards after applying for your own. (Unless he's paying them, then I would take a VERY sizable cash advance for household and child care needs.)

3. Go to an attorney, find out what rights you have. Just become informed, you are not filing.

4. Stop all contact with both of them. Yesterday!

5. His things, outside. If you want, give him a box of hefty bags. Do not pack for him. He's a big boy playing house with a girlfriend.

You are letting him have choices. Married men don't get girlfriends. Period.

Until you feed him a dose of reality that is his life without you, he will keep you in this stage for a very long time, or leave you.

Also, if he comes back when he's done playing house, he will do this again to you.

He's made enough choices for you without your knowledge, he no longer gets to do this. Draw your line, and do not waiver.

Sometimes, letting them go and moving on is what saves a marriage in this situation.

I do hope so, for you. (((Hugs)))

PS

What Butterfly Girl said!

[This message edited by fourever at 2:12 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

Welcome to the club that no one ever wanted to join.

I am going to lay a few things out for you, because you seem completely lost and overwhelmed, sleep deprived, and probably not thinking very clearly at this moment. If this comes out as harsh, it is only because you need to take control of this situation, and stop being a victim. You have to do that to care for your daughter who needs her Mom very much, and shouldn't have to be faced with Mommy being sick/sad.

1. Go to your Dr. Go now. Go to an emergency room, and free clinic anything where you can get medical care. Explain your situation that you spouse is having an A, and that you are completely overwhelmed by all of it, and that you have not slept in a month. Get some meds. You need to be able to sleep and eat. Also have some idea of how much weight you have lost. This is putting a huge strain on you physically, and if you don't stop it you will end up in the hospital, and that is not where you want to be.

2. After going to the Dr and getting some sleep, you need to go to a lawyer, and find out what your legal rights are in this situation. Your spouse has basically abandonded you. You don't want a D, I get that, no one does, but honey he has given you zero options here, other than living in misery, or filing. You don't have to file, but you do need to know what your rights are.

You will get some strength from this too.

3. Let your family know what is going on, allow them to help you, and support you. It's ok. No one gets through this shitstorm alone, and given your set of circumstances, and your strong physical reaction you need help right now.

4. Go to the store, and get some Ensure, or Special K protein shakes, Gatorade, or other sports drink. Part of your physical symptoms come from the fact that your body is not getting proper nutrition. This too keeps your brain from working right.

5. Get MAD. This Asshole, the guy that is supposed to be a great father, and spouse has sent you away because of 'financial' reasons, only to turn around and play the dating game with some other woman?!? Seriously, and now he has the audacity to tell you he loves you both? FTG he loves no one but himself, and only has his self intrests in mind. He wants to play the fun game of Dad, and Boyfriend, and Husband, but you are not going to allow that, YOU do not deserve this abuse, and it is abuse. YOU are a Queen, and your kingdom can survive just fine without a King, and certainly without a King that is really just a joker. DO NOT TRY TO NICE HIM BACK. THIS DOES NOT WORK. Ask any of us who have BTDT. You need to dig in your closet and find your Red Leather Stiletto, Silver Studded, Platform Bitch boots and put those suckers on and take control of this situation NOW. If you don't you are only allowing him to continue to hurt you.

Listen this sucks, it's painful as hell, but the winners in this game are the Betrayed Spouses that get their shit together, and start putting their and their childrens needs first. Your daughter does NOT need to think that this is normal, or what a marriage is all about. Get mad for her. You can do this. Oh and when that Bitch contacts you again, you best be ready to send her your own personal version of an No Contact Letter.

Please do these things for your daughter and yourself.

It's complicated. A lot. See, there is the issue of this being international. He is Canadian, our daughter is Canadian and I am American. The Family lawyers down here are telling me it's the jurisdiction of the Ontario Family Court and the Ontario Family Court is telling me to contact a lawyer, the lawyer is telling me that it's the jurisdiction of the state she is currently residing in. It's a huge wheel of nothingness. When I first found out, my mom and my counselor suggested I make a rough draft of a custody/separation agreement. I balked at the idea, but slowly started working on something. I haven't looked at it since October 10 and I honestly don't want to look at it right now.

You are getting great advice ((mom))....please start taking it - a little at a time starting with your diet and sleep.

Also...Can you post on Other Topics? ie: Need legal advice re: Cdn/US custody?

You should definitely see an atty or free legal aid clinic soon given the citizenship issues. Perhaps there is a way they can help you to get US citizenship for your daughter if that works better for you and her...

I'm very sorry about your situation.

Mom....as much as you don't want to do this you HAVE to get a custody agreement hammered out in writing and legalize it.

You know what the worse-case scenario is and if nothing is legalized about custody for your baby she could spend the rest of her life in Canada (not saying it's a bad thing, but the McKenzie Brothers ).

You can't be the ostrich and put your head in the sand and ignore what's happening. This is life; this is real; people will get hurt and things will get ugly.

Time to pull your Bitch Boots on and hitch up your Big Girl panties and deal with this.

k9

Like the others are saying, don't give the OW the satisfaction by responding. You have to start taking care of yourself, not only for you but for your poor daughter. She not only has a jerk Dad, she has to see her mother suffer so. Show her what a strong woman can do. Stop letting yourself be the victim. The pain is not going to just go away. You have to choose to not let it rule you. As soon as I decided to do the 180 and try to think about me I felt an immediate relief. It is not easy but it is worth trying.

You're only 33years with 1 child. You can start again. Don't let yourself stay in this misery any longer. You will regret it!

You're only 33years with 1 child. You can start again.

Yes, I am only 33 with one child... but I believe I can't have more kids. I was told that the way my daughter was positioned in the womb and the way I had to deliver her caused my uterus to tilt. My WH and I were having unprotected (read, no birth control) sex for the past 3 years with no pregnancy. He did, however, get the OW pregnant (she miscarried a few days after finding out). I did find that yesterday, I didn't feel any pain for a good 15-30 minutes. Like, I functioned a little and out of the whole 24 days since this has happened, I stopped crying for that 15-30 minutes... I still don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, but perhaps I can take the few minutes of feeling nothing and use it like a blanket.

Mom of 1. It is time for you stop wallowing and start moving.

You have to take care of yourself and your daughter. I know this hurts horribly, but it could be worse in so many ways.

Please pull yourself up. See a different attorney, one that knows something about international law.

Oh and about her being pregnant and losing it, this is the oldest trick in the book when an AP feels their WS may be leaning toward going back to their wife. Please keep this in mind.

What do you really know abouut things?

1. Your H is a liar who lies

2. Your H is NOT putting his wife and family first.

3. Your H is more concerned about this OW than you or his daughter.

Things you know about you.

1. You are in a tough spot

2. You did just get a job, and need to get your act together so you can start to earn money to support yourself and your daughter

3. As a US resident you should be able to get some assistance with things like housing, food, and even legal support. Get on the net and find out how.

4. If you don't step up and put yourself and your daughter first no one else will. She needs you right now.

YOu can do this, you will make it through this, and you need to start focusing on you and your daughter.

Again - If you are not sleeping and eating talk to your Dr immediately. These two things combined are a recipe for unclear thinking, and will paralyze you with fear on the What If's.

((((and strength))))

Try asking for help in Divorce/Separation. There may well be someone clued up on your situation. If there was a way to get married, there is a way to get divorced.

Meanwhile, take heed of what has been said here. Look after yourself. If your WH has moved in with OW, then that is not acceptable and proceed to separate yourself from him. Show him what divorce looks like. Put up the shutters and deal with only the necessary arrangements. This cannot be an impossible case, you just need some guidance to get yourself out of this sorry mess.

This does not bode well. The only way you and your WH can save the marriage is for him to come home and sort things out with you. If he’s not going to do that, then polish up your bitch boots and keep one step (or ten) ahead of the game. Knowledge is power. Do some research and ask for help from any and all sources.

Read through some of the posts here – you have been given some start point already. And do not respond in any way to OW. Pick yourself up, dry your tears and make some lists. And then prioritise. And then act. Do it. Now. As each day goes by, the chance for reconciliation gets less. Assume the worst.

Don’t let them push your buttons. You are better than this and you deserve respect. So start by forgiving yourself and awarding yourself for getting this far. Each day you will move a tiny step forward and the pain will become less. You have your integrity intact, they don’t. You have your honesty, they don’t. You have strength and courage and you must pull that up and use it as your shield.