SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can someone be that blind and narcissistic?

Yes and it's always about them.

Good for your DD and not giving in to a deadbeat Dad.

Your DD sounds like a wise woman. I'm sorry her dad is blind to the situation...but she is handling it remarkably well! Kudos to you for raising a great woman.

I really can't believe he has no idea why she doesn't want to be a part of this. Can someone be that blind and narcissistic?

Yes! Unfortunately there is no cure for his affliction.

He's desperate because her not attending, will cause a rip in his carefully concocted story of the picture perfect blended family.

It's very hard to stand your ground against your parent, even when the parent is wrong! Give her extra hugs from us.. And I'll send some strengthening SI mojo her way. She has integrity. She didn't learn that from her father, you've done good mama!

Hugs for you too, it's hard to watch your kid go thru this stuff?

K

He's desperate because her not attending, will cause a rip in his carefully concocted story of the picture perfect blended family.

This is exactly it. He even said it was going to look bad. For who? Him? He's marrying the OW, how much worse can it look?

It's very hard to stand your ground against your parent, even when the parent is wrong!

Absolutely! She is showing a lot of strength right now in standing up for herself. I wish more people in this world were like her.

This is exactly it. He even said it was going to look bad. For who? Him? He's marrying the OW, how much worse can it look?

This is where it gets tricky. I'm almost positive her family and friends have no idea he was married when they started their relationship. Because he travels for work, met her in another state at the hotel bar where she is a bartender, and was able to continue their relationship there during his work week, he probably told everyone he was already separated or divorced when he was not.

My daughter said "I know they're going to lie and tell people 'Oh poor little M...she is not here because she is still having trouble accepting the divorce' but I don't care Mom. I don't care what people I don't even know say or think about me because I know the truth."

Then she looked at me and said "Mom, have you ever dated a man who was married?" And I replied "No, I haven't." And she said "That's the difference. She did and continues to be with him. I don't have to like her. What they did together has affected our family forever and I just can't and don't need to accept it. I am moving on with my life as I have done for the past nine years since he left. He hasn't made any effort to acknowledge or apologize to any of us what he did was wrong and change. So I have a right to feel the way I do unless something changes."

miadianna, this sounds SOOOOO familiar. My adult children want absolutely nothing to do with their ex-Dad, and it has everything to do with his behavior. Things would be SO different if he had showed he was truly sorry to have cheated. Instead, he is very much like your ex... does not seem to realize that he taught his children better than to associate with liars and cheaters.

He has had the opportunity to repair their relationships somewhat if only he had fulfilled his obligations in the divorce decree. Instead he filed a motion to be relieved... (and was denied) and frequently has been late with support payments. (May 1, he'll be 3 months behind...)

They might be able to understand a "mistake" like forgetting to get a divorce before having sex with someone besides his wife. They're too smart to put up with blatant lying and disrespect.

Your daughter has her head on straight. It may be different for a son (mine is still not willing to see the ex at all). You have given your children the outstanding gift of freedom to make up their own minds. My kids were already over 18 when all the discovery happened so I was fortunate not to have to deal with split-parenting. And that your ex has waited 9 years to marry OW says volumes. It wasn't even 1 year after the divorce was final that EXH married #2. My kids just rolled their eyes.

All the best to you and your children -- the values you've taught by your example are good ones... bless you all!

"i"

Now my son just messaged me (through his dad) to see why she doesn't want to be there and is she "sure" she doesn't want to go? This is ridiculous.

I see your kids are adults and seem to be able to handle the situation on their own, but I see you never addressed the "reason" for the divorce yet you collected all the dirt? Why? I would blow their world up with the threat of showing up at their farce of a wedding with the evidence unless he backs off your daughter. It's time for Momma Bear to show some claws and let him know he ain't fooling anyone but his stupid self.

grrrrrr

Special K..I really never thought it would get this far. I have emails and chat messages and pictures from back in 2004-2005 when I had a suspicion he was cheating and wanted to prove for myself I wasn't going crazy.

Sometimes taking the "high road" gets you here, I guess. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.

^^ wait - your kids don't know she is an OW? Or they haven't seen all of the proof?

IMHO your daughter isn't reacting as the daughter of a BW, she is making a choice based on the fact that he has been an uninterested and uninvested father.

She is entitled to make a choice here as is your son. Her dad refuses to see it but she is looking to build bridges - she just doesn't want to be paraded around at his wedding when he hasn't bothered to help build those bridges.

My son wrote "He is still trying to get over the fact that he messed things up with her."

Only with her? No one else?

I have some advice for your daughter that I picked up on another forum I used to frequent (for people with terrible inlaws -- I no longer need it!) She needs to learn to stop JADEing.

To JADE is to Justify, Argue (and/or Apologize), Defend, and Explain. You never, ever, EVER want to JADE. JADEing is self-defeating behavior, because it allows the toxic individuals in your life an "in" to beating you into submission. To JADE is to hand over your power to someone else.

By "justifying" your decisions, you hand over your power by giving the other party the right to judge you. Nobody has the right to judge you for your needs.

By "arguing" with the other party, you hand over your power by making their desire to argue with you legitimate. Your needs aren't going to change no matter how much someone argues with you about them.

By "apologizing" to the other party, you hand over your power by admitting you're doing something wrong. You have every right to protect yourself and make sure your own needs are met.

By "defending" your position, you hand over your power by making the other party an authority figure. You're an adult, and fully capable of deciding what you do with your life. Nobody else has a right to tell you how to live.

By "explaining" the reasons for your boundaries, you hand over your power by giving the other party a chance to nullify your own experience. Your experience is your own. It is precious. Nobody else can know whether it's true or not.

I know it can be really really hard to learn new responses to situations, especially situations people have spent years grooming you to react to in specific ways. Fortunately, the script for avoiding a JADE moment is both brief and adaptable. It's something Nancy Regan taught us decades ago: JUST SAY NO!

"No, that won't work for me."

"No, I can't do that."

"No, thank you."

"No" is a complete sentence.

And when the "but whyyyyyyyyy?"s start, break all the grammatical rules with another one-word answer: "Because."

"Because that won't work for me."

"Because I can't do that."

"Because I said no."

The third and final step is the really brilliant one. Change the subject.

"No, I told you I won't be doing that. So how's the weather been where you are? Are the azaleas blooming yet?"

Now, there is a difference between JADEing to toxic people who don't have your best interests at heart, and exploring your own reasoning and reactions with people who are trying to help. You have to learn where that line is for yourself, from situation to situation. It takes practice--and that's okay. If you keep at it, it will become second nature, and you'll find your life is a great deal simpler.

He's a jerk. Here's one in same vain. My ex and her bf are blending families already and invited to her parents home constantly. Disney Dads daughter is already talking step sisters.

Our kids art too young to voice their opinion ad mommy dearest and her mommy paint unicorns and rainbows. Both have pd and bipolar traits.

Good for your daughter. He's a self centered ass and like most they believe the BS that they try to sell to the rest of the world.

I cringe at the thought of this being something around the corner for my kids. I'm preparing myself for the stbxh being stupid enough to marry his gutter pig. Granted it sucks for him right now because his family has closed all doors when it comes to her. my kids all hate her and know she is the OW due to it being flaunted. My 9 year old today told me he wished she lived I. the house nearby so he could flatten her tires. Yep, staying with her is an excellent option.

They are idiots, every one of them that move on with the AP deserve to eat shit in fairytale land.