Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: BestialTendencies

General :
Be careful who you tell

This Topic is Archived
default

Lovedyoumore ( member #35593) posted at 6:59 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2013

I might add, if we ended up not in R, I would have scorched the earth and everyone would know everything I know about the A, especially the people who book OW for her inspirational speaking. Hell, I already priced a billboard by the interstate. Since we are working to R, I decided to keep it within us, except for the now ex friend.

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

posts: 3626   ·   registered: May. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Southern, bless your heart
id 6554942
default

sparkly1 ( new member #41155) posted at 8:11 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2013

My friends and family have all deserted me and my girls because they think I am being too nice. Of course, I haven't heard from many of the since we filed for divorce, but somehow these people who encouraged me to take this step think they know that I am being too nice so I am getting crickets from them.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2013
id 6555043
default

reallysad2012 ( member #37658) posted at 8:23 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2013

I am in the not-telling camp. I don't want the world to know and, sadly, I can't completely trust any friends to keep it to themselves. Not to the extent that I would want it kept to themselves. Plus, I knew I wanted R and didn't want to wonder what people would think later on.

I admire karmahappens and those who can let it all out without worrying about what people will think.

I remember in the first weeks after Dday I would be at the grocery store and the checkout person would say, "How are you doing today?" and the first thing that popped into my head would be "my husband cheated on me." I never said it but it was just under the surface, all the time. I wanted to tell people, but I am glad now that I didn't.

me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

posts: 118   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2012
id 6555065
default

eachdayisvictory ( member #40462) posted at 8:30 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2013

We told everyone that we have and want to continue to have a 'real' relationship with. That included about 7 close friends and all of our immediate family. There is and was absolutely no way that I would be on the road to recovery as I am without my support people. I have no regrets about telling them. A few people only found out after my H had decided to go to the OW a week or so after discovery, and I had to call my mom and tell her that when we arrived home, the marriage was over. My H changed his mind before we got home that day (less than 7 days out - we were both out of our minds - including me for taking that kind of abuse) so I didn't HAVE to tell my mom, but I'm so glad I did. She is incredible, understanding, caring, loving and forgiving. Without her 'in the know', recovery would have been that much harder. She was willing to come watch the kids at the drop of a hat, an essential element to that post-trauma time. I honestly don't know what I would have done if I didn't tell my friends who really love me, because I would have had to feel that unloved with no safe place. My friends and family that knew were essential to reminding me that I was a worthy, good person whom people loved. I am so thankful to all of them.

me, BW: 37
FWH: 38
together 19 years, M 13 years
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 6 and 9
Reconciled

posts: 530   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2013   ·   location: nova Scotia, Canada
id 6555075
default

Angel177 ( member #37274) posted at 3:08 AM on Saturday, November 9th, 2013

I told everyone. Wh didn't want anyone to know and he didn't deserve to get what he wanted...ow didn't deserve to walk away from the mess she made with her head held high. I'm glad our families know I wouldn't have been able to pretend around them. Also they all had him up on a pedastool and we all needed to knock him off of there. Honestly his family still has him up there sometimes.

Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
D-Day 2 Oct. 12/19 different OW
In limbo

posts: 255   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2012
id 6555449
default

tryinginmi ( member #29358) posted at 4:06 AM on Saturday, November 9th, 2013

I told almost everyone and don't regret a single person. Not everyone received the details. My parents only know there was someone else, but they have no need to know anymore than that. The only place I left in the clear was our neighborhood. It does not need to be theown at my children. WH had nowhere left to hide his secrets. I tried to keep them after dday #1, but he just kept on lying and took it under ground. Once everything went public he had to make a choice, and by that point I didn't care much either way.

Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA

posts: 1093   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Michigan
id 6555494
default

thisisterrible ( member #24727) posted at 4:16 AM on Saturday, November 9th, 2013

After D-Day, I told less than a handful of people, because I was sure STBHX was going to come out of 'the fog' and we'd reconcile and live happily ever after. I didn't want him to be embarrassed for what he did, so I was going to keep his secret.

And I would have too, if we would have reconciled.

BUT, we didn't reconcile, because STBXH just wanted to be happy...with OW.

So, I started telling everyone, and I mean everyone. In fact, it's been four years since STBXH left, and I STILL tell anyone and everyone who will listen - some people I've even told over and over again if I can get them to hold still long enough to listen to me. Just last week I told the cashier and bagger at the grocery store, not they asked, or cared, or knew me at all , but I found a way to bring it up.

Yes, I realize this is a little bat shit crazy, but it's like therapy to me in a way. I'll take any chance I get to expose STBXH for the cheating piece of shit that he is.

Me:BS Him:WH Two kids
A started 2/09 - S 7/09 - he filed for D 12/09
I wanted to R and he didn't. He never stopped seeing the MOW, who filed for D 11/09. They've since broke up...for now.

posts: 682   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2009
id 6555503
default

myperfectlife ( member #39801) posted at 1:32 PM on Saturday, November 9th, 2013

This thread helps me realize how amazing my friends have been to me. If I lost a friend over this, I feel they were never truly a friend. Anyone who has been in a long term relationship should understand that it is not black and white.

Sometimes people earn forgiveness through their actions.

In fact, this entire situation has helped me reconcile with a friend of 18 years. He had treated my best friend poorly and I didn't speak to him for 3 years because of it (it was really bad, they had a horrific break up). Although we were still friends, he knew why I wasn't talking to him.

Since this, I have reconnected with him. We hashed out our differences and were completely honest with each other about why the friendship had stalled. He has been one of my best friends through this and I realized that people do deserve forgiveness when they show change.

I never thought I would ever be close to him again. My other friends have been so insanely supportive of me whether I R or D.

I would say after a certain time I did stop giving as many details though...because I realized that STBX was digging such a grave that if I did decide to R, it would be hard for people to be open to him. But they still knew what he'd done.

Everyone in this damn town knows.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

posts: 452   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2013
id 6555686
default

Chandler ( member #23038) posted at 5:00 AM on Monday, November 11th, 2013

l just told a few trusted people the WHOLE story...OC and everything...a few others know hs cheated but NOT about OC....I have not told anyone in my family. I am too ashamed and embarrassed.

ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

posts: 1337   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2009   ·   location: Somewhere I never wanted to be
id 6557272
default

GotMyLifeBck2013 ( member #40531) posted at 5:15 AM on Monday, November 11th, 2013

Its great advice. In my case exWW was telling everyone, so i did the same. Once she showed our daughter a picture of her boyfriend i decided i didnt care anymore. To do it again, a year later, yep i would do the same thing. People are mostly good and decent and just helpful. Some judge a little or see it as weakness, but i draw strength from telling it and now i rarely talk beyond these boards. From a betrayed perspective you do what you have to to get by.

I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013

posts: 289   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: Ohio
id 6557283
default

chick ( member #41073) posted at 10:18 AM on Monday, November 11th, 2013

I agree - when I first found out I posted on another forum and was urged to tell as many people as I possibly could as this would be a horrible consequence for my husband and if I didn't do that then I was rugsweeping and he would definitely become a serial cheater.

I don't post on that forum anymore.

Everyone deals with things in different ways and for those who want to do that - great, I hope it helps them. But I am a very private person and that would be my worst nightmare for everyone to be knowing and gossiping. I am insecure and care very much what others think of me. I wanted to make up my own mind about how to treat my husband and what to do about it all.

I know that if a friend had told me a couple of months ago that their husband had done this I would have seen things in a very black and white way and would have said that (even if I liked their husband) if he was allowed to get away with it then it gives them the green light to do it again and they should therefore divorce. Easy eh? But no it isn't that easy at all and I can see that now. And the last thing I needed was loads of well meaning friends saying that this is what I should do and for calling me weak for reconciling.

So I have told nobody. Maybe one day I will confide in a close friend or two if the topic comes up. But in this confusing make-your-mind-up-time I don't feel like opinions from people who have no idea what being in this situation feels like will help me at all.

Me - 32
Him - 32
D-Day - 6th Oct 2013
He had a ONS on 23rd Sept 2013

posts: 69   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2013
id 6557373
default

cantaccept ( member #37451) posted at 10:59 AM on Monday, November 11th, 2013

I told everyone. It was hard to even consider not telling because he left and I believed that we were divorcing.

I never believed that we would even try to R.

I was such a mess at work those first few weeks that I couldn't hide it. I found out and he left that same day, I went to work the next day!

There was no way I couldn't tell. It was written all over me.

I sure did learn who my friends were during this time. I learned who really cared about me.

I have lost a relationship because of this, a close one. My sister. As soon as she heard we were trying to work it out she told me I was "toxic" and has not contacted me since.

I did try to reach out to her, nothing.

She just loves her principles more than me. It is something in her that is causing her to do this. She is losing a sister that loves her.

Neighbors all know because he was gone. I told one elderly neighbor because she has always been kind to me and I her. She told the rest.

My original IC, crazy lady, told me to tell everyone as it was not my shame to carry. She was right about that, this is not my shame. Sure feels like it on some days though.

Most of the people I told were supportive. Especially at work, one person even confided in me that his wife had an affair 3 years ago and I am the only person he ever told. I ache for him, for them. I see the signs of a disaster in the making. Everything has been rugswept, he is in pain, he is denying it. so sad. I tell him about all the resources, about what I am doing, he says he is over it. He is in denial, he started drinking on dday and that is now his medicine.

"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

posts: 3505   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2012   ·   location: Connecticut
id 6557385
default

TheThreeYearFool ( member #41218) posted at 7:09 PM on Monday, November 11th, 2013

I have told one person. (Well, that and a therapist who I was trying to get an appointment with, but she's fully booked.)

It's so hard not telling because sometimes it's all I think about. Sometimes I want to blurt it out when people ask me how I am. "I'm terrible because my husband cheated on me." I want to tell bartenders and waiters, "Guess what? My husband was just here not that long ago with his mistress."

I haven't told any of my friends. I told one local friend -- not a particularly close friend -- that I was having a rough time, but I didn't say why. My best friends live out of state, and I told them I was under a lot of stress. They assumed it was due to work.

One of them is actually a shrink so I reached out to her for suggestions for IC, and I admitted to problems in my marriage. But I haven't told her the specifics.

I haven't told my parents and won't unless I know that D is happening. Can't unring a bell and that would permanently end their relationship with WH.

I told my boss I was dealing with a personal problem outside of work and left it at that. The first thing he did was look at my left hand to check that my ring was still on (and it is -- I just got complimented on it this morning and it stung).

The one person I told? My MIL. Because I love her dearly, and no matter what my WH it won't ruin her relationship with him.

She tore him a new one.

That being said, should D happen I think I will tell everyone.

Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

posts: 165   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 6557823
default

marionwendy ( member #41303) posted at 8:10 PM on Monday, November 11th, 2013

When I found out in august I told 2 of my friends whom I had been close with for over 10 years. I thought they would support me and help me through some of the pain I was feeling.... Instead it was like I had a contagious disease! I have not heard from them in months! One of them even said to me that its too hard to be friends when I have decided to stay with my WH! I felt like telling her to F off! Why do people judge? It isn't there life, their not living in the situation and have no idea how it feels! Im glad I found out what kind of friends they really are (they are not friends at all). I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone but one day karma will repay them.

BS-52
WS-53
Married-25
Together-25
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.

posts: 267   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2013   ·   location: canada
id 6557912
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy