Thank you everyone. An update since yesterday.
I did not realize that just walking up to my house after work would set off a small anxiety attack. He wasn't even there, he had left for the gym, but called very shortly after and asked if I was ok. I choked back some tears, was honest and he told me that he is there for me and to never hesitate to express how I feel. That alone is complete turnaround from before. Before, he never asked, he was emotionless and defensive, sometimes even cold when I would talk about anything personal, the A or brought up my feelings.
He came home, we talked, there were some tense moments but for the most part, he seems very different. He cried a little, which that has not happened at all until this point. We really went into the NC, my boundaries and the consequences. He was much more open about things. I think knowing that I know everything now, has made it easier for him to open up about feelings and thoughts. He has given me full access to all his accounts (I can even access work email anytime), has actually been asking how to ensure he is providing accountability for when he is out and not with me. He said he knows and understands that when he has to be at an event without me, that it will be hard and wants to do what he can to alleviate that feeling. The entire time we talked, there was less crying on my end, but more harsh words, he never tried to defend any of his actions and has taken handled my verbal lashing with sympathy. Which I have to admit, he has never in our marriage been able to do. He actually brought up starting a job search. He has opened up about even the little lies, the ones not related to the A, that in comparison seem silly, but he needed to get off his chest.
The most tense point in the conversation was about exposing the A. I have expressed my own concerns about exposing the A for various reasons. I did learn that the OW BS is probably not the route I want to go, I learned he has a criminal past and that makes me uncomfortable about retaliation. My husband is of course unnerved at the idea that he could lose his job if the A is exposed there (which he should be, it’s his fault). He has acknowledged that even though during the A he convinced himself he was in control and that no one would find out, that there was always that chance of someone catching on, her BS, or even her in a fallout jeopardizing his job, that he knows now how stupid he was. Outing the A to family, I have expressed not wanting to for my own reasons. I cannot stay positive and R with the judgments that will come with that. I know my family with support me, but I know what they say behind closed doors, my sister was a wayward and she is blood and it took years for my family to come around. However, I told him, if a boundary is crossed, they will be the first to know and I will tell everyone, everything. I should also note that my brother works in his office, my mother is my child care giver, so if we were to split, he would be faced with my family routinely. He has no one else, so he would also be very alone and he knows that.
He called for an IC appointment and wants to do some reading and agreed to discuss them with me. He said that giving him the opportunity to R after all this, which he didn’t think would happen, has given him a renewed sense that he can become a better man and father.
I know this all "sounds" wonderful, but he has to actually follow through. That's the big test, I want to have faith, but that trust is going to be tough to come by. I told him that all the energy he placed into deceit can be refocused into proving himself to me. After the conversation I felt better, I still had some moments, mental videos of things and the moment when he leaves for work is tough and awkward.
I still have a very long way to go with this. But I am trying to remain hopeful for a successful R.
