SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Herongirl

Every marriage is different....you know your husband better than any of us here on SI know him.

Right now (this early in your marriage) you should be in your "Sweet Symbiosis" stage (cant keep your hands off each othere etc.) this is ..long before "Soured Symbiosis" comes along...where you need to learn how to communicate..

My WW had affairs in her 1st marraige....and to this day, 1st husband doesnt know. (she told me and also told her AP about this)

At the time i was dating my WW, i didnt know what i know today about infidelity (the cheating spouse is broken..has mal-adapted coping skills) ...and had if I did, I would have made sure she knew why she cheated...and made sure she had fixed her brokenness...but she ended up bringing it into our marriage.

IF you have a remoursful Wayward husband.. (which is key here) you can repair your marriage. But its up to you...you are the one that needs to heal. In time as you approach this with wisdom, its memory will fade into the distant past, and you will view this as something you greatly profited from. I hope that happens for you if this is what you want.

I was given advice here in SI by many to file for "D" to wake my wayward wife up from her fog...but i knew her better than anyone here on SI, so I gave my WW "patience" as she had asked.

this was completely against what was suggested to me.

Now this goes contrary to my healing...as a BS, but in my marriage, this was necessary..(we had a daughter going thru a horrific eating disorder problem that spanned 4 yrs and this would have destroyed her)

I do not regret that decision...as you will make the decision that works best for you.

I send you strength and hugs..to get thru this roller-coaster ride you did not buy your own ticket for.

me: 58

her WW- 57

7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss

one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB

married 25 yrs

in "R" and its been roller-coaster

D-day 3-13-12

confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spent 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)

I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards

True NO Contact- July 2012

Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly

its a long road....and painful and she finally understands the true value and extent of the gift I gave her in both "R" and not telling anyone about her "A"

I think it's simplistic to say how brilliant the early months/years of marriage should be. Our first months of marriage were awful- we both got hit with a slew of personal events that we weren't in anyway prepared for. And we both dealt with it badly by deeply resenting it and mentally writing our marriage off. My WH dealt with that by having an A, I dealt with it by turning my feelings inwards.

As your WH was unfaithful during your wedding I would be inclined to think differently. But I know what it's like to be a newlywed cheated on, and it sucks :(

I'd say the benefits of a forum like this are mostly for to vent, and gain perspective, not to receive informed, valuable advice.

Really, how could strangers on the internet be considered valid to advise in such an emotional and important area?

I'm sorry, the posters here don't seem like strangers to me at all. I have used this forum to vent many times. But I've gained some incredibly valuable advice here as well.

Slowuptake, I should clarify that my H had already stopped cheating before I found out, he didn't delete his msgs with OW & handed his phone over when I asked, knowing everything would come out. Since then, he has been remorseful & doing all he can to repair the damage..

Where I have a problem, is this:

"Most people understandably, tend to view this mindset as morally corrupt and beyond salvation. Sadly experience on SI and statistics agree with this view."

Really? Even if they are remorseful, (which I've already stated before he was)? Cheating in the beginning of the marriage trumps all other considerations? This seems to contradict the general consensus that W remorse & positive actions are the best indicators of potential successful R. Does that not apply to those of us who were cheated on early on?

I come to SI for support mainly, not necessarily advice per se, & hearing

my H is "morally corrupt & beyond salvation", or " the odds are against me" even though he is remorseful, just feels less than supportive.

At any rate, I'm glad I posted & appreciate the support I did receive. Hopefully, others in my situation will see they aren't alone (or fools for even trying) & maybe others will be more sensitive to the subtleties of others' situations before voicing negative suggestions based on generalities or statistics.

I'm also glad I have somewhere to talk about this, even if I don't always agree with all the responses.

(((herongirl)))

My xfwh cheated early on in our marriage....it had been 1 1/2 years since we walked down the aisle and we already had an eleven month old and I was 8 months pregnant with number 2. It was another year and a half before I accidentally found out.

He was not remorseful, became physically abusive when I asked him to commit to the marriage and to fidelity and made his escape from me. As it turned out, he had sex with his brother's girlfriend while we were dating.....back when I thought things were perfect and blissful.

His brother just recently told me and honestly thought I already knew and that it was the reason we had divorced.

When I found out, I could have walked away. We didn't have years and years between us. I had a high paying job, he was unemployed. I owned my own home. Many people IRL and on here advised me to run and never look back but I loved him and was willing to try anything to reconcile. For us, and for me particularly, this attempt came at great cost but I don't believe your situation falls into the same category as mine.

Would I ever advise anyone to throw a chance at R away? Never. Would I do the same thing if given a do over? Absolutely.

I loved my husband very much for several years. I was faithful and loved with my whole being. I deserved every bit of that in return. My kids deserved to be in an in-tact and loving home.

Unfortunately this wasn't possible but I would never regret trying.

SI has supported me when I was stupid and when I was smart. Some folks gave me the truth when I couldn't hear it and I sat on it until I could.

It has been 6 years since the first PA and 4 1/2 since I found out.....turns out now he first cheated on me over 10 years ago....and we are divorced but it is still incredibly painful to have found out again. There was nothing real, nothing genuine or special between us. I will never know why he took me for a ride for as many years as he did. I don't think he ever will either.

I support and admire your choice. Something I learned early on is that there will always be infidelity stories that are worse or better than your own none feels quite so awful as what you have experienced. The only person who knows what is right for you is you.

I hope all goes smoothly on this journey and can see you have the strength to handle whatever comes your way.

I apoligise if I offended.

Please don't shoot the messenger.

I was simply pointing out why people advise 'ending it' when cheating occurs at the earliest stage of marriage.

I hope it all turns out well for you.

Just something to ponder.YMMV.

herongirl, it may not be what you want to hear but many of us have experienced being betrayed after many years or decades of being married, with children and all of the financial entanglements that results from being enmeshed with another person for so long. We would have loved for our spouses to show their true colors at the beginning of the relationship. At least we could have made a much less complicated choice.

It appears that you are looking for reasons to believe that this behavior is an aberration or a one-off thing. Most of us who are marriage vets can remember the early romantic years. Cheating during that period seems especially troubling. It indicates to me that there are deep-seated problems. If you choose to stay married to this man, I hope he gets intensive counseling. Best wishes.

My WH cheated was cheating on me the months before and after we were married, I found out 4 months after our wedding he was contacting escorts for at least 7 months...but most likely more. I WISH I had cut my losses, right now I could be 3 years on with my life instead of where I am now. Where I am now is finding out 2 months ago my "remorseful" husband had condoms in the car, a Vicodin, and photos of his hard penis in his deleted bin on the computer. Now, I'm faced with blameshifting, accusing me of cheating etc. So now I am going to be divorcing him...which is going to be a lot more involved than it would have been 3 years ago.

Hello Herongirl.

I often preface my posts with my background. My wife had EAs with two people (that I am aware of). One I know for certain was going on within weeks of us getting married until he got upset about how she insulted his girlfriend. The other may have happened at the same time or before I have never gotten a straight answer, but I know for certain there was a second go round with EA Partner 2 within two months of me discovering her first EA with EA Partner 1 (didn't discover the first EA with EA Partner 2 until later).

It is a rough position to be in and see that your newlywed partner has been unfaithful. I won't give you any advice on whether to cut bait or to continue the hard work on into the future. I find that SI is an excellent resource, but it is important to realize that those that respond to posts come from every background imaginable, long term affairs, short term affairs, long marriages, short marriages, kids, no kids, kids that are born from infidelity. It also stands to reason that there are a wide variety of outcomes as well. In my opinion (I do think this one is worth it's weight in gold) it is important to take others advice and support where you can get it from and to come up with your own choices. You ultimately have to make the decision for what is right for you. It does help to view other's opinions and experiences and filter out what works for you.

I think a lot of times what you hear when people say to get divorced right away is that many have been stung in the past, thought everything was okay, only to get stung again. I think they look back at their situation when first finding out and see that when they were freshly married their lives with their spouses/partners weren't quite as meshed as they are years down the line and maybe they regret the time between as lost time.

I know looking at my situation, I've been married now for two years, I discovered the infidelity six months into my marriage. I am still not certain if I want to remain in my marriage, right now I am seperated and leaning towards divorce. My wife only began putting in the effort into reconciliation a year and a half after I discovered her first EA. The reason I haven't filed for divorce yet is because I want to make sure my decision is a rational decision, whether continuing int he marriage is the right path for me or if it isn't. I won't make that decision for another few months. At that point though it will have been two years since I had discovered the first EA. If I end up divorced i think I will feel that those two years had been wasted time. Time I could have used to heal better and move on with my life. If that happens I believe that I will have wished I had just divorced right away and I may council others to take a good look at their situation.

What does that mean for your situation? I don't know. I just suggest looking at other's opinions and treating them as such, opinions. You have to remember to filter their advice through their experiences. I think doing so helps to guide decisions, but ultimately it is your decision, only you know your situation and whether or not your spouse is putting in the work to make you feel better and for you to heal.

Dear HG

I am sad you find yourself here at such crossroads. Infidelity indeed sucks no matter where you are in marriage

But duck.. 2x4 coming

I think you are cautious to post because in your heart you know what we are going to say is true. What you seem to be missing in all our post to newlyweds or even BF/GF relationships ... We are trying to help you, save you from the years of pain, doubt and pure hell that you are going to endure. You say that there's not much difference between being married 1 year vs 20 ,30 some folks 40. Yes my unfortunately there is a huge difference. We have put in those years with our beloved only to find out our entire life together is a farce. You my dear have an opportunity. Many BW will divorce after years because they just can't live with the fact that someone they knew, loved and trusted for most of their life turned out to be such a selfish asshole and often for some bimbo that meant nothing. It makes you think back all those years you were married and question every act, every moment. You don't have to think you wasted your youth on someone who threw it away...when you are young you still have time to find someone who will treat you with respect and love. Someone who deserves a trustworthy faithful spouse. Do you know how often I look back and think" what if I hadn't married him". How would my life turned out. I can say that I love my husband and that he had a moment of weakness but I'm not sure I would marry him again. He was my soulmate. He was that person who I told all my secrets to and who held me anyway. He was my knight in shining armour. He has broken my trust my heart and my love. I can never really go back to what we were. But our family is good and our Child is good so I will accept that we will never be what we were. But if I find out he cheats ever again I am gone. So I ask you before you get to far down and before you have kids why oh why would you endure the torture. We are giving you a glimpse of your future. I am somewhat offended that you take our comments as something against you instead of looking at it as something that could save your soul, save your sanity.

Ultimately it's your choice and you will live with it. I can tell you that if I were in your shoes with what I now know I would definitely walk away and dust myself off and leave the door open for future love.

[This message edited by Dreamland at 10:54 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]

the bottom line is whether or not the WS has the true desire to change.

From my perspective and general life experience, I do not believe that MOST people change their entire ways of dealing with life, including their moral outlooks, etc., when they are adults, but I am sure there are many who would argue that statement with me. My H changed but he did not change from a serial cheater with no morals to a faithful man. He was basically a faithful man with a tendency to get caught up in having his ego stroked at low points in his life. It was definitely not about sexual conquests of other women. He did not have a "pattern" for falling into As with women who stroked his ego. It happened once, and that was once too many, of course. And his "change" was to learn to set strict boundaries so he would not be vulnerable to something like that. I have a lot more confidence in that type of change, than for someone like my XH, for example, who cheated with more prostitues than he could ever hope to count. But that is just me and I truly don't believe I try to tell others how to live their lives in their circumstances even though it might not be what I would do in those circumstances.

But I am definitely not making a statment that people can't change. If your H can change into what you want him to be, then it is certainly your choice to give him that chance. I will say that if I was in your shoes, I would D because of this statement you made:

Everyone has their own dealbreakers, regardless of the timeline.

It would absolutely be a deal breaker to me if he cheated during our courtship or in the first year of our M, but I'm not suggesting because that is true for me, it should also be true for anyone else in particular.

Is our situation really worse or more unsalvagable than say, the H who cheats at 10 years & lies about it for 10 more?

I'd say about the same. And this situation would also be a clear dealbreaker for me, obviously not for everyone else though. I won't say it is "unsalvagable." For me, it would be unforgivable, and so I would divorce. I can forgive someone like that if I don't have to live with him as my spouse. I have forgiven my XH who was a serial cheater throughout most of our M (I didn't know about most of it until near the end of the 13 year M). But I do not regret D'ing him. Not at all.

4everfaithful83 said:

Just remember that at the end of the day, no one knows your relationship inside and out, like you and your husband. Only you and him will be able to decide if it is worth fighting for. I think most people on here have good intentions in their advice, even if what they say hurts.

I agree.

I caught my XSO cheating a few months after we began living together. Believe me, I could have saved myself a world of heartbreak if I'd kicked him out of my house that very instant. Oh yeah, he was so, so remorseful. Really? No. He was sorry he got caught, and in later affairs, just covered his tracks better.

In your case, herongirl, I sincerely hope your H has seen the light. But it takes more than one's spouse saying, "Oh, I am so so sorry. It will never happen again." Actions speak louder than words--and the best indicator of future behaviour is still past behaviour. Again a percentage remark, not a generalization.