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(((Madness Muse)))

I know this feels so complex, and you are dealing with a great deal of guilt due to your A and your behavior afterwards. Here is the thing about your situation though, and it is pretty simple: you are in an extremely abusive relationship. You are very much in the domestic violence cycle. Though you feel your WH's actions are justified, they aren't any more than any other man who hits a woman. Men sit in jail all the time for beating up their partners and every single one of them was falsely accused or aggravated by their evil partner. They all have a "really good excuse" for why they beat the &*%$ out someone they are supposed to love. The saddest part of all of it is that the women, the victims, will often agree that they must have done something to cause the violence. It is a really awful cycle.

Call a DV hotline. Every state has one and the volunteers and staff who man them are trained in domestic violence and how to deal with situations like yours. At the present, you are holding a ticking time bomb. He will hit you again, the question is whether or not he will kill you or permanently injure you this time.

I spent years volunteering at shelters and over hotlines, picking women up who managed to escape. There are people who can help you. They can get you to a shelter, you can file a restraining order against him, and get a divorce. I know this is hard to hear because you love him; but this isn't you giving up on him or your marriage, this is you choosing to live.

Madness Muse--

Please, please see to yourself and your safety. Your husband is abusive and controlling. He is showing the classic behavior of an abuser who is trying to isolate his spouse from any outside support.

No one deserves to be physically harmed or treated this way. No one.

I am fearful as to what he might do when you leave. Please consider contacting a local domestic abuse hotline and battered women's shelter when you leave. The next time he leaves a mark, please go to the doctor/hospital and tell them the truth. Though I hope you leave before that happens. A battered women's shelter can help you while you get on your feet.

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:23 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:23 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

Take deep breaths, and to add to your list of things to keep outside the house is your social security card and birth certificate. Find out about the closest DV shelter. The locations are secret and they are well protected. Stay safe.

MM,

Just saw your thread and wanted to say that I agree you should take yourself to a safe place at once. There will be plenty of time to sort out your feelings once you are there.

I wanted to suggest a book by Lundy Bancroft, called Should I Stay or Should I Go. He also wrote Why Does He Do That?

Please take care, it sounds like you have a lot to work through for yourself right now. Never mind the M for the time being, you need to feel safe and you need to be healthy - mentally, physically, and spiritually.

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:24 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

Find out the name of the local hotline. They will help set you up with a safe shelter. It may be in the next town over, etc. These shelters are safe. No one is allowed in unless she is a resident. No visitors, etc. Of course I can't guarantee that none of the volunteers or workers know him; but the women who do this as a living or volunteer do it because they have a firm belief in protecting others from abuse. Most often because they were victims themselves. Be safe, and if there is anything I can do to help you sort through things, feel free to PM me. I have 3 kids who are all home in a couple of minutes, so it may be a few hours, but I will get back to you. Be safe.

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:24 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

Ok. do NOT tell him where you are going. Call the shelter hotline. Chances are they will help you get what is called a TRO or temporary restraining order against you WH. This means he cannot come within x feet of you. No showing up at your work, no following your car, nothing. Once you have this in place it is up to you not to break it. No sitting in his car to "talk." No taking his calls, absolute crickets. Because here is the thing, once you leave you will be in a situation that is potentially even more dangerous. He will be furious and desperate. He will do things you never thought possible, like lure you back and then beat the shit out of you. He may not do it immediately, but you can bet it will be simmering on the back burner.

So he calls the police. If they show up at your work, you politely explain that you left your abusive husband. They won't make you talk to him. If you work in town and he can get to your place of work, you are going to need to let your employer know what is going on. Look into the temporary restraining order. I would also look into getting a job in a new town. If things are as you describe, he will make your life a living hell.

Say nothing to him. Just leave.

I'm sorry. Your safety must be paramount. He isn't going to change.

Just leave.

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:25 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

Here is the thing about abusers. They don't out themselves immediately. They can be the most charming guys on the planet. That is how women get lured in. The controlling nature often starts slowly and in ways you don't even realize. It just means he really loves you. Over time it takes different forms, until one day you wake up finding yourself justifying the fact that he just beat the crap out of you. Then, they make you believe that they can't live without you, and that you can't live without them. He will tell you he will kill himself if he can't have you. If he is really special, he will come up with some crazy disease that he is supposedly dying of. Anything to rope you back in.

Seriously though, nothing makes an abuser more angry than a partner who dares to leave. Once you are gone, be a ghost.

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:25 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

I didn't read all the way through. It was clear within the first post.

This guy has had so many strikes, he just plain is O-U-T out.

Immediately go to the police station and file a report. When next he touches you in any abusive way, call the police, press charges.

Who cares what happened with you in theory beating him up? You beat the crap out of him? Sister, you didn't beat him hard enough, because he is still full of sh*t.

Save yourself, bail on this POS. And don't look back.

MM, when my mother got up the nerve to leave my father he showed up one night at her apartment and banged on the door until he let her in. Then, he proceeded to tell her and us his teenage children, that he had a brain tumor and he also had prostate cancer. I got to testify about that incident a year later at his trial for raping and beating my mother. Yeah, she went back to him.

This is worth reading when you have time

http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html

My FWH was a vicar and people worship the ground he walks on but he was still controlling and abusive. No one knew.He attended a 28 week course for domestic violence and is doing a lot of work on himself. He still has a long way to go.He also has amazing and loving qualities and is a spectacular dad to our children. He has anger problems. But I have also had a years worth of IC to understand myself and why I have allowed this control. You will need a great deal of IC/therapy to heal from this.Take care brave lady.

Madness Muse, please keep posting, even if it just here once a day to check in. Let us know you are ok.

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:26 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

Thanks for checking in, and glad things are calm for the time being. Unfortunately, as you know, that will come to end sooner or later. Take care.