Everyone has given you great advice, you need to get out as soon as possible.
I second the book recommendation:
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
by Lundy Bancroft
Eye.Opening. I learned that this is NOT about anger, this is about CONTROL. And when they feel out of control/can't have control, then they get angry. As long as they hold just one piece of control, the abuse will come back. He needs help, and so do you.
Google: Cycle of Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Psychological Abuse, Manipulation in Relationships,
Google: Compassion Power Steven Stosny, and read everything you can. He is a very insightful man that lays it out like it is and allows NO excuses for the abuser.
You are in the Reconciliation phase or Honeymoon phase, until you're not. This causes Traumatic Bonding, aka Stockholm Syndrome. This is not love or caring. This is just another form/phase of manipulation and abuse. I understand that you messed up and there are consequences to be expected...manipulation, abuse, alienation, and fear are NOT acceptable consequences.
There is NO excuse for this EVER. Nothing you did or ever could do will make abusing and manipulating you acceptable, but YOU have to believe this, and until you do it will continue.
Please be careful, the most dangerous time is potentially when you leave. You need to plan your emergency bag carefully and keep it either with you at all times or somewhere you can grab it on the way out. After what a friends husband pulled (the very day after we discussed this), I HIGHLY recommend you make a copy of all important documents, a spare set of keys (house and car), a spare cell phone, a change of clothes, secret CC, license and anything else you can think of. She woke up to her purse missing. Every single important piece of paper, along with all forms of ID, cell phone, guns, keys, money and CC's locked in their safe with the code changed.
Go to the bank tomorrow morning to open an account in your name only for all of your money to go into. Be prepared and be safe.
I know that right now you're thinking this sounds crazy. So did she. Hell, so did I when I was suggesting all of this to my friend, until she showed up at my house freaking out with no access to her life. He isn't even physically violent, but extremely controlling and manipulative, and this became her life while she slept.
Good luck MM, I hope you get out and give yourself the life you deserve. Will be thinking about you and praying for you.