SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Everyone has given you great advice, you need to get out as soon as possible.

I second the book recommendation:

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

Eye.Opening. I learned that this is NOT about anger, this is about CONTROL. And when they feel out of control/can't have control, then they get angry. As long as they hold just one piece of control, the abuse will come back. He needs help, and so do you.

Google: Cycle of Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Psychological Abuse, Manipulation in Relationships,

Google: Compassion Power Steven Stosny, and read everything you can. He is a very insightful man that lays it out like it is and allows NO excuses for the abuser.

You are in the Reconciliation phase or Honeymoon phase, until you're not. This causes Traumatic Bonding, aka Stockholm Syndrome. This is not love or caring. This is just another form/phase of manipulation and abuse. I understand that you messed up and there are consequences to be expected...manipulation, abuse, alienation, and fear are NOT acceptable consequences.

There is NO excuse for this EVER. Nothing you did or ever could do will make abusing and manipulating you acceptable, but YOU have to believe this, and until you do it will continue.

Please be careful, the most dangerous time is potentially when you leave. You need to plan your emergency bag carefully and keep it either with you at all times or somewhere you can grab it on the way out. After what a friends husband pulled (the very day after we discussed this), I HIGHLY recommend you make a copy of all important documents, a spare set of keys (house and car), a spare cell phone, a change of clothes, secret CC, license and anything else you can think of. She woke up to her purse missing. Every single important piece of paper, along with all forms of ID, cell phone, guns, keys, money and CC's locked in their safe with the code changed.

Go to the bank tomorrow morning to open an account in your name only for all of your money to go into. Be prepared and be safe.

I know that right now you're thinking this sounds crazy. So did she. Hell, so did I when I was suggesting all of this to my friend, until she showed up at my house freaking out with no access to her life. He isn't even physically violent, but extremely controlling and manipulative, and this became her life while she slept.

Good luck MM, I hope you get out and give yourself the life you deserve. Will be thinking about you and praying for you.

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:32 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

I ran. Mine was hitting, attacking, saying mean things, threatening etc. I took my 3 kids and ran. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I told people, family, friends, strangers, my boss, what had been happening. HARD. I found now barely two weeks later that I didn't love him, I was scared of change. I was scared of what would happen. You know what fear is? It's being concerned about something that MIGHT happen not something that will.

Good luck.

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:32 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:33 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

Thank you for the update. Sending hugs and strength your way.

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:33 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

I think that safety is a big concern for you because you aren't safe, dear. I am so sorry. Please find some help and get some distance from this very toxic relationship.

((Madnessmuse))

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:33 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:34 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

Just bumping because we haven't heard from you in a while. Is everything ok? As you said, stuff is just stuff. I lost everything from my childhood when my mother left my father. I was away at college and she was able to take very little. It is sad, and I understand. But freeing too. Anyway, hope you are safe.

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:34 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

I'm glad to hear you are ok. I would like to put a few things out there for you to consider:

1. You say you will leave if he either hits you or tells you to leave again? Gently, why does he get to be the one to decide when you leave? Do you see how much power you are giving him?

2. Don't let the fact that he is calm now lull you into a false sense of security. If you really believe he can sense you detaching, you are in a lot of danger. Abusers HATE to feel like they are losing control and panic at the idea of being alone. I can just about guarantee that the next time he hits you, it will send you to the hospital - if you're lucky. This is a ticking time bomb Madness, don't forget that.

Take care of yourself my friend.

Oh, and that studio apartment sounds like Heaven

I would not dismiss his positive STD test claim. If you intend to still have sex with him, you need to rationally discuss this and see the report. Just because you are negative once doesn't mean he doesn't have an STD, it could just mean you haven't caught it. RH factor negative does not affect STD tests.

Protect yourself.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 5:31 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. You are obviously smart, strong, and more than capable of escaping this. However every day you stay you are making a choice to risk your life. If you tell yourself anything other than that you ate being a fool.

As the bruises fade so does the memory of the terror and disbelief you suffered. You justify his behavior, yet logically know that you are wrong. Quit telling yourself that you will leave the next time he does x y or z. You aren't there yet if you were you would be gone.

I hope you do have a go bag and that you have cash stashed and that you have a place to go far away from this maniac. He is a sick an unstable person. Every night you choose to sleep under the same roof as he you are risking your life.

As a former ICU &ER nurse I can't tell you the number of times I have witnessed this. Just know that it can end with an obituary. I saw it 3 times. A woman brutally beaten and sexually abused to the point of severe brain bleed that she never woke up again. Another shot 3 times by her husband because she wouldn't be quiet and attempted to leave. Lastly a 27 year old that was stabbed to death be ause her boyfriend was convinced she was cheating. All the friends and family said they had no idea because he was sooo sweet.

My point is you are close but that can be the most dangerous time of all. Get ready and get out. Don't become another sad story. You have what it takes to escape. So do it.

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:35 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

Please be selfish.

He is using your guilt over your actions to manipulate you.

You do not owe anything to him.

People have to own their behaviors. That means, not that you have to stay for cheating, but that anything he 'became' afterwards is on HIM.

The only person you owe anything to you, is yourself.

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:35 PM, April 18th (Friday)]