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Good topic. I was resentful because BH closed the bakery. He and I had patronized it throughout our entire relationship...with the agreement that I didn't want (and would never eat) one particular variety of cake. When I went behind his back and ate the cake anyway, he closed the bakery, and I resented it. Big time.

Now I realize, eating that cake was a way of momentarily satisfying a craving that I need to kick. To satisfy in healthy ways. No more cake for me, and I'm glad the bakery is closed, but I'd be lying if I didn't sometimes think about peeking through the paper currently covering the windows. I'm a work in progress.

Resentment:

I don't know that I resent my BH for anything A, or post A related. I know that I held onto a ton of resentment for pre A issues. One of the hardest things to come to terms with for me, is learning how some of the things I resented the most were not actually things he did at all.

That's not to say that I don't resent some of the consequences, but I don't resent BH for them. I resent being untrustworthy, but I don't resent BH for not trusting me. I resent being broken to the point that I would choose to violate my own values. I don't resent my BH for my brokenness. I resent the mess I find my life in, but my BH is not responsible for it. I am.

But, I agree. My resentment is totally about me. It has very little to do with my BH. And, it reflects what I believe I should have, now and before.

I don't believe that I feel any resentment towards my wife. I doubt she'd agree with me about that point, as when I am confronted my immediate response is often defensiveness and frustration. Before and after DDay I definitely blamed her for a great number of things and resented her for them. They were only justifications for my own choices and guilt. And flat out untruths to boot. It wasn't until I realized that I hadn't really tried, that I was justifying not trying, that I could let go of that resentment.

I still get angry and frustrated far, far more easily than I would prefer. It fades away rapidly once I have an understanding of a situation and realize that I'm not under siege. I have to consciously remember to take into account the feelings behind what's being communicated to me.

These insights are really very helpful in understanding my own feelings of resentment when it occurs. It is truly a monster that I wrestle with but once I remind myself of my deluded self-image then it does go away . One has to be vigilant at all times. It is always a work in progress as one of you have said. What is also very helpful is that we know that we do have the freedom, the choice and the ability to discover that we can be a better person, a healthier individual and a loving partner.

Resentment, I have created a lifetime of it. Through poor boundaries, lack of awareness, poor choices and frustration, guilt and shame. I'm even going through a bout of it now as I feel squeezed and cannot fulfill my commitments. Its really about being angry at myself, but somehow this anger seeps out to those around me through non-verbal communication. As the stress builds, I would start to blame the people around me and communicate my anger towards them non-verbally. The people around feel that anger, I think that is resentment in my little world.

I believe that resentment is at the root of my infidelities. It is such a twisted way to live, its so hard to undo. I'm trying to address this by being aware of it, putting up better boundaries so I don't over commit and be aware of what I am communicating. Its a struggle, but that is life.

Wario

Grains is right in his use of the term "monster" to describe the resentment. This emotion more than any others is the one I am working so hard to manage and live with and try and find positive uses for it.

One technique that is helping is my therapist telling me it's okay to be angry and resentful in my IC sessions. So my personal boundary is to deal with it in there, where I have help and understanding to get through them, as opposed to out in the open where the people I love - my BS, my children, my family - can get hurt.

It's a small thing, but it helps to know there is always a place where I can work through it...as opposed to some failed attempt at bottling it up (which got me here in the first place..)

Sorry to t/j!

CantBeUndone and Trying,

Something we discovered today in MC made me think of your comments on this thread and I wondered if it would help.

Our MC identified our M as a persuer/distancer relationship. The problems that come from this type of relationship are really common but perfectly describe both me and my H. Our MC thinks, although we haven't explored it fully yet, that this relationship imbalance is the 'why' for my A.

If you're in MC, bring it up and/or google it. There is tons of information on it.

Unfortunately, infidelity in itself creates a persuer/distancer relationship, so if you already had this imbalance it further compounds the issue. Our MC is very confident that it is 'fixable' though.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 10:44 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

I always find myself saying, "I'm not that type of guy". But I was to the worst degree. I guess sometimes I say that to myself to convince myself... even though I haven't fully forgiven myself for everything that I did. I do now own the fact that I was that type of person, but I am having trouble Forgiving myself and finding worth in myself when I think about everything together.

Our MC identified our M as a persuer/distancer relationship. The problems that come from this type of relationship are really common but perfectly describe both me and my H. Our MC thinks, although we haven't explored it fully yet, that this relationship imbalance is the 'why' for my A.

PURSUERS TEND TO:

*Open up most freely when they aren’t being pushed, pursued, or criticized by their partner.

I think whoever wrote this has secret cameras in my house. Can't think of a more accurate way to describe the dynamics in my M. But what does one do now? How can I change this dynamic to stop the resentment?

While I'm not sure the pursuer/distancer describes my marriage perfectly, I found one article that gave this example:

"Let's talk about why we're not communicating anymore," Karen laments as her husband Erik reads the newspaper. "How can we get along if we don't work on our problems?"

"I'm not sure what problems you're talking about," Erik says. "We don't have any problems."

I'm pretty sure my BS and I had that exact conversation... repeatedly. The conclusion I came to was that as long as we were having sex (even if he had to badger me for an hour to get it) he figured everything was fine. Whereas for me, it wasn't fine and the sex made it worse. He's not a talker and rarely discusses his emotions. I thought this was just a personality trait, some people are more open, some are more private. I don't know. This is definitely worth looking into. Thanks for the info!

"I'm not sure what problems you're talking about," Erik says. "We don't have any problems."

and my H would usually add..

"it's all in your head" and "you're just creating issues because you're bored"

I need to put my hand up and say my resentment towards my BH was definitely a large contributor to the A. I resented things about work, I resented things about home. In reality what the resentment was was a lack of appreciation and gratitude for the effort of my BH put into our family I felt unappreciated and so I didn't appreciate him in return. This led to a sense of self entitlement which resulted in the A. I don't use it as an excuse. I own what I did.

What I am resentful about now is the attitude towards the AP or OW or OM. So much blame is heaped upon them and forgiveness is given to WH or WW. The WH or WW was an AP too.

These threads about revenge seem so hypocritical. No one but my BH and a few friends know the effort we are putting into our M. I've suffered the consequences of my actions, first and foremost I have to live with myself every day. I'm shamed by what I did. 2nd I am and will always work hard to rebuild my M and my family. I want to give my H what he actually deserves. 3rd, I lost my job- a direct result of the A. Career and financial losses there.

I don't doubt the OBS will try and have me fired again, and again. She doesn't know I am remorseful.

What I resent now is the attitude of entitlement some feel as a result of the A, when in many cases resent contributed to the problems in the first place. I resent the attitude which promotes the ongoing harm from the 'fall out of the A' years after the fact.

I don't resent my BH anymore and will strive to never take him for granted again. I don't resent the OM because I know he has mental health issues as deep as my own. I don't resent the initial reaction of the OBS, she was entitled to her hurt & anger. I will resent any further attempts to hurt my family and I will repay like with like.

OM deleted all correspondence. I didn't.

@Noturfan - You do have the right to protect your family and feel anger when your family is threatened. I do not think that anything good comes from the intention to cause harm. This is what I did as a wayward. I caused great harm to my BS. I can understand why she needed to protect herself from me and also have rage and anger at me. She has the right to that as anybody in a situation where they are harmed and threatened.

@wario - Please be kind and gentle to your good self. I have my deluded self-image which I have recognized and decided to discard. I want to be a good person and that person I will not hate or be angry at.

Prayingforhope is right in that it is always good to find a place to talk about your resentment and anger. It really helps in giving a feeling of release from a burden. SI is one place. A confessor or counselor is another. A 12 step group can be very helpful too.

Ok. I spoke too soon when I said I did not have resentment post A. Tonight I felt it. I asked for him to do something, and framed it as a request for help. He decided not to comply with the request. And then expressed his anger, his pain, his resentment, and his frustration by responding to my request with, "No, you need to figure out your shit."

*sigh* yep, that's true. I do. I'm angry, and afraid, and I resent him for being a stubborn asshole. I know that I'm going to be told by my IC that this is actually good for me. I need to be independent, or rather, self reliant. I know he isn't a stubborn asshole , just a very hurt person who is just doing his best to hold on... to survive.

Double post... Weird.

[This message edited by Wayflost at 8:57 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

Trying and CBU - Yup, I read both those articles last night, I read everything I could find on google, it took me hours! I plan to discuss it all in more detail with our MC.

But what does one do now? How can I change this dynamic to stop the resentment?

There are lots more articles on google about how to break the cycle. Both partners have to be aware of the situation and willing to make a change (harder for distancers because by their very nature, they resist change) but it is possible.

The persuer has to give up the chase and change the way they communicate their needs. The distancer has to look within themselves to find out what about intimacy scares them so much and take themselves out of their comfort zone and make an effort to connect with their spouse.

As I was reading about it, I was surprised to find that I was angry. Angry about the years of chasing I had been doing, angry that I hadn't seen what I was doing until now, angry at the realisation that my persuer coping mechanism coupled with my deep rooted self loathing was the 'why' for my A.

Then I made a decision to make a change, if I could get the right help and support I could make myself a better person.

I discussed what I had been reading with BH. He lost the plot, he was angry and lashed out.

Why hadn't I realised all this before? Why hadn't I fixed myself for him? Why had I not gone to counselling? I'll never be different, it's just the way I am and I'm a horrible person. He said he didn't see the point in carrying on anymore, why would he want to be with someone like me? These questions were thrown at me and he wanted answers, I didn't know what to say.

Today is a bad day

Thanks grains for starting this thread on Resentment. It forced me to take a look at my own. So I Started looking more deeply into resentment today. (This is also a repost from my own thread so I thought I'd share it with you)

I started with the wikipedia article

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resentment

Then read a reference by Stonsy

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200806/emotional-abuse-is-your-relationship-headed-there-you-might

The very technical definition of resentment states that Resentment is inline with contempt and anger. However resentment is directed towards higher-status individuals, anger is directed towards equal-status individuals and contempt is directed towards lower-status individuals. When the person feeling resentment is directing the emotion at himself or herself, it appears as remorse.

The idea that it is anger directed at someone higher in status or in a position of power is interesting to me. I very much thought my BS was at a higher level and I thought I was inferior throughout our relationship. Adding infidelity into the relationship just cemented that situation and perception. Many times I did not voice my discontent, or felt pressured into decisions I thought were not mine to make. This goes back to my issues with my mom and the racism and bullying I endured when I was growing up. For me, the inferiority, powerlessness and humiliation were very strong, at the time they did not feel like mere perceptions but were openly communicated to me by the offending parties (i.e. Mom, kids at school, my BS).

The wikipedia article mentions that resentment can result from a variety of situations, involving an actual or perceived wrongdoing from an individual, and often are sparked by expressions of injustice or humiliation. Common sources of resentment include publicly humiliating incidents such as accepting negative treatment without voicing any protest, an object of regular discrimination or prejudice. Resentment can also be generated by dyadic interactions, such as emotional rejection or denial by another person, deliberate embarrassment or belittling by another person, or ignorance, putting down, or scorn by another person.

Stonsy's article on resentment describes it as a "Chain" with links that add on each time we feel wronged. The metaphor of a chain is a good one as the weight builds with each link and the fact that it ties you down. I guess the way to deliver oneself from the resentment would be to follow the chain to the source and cut it, to let it go. All the hurt, all the bitterness has to be emptied from my heart to make room for love and kindness for me and to my BS.

I'm going to sit with this awhile.

Wario

I resent my BH for throwing my OEA and lies in my face on a daily basis. For reminding me that I'm a terrible person who has done terrible things when I'm already battling self-hatred. But in reality, this resentment is just at myself for bringing this upon myself.

Both partners have to be aware of the situation and willing to make a change (harder for distancers because by their very nature, they resist change) but it is possible.

This is the crux of it. My BH is the distancer and also the one that has been betrayed. It doesn't seem like he's at a point where he can work towards changing this (I say seem because I have to interpret his behaviour as he doesn't talk to me about the A). In the meantime, I continue pursuing and so the cycle continues.

I discussed what I had been reading with BH. He lost the plot, he was angry and lashed out.

Why hadn't I realised all this before? Why hadn't I fixed myself for him? Why had I not gone to counselling? I'll never be different, it's just the way I am and I'm a horrible person. He said he didn't see the point in carrying on anymore, why would he want to be with someone like me? These questions were thrown at me and he wanted answers, I didn't know what to say.

^^^ my point exactly.. he doesn't seem ready to accept his part of the communication issues. Perhaps it's too soon. His response was harsh and it seems like he was lashing out. Angry.

The idea that it is anger directed at someone higher in status or in a position of power is interesting to me. I very much thought my BS was at a higher level and I thought I was inferior throughout our relationship.

This is very interesting to me too and resonates. My H and I are from totally different social classes, he from upper me from middle. I think I resented him from day 1 about this but just never recognised it. There was a pull/push away and towards his crude and indulgent way of life.

It would seem resentment is tightly associated with feeling belittled or inferior. Somehow projecting that onto the other person. I have never felt good enough for my H. This has been a consistent theme throughout our marriage. Only now do I feel like I'm starting to gain some control of my life, after 10 years of M.

Also, for me, feeling inferior is linked with self-identity issues; who am I? I tried to mould myself into what my H wanted and I did a good job. Who's fault is that? Mine or his? I genuinely feel I was groomed like a doggy on a behaviour modification programme, being rewarded for good behaviour which was very powerful at the time as I was only as good as the positive reinforcement I received. Now that I'm asserting my wants and needs and not "falling into line" my H is perturbed and lost. He doesn't know how to handle me.

This topic is really helping me to dig deep. Thank-you.

This is the crux of it. My BH is the distancer and also the one that has been betrayed. It doesn't seem like he's at a point where he can work towards changing this (I say seem because I have to interpret his behaviour as he doesn't talk to me about the A). In the meantime, I continue pursuing and so the cycle continues.

We are in very similar situations. My BH is willing to talk about the effects of the A, how he is feeling but nothing else. He doesn't ask questions, he doesn't want to know about it at all. I am beginning to realise it is too soon for him to discuss the 'why'.

We're in limbo, he doesn't know whether to stay or go. My role as the pursuer has become more entrenched since I confessed the A and he (naturally) is distancing. It will be hard to break the cycle.

I have asked if we can talk again once the children are in bed. It's only been five weeks since Dday, hopefully he will agree it is too soon to make permanent decisions.

Our MC session on Tuesday can't come soon enough!