SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HoldOnHope, you're doing great. Focus on yourself and your children. They will be fine with separated/divorced parents, I promise. Do what is right for you and it will be right for them. You are being so strong and I am in awe! I know there's a bright and happy future out there for you, free of this deception.

Thank you, Norabird :) All of this had made me realize I'm much stronger than I ever would have given myself credit for a year ago.

I appreciate your kind words and encouragement!

I really do not want to get a divorce (for several reasons- although none of those reasons have to do with wanting to be with HIM)

If at 29, your only reason for foregoing divorcing a serial cheater isn't that you know deep down in your heart he is the only man you will ever love as profoundly as you do him, there is no reason to reconcile. You have at least 50 years of joys, sorrows and humdrum days and years ahead of you. Do you really want along for that journey, the man who was cheating on you when he proposed marriage to you? Finances, a two biological parent marriage, fear of being on your own, stigma of divorce, etc. are not reasons that are good enough for issuing him a ticket to your journey through life. They are excuses for not revoking his ticket.

At 59, there are other reasons for remaining married to a serial cheater. Not at 29, at 29 you need to be madly in love with him. That doesn't guarantee that your life will be wonderful if you divorce him or that you won't find yourself involved with another unfaithful man in the future. What it does give you is the chance to find the man you really want to be with, no matter what. As wonderful as love can be, it can be just as hurtful, you don't get one side of the coin without the other side. If you can't say now that loving him is worth both sides of that coin, you will look back in a decade or three and regret you didn't give yourself the chance to find the man who is worth tossing the coin with.

[This message edited by Matisse at 4:30 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

(((HoldOnHope)))

My story is a little different. The stripper at my WH's bachelor party gave him a blow job. He didn't tell me because he didn't want me to call off the wedding. This is sad because I didn't have a choice that way. 20 years later he has a LTA. Maybe I would have called off the wedding but it would have been my CHOICE.

Matisse- thank you for your post. It brought me to tears because what you wrote is true. I used to be madly in love with him but that love was nurtured in the illusion that I had finally found the one man I could fully trust. Once that trust was broken I knew deep down I would never feel the same about him. The TT were just the nails in the coffin.

I realize that getting a divorce doesn't necessarily mean I will find happiness with another man and I am ok with that. I'll be happier on my own than remaining married to someone who has betrayed me like this. Finances are not an issue and I'm not afraid to be on my own (or to be a single parent, although I believe he will remain very present in our children's lives). It's all about my son and the current pregnancy at this point. But you are right, I can't use that as an excuse. He has lost the privilege of being part of my journey through life. And, in a decade, I really will regret staying...

Within the first year of finding out, did you struggle with whether or not you wanted to R or D?

We had been married so long, had 4 kids and I had invested my entire life in him and our family, I knew I could go home to my parents with all the kids, so I never felt "stuck" in the M, but I did not really struggle with the decision to R, my H litterally changed who he was, he had a life changing event happen that so far is still happening, no regressing.

How long did it take you to decide you truly wanted to R?

I knew right away. My H changed about 6 weeks prior to D-day, (it is a long story) and he never had to tell me about the infideltiy, but he chose to, that meant a lot, he was willing to risk it all to become "honest" finally so he could become a new person. The change was super disconcerting for a long time because I did not trust it and he was so different, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop ya know. But so far it has not, been over 6 years.

What did your husband do to prove he was deserving of R after years (and the depth) of betrayal?

Well, what I wrote above is part of it. But honestly he is not deserving of R, and he knows that (which also goes a long way), my name is about grace, I am a firm believer in it and R is really more about me and who I am than him, I do expect things from him, but it is not all on him.

Like everyone on SI, I want to be happy and I truly feel like I will be happier in the long run if I D, but I haven't taken the step to file for D yet. Honestly, right now I am staying for the kids (2 year old son and currently pregnant). I think my WH is also the type of guy who felt guilty, tried to stop, then "fell off the wagon", and was too proud to ask for help. I used to see him as a very patient and calm person but now that I see the real person under all of his brokenness I realize that he just compartmentalized all of his frustrations/stress/anger and the cheating (mostly sexting) was a very unhealthy coping mechanism during very stressful points in his life. Over time, I have come to better understand just how much this is about him and not about me.

Your H and mine sound similar, falling off the wagon, brokenness, etc. You need to follow your heard to be happy, only you will know if you should stay or go, kids or not, do what you need.

Part of me aknowledges that I will, eventually, be able to let go of some of the pain and anger I feel. Maybe then I will want to R? The question I keep coming back to is, "how can he possibly be faithful for the next 40 years of our lives if you couldn't be faithful for less than a year when we were dating?" The answer lies within whether or not he is able and willing to tackle his brokenness. I don't know if I want to sit around for a few more years waiting to see if I can forgive him and if he can actually be faithful.

This part I sooooo get, even though I committed to R right away, I too asked those questions, I looked at the risk of having the other shoe drop on me 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years down the road. I did start to get my ducks in a row because if the shoe dropped I wanted to be able to take care of me and my kids and I am still getting my ducks in a row, I do not plan to leave or anything just want the peace of mind to feel I have control of MY life should I need it. I now invest in me and H supports that.

How did you get to the point of forgiveness? How long did it take you?

There is sooo much to forgive, each thing has to be dealt with on its own and usually it touches on a new area I had not realized and that area has to be dealt with, so some things have been accepted and forgiven and some are still being worked on, I honestly have no idea when or if it will all be "done", we had basically 20 years where I lived a lie, where I invested in something that was not real, I was manipulated and taken advantage of, my life and health were put at risk, it was serious so I am not rushing it. It is a process for me.

I wish you well as you figure this out,

feel free to contact me this way or in pm later when you can,

Grace