SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

2yrsblind...

You have a PM.

I'm also going to go against the grain of the majority, because what the original poster is describing is exactly how my cheating with an ex took root. Idealizing him, romanticizing our past, wishing I'd married him instead of my XH. Neveragain1221's H hasn't acted on it. OK. But there was a time that I hadn't acted on it, too...yet. Just sayin'.

I'm not saying that every BS with these thoughts is destined to go down that road. Not at all. But to say it's not at all a possibility, and to use neveragain1221's cheating to deflect from her H's slippery slope, is IMO disingenuous.

And not trying to call anyone out, but I can't imagine anyone, on SI or in life, being hunky-dory with their spouse or SO actively ruminating about how it'd be to cultivate a life with another person without it just being a passing thought, unless they're in an open M or already cheating themselves. I once asked my XH to suppose that I'd come to him with my feelings about & for the AP before I'd cheated. XH said he'd still have shown me the door, even if nothing had happened---if I wanted to be with someone else so badly, don't let the door hit ya, you know?

He hasn't gone so far as to wish he was with her instead of me. I'm just afraid of the potential for that to happen, because things will be rough as we try to rebuild. I'm afraid that, even though he hasn't acted and he's been really good at avoiding her, he'll still think of her romantically when the going gets tough. I don't believe he's stringing her along or keeping her waiting, but I guess it's hard for me to understand how you can have such strong feelings for someone and pretend they don't exist. You don't just instantly feel that attracted to someone. Getting from "I think they're cute" to "I want a relationship with them" takes thought.

I suppose I am projecting. I allowed myself to develop feelings like that about someone in the past, and I did act. I'm so concerned because I know how strong those feelings can be. Avoidance is a good thing, but it's inevitable that we WILL see her again. Everything he told me he used to feel for her will come back once he does. That is also inevitable.

After I ended my A, nearly 2 years prior to D-day, I kept myself on high alert to avoid betraying him again. I kept a critical eye on my feelings. Of course I was attracted to people, but I never again allowed it to move beyond the realm of "he's cute". If I felt like I was in danger of becoming any more attached, I did everything I could to back off and kill the feeling.

I guess he did the same thing, but he didn't kill it when it started, and instead let it develop into full blown romantic feelings before backing off. That is why I'm so threatened by it. He says he doesn't love her and never did, but you have to feel something strong to want a "long term relationship" with someone. Not just a relationship, but he actually clarified that he'd want a "long term" thing with her if I wasn't around. That is why I'm worked up about it.

I have loads of respect for him for not seeing her and for trying to avoid her, and I appreciate it. I am trying to have faith that he will continue on that path, but I can't relax knowing that he feels like that, and that we'll be seeing her again.

[This message edited by Neveragain1221 at 2:24 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

NeverAgain,

I can't help but think your BH is playing up this entire situation purposely as a way of lashing out or giving you a tiny taste of the giant shit sandwich you have forced him to deal with.

I think he WANTS you to feel the fear and paranoia that come with realizing the loyalty and security a partner always ASSUMES they have with their SO is actually not a guaranteed thing.

This is the reality you have now FORCED him to live. That 'safe' feeling in him is gone FOREVER, even if you manage to save your M and he eventually finds a measure of trust and comfort with you in the future.

I think a BS really wants a WS to understand their pain and the reality they now live every day.

These conversations between you two about past feelings of attraction have given him the opportunity to show you a small glimpse of the hell his life now is and the massive insecurity he lives with on a daily basis.

If there was never any hint of these 'feelings' and 'thoughts' from before in your M and he actively avoided interacting with her (or the other women)in inappropriate ways, then my money would be on him playing up this entire situation to make a point to you.

and about one of his ex girlfriends. When she talks to him, she tells him that she still loves him and she regrets leaving him and she wants to be together again one day. She's been saying this stuff to him for our entire relationship, and he hid it from me and never told her to stop. Even before he knew about the A, even before I started the A, he was allowing another woman, an old flame, to profess her love and feelings for him.

Hellllloooooo???!

People ^^^this IS an EA.

Neveragain,

You aren't being irrational. He has been in an EA with his exGF. You have both probably had a disconnect with each other throughout the relationship. It's touchy because you absolutely can NOT shift any of the blame for your A onto him even though he was in an EA maybe all along... You could have made healthy choices to get your needs met. You could have communicated with him, gone to IC, left.... He is in no way to blame for you having an A.

I also recommend you do some reading together. Not Just Friends to start with. You should both get a copy and write in it highlight it take notes and discuss each chapter. Do it now.

Also he needs to go NC forever with his ex. You both need to build up safe boundaries around yourselves and your M. ASAP.

On another note. My BH started telling me about other women flirting with him and about him struggling with drastically increased temptations after dday. He also would *see* other women like he never did before during our marriage. He was also very tempted to look at porn which he has never done. He resisted these temptations but it was very difficult for him. I believe he still struggles some.

The thing about mentioning other women flirting with him or paying attention to him to me was that he really wanted me to get a taste of what it feels like. He knows I will never know exactly what he feels but he really wants me to. He wants me to fully understand what I've done to him and he knows I never will be able to *completely* understand because even if he did the exact same thing to me my experience of it would be different. My life experiences, my brokenness, would color how I would *feel* it.

I don't believe he was engaging in an EA with his old girlfriend, but I do believe she was trying to start an EA with him. He says he still has feelings for her, but that he does not want to go back to her. We have talked about it, and he's agreed that the next time she contacts him, he'll let her know that she can't talk to him like that anymore, and that it's disrespectful to him, me, and our marriage. If she gets mad, tough. He also tells me every time she calls him, and lets me know what they talk about.

I don't want them to go full NC. They were both loners in school, and they were each others only friends. They dated briefly, no sex, and she ended up dumping him for another guy. He was hurt, but he moved on. They have been friends for years, and I don't want to make him sever that. She lives in New York state, and we live in Minnesota, so it's not like they can cross paths accidentally or anything. We've visited her when we go to NY to see his family, and I really do think she's a nice person and I don't think she deserves a full NC. I think she just doesn't understand boundaries as fully as she should, but I'm pretty sure once he talks to her she'll stop.

As for everything else, my BH and I spend several hours last night talking about everything. We have agreed to this: If we ever feel strongly attracted to anyone else, we'll 1) tell each other, and 2) avoid all contact with them unless we're both present. If we're going to go somewhere solo, and we get there and see somoene we're attracted to, we'll leave to avoid any temptation or bad situations.

Those are good boundries, and I am happy with them.

Please say you will read Not Just Friends.

He's already read it. I'm about halfway through. It's a good one.

I'm about to read it again.