SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First off, welcome to SI, sorry you had a need for us. Second, just (((kellys))). Third, yes I feel it is bad timing to quit your job right now. Sorry.

Hi, Kelly,

I find your situation heart-rending and want you to know a lot of people care, even though only a small percentage will post.

You are doing GREAT. You sound really level-headed with good self-esteem.

Just in terms of your last post, you sound slightly manic. That is to be expected, but it also will cycle into less energy and sad and nostalgic and etc etc, so just be very gentle with yourself. That is the number one thing, gentle and slow.

So right now you are all about skiing and tennis lessons etc., and plans for yourself and the kids are the right direction, but also you don't have to overwhelm or book yourself in too far in the future. The coming week sounds great, so be present to that and be organic one week at a time.

In terms of FB and the like, just a caution that unfriending etc. can create drama and distraction. I found it best to simply not go on social media and unsubscribe from its emails (so and so liked such and such! who cares). That prevents a secondary and imo childish drama, when we are all adults and this shit is real. What I'm saying is don't check back to see who noticed, ask your husband to explain why you unfriended -- it's all really dumb and is not part of your strength, maturity, and being good to yourself.

Finally, about your job. I would advise against quitting now. I really would. You need that six months' cushion, six months passes fast, and you need the structure of being around adults and experiencing your professional competence. If you quit you will burn through savings, lose critical adult-in-the-world structure, have to soon think about applying/interviewing, and try to be SAHM-of-the-year while in crisis. It's a bad idea, although I understand the appeal. I say this as someone 6 months unemployed after leaving a job I was sure I hated. Six months goes FAST. And i felt unmoored and far less productive than I imagined when I fantasized about not being in a job. Plus, I did get validation and human adult connection from even my job. PLUS health insurance and other benefits are priceless.

Finally finally, you are doing great with the 180 and it reads as strong from here and also I am sure to your suddenly panicking spouse. Please keep it up. I often read on here about late-night texting sessions, wistful emails, or even the dreaded 10-page I love you but you hurt me how could you I hate you I love you come back go away email. Do not indulge!!!! There is nothing that will help BOTH you and POTENTIALLY your marriage right now more than being calm, brusque, stating your needs and letting go of outcome. It is a powerful position, whether you feel it or not. The point is not whether he "gets it" or whether he sends an angry or plaintive or whatever message; the point is that for you to have a life that works for you, and the CHANCE of a marriage that really feels safe and loving, you have to move from a place of deep integrity, congruent with your true needs. You won't need to shout those or contrast your integrity with his immature escapism. It will be obvious. IF and only IF you refuse to be reactive, baited into listening to his excuses or tale of confusion and woe, refuse to obsess about the various bizarre-world aspects of his affair, refuse to play into the soap-opera role they have made for you, and refuse to over-communicate your pain (in any begging/ why-why-why way I mean) OR your requirements list.

He knows what you need from him. Now let go and let him stew in in it and get some balls and step the f*ck up. No negotiating. He also should get to IC im-friggin-mediately because he does not know which way is up, and that's on him, you are not the rescue party.

much love.

You mentioned that your WH's normal characteristic personality was that of a grump..

Same as what I lived with day in and day out with my WH..

That alone makes any misdeed my WH did a deal breaker..

I was so incredibly sick of walking on eggshells by the time D day came..I did it for with my WH for decades..D- day and an un remorseful angry WH made me decide to check out on the M (mentally) a long time ago..I am still getting my ducks in a row physically/financially to D..

Definitely not worth it to try to save our marriage and face the rest of my life being taken advantage of by somebody who will make the quality of my life a sucky one...

Make an appointment with a lawyer and don't make any decisions about job changes until you understand how it will effect your situation if you decide to D.

NO! Do not allow him to destroy the evidence!!!!

Have him give you his iPhone, computer, iPad, anything and everything he was using to communicate with. SAVE all evidence!

You do not know yet what will happen in the future, and if there is even the possibility of divorce, the evidence is something you will need.

Please get tested for STD's immediately, and see a lawyer to find out what your rights are in the event of divorce.

Stay strong,

PPGA

Thanks for the advice, BlindersOff and everyone.

Maybe what I should be doing is looking to replace my job with something less stressful, maybe P/T or at least more family-friendly hours. Eventually. Still a change for the better, but you're right, don't want to deal with job hunting when the money runs out.

I hadn't thought about the FB drama angle. Oops. I meant it like, "I get to remove all the things in my life that I don't have to keep if we aren't together!" But yes, kind of manic and impulsive. The pink duvet is okay, though, right? Just kidding. I don't know how anyone would notice I unfriended them. You don't really get a notice or anything, do you? Dang. Oh well. I will be careful to avoid anything drama-related going forward.

I would give up FB altogether, except that it's the one way I keep in great touch with aunts, uncles and cousins scattered around the country, see photos of their kids, etc. Maybe I should go on a hiatus for a few months instead... I'll think about it and definitely take your advice to avoid any future drama or anything that smacks of pettiness.

I had to re-read your paragraph about the 180 a few times to absorb it. I need to be careful not to over communicate, over emote, over understand, etc. What do you mean when you say not to over communicate your requirement list?

I get another poster's point about not quitting your job...Maybe you can scale back to part time or work from home some of the time and go into the office some of the time..

I retired from my job because I was essentially forced to..I was of early retirement age andI had enough years of service to be paid very near the full retirement pension..My job description and our policies had changed so drastically..I no longer wanted to do ALL of the extra stuff it was gonna take to keep my job... I was gonna be evaluated this coming year based on the new structure of my job description..I also had long commute..I miss the people but I don't miss the job...Almost a year has gone and the year zoomed by..

I also feel that my staying in retirement for the time being( due to health reasons) may work to my advantage in that I won't be as exposed to the possibility of having to pay my WH high alimony payments in a divorce settlement..

So if you can scale back without quitting, you may have security of paychecks and still have more time for yourself ...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:05 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Kelly, I'm one who chose not to stay and I don't regret it for one single minute. Not everyone has it in them to reconcile; it's a personal choice for all of us and if you don't feel it would be a good thing for you, then that's perfectly fine if you choose another path.

Honestly? It sounds like this young bimbo is playing your husband like a fiddle. He's a middle-aged fool who thinks a hot 22 year old REALLY wants him but it kind of sounds more like she's been playing him for everything she could get from him - as well as the entertainment it provided her watching him jump through hoops like a desperate fool. You said he gave her gifts and money and prescription drugs and whatever else she could squeeze out of him. He acted like a sappy hormonal teenage boy over her while she gave him lip service mostly and used sex to keep his tail wagging. Just everything points to her faking the whole thing. Hey, if it were REALLY the love-fest of the century, she wouldn't have moved CLEAR across the country, now would she?

Your husband is acting like the affair is over because it ran it's course and he smartened up. But obviously, it ended because she chose to move away, not through any actions of his. So why he thinks you're supposed to be grateful that it ended back in 2012 is beyond me. I think these two would still be playing Mr. Midlife Crisis and Little Lolita if she hadn't moved.

And I think THAT speaks volumes.

I think his sudden 'remorse' is a big circus act in order to stay with you and the kids and not have to move out into his own place and face the consequences for his actions, if I'm being honest. I also think he'll continue to stay in touch with her for daily ego feed and cheap sex thrill because he can use APPS on his phone to do it and they don't show up on your cell phone bill like calls and texts do. He can do it without leaving a trace like he's done for the last couple of years, and I believe he'll continue to do it.

You sound strong and I think you're making very smart, independent decisions. I'm so glad you're not stuck financially with no options. Good for you.

I did try to cut and paste the contents of the text to save them, so I have something. Also a couple of initial e-mails back and forth with shocking details and him confirming or at least not denying anything.

I need to see an attorney already? Just to be separated? I do want to set myself up to make sure I get custody... From what I've read in Washington State they usually don't go for 50/50 (whew!) and do the alternating weekends + one weeknight thing. I AM my children's home and need to do whatever I can now to make that apparent if we go to court. One of my motivations for having him leave, actually. Setting that schedule up right now so the courts will see that it's been working and not make a significant change.

Washington is a no-fault divorce and community state, so I don't know if the text transcripts will help. I just saved them because they are beyond damning and I thought they might possibly give me some leverage with custody, if I need it. (Sending her his prescription drugs, for example.)

I'll think about asking for his phone, depending on his response to my demands. He might just decide this is too unpleasant and too much work and agree to move out and stay out, which is fine, too.

Does anyone just get legally separated? What's the benefit of being divorced, really?

(((Kelly)))

I am so sorry ! I had to reach out and tell you that you have found a great website for help. The webiste no one really wants to find...but you are here with all of us who have experienced the same pain. I know the shock for sure. It hurts...I know !!! I had that same shock, but different circumstances. My "H" also had a long term affair for 2 1/2 years. I found out her identity from law enforcement. She was stalking me! He not only cheated on me, but was involved with a mentally unstable woman. She now has 4 felony convictions and I am in court with an Attorney. he had no idea she was the one stalking me either. We have been in therapy for 6 months and things are going VERY well. In some ways, my relationship has been the best it has ever been. it is hard work...but I am glad I am trying. Please know that one thing.. You are goign to be ok and will get through this.

You should speak with an attorney to find out what your rights are with regards to separation. It is always best to have the right legal advice for your particular situation (which no one here can do).

This way you will go into this with your eyes wide open.

Did your husband have sex with her? Actually, even if he says he didn't, you need to get an STD check - make it one of your requirements for him too. Be sure he shows you his test results. Getting the STD check is a really hard step to take for a lot of us, for whatever reason, but like the visit with an attorney, it is for your peace of mind.

Hang in there.

I'll let more experienced members speak to the legal and saving-evidence aspects.

In terms of the 180, what i meant is that in an earlier post you set forth what you want from him right now. Not sure if/how you've communicated that to him yet. What i was saying is, insofar as you can, you communicate clearly and almost neutrally, and then sit back. If you negotiate or clarify or engage in listening to him complain that they are onerous etc., the waters get muddied and old dynamics and communication patterns undermine the original clarity.

I know it's hard, but this is a major life crisis, due entirely to his actions. Actions speak louder than words. So step back and see what he does, which is much easier to see when there ISN'T a lot of emotional communication and you get drawn into what he *says* or end up explaining what you *say* or *meant* -- that is the quicksand.

[This message edited by blinders_off at 2:36 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Copying and pasting is better than nothing, but does not PROVE anything, because, lets face it, anybody could 'create' any sort of document.

You need screen shots, or even take a pic with your phone, of his phone with the texts showing.

Even that is not solid proof....BUT, any of this may be helpful with a financial split, custody, or, like you say, negotiations.

My state is a 'fault' state so, any and all proof, can impact a financial split. If I can prove adultery in my state, the judge can award me a 60/40 split, instead of 50/50. It can also facilitate a quicker divorce.

So, don't throw out any evidence until things are settled one way or the other, and even then, I have kept all my evidence, even though we are in R.

Washington State is pro child so they do often do 50/50 custody splits per the parenting plan put in place. The state prefers children to spend the maximum time allowed with BOTH parents. Please don't make the mistake of thinking the WA state court system is pro mother. Please seek a lawyer and do a consult to find out exactly what your rights are. That does not mean you need to file now but it will help you to be informed about where you stand.

The purpose of meeting with an attorney is to have a consultation about what your options are re: D. All of the questions you asked are here fair game and you will probably think of more. Right now it is just a fact-finding mission, no action is necessary. Remember that knowledge is power.

Hmm. That's interesting. I had heard that Washington was not a 50/50 state, specifically because it is not generally thought best for the children. Although convenient for parents. To split their time between two homes seems unnecessarily disruptive and confusing to me. I was told that the most common arrangement is the every other weekend + one weeknight with whichever parent is the primary caregiver (not necessarily the mother).

I guess I will find out soon enough, but I have already told him what I want our parenting agreement to look like, and that I'll, of course, happily encourage any additional time beyond that. I just want it set up so that they have one primary home (mine). As a child of divorced parents, my mother was my constant, so I guess I'm predisposed toward this arrangement. He is a GOOD DAD and I hope he will continue to remain a constant in their lives.

Hey Kellys,

I can see you are an incredibly strong person. I too suffered a shocking blow just a little over three weeks ago. At first I did not know what to do but I kicked him out 2 days later and every day since I get a little more of myself back that I realize I had been losing over the years. It is an amazing feeling. I am sad over the loss and the feeling of wasted years but I know in the future I will be happier than I have ever been.

The lack of passion you referred to I have felt as well and at least now I know it wasn't me.

If you want click on the smiley face by my post to read my story and to see how far I have come in a very short time. Might give you some hope. I too have kids and worried about them but honestly they are doing really well now.

Best of luck my dear!

Kellys -- I have been following your posts and I noticed something. Maybe I am wrong (that happens frequently) but it's something you haven't said. A lot of the newly BS post how much they still love the WS. I don't think you have said that. Do you want R? I know it's very soon and the pain is so fresh and you probably don't know yet how you feel about the WS. So sorry you are going through this. No one deserves this kind of pain.

I love the part of him that is a good person. He is the kind of guy who would help anyone, stick up for anyone, a big teddy bear. He is a devoted and doting father - very family oriented. He used to be (for nine or ten years) extremely supportive, attentive, sweet, and thoughtful. My whole extended family loves him and has always joked about cloning him. I can't tell you the number of times I have been asked, "Does he have a brother?" (He does, they are both drips.)

I do not feel romantically in love with him. For the past three or four years he has also shown a gruff, coarse, selfish side that is unappealing to me. I think he has been depressed for the past few years. I'm not physically attracted to him, but I also would not be physically attracted to me if I were in his shoes. We are both just... so... tired. All the time. He's asleep in his recliner snoring by 8pm. I could take a nap anywhere, anytime. I fall asleep in the dentist chair and at the hair salon. I could sleep at a long stop light. It's not a sexy state of being, always being tired.

So to answer your question, yes I do love him. But I don't love or like or accept all of him. (I'm sure he would say the same about me.)

I'll bet he felt totally loved and accepted by the AP during their affair and since. The things he texted her and pics he sent her... if someone said or sent those things to me I would slap them. It must have felt intoxicating to be so accepted, pervy side and all. No wonder people have affairs.

For the first time, I'm realizing that this is my fault, after all. I should have just let him go two years ago when I wanted to the first time, instead of staying together for the kids.

We've been a lot happier this past year - things seemed good. But now I realize things were still pretty messed up. I was just so focused on our FAMILY that I ignored how I felt and how he obviously felt about our lack of connection.