SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I assume you mean before the DDay.

Funny thing is, my ex never talked about the women he had affairs with (well, one that we ran into). The one he did talk about and that led to my finding out was a woman he was chasing who wouldn't bite. I guess he just became to obsessed with her, the one he couldn't catch, to the point where I finally noticed something was up.

My STBXWW mentioned him all the time. We hung out on his his boat together several times. He was actually going to help us move if we had sold our house just before I found out! We were on his boat the day before I found out.

I suspected there was another POS (he is no part of a man) months before I found out. The guy I suspected was trying but she was already "taken".

Hindsight is 20/20. Don't beat yourself up for trusting your husband. Beat him instead!

WH talked openly about her at first. He had recently joined FB and was looking up people from his past. She was a GF from college. He mentioned she specialized in an area of learning disability that one of our kids has and he wanted to contact her. Me, being an idiot, said sure, go ahead. WH had never had any trouble maintaining appropriate boundaries with female friends or coworkers before.

WH typically tells me the bigger picture of his business dealings with friends and occasionally mentions when he talks to them. He did this with OW too, at first. Then he abruptly stopped. Turns out, he was spending several hours a day skyping and talking with her on the phone and they had fallen in "luurve". It was one of our teens that blew it open by asking me who was the woman Dad was skyping with all the time when I was at work. I didn't even know he had installed Skype (at her urging of course).

After all hell broke loose and I confronted him about it, all he did was talk about her again, how special she was, how we could all be best friends, how he had to go see her, how he now understood what a soulmate was. It was OW 24/7, no other channels available. Sickening. I was working at a new job and was trying to relaunch my career when this all went down. He even tried talking to the kids about her, but they shut him down immediately.

We went on a family trip about 3-4 weeks into this and he was crazy. Always talking about her and if not about her directly about things he'd talked about with her or something to do with her. He was constantly checking his email and would jump any time his phone would ring to see if she called. He actually even thanked me once for letting him talk about her because he thought it was helping him figure out what was going on.

I can't believe I put up with that as long as I did.

Hands up here too!

FWh started talking about OW all the time as we had a puppy ans she and her then partner bred them and "she said this about the puppy" and "she said that about the puppy" and he also said I would like her if I met her as we had similar tastes (yeah- like you you mongrel!!)

FWH used to talk to her on the phone while I was in the same room and THAT still makes me sick even now to think of it- they were co-workers and she started calling him up I guess because she wanted him to leave me so was pushing the boundaries. He spoke to her as he was so arrogant he figured I wouldn't find out!

Why do they talk about them?

In my situation it was because she was on his mind a lot in the early days of the A so he had to talk about her!

It was also because (as already said) he was getting a bit arrogant and indirectly flaunting his masterfulness in my face! whether this was deliberate or not he still doesn't know but I will tell you one thing- of all the female co-workers she was the only one I warned him off and he told me not to be such a mad bitch!!

I always trusted my gut but it has proved itself this time to be trustworthy!

Well I know who OW is. She is a subordinate of my WH. Always was. He was a GM and she and her BS work/ed for my WH. My WH got promoted, his then exec Asst. decided she would like another position and my WH promoted the OW. The texting and talking started very quickly after, but not before the promotion. The 2 of them being promoted and having to learn together is what exposed at least my husbands poor boundaries, she on the other hand, has had them, 2 kids with BS, not married, 22 yrs old, and has cheated on her BS before.

That being said I knew of her, I met her once or twice in the years before. He never really talked about her as in conversation, but mention her name if on work calls or the office crew was involved. Right when the EA began, maybe 4 weeks in, before it was PA. WH came home fuming that his former exec asst, wanted her job back, he felt he couldn't demote the new one (to some degree it would be wrong, but I doubt he wanted to even explore the option he had just started an EA). Well this former exec asst started a "rumor" that WH and OW were sleeping together. It's ironic, they weren't yet, but did very shortly after. He had the nerve to vent his concerns to me, and his fear for his job, yet recklessly and heartlessly continued the A and let it get physical. I feel like a fool I defended him back then and even her, because another co-worker was treating her badly. I should have thought something, but I also know the woman who said it and she is a bit vindictive.

It came up the other day, as its employee review time and WH is sure this lady will bring it up again. He kept saying his boss knew it was a "rumor" I had to bite my tongue, maybe it was rumor at the time it was said, but I mean a mere 2 weeks or so later it wouldn't have been a "rumor". Makes me sick.

Mine went the other way. I heard about her as the new girl at work and then all of a sudden, he didn't mention her again. That was right about the time she started bumming car rides off of him to get back and forth to work. He says now that he felt some guilt about it and was compartmentalizing so once he dropped her off, he forgot about her and came home to me.

I found out about her because I saw one of her texts to him asking him to be her KISA and give her a ride....

In a sick way, I think sometimes the WS will talk about the AP to the BS because they are so used to sharing stories about their days, and their friends. Then they fall in LUUUURVE and can't shut up about her/him----and because of the bond of marriage/friendship/romantic relationship, YOU are the one they want to share their excitement with.

Even if they don't consciously realize they're doing it.

Does that make sense? It sounded clear in my head, but I am not sure it translated in my words.

I also think some of them mention their AP as a way of not arousing suspicion, if that makes sense. The logic is people usually keep the APs secret, so if you're talking about the person it can't be an affair.

We had a coworker who said he mentioned his AP to his wife because if anything ever came out he could say, oh her, I told you about her. She's already someone the spouse is aware of and if something was going on, he wouldn't talk about her.

Oh, yea. Mine, too. I had no idea, at the time that it is one of the 'red flags'. I was so blind.

Just to clarify my H did all the talking about her before D-day. I mean he got texts and talked about her enough for me to wonder WTF over almost a year. It is what made me watch him enter the code on his phone one night without him being aware. A few nights later, I got into his phone and read the texts. Wa-La! there was my D-day!

If he talks about her now, I will seriously lose my mind and kick his ass back to rainbow unicorn fart land (not taking credit for that description of "fantasyland" that was SisterMilkshake). I love it so much!

yes, the ex did that too. In fact, once the OW got in a car accident and the ex called me, very upset. I remember saying "that is too bad" and wondering why he was so upset. DUH. Stupid, party of one

My WH did bring up her name occasionally and I really did know what was going on but it took until he really confessed to the PA that I realized how bad it was and how blind I had been. He would say things about "her" and smile and chuckle like it was the cutest thing he'd ever heard/see. But when it got physical, he quit mentioning her at all and we were barely talking then b/c he had asked for a sep. Didn't hear a word about her then!

No, my H never spoke about her in casual conversation prior to me knowing BUT he borrowed a book from her and read it in front of me and I remember asking him about it and he said it was from a friend. It just seemed weird even at that time why he was reading that book in particular and I don't know why I didn't press as to who this "friend" was. Once I found out about the A and that that book was hers, I was absolutely disgusted that he would be so brazen enough to flaunt something like that in front of me. I think at that point, he was knee deep in his fog and he's since really apologized for it. My takeaway? I ask him about everything new he has in his possession and even now, I look at books I thought he purchased last year in a more scrutinizing light..I'd hate to think anything of hers is sitting in my house!