SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

scaredyKat, Yes you are correct. She was a meth user around 2004-2005? She then got pregnant with my niece in 2006. After she had her, she started to take Vicodin and Oxycontin fro years she was off and on those. She became clean for a while and then started to use heroin. By the sound of the email,it was years the affair went on. I can't help but think that it was soon after WH and I got married (we met in Jan 2002 Married in jan 2003) I am sure the other emails holds the answers.

We hear you ((cryinginside)). I just don't know what to tell you. Take care of yourself!

I am so very sorry for what you are going through and I absolutely hate to ask you this, but just going from the vague timeline you have and what was said in the email string, is it at all possible that your H is the father of your neice? Again, I hate to ask but it keeps going through my mind. (((((cryinginside)))))

Couple of things. I am so very sorry for what has happened to you. This one of the worst scenarios i have read here, so remember, like the first time you found out, take care of yourself, 180 him until you feel safe enough for a full confrontation. Weigh your options now for your long term future, so reveal nothing more to him. Do not engage. Get those emails into a safe account, print them out and put them in hiding. Thats evidence of his second affair. Go to an attorney if you have the energy, get your ducks in a row. One false reconciliation is enough for anyone, so if you know he wasnt upfront before, those three wonderful years were not truthful. He has a problem, not you. If you choose to give him yet another chance you must know he will have to start all over with his counseling. Its important to know he might think the affair was seven years ago but for you it was only a few days ago when he again broke your trust. Grieve for your sister, then go through your grief for his cheating. You are strong and can do this and survive and be stronger than ever. But you must also protect yourself. He lied right to your face about his email to her. Do not waste time listening to lies. Once you feel safe enough to talk and feel the 180 has had its desired effect, be firm in everything you say. Confront, dont take bs, and if he is not upfront and remorseful completely, its time to make a stand. Theres so many layers of betrayal here i dont know if i were in your shoes i could stay, but thats a decision you will make later, after this horrific pain has subsided. God bless you, i will pray for you tonight.

Cryinginside,

You have had grief piled on grief. Losing your dear sister is enough, but then to find that your husband and she had kept a secret for years is so awful in the midst of grieving. I am so sorry.

Addiction is evil. It truly is a sickness and one that is very difficult to live with. (Its never cured). Know that NOTHING you could have done would have saved her. Please don't blame yourself with "if only I gads..." You were not responsible for the choices she made in her life including to not go to the doctor when she was sick. Someday, when you feel up to it, joining a Naranon group may help you to sort that part out. You will learn there that we only have control over our own lives, none else's. We are not responsible for other peoples choices, only our own.

When my brother and nephew were killed by a drunk driver, I went to hospice grief counseling. It was so helpful. Being able to talk about my feelings of loss and learning that my reactions were normal helped me a lot. You love and miss your sister. You need to be free to grieve your loss (and you have a niece to help through hers. I hope you can find a hospice close to you. They didn't charge for grief counseling. I don't know if they are all like that but it might help to be able to go and focus on your loss right now.

My heart goes out to you. Your plate is overwhelming and I do hope you can find someone trustworthy to walk this dark path with you.

I am so sorry honey

I have no words

Just HUGS

Laura

I'm so sorry. Reading your post gave me chills. I wish I could help but I have no words.

I am so sorry for the pain and anguish you are going through. There are no words that any of us can say that will help you. Just know that we are here, we will help in any small way we can. And remember most of all, we care.

I think even if it took cash I would get back into that IC, you NEED someone right now to help you work your way around this new disclosure.

Your WS just lied right to your face, not surprising as he has lied about this the whole time. Sadly I bet he was hoping it was never going to come out now that she had passed away. Did he know you were reading thru all of her old emails and texts for the last few months? Man, just trying to wrap my head around this one....it never seems to amaze me how dark and deep these things go.

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

((Cryinginside))

Mere words here can't convey how my heart hurts for you . . .such a double betrayal to endure.

Instead of lying to you WH should step up and be there for you, with support and honesty.

[This message edited by shiloe at 9:02 AM, February 15th (Saturday)]

I'm sorry for your loss and double betrayal :(

I would take the cash and go back to IC. Hugs.

Eventually you will read all of the emails. When you are ready. More Hugs.

Again, Thank you for all of your support. Its amazing how strangers, who are also going through heartbreak, can be the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

Chicky, No, there is no way possible WH is the father. There was a DNA test done when she was a year old. I have seen with my own eyes the results, and thank God I did. I actually told my friend, I am SO glad that there was a test done and I saw the results, because if there hadn't been or say I never actually saw the paperwork, after reading the email I would have, like you said, thought he was her father. And THAT would have sent me over the edge. I would probably be in jail.

I re-read my other posts, my goodness I was a mess. I know there is nobody that can tell me what to do, but the support and confirmation helps so much. I told my Aunt about the emails and she said maybe I needed to read that for closure. Closure?!? I didn't have any f***ing idea this even happened!!! Her statement was so odd to me, i actually thought....did she know? Maybe that is my paranoia talking but I just dont see how anyone can see this as closure.

I know I will be ok. I also know that I will never understand why this happened, because I can't talk to my sister. That is kind of where I am stuck. WH has tried to talk to, last night. I stopped him and said NO I am not ready, he said I dont know what you read I interrupted him and told him it doesn't matter I am refusing to have this conversation with you right now he just looked at me and said im sorry. I calmly told him, You will never in your life know the pain of losing my sister the pain of seeing her lifeless body in her apartment and being told to say my last goodbye, watching my little sister run unable to catch her breath because she could see the tube down our sister throat, or seeing my mom sobbing at her funeral or helping my oldest niece through an asthma attack when they brought her mom's ashes home...you wont know that pain ever and while still trying to process those things plus a million others, knowing that while you have seen me crying in the middle of the night and you trying to console me, you were probably feeling a sense of relief that I would now never find out what happened...so don't ever tell me you are sorry because you are not you are sorry I found out not for the pain you have caused. During that time he just starred at me with a look as if I was entirely right. I walked out of the room.

That's what he felt is relief. When she passed. I know he did. And that f***ing kills me. Because I would do anything to have her back with or without knowing about the affair.

I hate him. This is a horrible horrible thought but as i was telling him that, seeing his face all i could think of is I wish he would have died and not her. How terrible is that? Ugh

So, this is what I have been thinking about. Since I will never know her side, and there is always 3 sides to a story, his hers and the truth. I truly believe that. Basically he can tell me whatever he wants. So why should I even let him? Yes he could possibly tell me the truth but I know as do all of you cheaters lie. Period.

I called the women I was seeing for therapy and left a message. Hopefully she will call me back asap. I left the message yesterday afternoon. I have to talk to her, I dont even care how much it costs. She knows me and also knows of my whole family from me talking about them in the past.

Thank you all for listening to me. It is terrible having to keep this inside. I can't tell my mom, I think she would get mad at me. She probably wouldn't believe my sister would do that. I understand that.

I was thinking about having my friend log into her email and read the other ones. Just to let me know if there is anything in there that I should not read. I am afraid it's possible my sister talked bad about me. I dont want to know that. Does that sound like a good idea? Or should I just leave those other emails alone altogether?

Wish I had some brilliant advice.

Take care of yourself. I am glad that you have a good friend to lean on. I cannot imagine going through what you are going through.

(((cryinginside)))

Thanks for aswering my question. I know it was difficult to read even though you already knew the truth.

As to your friend reading the emails, well, that all depends on how much you trust her with the information. You should also consider how many people you want to know. May not seem important now, but I sometimes wish I hadn't told as many people as I did. In the beginning I was so livid I told anyone who would listen. Now that he has done the work and we are happily reconciled, I on occasion regret that I told. But for me the past can't be changes so I don't focus on that.

Focus on you and what YOU need to help you work through this and heal, if you can.

You need to find someone to read the rest of the emails.

And you need to save them.

Your WS is an ass.

k9

I don't want to put ideas into your head, I just want to make sure that you understand that IF you feel the need to hear a human voice on the other end of the phone like RIGHT NOW, even if it's 3:00 in the morning, you can call a suicide prevention line and just pour it out. It can be totally anonymous, tell them that you're just breaking up inside and you need to talk. I promise you, they'll listen, and they'll care. I've done it myself. It's a voice, it's a human, it's someone who cares enough to answer the phones for complete strangers at 3:00 in the morning. They're usually volunteers but they will listen.

I wish I could add anything at all that would help but I am at a loss for words. All I can say is that my heart goes out to you. I hope that you do get to speak with your counsellor soon, and that she is able to give you some guidance on where to from here.

((cryinginside)) Words cannot even describe how I feel for you right now. I am so sorry. I literally gasped as I read your post and my hand was over my mouth the whole time. I cannot imagine what you are going through.

My only advice to you right now is to take time to yourself. It was hard enough on you that your husband had an A. It was hard enough on you that your sister passed away. And now, the two of them together? You are so strong to be handling this the way you are. Please make sure you stay healthy and take care of yourself. Take all the time you need to cope with this revelation.

Why don't you save the emails in a safe place and work with your IC to see how and when to handle reading them if you decide you want to.

^^^^^ This actually sounds like really good advice. If you didn't the first time, I would also highly suggest that you make an appointment with a divorce lawyer as well, and find out, exactly, what you should be able to expect in spousal and child support should you decide that he's just not worth it. You don't have to go one step further than gathering knowledge, but knowledge is a good thing to have, when you're considering your options. (((hugs)))