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But he's already proved he doesn't care if I walk by still being in contact with her at all.

But he's already proved he doesn't care if I walk by still being in contact with her at all.

Have you walked? (I replied to you in your other thread about this.)

He will continue to eat cake if you allow it. Close that bakery.

Hugs...

So he's had a few OW (the ones that you know of, anyway) and for the last 2 years, he's refused to unlock the password to his phone account - is that correct?

Why did you allow such disrespect to both you and your marriage after giving him the gift of forgiveness for cheating with all kinds of other women?

This guy's a lost cause.

Before D-Day I was able to see the usage on the cell phones.

I complained all the time about the calls and texts from/with OW. He stuck to the "just friends" defense. He had naked pictures of her on his phone. I said anyone sending him naked pictures was NOT a friend. He said it was a joke, yadda, yadda, yadda. So why not delete them. OK, he deleted them.

After that the few times I saw his phone he had 0 text messages. He was deleting them when he got home. He would never leave the phone out of his sight. He would leave it in his pants pocket at night and push them under the bed.

When my DD found a letter from OW to him talking about their night together and all the "awsom", "great", sex they've shared, my first response was to block her number. That is when he changed the security code and refuses to tell me what it is.

I am sorry you are going through this. I am angry for you at that way you've been treated by him.

But it's been two years - he's not showing any respect or love towards you. You are killing yourself by staying with him while he's involved with another woman.

You said your dd found a letter about the awesome sex between them. What is that teaching her? Would you want that for her? Would you tell her to stay with someone who doesn't give a shit about her and is involved with someone else?

Have you done IC? If not, you should see someone right away. You need to see that you are worth more than what he's giving you - you need to get strong so you can say get the hell out!

DD found the letter. But she had just found it and hadn't had time to read it. I never asked how much she read. I still do not know. She reads slow and like I said she just found it. She walked in the room and says "What is this?" I took it and knew right away what it was.

Something more I need to deal with.

I can't think of any good reason for him to continue to keep the password from you, other than him having something to hide.

"You looking caused problems," sounds like, oh I don't know, every single D-Day in the history of ever where the WS attempts to blame shift and gets upset at the BS for "invading their privacy" and "snooping." IMO, someone that had accepted responsibility would be far beyond this idiotic mentality.

If he is not continuing to actively cheat- my guess is he has done something else inappropriate, lied to you about timeline stuff, or something. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I would take that phone next time he sets it down and take it somewhere to jail break it. There is no way in hell I would put up with this. Or go the easy route and kick him out. You know without doubt he's Fing around. I am sorry you are married to a dickless monster.

To echo everything that has already been said, the way you are living is not right....at least it would not be okay with me. Secrets are damaging and hurtful. There is a solid reason that he needs them. He refuses to be transparent. He refuses to be honest. He refuses to honor your need for honesty. Perhaps you might consider therapy for yourself. It would be helpful to find out why you accept these completely unhealthy behaviors from the person you entrusted your emotions with. Instead of focusing on his password and whatever other lies he's carrying, turn the focus onto you and your emotional health. When you get stronger, there will be better choices for you and your life. You can begin to ACT on your own behalf instead of REacting to his selfishness, his inability to be honest, his shitty choices.

So sorry. I'm no expert but this kinda tells you where you are in the scheme of things. When I asked for his passwords I knew exactly where the marriage ranked in his priority list. Not cool and not say to hear.

Regardless of whether he's in contact with anyone or not, he is acting like a controlling, cowardly jerk. It's a possibility that he's lied about the timeline and/or amount of contact, but after a certain amount of time, I think that *historical* information drops off of the online account and you wouldn't be able to see it anyway since it's been 2 years.

I dealt with this type of crap for a while. Although......my stbx would *allow* me access to the online account, then he'd get in a snit over something and lock me out again -- using the same "you having access is causing problems and you're obssessed" shit that you're hearing. Emotional midget.

Our cell carrier didn't post texting details online -- just total # of texts -- but those details were available to the account holder, upon request (which meant he had to fill out a form and send it back with his notarized signature). I told him that is what he needed to do and it shouldn't be a problem since he "had told me everything" (). That form laid on the counter for weeks until one day he absconded with it. Can't remember if I asked him about it or if he told me that he sent it off to the carrier. A couple days later a letter from the carrier came in the mail. Inside was a copy of the form along with a denial because they couldn't read the notary stamp (because stbx had faxed it). Stbx had taken the form to *work*, filled it out, faxed it, and (supposedly) thrown the original in the trash. Why did he throw the original in the trash, you ask? Because the JAMF had added MY number onto the request (without mentioning it to me).

Well, needless to say, I was pissed and I was tired of playing his reindeer games......AND there was NO WAY in hell that guy was going to have total access to MY cell records while he was acting like such an ass. So I had my cell number removed from *his* account and switched over to my own account. Doing that DID require *his* permission, which he gave (so that he could then accuse ME of being the sneaky one with something to hide).

So you can ignore this -- even though it doesn't seem to be *sitting right* with you.

OR you can call the carrier and get your phone moved out of the account (you call the carrier and then they call and get his permission);

OR you can go open a new account or get a burner phone and completely stop using the one that's tied to the account -- he can cancel it if he wants to.

If you don't play hardball on this, you're going to continue to twist in the wind and die a little more every day.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:29 AM, March 15th (Saturday)]

Sweetie, I think by focusing on the phone, you are trying to avoid on the real issue--his attitude. That is the huge elephant in the room. And no strategy regarding phone use will fix it. In fact I think fixing it is not really possibles so work to build up the strength to be without him and quietly get an exit plan. You are being disrespected to the point where it is emotional abuse.

Sending peace and strength.

I would take that phone next time he sets it down and take it somewhere

He NEVER sets it down. In the last 5 years he has never left it laying around. It is like it is attached to him. It stays in his pants pocket. I've walked into the shop when he's had it plugged in charging. He immediately will go unplug it and shove it in his pocket.

I think by focusing on the phone, you are trying to avoid on the real issue--his attitude.

I just look at his refusal to give me the password along with his holding so tight to the phone as proof that he still has something to hide. I can't trust him. I can't believe he even cares.

So if you can't trust him... what is the answer to why you are still there? It's not easy to leave and stop hoping but the situation is only making you unhappy.