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yes Gemini - it's his weekend with our son. Which means I have to see him. That makes me nauseous. I know he's not going to let this go...

Also, in the divorce, my stbx insisted i stop home schooling which the judge sided with him on. So now my stbx is saying that we'll keep homeschooling so he can have him 50/50 & also do work with him.

So your son is in public/private school now in your area right? If this does go to court, which I doubt it will, make sure you point out that your son has adjusted very well to public school and has plenty of friends. It is not in his best interest to take him OUT of public/private school now and return to home schooling. Your husband asked for this, got it, and now wants to go back to the previous arrangement. I think a judge would see through this charade and your L should be able to word it to point out exactly what is happening if it comes to it. Either way keep records of all discussions, back up voicemails, and back up texts. I think you are fine.

By the way you should look into getting CS enforcement after his ass for late payments. See how much time he has to harass you from a jail cell because of back child support.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:24 PM, March 21st (Friday)]

it's his weekend with our son. Which means I have to see him

Is there anyone who can go with you for the hand off so you don't have to face him alone?

Is there a voice recording app on your phone? If so, turn it on before you get out of your car and carry your phone with you. If he says anything ANYTHING to you in person, you want a record of it.

(((((MR))))) Sending you strength, honey.

...a nervous wreck every time my phone beeps or rings. I'm constantly on edge with what I'll have to deal with next from him. It's amazing how 1 human can literally ruin your entire life.

I'm so with you on this. My XH is quite adept at phone harrassment too. My anxiety was so bad that I was often unable to answer my phone at work. I actually had to talk to my supervisor and requisition a phone with a caller ID display, so I could see who was calling.

I still panic when I see his name in my email box or when the phone shows his number. I think it's a PTSD thing. Sadly.

I'm sorry your STBX is such a collosal jackass.

MR-

Let's try to break this down, and look at the facts:

You gave up the house to him, per his request

You agreed to put you DS in school next year, per his request

His visitations are per his request

Judge granted all of that

NOW the facts are:

You, and DS, live 1 hr away from him

He is behind on CS payments

He will be losing his house

He was fired/has no job so that means still no CS and he has no place to have DS

He wants to request 50/50 b/c ????

A judge WILL NOT grant one week on/off with a school aged child

A judge WILL force him to get up to speed on CS

A judge WILL NOT give MORE custody to a parent who will have no where to live

A judge WILL NOT change the status quo just b/c a douche bag demands it - doesn't work that way

So, sweetie, you should (need to) turn off your phone on him. Text only.

As hard as it is, TRY not to panic until you actually see court papers (which I doubt will happen)

Let your L know what is going on now, so he/she has a heads up

Try NOT to engage with him when he comes to pick up DS. DS is 9, can he just go out to the car by himself?

Bullies will bully as long as they know they can.

Cut him off at his knees (personally I'd aim higher )

You've got this MR, and we will back you up all the way!

Sending strength.

BTW, you can set your cell phone so that all calls from his number go directly to voicemail without ringing

If you can't have someone there at the exchange, be on the phone with someone (even if it's fake), involved in a serious conversation. Act distracted by the call and like you are in a hurry.

This really makes me angry, your WH knows exactly what is most important to you so he tries to manipulate you with it.

It's really hard to imagine that he would get 50-50 under these circumstances - he will eventually get a job, right?- and he would have to come up with reasons why it is in the best interest of the child to change custody at this point.

I know you are scared, my kids mean everything to me too. I would not be surprised though if he is just using this is a tactic and if you don't fall for it he will move on to something else. FWIW my ex was the same in that he knew how to push my buttons. But he didn't follow through.

How are you doing this morning?

About his insane request, Stop. BREATHE. You will be fine.

I looked through some of your old messages, and remember he threatened to quit his job and go on disability before, IN WRITING! You should still have those texts. Give them to your Lawyer. He has threatened this before.

STOP answering the phone. Let him spew all of this in writing again.

He got what he wanted. You have been preparing your kids for school, now he is going to have to live with it! NO judge is going to agree to home schooling against your wishes, especially if it has to be split with a man who one minute ago was adamantly against it. Schooling needs to be collaborative and consistent, you two could never communicate well enough to manage that, and you have plenty of proof of that as well (seriously, he said get out with HIS 3 children so he can start his new life in your home? Are your other kids in school? I see there are three, why are you only been talking about the 9 year old? What about the 17 and 12 year old?

also, having a disabled plate only says he needs parking close by, which is a VERY long way from being able to file successfuly for disability, and again, you have that threat in writing. Don't panic.

How did the exchange go? have you spoken with your Lawyer yet?

ETA He is behind on CS and the ink is literally not dry on your decree? THIS guy is a piece of work! In order to change the custody agreement HE requested, he would have to be a model citizen, and that does NOT include missing CS or SS payments, bullying your ex into helping save the home you are losing due to irresponsibility, or threatening as a result to take your kids away to live, um, where? and um, with who? The woman who stole her own kids, so the cops appeared at your home looking for her? seriously, he stands to lose huge here. He clearly needs more time to find work! What a turd!

[This message edited by badd at 9:20 AM, March 22nd (Saturday)]

I have to wonder how he plans to pay his legal bills if he decides to take you back to court...

Good morning all and thank you for all the suggestions & support. Believe it or not a lot of what you are saying is making me feel better - looking at this logically and not emotionally (which is freaking HARD to do when it's your kids on the line). This morning i woke up with horrific anxiety and am trying to stay busy. So,to answer a few questions...

- I only talk about the 9 yr old because he is my ex's only bio child with me. He is my 2nd marriage. My first marriage ended much nicer (no cheating) and we are still buddies.

- yes, i do have somebody to go on custody exchanges with me. My 1st XH actually does 1/2 of the Friday exchange since he lives near my 2nd XH. I also have my 17 yr old who comes with me all the time.

- I have not gone after him for child support yet because he's currently unemployed & having the c/s build up is better than him going for a modification. He still owes me all the money & will have to pay eventually.

- i'm not sure if i have a recorder on my phone. i'll look.

- to woundedby2. i know exactly what you are saying. i was just telling my mom that i feel i have PTSD. I have horrendous anxiety whenever my phone goes off or i open my email. on Thursday I began getting really sick because I know I have to deal with him on Friday. Sunday is worse because I cannot relax until i get my son back from him.

Thank you all for the continuing support. Lord knows I need and appreciate it. I'm going to see Divergent soon - hopefully that will keep by brain occupied for a bit =)

((((MichelleRenee)))) Glad you are feeling somewhat better. Sending you tons of strength, honey.

If you can arrange it-silence is a wonderful ringtone for the entitled bunch. It is the best thing I did for myself-I never knew when he called, and I could plan my anxiety attacks for a time when I could handle them.

Take all communication back to email. If he calls you, follow it up with an email verifying what he said. If he announces that he's taking you to court to Chang custody to 50/50 because now he is unemployed and has time to homeschool.

XH,

In our discussion to tonight, you notified me of the following.

Your currently unemployed and as a result have more time to be able to homeschool DS 50 percent of the time. That would require a change in our custody arrangement as well as DS's school situation. You indicated that you will be taking me back to court to make these changes.

When I did this with XH, he'd blow his stack and would respond with threats via email! I handed all of them to my lawyer-she had an eye opening experience. She passed them on to XH's attorney-when I was accused of parental alienation! His attorney started treating me like I was the sane one - instead of XH being the sane one.

I felt validated. And that helped me to regain my composure.

You've got this-there are too many things stacked against him to get awarded a change in custody.

Hugs,

K

Everyone has already said this, but don't worry unless and until you are served the papers.

And I'm with the others. This isn't going to happen. It cost MONEY to file for custody/more custody. And he has NO money and NO job.

Where is your son going to live 50% of the time? In the car with his dead-beat-bum-of-a-dad?

I can hear him now:

"Yeah, your honor, I know I'm several months behind in child support and I know I don't see my kid as often as I'm allowed now and I know I'm about to lose my house and I know I don't have any money, and no I don't have a job... but I'm pissed off at my ex-wife because I think she should give me money and she won't, so my kid needs to suffer because I said so."

A couple of people have said a judge won't grant week on & off with a school aged child.

That's not true.

That's what I have.

Not what I wanted... But it's a thing with court... You NEVER know what a judge will order.

Heck, I spent 40k proving my x is abusive (super abusive, kids and I in the hospital abusive)... And my ex STILL has 50% custody.

So... Are your fears valid?

Yep.

You're not crazy.

BUT you don't have to live in them.

USE them.

"This is my fear of what will happen".

Okay.

Talk with your attorney about your fears.

See if there is a way to combat them.

(Those threatening texts & emails MAY help, other judges don't care if he's blackmailing you. Dad wants half custody? Dad's got it).

Do as much as you can.

And then assume the worst will happen.

And REVEL in all of the "extra" time you have until then... Instead of despairing over what may be.

A lot easier said than done.

But trust me... If ex worst happens... It's even harder looking at all the time you wasted by being upset BEFORE it happens.

Chesh

No way he files and if so, no way he gets 50. Was this a finalized divorce?

I know that it's unlikely for a judge to change custody so drastically on a whim like this- BUT it's not realistic to say it never happens. IT DOES.

Get the wrong judge on the wrong day and you could lose your kids. It's happened to me.

Don't be so sure that things will go your way- just prepare, prepare, prepare- and GET A LAWYER YESTERDAY.

Don't be stupid like I was and assume you know what a judge will do. Judges are unpredictable and shit happens.

I'm not saying it will- in fact it's very unlikely. But that doesn't mean you ignore his threats, it means you take them very seriously and act in the best interests of you and your kid(s).

And DO NOT assume ANYTHING.

ok...now i'm terrified. i hate to hear that some of you lost so much time with your kids. our judge seemed like (and did) give into every request my ex made. he even offered him Wednesday night dinners which my ex refused due to overtime at work.

and no, our divorce isn't even final yet. my ex hasn't signed the papers - claims he never got them.

i have a lawyer. i am keeping a log of everything that happens. unfortunately my ex doesn't threaten via text or email so it'll be his word against mine and he's a very manipulative narcissistic sociopath. He's the kind of person that everybody likes and he always gets his way but his true being is simply scandalous.

so! today was HORRIFIC. my ex was an hour & 1/2 LATE to child swap. PLUS he brought his homewrecker whom he allowed to SMOKE in the car with my kids!!! Then he, without prior warning, decided tonight was the night we'd meet! I was caught so off guard! We have never met nor spoke - nothing! She walks over to my car all smug and smiling. I told her that i didn't know what would happen in the future (as far as us getting along) but that tonight was NOT the time. - our son was SO angry & upset that his dad did that to me. he jumped in my car and refused to look at or say goodbye to my ex. I simply told me ex that he obviously had no idea at how his behavior is affecting all of us.

And the worst! My poor baby broke into tears AGAIN and told me that his dad ignored him again this entire weekend too! He leaves our son downstairs playing video games alone while he's upstairs doing God knows what. I am heartbroken for me baby. I don't know what to do.

Michelle -- big hugs, it is so awful when your babies are hurting!

Please, dear, just because he is calling does NOT mean you must answer the phone. It does not mean you have to talk to him.

Just because he wants tonite / right now to be when you meet and talk, it does not mean you have to do it. It does not.

If he catches you in person, you can say, You'll have to contact my lawyer about that. (If your little one is there, you can say "please". Otherwise, FTG).

Think of it this way: you have an advantage over him. He only wants to talk because (1) he knows he can manipulate you and make you feel bad and (2) he knows it's safer for him. If you don't let him talk to you, he's stuck -- he has to put it in writing (email is best) or TALK to your lawyer. If he won't email or talk to your lawyer, he won't get what he wants (= getting off on being cruel to you and your DS) because he can't talk to you.

Practice -- with a friend, or in front of a mirror -- saying very calmly: You'll have to contact my lawyer about that.

Do what the other SIers have suggested to help you not talk to him on the phone: change his ringtone to silence. Send his calls automatically to voicemail. Have someone else listen to them and decide which ones your lawyer should hear(do you have a good friend who can do this?).

And don't wait around 90 minutes for this freakin jagoff to pick up his kid. 15 - 20 minutes tops, then send him an email: So sorry you could not make it to get DS. We waited til (time).

And then LEAVE. Are you doing the pickups somewhere that there are witnesses who can see when you arrive and leave? How about the local police station

A couple of people have said a judge won't grant week on & off with a school aged child.

That's not true.

That's what I have.

^^^I have 50/50 custody and this arrangment as well but stbxww and I both live in the same city and school zone. MichelleRenee and her EX live 1 hour apart. I am no L but I don't believe a court is going to order week on week off when the parents live in different cities/school zones. She has primary custody and the kids are in school in her area so I think she is good. Yes, her ex could ask for addtional time in the summer but she should crass that bridge if it even gets to that point.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:01 PM, March 24th (Monday)]