SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you. I am seeing the clear pattern here compared to how I have tried to approach saving the marriage. Thinking I could control the situation or guide my WW back to how things were is delusional on my part.

I am still tormented but am realizing this may just have to be a feeling I have in my heart as my mind does the right thing.

Unfortunately the tormented emotions are, for a time, here to stay. You have been wounded by the person you trusted and loved above all others. Worse, she has blamed you; good person that you are, you think (if only in small moments and in part) that you maybe did contribute to the situation. And the thing you wish for--to have her devotion again--is something you have to act against to protect yourself.

It sucks. But vent those feelings out here, validate them here (because they are so normal and human and prove what a loving man you are--they are nothing to be ashamed of). And don't let them hold you back from taking the needed actions to save yourself from this mess.

Sending peace and strength. We miss our delusions when we have to let them go, even though they only hurt us.

(((Justinpaintiday)))

Love Must Be Tough--James Dobson

Codependency No More--Melody Beattie

Codependency Healing the Human Condition--Charles Whitfield

All good books that will help you work and support YOU.

Too much similarity in this post and what I experienced....I feel the raw pain you are in as I read it.

Caution: though you have not mentioned it, be cautious if the Christian advice you may receive. I received some poor advice from our pastor upon finding out about my wife's EA....to love her like never before.

This was not entirely his fault and WOULD be solid advice IF I had the facts right when I talked to him.

I THOUGHT my wife had ended her A....because she told me she did. We were also in weekly MC, had passwords to her accounts and her sister was her accountability partner.

What ACTUALLY happened was my wife felt "threatened", took her A underground, and quickly chose full on adultery as she took her EA and morphed it into a torrid PA....teenage like unprotected sex.

Hello righteous anger.

My pastor DID change his advice upon this occurrence.

Just cautioning you that ALL IS NOT AS IT WOULD SEEM right now.

"Adultery us crazy making shit."--first MC

1. Detach detach detach. Your wife is a polluted stream. While you have flaws too, your stream is running much clearer.

2. Keep children out of it as much as possible. Figure out an escape path for them now. A family you can take them too when your anger shows up , go to your car in the driveway and talk with wife after kids are a sleep, etc...

3. Don't offer suggestions. This shit bed you find yourself in? Your wife made the mess....she's a bug girl....she can figure out if she wants to make it better or wallow in it.

4. Her comments like "you are the weak one" and "I have no needs"? This is manipulation. Most likely brought about by fear and insecurity within HER. She is trying to "balance" a load that can not be balanced until she stops and repents from her sin. Only she can do that. Right now, she can't even admit she is sinning.

"I hurt you, but I would never hurt our girls". That was what my wife said many times early into this trial. Another lie. Infidelity, adultery, and most sin negatively affect all it touches....not just the one choosing it.

I pray for you, mrs justinpaintoday, and your children. It is true God hates divorce. It is also true that adultery is recognized as biblical grouds for divorce. I struggled with this for the first year .....trying to discern what I was called to do.

You will process and grow through this.

22 months past my DD and we are doing much better.

Post often. Sit with your pain as long as you can.

That "must feel to heal" statement? So much truth there.

Keep the faith.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:00 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]

Just wanted to point something out...

I asked why she stays and she said fear of change and being on her own.

You are her logistical support while she cheats on you. She is using YOU to be comfortable and nothing more. She needs a provider while she goes out and has her fun. You are that guy.

As far as deciding to divorce it looks like she has made her decision.

Why don't you let her experience the cost of her decisions?

I think it's important to answer that question.

All are correct. Today I have stopped the spinning cycle of abuse. Love for my wife is not enough. M and R are about mutual work. If WW refuses to move from her comfortable defensive place then I have no choice but to make the moves necessary to protect myself.

The great thing about that is that you can work on yourself as a person and as a parent, and you don't have to consider her feelings or her approach.

Take your time. Don't be in a hurry to do anything other than ensure the basics (like she doesn't clean out the banking accounts).