SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It does suck.

Sometimes I think that I can accept that I will never know the whole truth and that whether they had a PA or not should not matter as long as I know that it is all in the past. And I feel that it is. However, I believe in my heart that there were at lest 3 or 4 occasions when they met in person (she lives in different state). But he will always deny it because he believes that it would be too hurtful for me to know the whole truth. He readily admitted the EA as soon as I discovered it and was very forthcoming about it.

But unfortunately, it has been too long for me to be able to research those occasions when I believe he met her since they would have been at least 1, maybe 2, years ago. And I foolishly immediately confronted him on both DD's without being smart enough to forward the texts, etc. to my email so I would be able to keep the evidence.

Things have been pretty good between us for several months now. When I get upset, I just bury it or hide it from him. I don't want to constantly be dredging up the past. We both want to go on with our life together. And I am afraid if I bring it up and, again, ask for the full truth that: a) he will just continue to deny - and I admit I believe there is a 5% chance he is actually telling the truth; and b) that it will just damage our present relationship.

On the other hand, this keeps resurfacing in my mind and I am not letting the resentment go which is not healthy for me.

I am just at a loss what to do.

Are you guys in marriage counseling? It might be a good question to bring up as a "I feel" type statement. I would worry that it'd haunt me and be a huge obstacle to really fully healing if you don't know what actually happened on those occasions.

In some ways, the PA of my husband made the EA side a bit easier to bear... I can't even explain it. But in some ways, recognizing that so much of the EA for him was a means to an end, and the PA became the "all of it" once it started.. I guess in some ways that helps. though it hurts much worse in other ways. The whole thing is messed up :(

None of us can ever know what is really in the mind of another. So we will ever know the *full* truth.

There is a point though when we know enough.

If a WS actually does care about us they will answer our questions truthfully but also with compassion for our feelings.

Truth can be told and be a force for healing. But truth can also be told in such a way that it bludgeons and does more harm than good.

Truth isnt the problem. How it is told can be.

No, we are not in counseling. We have discussed it, but at first he really didn't want to go because he knew what the counselor would tell him (that he had to end it). I didn't force the issue, although in hindsight....

He did finally end it last fall a month or so after my second DD. He feels that he is doing well now and does not want counseling, although if I want to go he would understand. I have thought about it, but having to start at the beginning and bring a counselor up to speed on the our history and the amount of healing we have done so far just to get me past this point is really hard for me to face.

I think the PA would be almost inconsequential after the devastation of the EA. But the thing I am having trouble with is that I don't feel he has told me the full truth. Can I live with that? I do for a while, and then it overwhelms me again.

He is so concerned and remorseful for all of the pain that he has caused me, I know that bringing this up again will just cause him more pain. And I don't want that either. It is a conundrum, do I and try to reduce my resentment or don't I and save ourselves more pain?

For me, I told my WH that I was willing to forgive him for the A and work for R - but I was only forgiving what I knew. Anything in the back pocket was not covered by the blanket of forgiveness. It took him about two days after that to confess all the BIG stuff... "I kissed the cashier at the grocery store. I visited a prostitute. I got a rub n tug. Etc. Etc." I thought I would die from the pain, I thought my brain would snap and I would lose all sanity - but I didn't.

Since then there have been "truths", but they are more just things that he suddenly remembered, not things he was purposely withholding. If there is anything he is still withholding, I can't imagine what it would be or what point there would be in not telling me. How do I know I have the whole truth? I don't. But the more truthful he is with me, the more trust I have in him. When he tells me someone flirted with him, it builds trust. When he tells me he is annoyed with me for something, it builds trust. When I see him telling the truth to other people, even when it is embarrassing, it builds trust. And I know, and he knows, any new truth has the potential to be a deal breaker. I can only forgive what I know. I have been crystal clear that I can forgive virtually any truth, but I will not forgive any more lies.

Because he had an OC, OW can never ever be truly "gone". Legally, she can be forced into my life as long as I am with my H - and even if we D, it will always affect our COM. I have a strong need to be fully informed by HIM of all relevant details. I do not want OW dropping any bombs on me. We never talk about any of the other infidelities, but that AP is one I have trouble with emotionally.

I still get truths that bring me to my knees, but in the grand scheme of things they are small... "I bought her a cell phone. I made a sandwich for her mother. I called her "kitten". They shift the narrative of things sometimes but they are rarely plot twists.

There is a lot of wisdom here.

I was given an excuse that I shouldn't know the truth for 3 years to protect me from legal repercussions (yeah, I was an idiot for believing that). After 3 years I found out that was a lie and WW was never going to tell me the full truth, I had had enough.

I used rage to my advantage. I totally cut her off, didn't say a word to her in our house for weeks, and didn't care. Nothing else she could do could hurt me.

She got the message and told me what I wanted to know. Was it the truth? Maybe, I will never know. But it was a complete story. The lesson: be prepared to leave if you don't get the information you want.

I haven't read all the posts to your question so I hope that I am not repeating anyone.

Being 4 years out from D-day I can honestly say that and or believe no one will ever know the whole truth of any given situation as we were not there.

Agree with Ann124 ^^^^^

Do all the little details matter? Not so much really with a LTA (as my H's). But if questions pop into my head as they do, and we're nearly 2 1/2 years out from d-day I expect him to answer them. Otherwise I sit and brood. I've asked thousands of questions over the years, some repeatedly to try and get things straight in my heads.

No WS likes answering questions, but you know what? That's just tough shit, they owe you honest answers, no matter how uncomfortable or upset it makes them feel.

Nobody's mentioned (unless I missed it, sorry if I have) contacting the other BS if there is one. It's possible they know more than you do, and could help you uncover the truth.

Cheaters rarely - if EVER - tell the full truth.

They lie, they deny, they minimize, and they water down everything.

It's not designed to save YOU pain. It's designed to keep THEIR hides out of divorce court. What do you think most cheaters would rather deal with - your anger at their inappropriate 'friendship' with someone of the opposite sex, or a full blown physical affair? Of course they're going to pick the lesser of 2 evils. That's Cheating #101.

You'll never get the real truth out of him voluntarily. He'll take it to the grave because it serves HIM, not you.

But since he wants for you to believe him so badly, why not schedule a polygraph test so he can finally prove to you that he's an Honest Abe and isn't lying about having sex with her? He shouldn't have any problem taking a poly - in fact, he'd probably jump at the chance to prove his innocence to you.

Right?

You'd be amazed at how many people get what they call a 'parking lot confession' from their cheating spouse on the day of the poly. That's when they know they're about to be exposed.

Google 'polygraph test' and your city. There's usually a polygraph service within 100 miles of most towns. They run between $300-800.00, I believe.

Well worth the price tag.