SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He hasn't worn his ring since October. At the time he told me it didn't mean anything anymore. Well, that wasn't exactly true, but I get his point. Because I was engaged in lying and cheating throughout the months we were engaged, leading up to our wedding, and after the meaning of unity, commitment, monogamy aren't there for his band. He’s absolutely right. I did not honor any of the meaning of the rings.

Wayflost - I am a BH. I can relate some to your BH. I do not wear my wedding ring as well. My WW cheated on me while we dated, engaged and after we were married. We are working on R, we are 1 1/2 years from dday and doing pretty well, I still do not wear my ring though.

For me, the fact that the cheating was occurring essentially before, after and while we were getting married makes the wearing of my wedding ring difficult. I would agree with your husband that it has turned the meaning of my wedding ring to not mean much of anything. Your right that that is not true totally but for me to just put it on my finger and look at it is difficult to understand what my WW was thinking when we got married. My wedding ring is a trigger that causes me to wonder what really was going on when we got married. That makes it difficult to wear.

I tried to see your profile to understand how long it has been from DDay for you. If you are only a few months into this process it may be way too soon for your BH to deal with the wedding ring issue. For me, I hope to wear some sort of ring in the future. I don't think I would want to wear my original wedding ring again ever. It is going to take time no matter what your BH wants to do in the long run.

Throwing your wedding ring in the trash is not going to speed up this process for him likely. My WW wears hers and if she didn't it, it would be a problem for me. My WW is working to gain back my trust again and her taking it off would be moving in the wrong direction. I get it - it is a double standard. I don't wear mine but expect her to wear hers - I don't see a problem with this double standard given the circumstances.

It is a process and I think you are going to have to be patient with it. The breaking of the wedding vows while you are getting married makes the rings especially difficult and likely causes more time to deal with it from a BS perspective.

BH here. I also can relate to the way your husband feels about his ring. Mine came off on DDAY and I put it on a few times after and it didn't feel right. I ended up throwing it away and will never wear another one so long as I'm married to my wife. I know it hurts her but it hurts me to even thinks about wearing it so I won't and don't.

To me and to most the giver is giving it as a sign of fidelity and once fidelity is broken there is no going back. Not saying you cannot reconcile and have a good life but you can't unring a bell.

Your husband may have been acting a bit tough and macho about marriage and relationships in the beginning but it obviously did mean something to him since he married you.

My rings went to the pawn shop after XH started fucking my former BFF.

He, for whatever reason, still has his. I was shocked to find this out. He carries it around in his backpack. I had assumed he had thrown it out; he never wore it again after D-day.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 5:23 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]

Seven years of long and hard reconciliation and I still do not wear my wedding band. I know it hurt my wife when I took it off so long ago, however she has never said a word about it since. There have been many times when I was ready to wear a new band but what I really wanted was for my wife to express an interest to do something very special with a new band. I want a very special feeling to be associated with a new band. We are in such a much better place due to the healing of time and lots of very hard effort. But as far as her desire to see me wear a wedding ring again.......crickets.

Saddens me to think about this.

I am with lionheart on this on. I will never wear my original wedding band and I told her that. I would welcome a new one, although not right now. I also want this to be her idea not mine. I don't think she has any idea at all. Before you tell me that I need to let her know, I did when I took it off. It's in her court now.

BS here -

I still wear my band. Not because it has the meaning it once did, but because I'm married, and this is how I tell the world I'm not available. I understand what your H is feeling. I'm not certain if you do or not, but I hope some of the responses here have helped you understand his thought process a bit better. That is, after all, why you're asking, right?

I thought a bit about your post before responding. This next part I say gently, and not as an attack or a criticism of anything you wrote, but as a BS that has a different viewpoint. I hope what I write helps you understand your BH's feelings a bit more. Again - no attacks or judgments here. If you don't find this post helpful, please just ignore it.

You made a comment about thinking your H is still 'settling'. I can assure you, that's not the case. It's not often I speak for more than myself, but I understand how hard it is for a BS to try to reconcile. If the WS was just someone we 'settled' for, we'd never do it. It's too hard, too painful, too overwhelming. If he's willing to R, it's because he loves you and he wants his life to include you, not because he's settling.

Also, much of your post discussed pre-A issues, your own internal conflicts, etc. Gently, right now you need to forget about those things. If R is successful, there will come a point where these things can and should be addressed, so please don't think I'm saying 'too bad, you screwed up so you don't get to ever have any issues or concerns.' I'm not saying that at all. Right now, however, it's very important that you focus on your BH's pain and how to make him feel safe. I may be very wrong here, but it seems like you may be falling back on these pre-A issues as a self defense mechanism. As the pain that the A caused, and the damage as well, comes into view, it's easy to pull back and focus on your pain, not pain that your A caused. We all do this when we feel too much shame about any action we may feel shame about. This isn't just something a WS does. Doing so allows a person to feel less guilt and shame because it's a method of justification, even if we try hard to say that's now what we're doing. I may be wrong here, but maybe give this some thought. If that is happening, it can cause real problems for R.

You did let us know that after your H read his letter detailing what the rings meant pre and post DDay, you threw your own band into the garbage. I think that was what another poster was referring to when theatrics were mentioned. I don't know if it was theatrics, but I do think this type of action should be curbed. As a BS, when my WS used to lash out or act out when I shared my pain and my viewpoints, I always saw it as him not being interested in hearing or understanding my pain. It would hurt, and it also really hindered our R. I needed to know that he cared about my hurt, and that he 'understood'. When he would get angry that I was upset, all I saw was that his interest was in not having to be 'bothered' by my heartache.

Now, years out, he freely admits that it was him not wanting to face the damage that had been done to our relationship. He wanted his 'old' marriage back, where his wife saw him as honest, trustworthy, and never thought about leaving. He didn't want the new relationship, where his wife was untrusting, insecure, all over the map emotionally, and no longer considered her marriage 'special'. Any time it was shown how deep the damage was, and how much pain was there, he would throw up a wall and act as if he was just tired and hurt himself and all the rest. He did stop that, many months after DDay. That's when things improved, because that's when I started to feel like my pain did matter, and that he did regret his actions. Until then, it just seemed like the entire thing was just a huge pain in the ass for him, which made me feel like he just didn't really care all that much about how horrible I felt.

This is my situation, but when I read about you throwing your ring in the trash, it reminded me of this type of behavior from my own fWS. I could be very off base on this as well, but again, it may be something to think about.

WL, I sincerely hope I've not upset or offended you. Again, I'm not judging you - except possibly in a positive way for making the effort to R, posting here, being open, etc. It's not easy, but here you are. I've said all of this only hoping that you may find some of it helpful and maybe see a little more of what your BH may be feeling. I'm not him, so I can't speak for him, but I've seen other BSs state similar feelings that I've written about here when things happen in their own R that are similar, so there is a possibility that some of this rings true with your BH.

WL, whatever you gain or don't gain from my post, I really do wish you and your H success in R. It's not easy, but it can be worth the effort.

Cheers!

ReunitePangea

I agree that the ring I gave him is too much of a trigger. I was watching it happen when he looked at the ring he gave me. I stopped wearing that ring, and never threw that one in the trash. Although I will admit in the first few days after revelation I tried to give it back to him. Not my best moment, although in light of everything else it isn't my worst either.

We are 5 months and a couple weeks out from Dday.

Uhtread

You are right. Marriage was (and still is) very very important to my BH. His parents were divorced when he was a tiny child. When we had an honest conversation about it once he told me he only wanted to get married once. Now he's reconsidering that stance.

heartbroken0903

From what you wrote it sounds as though you feel quite a bit of pain still. I'm very sorry about your WS and xBFF. I hope you got a good price for your ring.

My BH's ring wouldn't net much, unfortunately. I bought him something heavy, thick, and sturdy. It was simple, elegant, and him. It was how I saw him, clean lines, classic handsome appearance.

lionheart

Did/does your WW know how you feel about it? The language my BH used was so... certain. I'll likely be waiting for hime to tell me when he's ready, if ever for a new one. It's one of the difficulties I keep running up against as the WS. I'm supposed to lead, but not push. I'm supposed to follow from in front. It's confusing, and complicated, and I'm terrible at it.

fst86411

At least you put the ball in her court. I'm told my BH has given me the ball for many things, only mine appear to be invisible. The definite language used was never, not a new one some day.

PainfulPast

Thank you. I can't write more of a response right now. I've been trying for days to respond. But your post really touches me. Today is a bad day for me, and I really needed to express my gratitude. So thank you for your considered and careful response. I appreciate it more than you can ever know.

Wayoflost,

To clarify, I was the WS. XH said he wanted to D but still try to R, which I was on board with, but then changed his mind after he hooked up with xBFF while our D was pending. I don't begrudge his having sex with someone else---that'd make me a hypocrite---I just had/have a major problem with WHO. Sorry for the confusion; I didn't intend to misrepresent as a BS.

end T/J

My wife had her two affairs in 1980 and 1981 .

I haven't worn a ring since.

I NEVER will !

She wears hers . I could NOT care less .

I crushed mine in a vise until it was mangled and unrcognizable. As was my heart. The ring for me was a symbol of my heart, so it seemed very fitting. I kept the ring, and ID have it melted down and formed a new if we were to reconcile.......but honestly I don't know if I can reconcile with her.

Wayflost: My WW does not know how I feel about it, because like most other things regarding her affairs, she just doesn't really think about it or care to ask. If she were to just show how much she cares by asking then I would have a very honest and frank discussion with her. I really wish she would lead and take a far greater action-based role in reconciliation but she never has. I have had to show a great deal of resolve and patience which is painful in of itself.

Why doesn't she care enough to ask?

Just wanted to chime in again on this thread. Earlier, I had mentioned that I still wore mine because I believed that my wife and I are still married and as long as there is a chance, it will stay on my finger.

I was reminded by BW of why that was disordered thinking and that seeing me wear wedding jewelry was a trigger for her. She had asked me a number of times to not wear the wedding band, but I ignored her feelings and chose to wear it anyway. My rationale was that I've lost my marriage already and I am hurting. Why would you take this away from me? I know that it is selfishness talking, but I can't help but to feel that way.

My BW has not worn a wedding band (except occasionally) since 2008 and I don't blame her. I have always been proud to be her husband and wanted everyone to know that I was taken, but the addict in me chose to turn that into a manipulative tactic to prey on women. Thinking about everything I just wrote and I just want to kick myself in the ass. Why don't I ever see how destructive and selfish I am when I am in the middle of being a jerk?